How much housework / chores does your DH do?

[BigBottomedBertha]

I know this has been done a million times but I'd still like some input.

Basically, I'm sick of DH not pulling his weight- in my opinion.

We have been married 30 years and are 60- but look and behave younger and the DCs only left home after uni 4 years ago. Since then my work has taken off- always worked p/t 15 hrs a week as a teacher- but now (I am freelance in a career change) it's more like 25 hours and sometimes I am working in the evenings.

In the past, when DCs lived with us, I did 100% of the cooking and cleaning. DH would cut the grass, put the bins out and pick up some food shopping when asked and given a list. He'd never cook. He does work long hours- 8-7pm and travels quite a lot.

We have had numerous discussions over this and it's becoming a deal breaker for me.

I was always quite career-minded but having my DCs in my 30s, lack of family back up, DH away a lot, meant my career was put on hold so I fell into being this '1950s' type mum, doing all the household stuff plus my work.

I now feel very resentful that he has not changed, though I have made changes. I no longer do his washing or ironing and the 'deal' is he cooks at weekends. Sometimes he 'forgets' or needs ideas about what we might eat- his cooking skills are almost zero but of course that is no excuse- he can buy an almost-ready meal and bung it in the oven.

At the moment his only contribution to the house is putting the wheelie bins out, cutting the grass in summer, and - his one job we agreed on- hoovering the stairs as I can't lift heavy stuff due to an old injury. he also takes care of all bill paying (online banking as the bills are in his name being the higher earner.)

I do everything else - hoovering, dusting lounge, dining room and bedrooms, window cleaning, cleaning 2 large bathrooms and 3 loos (Dcs come and visit now and then) , washing kitchen and utility floors, changing bed(s), all online food shopping inc all cleaning stuff etc, gardening except heavy stuff, and 99% of cooking and planning meals.

We have spoken at times of splitting up (other issues as well as these) but AIBU to expect a man who works his hours to do more around the house? And to even see what needs doing without being asked?

(I don't want a cleaner because TBH with just 2 of us we can manage easily- and I don't want to waste the money.)

Hello Big

I think that you feel unappreciated

I think that you are fed up of the never ending housework

Does anyone near the end of their life say something like "I wish I had spent more time cleaning & doing house work"
No !
Most people say things like, they wish they had spent more time with family & friends, hobbies, travelling etc

Your husband probably doesnt want to do the housework after working long hours & not doing many chores for 30 years !

Suggestions

Food - get takeaway or eat out at least once a week or eat a very simple meal like soup once a week or get ready meal

Food - join a pop up eating/come dine with me group

Chores - do some fortnightly or monthly instead of weekly

Chores - have one day a week when you do none or minimal chores

Clothes - Buy ones that dont need ironing

Relax - Go on holiday, start a new hobby, so that you spend less time doing housework

However, I dont think that you will change your husband

I think that you need to look at what housework you can decrease yourself & what level of cleanliness you can live with

Good luck

I think the lack of appreciation is the key, and I'm in the same position. Logically it makes sense that I do more around the house than DH, not least because he's not even physically here for part of the week. He works more hours, he earns more. And he means well.

But what I want is appreciation. I want to not be taken for granted. I want adulation and constant affirmation that I'm a living saint, dammit. I'd settle for the odd acknowledgement that the kids remain fed, watered and happy. When challenged, I do get all that from DH - I just wish it didn't take a hissy fit.

So no advice, but sympathy.

He does nothing, the boy does nothing!

We both work, 40-60 hours a week, demanding jobs. We also split the housework 50:50. I have sole charge of some tasks, he others. The rest we split, but often do together whilst chatting.

I will say that neither of us has super high standards. I think that cuts down a lot of resentment. For example, if one of you is aghast at not ironing the duvet cover and the other one doesn't care as long as it's changed weekly, you've got a disconnect in expectations.

I think housework is one of those issues that masks deeper problems. OP, are you really concerned about housework or is this about you not feeling appreciated? I see in your original post you talk about being career minded - do you perhaps feel like hubby has the career you wanted, and your contribution (housework) is largely invisible ? That could fuel an awful lot of resentment, but it would only be helped by you expanding your work, not by your hubby becoming interested in cooking.

I don't really want a cleaner either, I'm very private and I hate the thought of someone in my house. But... With baby number one on the way, I think I might have to reassess. Life is busy enough without kids, and I think I will succumb to a cleaner!

This isn't about housework. This is about you not wanting to do things for your DH.

Look at it this way: rationally, you have the good end of this deal. You're a SAHM whose kids left home 4 years ago. You have never had more time to yourself than you do now, in your entire 30-year marriage! Your workload and responsibilities have at least halved, but your DH's workload and financial responsibilities remain exactly the same. So why would you start nagging your DH now to do more housework and cooking? Why wouldn't you nag him 20 years ago, when he was out of the house for long hours every day, leaving you alone with a house to run and two little kids to cope with?

Why not? Because in those days you were doing things for the family? You took pride in that, got good at it, and didn't mind it because it was for the 4 of you. Now it's just 2 of you, and you don't want to do it because only your DH will benefit from your efforts.

Did you stay together for the sake of the kids?

In your posts, you really dismiss his contributions, despite benefiting from them. You get to indulge in a creative career for "intellectual stimulation", despite only having a 5% success rate in picking for new business. You can move to a bigger house. DH pays all the bills because "he's the bigger wage-earner". He's not the only wage-earner though - where does your money go?

It feels to me like you resent doing anything for your DH because you somehow believe you have already given him more than enough. What have you given him, that you don't feel he deserved? Do you feel like he hasn't kept his end of the deal?

Did he cheat on you very early on? Or was there a big crossroads at some point, where you made a decision to put your needs behind those of the family?

• pitching for new business

I don't know why I assume you have 2 DC! Sorry if that's wrong. Sorry if any of its wrong. I just feel it's interesting that you are annoyed with this now, so soon after your kids moved out.

I really can't understand what cleaning you are doing that takes up so much of your time?

She's not a SAHM.

Did you miss the bit where she said she worked full-time and picked up all her partner's domestic responsibilities earlier on? Now, yes, she's changed her mind. She wants to focus on her own work. And not before bloody time too IMO.

I work based from home. I earn less - unfortunately - than my partner. (Because it's not a particularly well-paid field. I do actually earn a living, which is a lot more than many people in my line of country manage.) If someone started telling me I was leaching off my poor DP and ought to facilitate his life by doing his share of the chores and cooking I would have to restrain myself from getting quite physically violent.

You could ask DH to drop his hours down to 25 per week and split the cleaning 50/50

Ah, OK, p/t in the past. But still, it's that p/t working that has made her husband's lifestyle possible.

I fail to see why she is being unreasonable in expecting another person to do their share of the housework and cooking. I really don't.

Hello Big

If you lived on your own there would still be house work to do

And if her DH lived on his own there would be housework to do.

At the moment, she'd doing his housework. And cooking his meals. Apparently this is perfectly OK to a lot of you. Maybe I'm just of a different generation, or something; to women my age, it's perfectly normal to expect men to get their arses into gear. And ooohlook, that's pretty well the OP's generation too.

But still, it's that p/t working that has made her husband's lifestyle possible

And it's her DH's full-time working that's made her lifestyle possible.

Got to admit that my OH is fab with housework. I work until 7 were as he is home by 5 and I always come home to the house tidy and pots washed.

He probaly does more housework then what I do if I'm honest.

I'd be cross if I'd spent 30 years supporting DH's career (by taking responsibility for the rump of the housework and childcare) and he wasn't prepared for it to now be my turn to give myself/my career a bit of attention. Tell him he needs to do MORE than his fair share for a bit.