How much housework / chores does your DH do?

[BigBottomedBertha]

I know this has been done a million times but I'd still like some input.

Basically, I'm sick of DH not pulling his weight- in my opinion.

We have been married 30 years and are 60- but look and behave younger and the DCs only left home after uni 4 years ago. Since then my work has taken off- always worked p/t 15 hrs a week as a teacher- but now (I am freelance in a career change) it's more like 25 hours and sometimes I am working in the evenings.

In the past, when DCs lived with us, I did 100% of the cooking and cleaning. DH would cut the grass, put the bins out and pick up some food shopping when asked and given a list. He'd never cook. He does work long hours- 8-7pm and travels quite a lot.

We have had numerous discussions over this and it's becoming a deal breaker for me.

I was always quite career-minded but having my DCs in my 30s, lack of family back up, DH away a lot, meant my career was put on hold so I fell into being this '1950s' type mum, doing all the household stuff plus my work.

I now feel very resentful that he has not changed, though I have made changes. I no longer do his washing or ironing and the 'deal' is he cooks at weekends. Sometimes he 'forgets' or needs ideas about what we might eat- his cooking skills are almost zero but of course that is no excuse- he can buy an almost-ready meal and bung it in the oven.

At the moment his only contribution to the house is putting the wheelie bins out, cutting the grass in summer, and - his one job we agreed on- hoovering the stairs as I can't lift heavy stuff due to an old injury. he also takes care of all bill paying (online banking as the bills are in his name being the higher earner.)

I do everything else - hoovering, dusting lounge, dining room and bedrooms, window cleaning, cleaning 2 large bathrooms and 3 loos (Dcs come and visit now and then) , washing kitchen and utility floors, changing bed(s), all online food shopping inc all cleaning stuff etc, gardening except heavy stuff, and 99% of cooking and planning meals.

We have spoken at times of splitting up (other issues as well as these) but AIBU to expect a man who works his hours to do more around the house? And to even see what needs doing without being asked?

(I don't want a cleaner because TBH with just 2 of us we can manage easily- and I don't want to waste the money.)

I procrastinated about getting a cleaner for a while because I didn't like the thought of some-one in my personal space and for all the other privacy issues people have stated but you know what it's the best thing i've ever done.

I think you want a reason to walk out on this marriage but if your not happy with your DH and have felt neglected and unloved for years then you don't need the housework issue to validate this. Just leave and start a new life without him where your needs are important

DH works 5 days and I do 4.

His jobs - cooking, food shopping, kitchen cleaning, hoovering, lawn mowing
My jobs - tidying, laundry, all other cleaning, admin & family organisation.

Bins are whoever can't fit anymore in the bin.

Childcare - 50/50, except for my one day when DH is at work and I'm not. I do the nursery run though.

We're both happy with the split but then again it is easier when our hours are more even. In the school holidays when DH is off (teacher) I do fully expect him to do a lot more, which he usually does except the bathrooms

The only solution I can see is that you both sit down and agree on a complete list of all chores. Then realistically write down how many hours you work and divvy up accordingly. I can't see how he can fail to see that as fair.

I know what you mean. I was married to a man who was crap at DIY, couldn't cook and did no cleaning up. Would literally leave his wet towel on the floor or bed! Never gardened (or if he did weed he'd weed my 10 year old clematis:-()On the rare occasions before a dinner party he would muck in, which basically meant, shove everything in cupboards or drawers! Never to be found again when I need them

And then he'd be a martyr about it!
I use stingiest he did the blue jobs. Now the lawn and do the bin or wash the cars. He often forgot and my mum would say 'why don't you do them'. My point to her was... The more I do the less he does. Fact!

Didn't want to end up like his mum. She does EVERYTHING! Bins, car, lawn, garden, cook! Everything. FIL. Watched TV, walks and plays golf. And works a little.

The more we do. The less they do. Simples.

You have no dcs at home, he works full time, long hours, you work pt. i do think you should be doing most of it, sounds a fair. If he forgets the meal at weekend, have a stash of frozen ready meals for YOU or have take away.

Dh and I do everything between us as and when it needs doing. I couldn't even say who does what because we don't have fixed roles. He does tend to cook most evenings I suppose and I'm more likely to keep on top of the dc's homework but generally it just all gets done.

Never been an issue. But then we have been like that from the start. I wouldn't have married a man who didn't take his share without being asked. I wouldn't want to be writing lists and managing him. That's not attractive to me in a partner.

Plenty of older men learn to cook. There are courses and all. Cooking is not rocket science. Nor are hovering, dusting or wiping down kitchen surfaces.

He has a degree, a brain and can read. The kitchen is wall to wall cookery books and there are recipes online and in newspapers. I refuse to treat his lack of cookery skills as if he was a child. He was in and around the kitchen when I cooked a lot just like the DCs- how come they can cook brilliantly? Because they want to.

I can't believe most of the replies on here. He is not pulling his weight. Full stop.

Yes you are asking him to go out of his comfort zone but you've been out of your comfort zone for 30 years and he hasn't given a shit about that.

This is not about getting a cleaner. This is about him not taking responsibility for the household.

YANBU but is he going to change? And can you live with the fact that he may not change? Is this a deal breaker?

And I agree. He is behaving like a child.

Well, for example, I would not expect the queen or Barrack Obama to work 100 hour weeks or whatever and then cook, wash their smalls, hoover. It is acceptable to throw money at these tasks. What is not acceptable and this only came up later in the thread is for the OP's DH to leave the house in a state of chaos due to hoarding and the fact that actually it emerged that he would not acknowledge that cleaning is required and is happening.

When my DH needed retaining, it was because of years of me being a SAHM and him working outside the home on long and unpredictable hours. Our circumstances changed and so began an irritating period of adjustment as he needed to learn to recognise what needed doing and that home was no longer purely a place of leisure for him.

To those saying they wouldn't expect men to be able to adjust and learn new skills, makes me appreciate my DH and my family because all of the men in my life have shown themselves to be perfectly adaptable to new things.

Can't you see that you're setting up a situation of impasse, a pressure cooker of arguments and simmering resentments that is not healthy?

No, he's doing it. Suggesting the OP lets her husband off the domestic hook by paying someone to do his share is just going to lead to more resentment.

I'd pay for a cleaner again if we could really afford it, but not because my partner shouldn't have to do chores.

Frankly, the main reason he is able to work those long sodding hours and have a nice home life is that someone has done all the work to make that possible.

As dh works FT and I am lucky enough to work just 3 days a week, then that gives me a starting point of having around 18 hours a week more than him, to contribute to household things. Add in to that the fact that I am lucky enough to work from home some of the time, so it's easy enough to put the dishwasher on or hang out some washing whilst waiting for the kettle to boil, and I would expect to be doing a darn sight more than dh around the home.
Your comparisons with your dh seem - if I've read it right - that you would have proportionately a LOT more time than your dh. If it's just the 2 of you and not so much to be done, I can't see why this wouldn't be reasonable for you to do most of the household stuff in the hours that are the difference between what he works and what you work.

I can't understand the hoarding problem either. If he didn't sort it out, I would. If he is creating a mess and refusing to tidy it up, it would all be put in binbags and out the back door.

I work F/T but my wife is a SAHM to our boys 15 & 11

I do laundry when needed
I do Ironing when needed
I cook, almost exclusivley at weekends
I do housework when needed
I put the bins out
I cut the grass
Get the children up in the morning
Make school lunches
Dad Taxi

It just depends on what my wife has managed/can be bothered to do during the week...So if she hasn't done any housework for a few days either we will both blitz the lot in a day or I will do it if she is out.

"Frankly, the main reason he is able to work those long sodding hours and have a nice home life is that someone has done all the work to make that possible." Agreed.

Blimey, reading the trail with interest. Try being a single parent doing it all!

Yes he should try being a single parent and doing it all.

Although he is out of the house from 8-7ish ( sometimes he is home by 6), that includes his drive to work which is anything from 35-45 mins each way.
I am self employed. If I were to work 25 hrs a week sitting in an office or in a job that meant I just went in to work then came home, maybe I'd be more accommodating. But all the money I earn is through my own creative efforts. I don't work 9-5 or the equivalent as some of what I do is done out of office hours when I can get hold of people. I'm not willing to say exactly what I do, but if you compare it to tenders, I put a lot of work in that doesn't necessarily translate into paid contracts as it is a very competitive industry.

When we married DH was 30 and so was I. He had his own house which was reasonably clean ( but we had a LDR so I expect he blitzed it before I arrived once a fortnight.) I do know that even when he was single and working the same hours as now, he'd find time to do his own cleaning, cooking, shopping and have 2 nights out a week with his mates.

I admit 100% that I have partly created the current situation but to blame someone else(!) he was clearly brought up where his mum expected him to do nothing (they owned and lived in a small hotel so they had staff to clean or she did it.)

His 'excuse' for not cooking is that he says I am such a good cook that anything he does will be useless in comparison. I have stressed that I don't want cordon bleu, just food on the table. I am not super fussy.

I am not even asking for 50-50, 60-40 or even 75-25 division of labour- I just want him to take some part in the domestic side of living together.

Hoarding- this is tricky. He 'collects' things and has things in boxes under the bed and in the spare room to the extent that I can't find room for my clothes and other stuff. There is no way I could throw it out as it's valuable, some of it. But it is never used and it's not things the DCs would want to inherit.
He also has huge issues dealing with paperwork- it is never filed and there have been times when I have been very very cross that I needed something when he was out or overseas and it wasn't filed or it was mis-filed. I then said I'd take charge of the paperwork but then thought hang-on, that's me doing everything again.

He is very good at his job but at home he is a man-child I think.

I really don't think IABU to expect some contribution to the day to day running of the house and thank posters who agree.

I underestimated my contribution when I did a thread on this too.

That's why I've been careful to word my posts regarding equal leisure time, rather than paid working hours

I'm sure that is where many couple fall down on the equality front.

My dh works. That's his job

I work nights, look after our four children (youngest is a baby), I do the shopping and cooking, the washing and ironing, the cleaning and tidying. I do the gardening and ds1 cuts the grass

To say he has it easy is an understatement!

I am going to ltb because of it.

No DCs, both working.

I do washing, cooking, meal planning, food shopping.

He does bins, DIY, garden, washing cars.

We both do general tidying, dishwasher, sorting and putting away clean clothes. He does his own ironing. We have a cleaner so neither of us do other housework.

Reckon it evens out. I hate doing the stuff he does and he hates doing the stuff I do so it seems pretty fair.

The principle of having equal leisure time is a good one. Several people have said how they divide tasks somewhat equally but another approach might be to do some tasks together as a shared endeavour. Do you enjoy each other's company enough to eg cook together? - either an evening meal over a glass of wine or, more efficiently, batch cooking every few weeks & freezing for later. This might also get over any hesitancy of how to cook which he may have. I read several instructions 're how to tile but I still needed to see someone do it to have confidence to do it myself.