How much housework / chores does your DH do?

[BigBottomedBertha]

I know this has been done a million times but I'd still like some input.

Basically, I'm sick of DH not pulling his weight- in my opinion.

We have been married 30 years and are 60- but look and behave younger and the DCs only left home after uni 4 years ago. Since then my work has taken off- always worked p/t 15 hrs a week as a teacher- but now (I am freelance in a career change) it's more like 25 hours and sometimes I am working in the evenings.

In the past, when DCs lived with us, I did 100% of the cooking and cleaning. DH would cut the grass, put the bins out and pick up some food shopping when asked and given a list. He'd never cook. He does work long hours- 8-7pm and travels quite a lot.

We have had numerous discussions over this and it's becoming a deal breaker for me.

I was always quite career-minded but having my DCs in my 30s, lack of family back up, DH away a lot, meant my career was put on hold so I fell into being this '1950s' type mum, doing all the household stuff plus my work.

I now feel very resentful that he has not changed, though I have made changes. I no longer do his washing or ironing and the 'deal' is he cooks at weekends. Sometimes he 'forgets' or needs ideas about what we might eat- his cooking skills are almost zero but of course that is no excuse- he can buy an almost-ready meal and bung it in the oven.

At the moment his only contribution to the house is putting the wheelie bins out, cutting the grass in summer, and - his one job we agreed on- hoovering the stairs as I can't lift heavy stuff due to an old injury. he also takes care of all bill paying (online banking as the bills are in his name being the higher earner.)

I do everything else - hoovering, dusting lounge, dining room and bedrooms, window cleaning, cleaning 2 large bathrooms and 3 loos (Dcs come and visit now and then) , washing kitchen and utility floors, changing bed(s), all online food shopping inc all cleaning stuff etc, gardening except heavy stuff, and 99% of cooking and planning meals.

We have spoken at times of splitting up (other issues as well as these) but AIBU to expect a man who works his hours to do more around the house? And to even see what needs doing without being asked?

(I don't want a cleaner because TBH with just 2 of us we can manage easily- and I don't want to waste the money.)

Thank you Lady. I do have a tiny study which is where I am now. I also ought to be working instead of moaning on a forum :)
I have had a cleaner before - had no choice due to being very ill and almost dying- and hated it. I used to have to tidy the DCs stuff before she came and I just didn't like the whole experience.

I like your ideas. You see I am good at what I do. I can juggle work and home and manage all the housey stuff, and churn out lovely meals from scratch- but I never get shown any appreciation for it. Unlike you though I also spend time during the day on chores- so if I see dust piling up on the wooden floor in the hall, it's out with the vacuum. Having said that, my house it not immaculate.

Yes there is a lot less cleaning now there are just 2 of us which is why it would be a doddle for us both to muck in and then I'd not feel as if he was like a single man living in a well kept hotel.

I have not mentioned the 2 hours to him -yet. The deal was he would do the stairs and cook 2 meals over the weekend. He has been struggling with that. I need to be tougher.

I would be massively pissed off in your situation.

I work based from home, because I am a freelance journalist. My partner works out of the house. I would say he probably works slightly longer hours than I do but we are both full-time.

We don't have a cleaner; what housework we do, is done between us. He does more (OK pretty well all of) the hoovering. I scrub the showers more. I cook in the week, on account of being the one who's here at 7pm, and he cooks at the weekends.

I occasionally take out washing from the washing machine during my working day (I did this morning - he does more of the washing than I do) or slam together the makings of dinner in my lunch-hour but mostly I am in my office trying to earn a living.

The thing where I think YABU is in doing housework during your working day. You need to prioritise your career just as your DH prioritises his. It's what matters to you. Get in your office, close the door and ignore the sodding hall. Ours is a tip. I don't care. I have deadlines to meet (admittedly I am of course not meeting them at the moment.)

I think we all agree that it's not fair that you're doing all the housework!

However, let me put what you're saying in black and white:

• Your DH doesn't lift a finger around the house, and is unwilling to change.
• You are tired of doing all of the work yourself, and you naturally feel resentful towards him for this

(So far so good, but here comes the crunch):

• You are demanding that your DH goes outside his comfort zone and does something he deeply dislikes to accommodate your wishes. This is a reasonable ask.
• However, you are unwilling to change your own comfort zone and do something that you dislike to consider other solutions. This is not reasonable.

And, here's the real kicker:

• You are willing to end a thirty year marriage over this rather than consider other solutions. To put it another way, you would rather get a divorce than a cleaner.

This is not about the practicalities any more. This is about power, between the two of you, in the relationship and a long history of you feeling exploited. You are not wrong to feel that - but you must recognise that you do bear some responsibility in allowing the relationship to be set up that way. I take back what I said earlier about there being practical solutions - I think the two of you need couples counselling so that you can talk through some of this resentment that has built up and start to see where you can and can't effect change together.

I don't really get the cleaner thing. I agree that you kind of set the boundaries for the list 30 years. It's hard to start moving them now. You've made a rod for your own back really. Why don't you use a professional company to come in (one-off to spring clean) every other month? two girls working for 2.5 hours is only £50. Not £80.

There are some great pPolish girls out there and if you don't want them in certain areas of the house they won't go in there. You could ask them to do the insides of the windows and cobwebs and all the crappy jobs. They could change the bed sheets! They could run the hoover round quick as a flash and mop the floors. You can shut the door on them or go out for a short while.

Don't worry about security or personal items. Just get a company with a good reputation locally (your local community Facebook page is great fort this).

That way it's not a regular thing but enough to take the pressure off you!

Also. Talk the him again. Be honest about how you are feeling and, at the very least, get him to cook you a meal one night a week. And get one of those shower wiper things for the shower and ask him to make sure he uses it! I don't think that's asking too much. But perhaps take baby steps then serious "right, you need to do 2 hours house work at weekends". etc.

I totally agree with Shovetheholly.

Your set up sounds very similar to my parents (they are in their mid-60s) although they have now retired so don't work.

After my dad retired they agreed he would cook dinner once a week, which he does. But he has no skills at all so they eat the same thing every time he cooks :-/

However he does do ALL DIY, painting, decorating, gardening etc (of which there seems to be a lot since they retired!) so I guess mum is happy because its not like he's lounging around whilst she cooks/cleans. They have equal leisure time.

I do think you need to talk to him and maybe look into the counselling option? It won't be long before you might both retire and then your home set up will change because of that?

PMSL about the cleaner. This when the same way on my thread last year. In our case, neither DH or I will allow a cleaner but of course despite explaining it over and over everybody else wouldn't accept that

1. In a relationship there should be equal leisure time.

1. If DH is deficient, you have every right to expect equal rights.

1. You have every right not to have a cleaner and to expect him to actually get off his arse and put effort into addressing his deficiencies.

1. You also have every right to sound off about inequalities.

1. Things only change if there are consequences to him not pulling his weight, things will get worse before they get better. I personally chose my consequences well.

A cleaner is non-negotiable. I don't want a cleaner because I don't like strangers in my home seeing all my personal things. End of.

I think YABU here. That would be ok if it was just you in the house but if my dh said to me that I couldn't employ a cleaner but had to clean because that's his preference, I would tell him to jog on.

If your dh can afford it, he can chose to pay for a cleaner to do his share if he wants. You can't have it both ways.

The real problem here is that as a result of centuries of social conditioning, women are not prepared to live in a shithole. Men are. They don't care. It's not that he expects you to do housework exactly, it's just that he doesn't care if it isn't done. I know I am generalising but this is the situation in millions of households.

I do appreciate I have made a rod for my own back by being so efficient and uncomplaining for so long. I was hesitant about mentioning our ages here because TBH we are not typical of our age group- we are young at heart, fit and everyone who doesn't know our ages, thinks DH is only late 40s- 50 ( and me too:)) He has more energy than men half his age but he devotes it all to work. This makes it possible for me to earn much less, but I'm working for intellectual satisfaction not just the money. I never wanted to be 'just a housewife' but his behaviour seems to leave me with the lion's share of the home.

But it makes me very sad, unhappy, etc when I see other families where equally busy men take on their share of the cooking ( it's that more than or as much as housework that is an issue) and the division of labour is more equal. I've many friends whose DHs work longer hours than mine but they muck in and cook etc.

I don't want a cleaner. The amount of mess does not warrant a cleaner. But I feel belittled cleaning up after someone who does no cleaning up after me. My view is that it is our home and we are equally responsible for cleaning it- not just me, regardless of who works more hours on paid work.

Add to this the fact that DH is untidy, a hoarder (don't get me started on that ), and has no real interest in making the house a 'home' (it's just somewhere he sleeps), then I feel resentment.

Sorry if I have missed any other posts while writing this.

LOL- I'm trying to work out how to explain to the cleaner (!) that they must only clean DHs bits of the house- his side of the bedroom, half the bath, half the kitchen.

Please can we drop the whole cleaner thing?

I have a right to a clean house if that is what I prefer when I am here almost 24/7.
I have a right not to choose to out-source that for whatever reason even if it comes down to privacy or choosing how to spend our money ( funny how so many of you are thinking in terms of 'his' money when we are married.)

I think- and this is where some of you agree with me ( or not) that I have a right to expect the other person in this house to do some of the muck-cleaning when it is also his.

It sounds like you suddenly want him to be a different person than he has for all these years. You say that home has never been that important to him so why do you think it should be now?

Also, he might look young and feel fit but he is still 60 and probably isn't going to change after all these years of being the way he is. I think you've left it too late to make any significant changes, that should have all been done years ago.

What about the children? Did they do their share of housework too, or will they go into relationships with the same attitudes? You really don't do anyone favours by doing it all yourself and then complaining about it. Sorry

But OP you are completely missing the point re the cleaner.

Your dh has a right to hire a cleaner if he wants to. Why do your rights trump his?

You're right, you don't have to have a cleaner but you don't have any right to demand that your H does not outsource his share of the work if he wants to. Personally, working the hours he does I am afraid I agree with him.

If a woman came on here saying that her DH wouldn't allow a cleaner but expected her to do it there'd be uproar. I've seen it.

Fwiw I wouldn't ever want a cleaner either but I do think you're being very unreasonable about all this.

He won't hire a cleaner because in his eyes there is no cleaning to be done. The house stays clean all by itself.
The children did their share at the time- their own rooms and so on- are both brilliant cooks and have happy relationships.
But having said that, I did used to nag DH etc when they were at home because I felt he was not a good role model for them being so useless and hopeless with chores.

I also don't believe it is ever too late to change- that's defeatist and negative. We might have another 30 years together if we are to be like my parents and I'd not put up with this for that long!

Ok- thanks. I am ending my posts now because this is all about a cleaner and there is no way we will have one. If, for example we could not afford one, there would have to be another solution.

DH has never mentioned having a cleaner. He does know how much they cost- I mentioned outsourcing his ironing - and he was aghast. So not sure why anyone thinks he'd be happy to pay for a cleaner.

My situation is fairly similar to yours in that DH works long hours and thoroughly enjoys his job, I work from home around 20 hrs per week, we do have DCs at home but they are teenagers so not so tying as young children.

I would say I do most of the cleaning, all of the washing, decorating and gardening. I also cook 100% of the time that we eat at home. We do DIY which we do a lot of together with mostly DH for brute strength as I am a weakling.

However, if there is nothing to eat/wear/the floor is crawling, DH either does not see it or doesn't care and will offer up a solution to eat out, go to bed early so we can't see the mess, wear something from the charity bag I'm about to thow out.

I think the difference to our situation is that I never feel taken for granted or that it is expected.

I often have time through the day to go for walks or meet friends for coffee or just catch up on tv that I have watched. DH doesn't have this time and is often trashed at the end of the day, he has a hobby which he does quite often, but again always a mutual decision.

Of course this is with DH not my teenagers whom I feel completely taken for granted and expected to slave over but they are work in progress.

And as much as I loath housework, I wouldn't have a cleaner either.

Taking the whole cleaner issue out of the equation. If DH was in charge of dinner 3 days a week but ordered take out each time would that be acceptable? I'm trying to work out if it's the work load or the lack of effort that is bothering you so much.

I wouldn't have a regular cleaner, either. I'd need to spend time tidying in advance of their visit, plus the cost, the security risk, and the inconvenience of having them come at a.specific time. The one off spring clean idea mentioned earlier seems more doable though, as an emergency sanity saving measure...

I also think if he's not interested in cooking/recipes by now (at 60), its unlikely that he'll cultivate an interest now. That might be a bit of a step too far to expect!

Him managing a couple of easy cook bung in the oven type meals a week however is NOT too much to ask at all. Its only fair.

FFS mumsnet really is a contradiction!

Women should expect equality. We should be told to adjust our expectations downwards so men can be allowed to do less or defer their responsibilities.

It took a bit of adjusting in our case. I did write a list and I kept the things he didn't want to and the things that needed doing daily without fail. I left him with easier stuff, jobs that could also be done intermittently.

As he got used to it I then needed to point out we still weren't near equal yet which he'd soon see if we swapped chores lists with each other. I began to ramp up his share towards equality.

He does work unpredictable and sometime long hours so I then expect him to leave things to the following week and if things cant be left I'll do them to keep things ticking over.

I was careful to be scrupulously fair and to show my workings out as far as division of labour was concerned. He learnt to appreciate I was right and the effort I was going to to ensure fairness.

I work from home part-time, my husband goes out to work, leaves at 8.30am and gets home at 5.45pm. He does all the food shopping and all the cooking. He puts the bins out and all DIY. I do the cleaning, washing up, laundry. It's just settled down into this division of labour over the years and seems to work for us.

The people saying 'you're suddenly expecting him to clean' as if this were unreasonable are spectacularly missing the point. How in hell has this man let 30 years go past without realising that in lots of households men do their share? (And before you go 'oh he's 60' - I'm nearly 52 and am not exactly spear-heading the first ever wave of feminism). Of course he should be doing his share. Not expecting it to be done for him.