How much housework / chores does your DH do?

[BigBottomedBertha]

I know this has been done a million times but I'd still like some input.

Basically, I'm sick of DH not pulling his weight- in my opinion.

We have been married 30 years and are 60- but look and behave younger and the DCs only left home after uni 4 years ago. Since then my work has taken off- always worked p/t 15 hrs a week as a teacher- but now (I am freelance in a career change) it's more like 25 hours and sometimes I am working in the evenings.

In the past, when DCs lived with us, I did 100% of the cooking and cleaning. DH would cut the grass, put the bins out and pick up some food shopping when asked and given a list. He'd never cook. He does work long hours- 8-7pm and travels quite a lot.

We have had numerous discussions over this and it's becoming a deal breaker for me.

I was always quite career-minded but having my DCs in my 30s, lack of family back up, DH away a lot, meant my career was put on hold so I fell into being this '1950s' type mum, doing all the household stuff plus my work.

I now feel very resentful that he has not changed, though I have made changes. I no longer do his washing or ironing and the 'deal' is he cooks at weekends. Sometimes he 'forgets' or needs ideas about what we might eat- his cooking skills are almost zero but of course that is no excuse- he can buy an almost-ready meal and bung it in the oven.

At the moment his only contribution to the house is putting the wheelie bins out, cutting the grass in summer, and - his one job we agreed on- hoovering the stairs as I can't lift heavy stuff due to an old injury. he also takes care of all bill paying (online banking as the bills are in his name being the higher earner.)

I do everything else - hoovering, dusting lounge, dining room and bedrooms, window cleaning, cleaning 2 large bathrooms and 3 loos (Dcs come and visit now and then) , washing kitchen and utility floors, changing bed(s), all online food shopping inc all cleaning stuff etc, gardening except heavy stuff, and 99% of cooking and planning meals.

We have spoken at times of splitting up (other issues as well as these) but AIBU to expect a man who works his hours to do more around the house? And to even see what needs doing without being asked?

(I don't want a cleaner because TBH with just 2 of us we can manage easily- and I don't want to waste the money.)

You say you don't want a cleaner because with: "just 2 of us we can manage easily". But it's not the two of you managing easily is it - it's you doing it on your own (apart from the areas you mention that he does). Frankly I would get a cleaner, even if they came in for a couple of hours on a Monday morning to do the bathrooms, floors, and kitchen, that would hardly cost you anything and be a weight off you. Personally I think he's too old to change.

sorry but I don't want a cleaner. Its a waste of £80 a month and I also don't like cleaners in the house when I am here working.
We can easily manage- I just resent doing it all.
And he's not an 'old^ 60 yr old- he runs 10K races and does cross fit!

If he is working 55 hours a week, (8-7 5 days a week) and you are working 25 hours, then in theory you have an additional 30 hours to put into the mix (in simplistic terms). I think it is about a partnership – I think you put in equal amounts, you get out equal amounts. It doesn’t matter (in my view) what the ‘work’ is, whether that’s employment / housework / childcare – 40 hours childcare is the same input as 40 hours in an office – but it needs to be split equally. I’d say on that basis, he’s probably justified in expecting you to be able to do the cleaning / washing / meal prep etc in those 30 hours.

But its obviously not making you happy spending your time like that – and that’s the conversation that you need to have – about how you can change it so that you get some fulfilment from how you spend your time. If that then means he has to pick up some additional “housework” tasks, then you need to discuss that properly.

I think there are two issues here: one is practical (the fact that you're doing everything), one is emotional (the fact that you've had to put your life, career, dreams and ambitions on hold to take on domestic work). The two are separate, but intertwined.

The first principle is: you've been doing all of this for years and years and it is YOUR TIME! Time for you to get to fulfil some of your dreams and ambitions. Life is far too short to put these on hold, and everything else should take a secondary priority.

So practically, you need to do whatever it takes to make that happen - and the solution will inevitably be a combination of things: your DH pulling more weight (more on this in a bit), but also you changing your expectations. It is absolutely crazy in your position not to buy in extra help. Why on earth are you washing windows? Are you really going to let your marriage of THIRTY YEARS go to the wall because you won't buy in a windowcleaner, a gardener, a cleaner, an ironing service, or all three?? It's not a waste of money - it's a simple trade of their time and energy for yours. And think about all the mechanical help you can buy in too: robohoovers, robofloorwashers, dishwashers, driers - all these things can save so many hours of work. Why is he paying bills online? You can set up direct debits and do it all automatically. It takes me about five minutes a week to monitor our finances, because everything just goes in and out of its own accord.

Also, don't waste your precious time doing things that don't really need doing (does bedding need ironing, for instance? I think not).

In terms of more radical solutions, have you considered downsizing as an option? The fact that your house has 3 loos suggests to me that it is on the larger size for a two person family - and a smaller, more manageable space might be exactly what is called for in terms of a sustainable futureproof solution. There is absolutely no point having a 'dream' home that eats all your time and money maintaining and heating it! It might also free up some cash to allow your DH to retire a bit earlier should he wish to - and then you can send him on a cookery course!!

Emotionally, it sounds as though your holistic needs (intellectual, creative, spiritual) aren't being recognised by your DH, and I can fully understand how utterly irritating and demoralising that feels. You clearly want more out of life, and the routine of constantly cleaning the same spaces is going to drive you mad as you come to see it as a barrier to you achieving things. You need to stop doing what you think you ought to do in your head, and start living the way you want to! I suggest that you go to him with a list of your 'wants', and an estimate of the free time that you need each week to achieve them, a budget for extra bought-in help, as well as a small list of things he can take on. If you throw spreadsheets at him, the chances are he may sit up and realise you're very serious about this.

I also think you have to be prepared to let things 'break' occasionally. If he doesn't remember to cook food, prepare some for yourself and let him go hungry. Be tough! You may find his memory improves dramatically when there is no alternative to him making an effort! However, I do think you may need to hold his hand a little at the start - maybe buy him one of those 'how to cook' books that works through the seasons, and get him to work through it each week, so the decision about what to cook is made for him at the start. What about doing a course, together, to learn how to cook? It could be loads of fun!

For me, the question here is what does he want? Does he agree that between the two of you, you can easily manage the housework or is he happy to fund a cleaner?

If he does, why would you argue?

25 hours is probably a minimum I work.
It's a bit like 'How long is a piece of string'- I have to find the work I do which means selling myself and the success ratio of what I do is something like 20:1 ( 1 contract for 20 proposals) across the business (creative) so the more time I spend, the better my chances of success. The 25 hours is for work in hand, not taking into account time spent generating new work.

I agree it is a partnership but at the same time he has always worked these hours even as a single man. Then, he was able to look after his home and sort his meals etc whereas now, all that is taken care of.

I think what it amounts to is that he LOVES his job and always has. He gets a huge amount of satisfaction out of it. I don't get satisfaction out of being the chief housekeeper and cook and it has to be fitted around my working day ( from home for 75% of the time.) I'd just like him to share the chores and be more proactive about it.

sorry shove and finally- I posted while you were posting those replies so I will read and consider!

You are making this into a power struggle: basically, for you, the only option is for him to get down on his hands and knees and start scrubbing. And he doesn't want to. Can't you see that you're setting up a situation of impasse, a pressure cooker of arguments and simmering resentments that is not healthy?

There are other ways out of this, at least while he's working hard hours. The most important thing is that you are both happy. Neither of you likes doing the housework, so rather than destroying your marriage, why don't you think laterally and look at other options?

Having a cleaner is only a morning a week, and you can arrange be out if need be while it happens. The rest of the work is out of the home, so should not disrupt your peace.

Also, I think the time that you spend searching for work ABSOLUTELY counts as hours worked! It's not like you're lazing around in that time!

We work out how much at home leisure time we both have and divide chores so this is equal.

Work time isn't the only fact affecting that, there's commuting and other things too (like my studying).

We too don't want a cleaner in for our own reasons but Mumsnet was like a dog with a bone with nobody accepting this! So you can expect the same thing on your thread I reckon.

Okay read them now.

A cleaner is non-negotiable. I don't want a cleaner because I don't like strangers in my home seeing all my personal things. End of. Sorry if that seems odd but I know I am not unique with this- had a cleaner in the past when I'd been seriously ill and did not enjoy the intrusion.

We have a window cleaner who does the outsides.

We have a dishwasher.

Bills are by DD but some are by standing order- credit cards- so they are dealt with as they arrive.

I don't want a gardener- it's small garden and I enjoy gardening. I only mentioned it to show more of my 'input'.

It's not a large house and if anything we want to upsize, not downsize once DH retires- somewhere more rural where we will get more for our money.

DH does not want to retire early- he has the option of retiring in 2 years- but will most likely go part time eventually.

We did do a spread sheet thing a few months ago which showed that my work over those weeks plus the time spent on the house etc was pretty much equal to his working week, minus about 5 hours.

I think what it comes down to is his sheer lack of appreciation of how I manage the house and manage to fit it in - multi-tasking- around my work. Conducting an interview by phone while stirring dinner is not unknown!

I have offered to arrange a cookery course for him, each weekend I point out the recipes in the weekend papers, and he shows not a jot of interest.

I resent the fact that I am always 'nurturing' him. I recently visited my parents and was pretty short with my mum when she said 'and what have you left DH for his meals when you are not there?' FFS.

BUt- and BIG but- when I come back after visiting them ( they are 90 and it's a 5hr drive for me) will he have got some food in/ out of the freezer for my dinner? Err...no.

No, of course it's not fair and equal, and I can see why you're furious and resentful, but this situation has become entrenched over decades, and only you have a vested interest in changing the status quo.

My husband works about the same hours as yours, while I am a writer who works at a university two days a week and at other times at home - he does all the ironing, all the cooking, grocery shopping, bath and bedtime for our toddler, bins, and washing up that can't go in the dishwasher. We share laundry, and dishwasher loading/unloading, and making breakfast childminder drop offs, and have a cleaner. I do more childcare.

Are you prepared to just stop doing housework, apart from your own meals?

The problem I find with some chores posts on Mn is that some women seem to feel very invested in the cleanliness of the house, either because they think they are judged for it, or because - for whatever reason - they are more unable to look at dusty skirting boards or unmade beds than their partners. This is not a hang-up I have. A messy house is not my problem more than it is my DH's, any more than our son is somehow more my responsibility than his.

Barring specific situations where there's a legitimate reason why one of us can't do something that is usually their specific responsibility, and the other steps in, whatever it is remains undone until the person gets around to it.

Your are wrong/being unreasonable.

Your DH works pretty long hours.
You don't want to do the housework - fine.
He suggests getting a cleaner - fine.

You don't want a strange in your house - not fine.

To be honest, you sound a big PITA.

I think we have different standards (DH and me) Lady. I do not have impossibly high standards- in fact my mum has been known to comment on how dirty my house is / was compared to hers. I will though notice if the kitchen floor looks muddy or grubby and maybe zoom the steam cleaner over it twice a week ( it's pale coloured tiles). DH might not do the same for 6 months.

Likewise, I am the one to wash the bath and shower 100% of the time. DH never touches it despite having 2 showers a day or a shower and a bath. He will never clean a loo even though he uses them too.

One problem which I cannot change is that I work from home so whichever room I am in, the dust or whatever screams out 'clean me' and sometimes I give in to it. DH leaves home at 8am, comes home when it is dark, and doesn't notice anything.

At weekends he spends time on himself- exercise, sport etc- and of course the house is all sorted because I have done it all during the week.

All he has to do is bung his washing in and iron his shirts.
A compromise for me would be we do 2 hours each on a weekend, doing the chores, and I'd do the rest over the week. And he can cook at weekends to give me a break from taking all the responsibility for food. AIBU?

Thanks here.
Do you do all the household stuff- just out of interest? If so how do you feel about doing it for 30 years and trying to juggle your career alongside it?

I think you're being difficult. I think moving the goal posts after 30 years is a bit much.

I'm surprised you're considering throwing the towel in over it.

I think there must be other things you are dissatisfied with.

Cleaning for two isn't that different for cleaning for one. Plus he is out most of the day.

Maybe you could try to change yourself and get a cleaner? This is only what your expecting of your dh and I mean all of this kindly.

Maybe you're looking for a way out?

About 50:50.

I like hoovering.
DH likes washing up + cleaning.
Cooking is split 50:50.
DH shops.

I'm down to 25h/week, no commute, so willing to do more.
DH works + commutes for 50h/week but is still OK doing stuff.

What is it that you do by the way?

Juggling a career with housework was a walk in the park compared to doing the housework with dc

I find it hard to accept you think I am a PITA here when you seem to have a better division than I do! You work fewer hours and yet your DH does 50-50.
Sorry but there are lots of people who don't want cleaners for the same reason as I do. Privacy, security, all kinds of reasons. They are not the answer for everyone.

I repeat:

Your husband works a lot of hours - OK
You want to progress your own work - OK
You are finding housework a bind after 30 years - OK
You ask DH for more help with HW - OK
DH suggests a cleaner - OK esp. if he earning more an hour than the cleaner and works v. long hours.
You then make excuses why you do not want a cleaner - not OK.
You are creating problems.

How much house work -excluding meals - does a big house with two adults, both of whom are not in the house for very long periods i..e just sleeping + eating at night. 4 hours? 8 hours? Get a cleaner or put up with a messier house.

I work a lot from home, too, Big, but I have an inflexible policy on doing absolutely no household chores during my working day. I have a small study, and work in there, so the state of the house is of no concern to me. Can you arrange yourself a work space like that? I can't imagine I would work concentratedly if it was among the ruins of breakfast at the kitchen table.

I don't think you're being difficult, but I don't think your aversion to a cleaner is entirely down to not wanting your privacy invaded either. It sounds to me as though longterm resentment at your sidelined career and unfair distribution of housework is making you desperately want your husband to take his fair share of chores, not just to see them done by someone other than you.

Which I do understand. Have you talked seriously about this, and the idea of two hours on weekends? Because if you have and he's refused point blank, I think you either need to stop picking up the slack, let the chores pile up and him see the consequences of him refusing to pull his weight - because he currently lives in a hotel where the chores are performed invisibly when he's away! That or get a cleaner.

Not wanting a stranger cleaner poking around your en suite, bedroom and working areas of the home is not being difficult- it's a genuine preference and plenty of people feel the same. Also I am not out all day- I work from home so I am here most of the day, every day.

We both work FT, we both do 50/50 term time and I take over in the holidays which I get off to try to give us both a break. If we had the money we would have a cleaner but we don't. I think Yabu if he is willing to pay for a cleaner and it is you who does not want one. Then there is the usual equal leisure time thing on Mumsnet where I reckon you still come out on top based on hours worked and leisure time.

Well, our cleaner has just left, having done three hours, and I'm working at home today. I'm not wild about having someone in the house, either, tbh, but she's efficient and pleasant on the rare occasions we speak. She lets herself in when I'm already in my study and only knocks if there's something unusual. It doesn't get in my way unduly.