Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Kissed my married colleague

117 replies

neverdrinkingagain · 01/04/2015 19:56

So I will probably get a lot of stick for this. Impromptu night out with work a few weekends ago. Ended up just myself and married colleague. I'm single. Known this guy for years and never fancied him but always thought he was a nice looking bloke. Got very drunk. He kept saying to go back to mine. We eventually did. I'm not naive I really do/did look at him as a friend who is happily married and totally off limits. We carried on drinking at mine, again it never crossed my mind anything other than drinking would happen. I have lots of male friends and truly believe in platonic friendships. Next thing I know, and all I can remember is us kissing!! I was incredibly drunk, which ive been before with other male friends and certainly nothing ever like this happened!! I can remember, I think, him saying about going upstairs? Which I never did! I remember the kissing was very passionate. I know I wouldn't have instigated it! I wouldn't do this with a married man! I feel really bad as it goes against everything I believe! I haven't heard from him since but am kinda wondering how to play it when I see him next at work. I am racked with guilt as certainly wouldn't wish it to happen again and want to think his wife will never find out and that it was just s stupid mistake on both our parts? Should I say something or just let it go? He is a nice bloke, he really is, we were both drunk!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 01/04/2015 21:40

you were equally as stupid as he was

it doesn't make you an "easy target" though Hmm

Original poster
neverdrinkingagain · 01/04/2015 21:40

I mean easy target as in WAS I stupid to confess things and allow him to come home with me? Even tho ive known him/thought I knew him, for years? Does he see the fact that I'm single (and I'd told him about my FWB) as that I'm 'up for it' which im certainly not!!!!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 01/04/2015 21:41

some men would think that, but it doesn't make it true

MrsWolowitz · 01/04/2015 21:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PacificDogwood · 01/04/2015 21:44

He may have perceived you as an 'easy target' but don't describe yourself as such. You get to decide who you do or don't have sex with - 'easy' does not come in to it.

Original poster
neverdrinkingagain · 01/04/2015 21:50

Thanks all. I will see him at work and try and treat him as I normally do. I do feel gutted tho that a) it happened at all b) I allowed it to happen at all c) he thinks I'm someone I'm not and d) my thinking he was a nice guy has been shattered.

OP posts:
Original poster
neverdrinkingagain · 01/04/2015 21:56

Writing it all down helps ...... Tho does make me realise I probably have been stupidly naive! I wouldn't have invited a random stranger back. I thought I knew this guy! Just wish I could remember a bit more about it all. Confused

OP posts:
WeeMadArthur · 01/04/2015 22:07

Hi OP I do think you have been a bit naive, and in the future it isn't a good idea to invite married men back to your house (even in numbers, one of them has to be the last to leave). It does sound like he was angling for this, so no he isn't a good guy. It's probably horrible to think he was being nice and platonic to your face for so long, but given an opportunity he was in like a flash - so is it a real friendship or was he being nice because he fancied you.

As other posters said, I wouldn't mention what happened, make sure you keep a subtle distance, so yes go out with your group of friends but sit next to someone else, and make sure that it isn't just you two together at the end of the night. Because you might be horrified ya what happened, but now he thinks you fancy him and he could have something on the side, just like your other FWB

WildBillfemale · 01/04/2015 23:43

Drunk Married men don't go back to single female colleagues homes after a night out unless they think a fuck is on offer, wise up. Also understand that men gossip about this sort of thing and if ANYONE even had the slightest inkling you sloped off together they'll be ribbing him. I've never bought the 'I was so drunk I didn't know how it happened' line people do what they deep down want to do. If you are under 18 chalk it up to experience, if you are older maybe stop drinking, wise up and stop being so dumb.

blueshoes · 02/04/2015 00:22

I agree with other posters that he probably planned and instigated the situation which allowed him to take advantage of you. You naively did not put up the gates but at least he only got away with snogs and no more.

Clearly he is a sleazeball. I suspect he is now wondering whether you will make trouble for him and his marriage. Since your friendship with him goes back 15 years, when you next see him, I think it is fine to just say that you never intended for what took place that night, it was just the alcohol talking and perhaps it is better to treat it as if nothing had happened and move on.

I bet he will be so relieved he will be eating out of your hand.

That way, you can just resume where you left off and don't be alone with him in that sort of situation again. Other than that, it would be a shame to have to avoid him at work or least that indiscretion affect an otherwise good working relationship.

VenusRising · 02/04/2015 00:38

Do you think you were drugged OP?

Sudden drunk ness and memory loss could be an indicator of something like rohypnol or GBh put into your drink.

Have a blood test ASAP if you're unsure.

These things happen surprisingly often, unfortunately.

I'd avoid him for a while and let it blow over, but if you're really not a habitually memory-losing-drunk, I'd think about whether he slipped something into your drink, and have a blood test.

Often it's the 'nice guys' who have date rape on their minds, and anyfucker is absolutely correct- sexual assault is carried out by people we know, not shadowy figures waiting in the dark alleys.

Original poster
neverdrinkingagain · 02/04/2015 02:31

A lovely ex of mine(!!) once used rohypnol and drugged me (talking over 20yrs ago) and it was horrible. I cannot remember a thing. The other night I became gradually more intoxicated as I stupidly became more drunk. So I don't suspect that. I was just stupid to mix drinks and get myself into a situation where I can't remember aspects of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
neverdrinkingagain · 02/04/2015 02:35

I'm struggling to see him as a sleazeball to be honest as ive known him so long....... I think we were both stupid enough to get into that situation and he, like me, acted on a stupid impulse. I really don't believe it's something he does regularly, if he's not at work he's with his family.

OP posts:
WildBillfemale · 02/04/2015 06:35

Enough of trying to assess his character, motives etc, he kissed you because he could. It's your own behaviour you need to assess. Discussing your FWB gave off the signal that you are casual about sex. Taking the same married man back to yours to 'carry on drinking' seriously do you think he was interested in conversation only? You keep on mentioning men who are drinking partners with and this man has been a 'friend' for 15 years. I think you need to reassess your definition of friend. Conduct a little experiment, next time you go out drink OJ.Watch every one else around you getting drunker and watch how the men act toward you. There is something not quite right in your posts, You seem to be enjoying the excitement of doing 'something naughty' I don' think you are as horrified as you make out. Forget the man, it was a kiss, it's done, forget it, forget him, don't even try to talk to him about it. The problem is your drinking.

Duckdeamon · 02/04/2015 06:56

He is well out of order and is not actually your friend, at work or beyond. Not is he a good husband to do this, yuck!

You need to adjust your boundaries and drinking: "Everyone knows we are pals", drinking to excess with work colleagues and alone with him, sharing info about your FWB, him coming back to yours after a night drinking.

YonicScrewdriver · 02/04/2015 07:16

Yy pacific.

OP, you are worried that he thinks you are "easy" ( how I hate that phrase) but his behaviour is way worse than yours - you both kissed someone "out of the blue when drunk" but he was (a) married and (b) apparently planning for the possibility.

Start judging him a little more, hmmm?

Aridane · 02/04/2015 07:25

You were both drunk and willing - but a big mistake. Just move on - no need to say anything about it unless he raises it or goes for a repeat.

But learn some boundaries - yes, he may be a friend but he is also a work colleague. If you want to drink to excess with work colleagues, that's one thing - but going graphic on your sex life??

Rinkydinkypink · 02/04/2015 07:34

Haven't read whole thread but firstly.

He's not a nice person! He's a married man who pursued a drunk colleague. He would have happily had sex with you. This is not a nice man. This is a man who doesn't respect women, especially not his wife. He will happily sleep about and as long as you've had enough to drink and are in his vicinity 'you'll do'. I can guarantee you are neither the first or last he has and will do this with.

Deny, ignore and forget. Don't be on your own with him again. Don't get sucked in by him. Don't flirt with him!

Sickoffrozen · 02/04/2015 07:38

I have found in my life that many men are opportunists when it comes to situations like this, married or not. I once worked at an office where the men were all in the 30's and coupled up/married and a lot of the women were early to mid 20's and this sort of thing was happening almost weekly. Booze plus attraction is a dangerous combination!

thehumanjam · 02/04/2015 07:46

I think this thread is getting out of hand. Why is there talk about the op being drugged? They were both drunk the op said that it was very passionate and she could have gone further but she saw sense and stopped it. A stupid mistake on both their parts and now there is a character assassination on the man and people jumping to conclusions that he is a rapist who drugs women Hmm. Inferring "rape" in this situation does a huge disservice to woman who are raped by men who they thought were friends.

Lots of us have been drunk and had drunken snogs that we regret the next day. It's awful when it's a work colleague because you have to face them with a clear head. But inferring that the guy is a rapist or sexual predator is really offensive. I've met both types of men. There is a huge difference between waking up with regret and a hazy memory and waking up with bruises and threatening flashbacks.

Aridane · 02/04/2015 07:50

Totally agree, thehumanjam - I was totally Hmm when I saw the rohypnol suggestion?

WildBillfemale · 02/04/2015 08:14

I agree too that was a ridiculous post, the one about being drugged.

katy1039 · 02/04/2015 08:16

Whoa this thread is out of hand. OP you were drunk and made a mistake. Try and forget about it and try not to beat yourself up. You invited your mate back to yours - nothing I haven't done before and wouldn't do again. It isnt your fault he thought his luck was in, no matter what you were discussing.

dominogocatgo · 02/04/2015 08:18

And let's not forget that married women have been known to get drunk and snog other men too.

Original poster
neverdrinkingagain · 02/04/2015 08:22

I really do regret it, I'm not getting any glory out of all this, and I standby what I said about this man being a genuinely nice bloke ...... Ok of course he is being judged for what he did, as am I. I haven't heard from him since and I am feeling anxious as to how to 'play it's when I see him at work. I really do believe it was a case of too much alcohol and us both just letting barriers down and boundaries were crossed. Which of course they shouldn't have. I guess the proof of his character will come if we are ever on a night out again, which we no doubt will, I for one know I wouldn't get that drunk again, and I wouldn't feel comfortable with him alone on a night out, but I'm really hoping he feels as guilty as me and it won't happen again. Well, it won't from my part! If he tried it again I wouldn't be in that position again! He's not some date rapist or drug user as suggested he's really not. As mentioned it was just a stupid drunken kiss which if I'd let my guard down more could have been worse and im sure BOTH of us would be feeling 100 times worse.

I guess I'm posting to make sense of it all as it's never happened before. And I was wanting advice as to how to act when I see him.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread