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Original poster

Kissed my married colleague

117 replies

neverdrinkingagain · 01/04/2015 19:56

So I will probably get a lot of stick for this. Impromptu night out with work a few weekends ago. Ended up just myself and married colleague. I'm single. Known this guy for years and never fancied him but always thought he was a nice looking bloke. Got very drunk. He kept saying to go back to mine. We eventually did. I'm not naive I really do/did look at him as a friend who is happily married and totally off limits. We carried on drinking at mine, again it never crossed my mind anything other than drinking would happen. I have lots of male friends and truly believe in platonic friendships. Next thing I know, and all I can remember is us kissing!! I was incredibly drunk, which ive been before with other male friends and certainly nothing ever like this happened!! I can remember, I think, him saying about going upstairs? Which I never did! I remember the kissing was very passionate. I know I wouldn't have instigated it! I wouldn't do this with a married man! I feel really bad as it goes against everything I believe! I haven't heard from him since but am kinda wondering how to play it when I see him next at work. I am racked with guilt as certainly wouldn't wish it to happen again and want to think his wife will never find out and that it was just s stupid mistake on both our parts? Should I say something or just let it go? He is a nice bloke, he really is, we were both drunk!

OP posts:
RebelRobin · 02/04/2015 08:26

TBH, you are lucky the title of this post doesn't say 'Raped by my married colleague'. He sounds like a creep - nice married colleagues don't persuade women to 'go back to theirs, kiss them and try and get them upstairs'. Lucky escape this time...

Original poster
neverdrinkingagain · 02/04/2015 08:32

As Ive said, I don't think that was his sole aim. We went back to mine and chatted for ages on separate settees he never tried it on. It was only .... I think .... When he went to leave that we kissed. And he wasn't pushing me to go upstairs I just remember him suggesting it.and I said no. He accepted that there was no trying to talk me round. But it's all hazy which is why it's upsetting me if I had more clarity I probably could deal with it better.

OP posts:
patienceisvirtuous · 02/04/2015 08:54

You're over-analyzing now. Just forget it ever happened and move on...

Original poster
neverdrinkingagain · 02/04/2015 08:56

Yes I am over analysing patience. I can't help it. I feel terrible. I will probably feel better when ive seen him and we are back on the road to however normal we can be. X

OP posts:
Jokerstotheright · 02/04/2015 08:57

You have to leave it but I can't help thinking you are excited by it all ('passionate kissing', over-analysing) and have feelings for him.

patienceisvirtuous · 02/04/2015 08:59

I have done similar before. In time you can just pretend it never happened. Don't be too hard on yourself, you're not proud of your actions and won't do it again so lesson learned...

Original poster
neverdrinkingagain · 02/04/2015 09:03

Jokers I do have feelings for him but as a friend. He's someone who I always felt comfortable with, hence no problem drinking with him and him coming back to mine. If I was to put money on him never doing this i would have! I'm annoyed with myself for being that drunk I never stopped him.i know he suggested more and I stopped that but still pissed off by what happened. I feel sad that we've crossed the line now and he's now not the easy going relaxed friend he was.

OP posts:
winkywinkola · 02/04/2015 09:06

Both men and women are opportunists.

Op, are you sure you don't have feelings for this man?

He is a creep for this behaviour. He suggested going to your bedroom but you said no so he left it? He wanted to be unfaithful to his wife.

I would be very professional from now on. I would avoid going out drinking with him. I reckon you will find yourself in an unwelcome situation pretty soon if you simply carry on as before .

Duckdeamon · 02/04/2015 09:07

He is not your friend though OP. sounds like the "friendship" was already inappropriate. For example, did you often have lunch etc alone. had you met his wife? Did he talk about their relationship (if so he shouldn't have)?

And now he has made a pass at you, when he's married. Avoid and spend time with proper friends.

Original poster
neverdrinkingagain · 02/04/2015 09:11

No we never had lunch alone, we work in a very high pressured emotional job and we are all (male and female) close. We socialise as a group, often wives/husbands/partners don't come along purely because they're not interested as it's often work related chats. He talks about his wife and kids a lot, up until now ive never thought any more of it.

OP posts:
Losingmyreligion · 02/04/2015 09:11

I'm confused by the time frame here. You say this happened "a few weekends ago". Why wait until now to post about it, and surely you've seen him at work in the intervening weeks?

Original poster
neverdrinkingagain · 02/04/2015 09:12

It happened a few weekends ago, ive been on annual leave hence I haven't been in work, plus we work shifts so often go a week or so without seeing certain people.

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Original poster
neverdrinkingagain · 02/04/2015 09:13

I'm posting now as its bothering me ive tried to put it to the back of my mind but it's difficult.

OP posts:
Daydreambeliever00 · 02/04/2015 09:25

i wouldn't buy too much into the nice guy act he puts on

I have a married friend at work who acts like the model husband, talks about wife (his wife has come to work meals out and socials) and kids totally nice guy you'd never expect him to be a sleaze or a cheat!

But he is given the opera unity he'll take it and has been for the last 10 years of their marriage

Original poster
neverdrinkingagain · 02/04/2015 09:30

Well I obviously can't control how he acts now it's how I handle it which is what I'm seeking advice on.

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Daydreambeliever00 · 02/04/2015 09:34

You can either talk to him about it and say it was a mistake which you regret and nothing like that will ever happen again or not talk about it at all

You might find its a bit awkward for a few days or so but just carry on being as normal as possible and it will blow over. If it was genuin drunken mistake on his part then he'll be relieved you don't want to make any more out of the situation ... If there was some intent behind his actions you'll soon find out!

Original poster
neverdrinkingagain · 02/04/2015 09:40

I think I'll probably wimp out and say nothing. I'm sure it'll all blow over and I'll feel different soon. And as you say I'll surely know his intentions on our next night out whenever that'll be, but I can guarantee it won't happen again and if he did make another move I think I'll be inclined to agree he is a creep.

OP posts:
Daydreambeliever00 · 02/04/2015 09:46

If it was a mistake he'll be probably be super embarrassed. So not want to make a big deal about it

Just say nothing and carry on as normal then. Apart from this night out sounds like he's never over stepped the boundaries before and like you said you don't go off for lunches alone together or anything so it's not like he can get te wrong idea.

Try not to stress about it too much

Harleydavidfun · 02/04/2015 10:30

How should you conduct yourself around him? Pretend that nothing happened and distance yourself, you can no longer be 'pals' with this guy. There is a risk of an affair or emotional affair, as boundaries have been crossed and it sounds like you are really fond of him and found the kiss passionate. Also you share a 'naughty secret' now, very much a springboard for further frolics. You seem very invested in what he thinks about you I.e. How "easy" you are. He just sounds like a sleezeball, no decent married man goes home for an intimate nightcap with a single colleague, he is yuck!!

Are you all medics in a hospital by any chance? Whatever your job, focus on being professional and take a hard look at yourself wrt boundaries and friendships with married men. The best thing you can do now is to learn from this expereince, not beat yourself up and rise above it. Oh, and having a fwb shows that you do have a casual approach to sex. I don't judge you for it but you seem keen not to be seen as an "easy target", I think you need to take a clear look at your life and change your behaviour and communication so it matches with your idea of yourself. If you don't you will end up in situations where you send the wrong signal and are surprised and disappointed at the outcome.

Original poster
neverdrinkingagain · 02/04/2015 11:51

I regret it totally. Even if he was single it's the lack of clarity about what happened! Who came onto who and who instigated what?

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WildBillfemale · 02/04/2015 12:08

For heavens sake it's irrelevant, It was a kiss, you nearly did but didn't bump uglies, stop making a huge drama out of it.

He's not contacted you because you aren't a friend, there's nothing to discuss. Your comment about you 'wimping out' and not mentioning it is revealing - why on earth would you want to discuss it unless you want to know his feelings for you.

'Lack of clarity' ?!! really it doesn't matter - you got pissed and told him about your casual FWB sex life, he's married and got drunk with a single female colleague sex was being talked about - you both went back to yours for some deep and meaningful conversation but alas you poor innocent you didn't realise he was plotting all along to have his wicked way with you.

You are staring to look daft - either you fancy screwing him which is why you are going on and on about it or you did do more than you are revealing.

Aridane · 02/04/2015 12:52

does it really matter who came into who and who instigated what? you were both (more than) willing participants - what's done is done - move on! (unless you want to resume from where you left off)

Original poster
neverdrinkingagain · 02/04/2015 12:59

I suppose it doesn't matter. I keep going on about it as I've never done this before I've crossed a boundary which I can't get back.

OP posts:
Daydreambeliever00 · 02/04/2015 13:04

It was a drunken kiss alright yes he's married so it's inappropriate but it's not like you went any further so no massive boundaries crossed. We've all had more than drunken kiss that wasn't such a good idea the next day and then laugh it off and forget about it.

Are you sure you don't have some small level of feeling for this guy to be thinking so much about it?

Original poster
neverdrinkingagain · 02/04/2015 13:09

I feel for him as my mate which is why my head feels so fucked up. And the fact he is married doesn't fill me with pride at the fact I kissed him. And I know it doesn't matter who instigated it but deep down I'd feel even worse if I had!

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