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Original poster

Met a lovely guy but he has told me he has herpes

100 replies

creativeme · 28/03/2015 15:35

This is so tough, I really need some advice on this one as I am actually for the first time not sure what to do.
I met this lovely guy about 6 months ago and instantly there was a great attraction. We went out for dinner, things were good, but he said 3 months later he had something to tell me.
After dinner one night and in my bedroom, he said it would be fair to tell me that he had been given herpes by his ex 2 years ago, she didnt tell him and just gave it to him, because he likes me, he said, I would like to tell you something and if you read up on it, it will be ok between us if you like.

Thats when he told me he had herpes and it flares up when he is stressed, or run down and we just wouldn't be able to do anything then or when it flares up.

I have since then said i would think about it and he has been very upset about this with me and feels very neglected. (I don't blame him to be honest) I am just not sure what to do, I havent a clue what herpes is all about and how serious it can be too.

Any advice.....as I do like him, he's a nice guy, quite reserved and serious and we are into the same things too!

thank you

OP posts:
alicemalice · 28/03/2015 15:57

Well a friend of mine has herpes. She got it off her ex-husband and it has really affected her life to be honest, mostly self-esteem wise.

She always tells any potential date/boyfriend very early on and before they've even start having sex, so they can make their own decision. This hasn't been easy and some have walked away but she feels she couldn't go ahead without their knowledge.

What he's said about being careful sounds similar to what my friend's said.

The only difference is... he's left it a long time to tell you.

orangefusion · 28/03/2015 15:59

Do what he says, read up on it. It's a skin condition which can be passed between people.
You can't really protect yourself from it which is why an estimated 60% of people carry the virus. When my dr diagnosed me he told me this 60% statistic and then went on to say "and 100% if the people in this room carry the virus" . Bless that doctor.
Everyone gets it from someone. We don't always know for sure who or when because it's a nasty thing, it lurks sometimes for months or years before an outbreak.
It can be controlled to a degree with suppressant drugs, I take a daily pill and have not had an ob for three years.
Don't judge him, unless he told you after you'd already had sex.
Caveat: it can be v dangerous if you are giving birth whilst having a first outbreak.

Boomf · 28/03/2015 16:26

If you haven't got a clue then read up on it? Seems pretty easy to me

Egghead68 · 28/03/2015 17:34

I think the majority of people have/carry oral and/or genital herpes. It is quite likely you do yourself.

There is a good website here: www.herpes.org.uk

Would you avoid having oral sex with someone who sometimes gets cold-sores?

If not it seems a bit illogical to avoid having sex with someone who sometimes gets genital outbreaks.

notsurewot2do32 · 28/03/2015 17:39

He waited 6 months to tell you? Confused have you had sex with him in that time?

Findingthisdifficult1234 · 28/03/2015 17:46

I think read up on it, and if you really like him then just learn to live with it. Seems ashame to throw away a potentially good relationship because of something like that, and I expect he wanted you to get to know him first before putting you off so that's why he told you after 3 months rather than a first date.
He will know when he has a flare up and when you need to avoid sex/contact, he might not have a flare up for years

Unexpected · 28/03/2015 17:51

Notsure he waited three months to tell her, not six. For some reason another three months seems to have passed without the OP attempting to find out anything about herpes or what the implications are. OP, my advice would be the same as others here, please find out about herpes. Only when you have some information (and not from Wiki) can you decide how you want to move on.

expatinscotland · 28/03/2015 17:54

Yuk. Sorry, but I'd dump. I went out very briefly with a guy who told me he had it, again it was early on. I'd be miffed he waited until I was invested in the relationship.

Timeforabiscuit · 28/03/2015 17:59

You wouldn't dump someone who suffered from cold sores! These just happen to be on the genitals ffs!

I wouldn't go telling people UNLESS I thought the relationship was worth pursuing, if you haven't had sex I think he's a keeper!

Username111 · 28/03/2015 18:05

A friend of mine has herpes and was really worried about telling her partner. She actually waited til over a year of being with him im sure. Whenever she had a flare up she just avoided sex and he got suspicious so she told him. He took it really well and they just use protection when she gets a flare up. I knew about this and she was really anxious about telling him. Once it was out in the open she said she felt relieved. I'd say they've been together at least 5/6 years now. Not that it's any of my business but she hasnt said he's contracted it too so they both dealt with it :) whether the outcome would've been the same if she told him before they were living together etc, who knows

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 28/03/2015 18:08

Expat, I normally respect and love your straight talking style but in this case, fuck that. Yuk? Yuk?!? It's a minor skin irritation that is passed on through both sexual and non sexual contact with a carrier, or ten without symptoms. 50% of carriers never have a symptom. You probably carry it yourself. It's really stigmatising and unhelpful to promote attitudes like that and really misrepresents how serious herpes is.

OP, is it type one or type two? Type one is extremely mild. If you avoid sexual contact from first tingle until ten days after the blister has gone you will probably be fine.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 28/03/2015 18:09

And expat - fucked up attitudes like yours are why people don't share it too soon as it's harder to dump someone you have invested in over a fucking minor skin complaint.

expatinscotland · 28/03/2015 18:10

Yeah, actually, I would dump someone for genital cold sores. I have also dumped for small dick, hairy back, won't give oral sex (I give, too), unclean home/car, still lived with flatmates/housemates in his 30s, had kids and all manner of things I found off putting. I have similarly been dumped for things others found off putting. Not at all bothered.

It's perfectly fine to dump someone for whatever reason if you don't like it.

It's only been 6 months.

You have no ties to this person.

Your call.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 28/03/2015 18:12

Would you dump for facial cold sores?

expatinscotland · 28/03/2015 18:12

'And expat - fucked up attitudes like yours are why people don't share it too soon as it's harder to dump someone you have invested in over a fucking minor skin complaint.'

That's your opinion, Erich. I see it as more than a 'minor skin complaint'. It can badly affect people. It's an STI. It's preferable people be upfront about STI's, IMO.

expatinscotland · 28/03/2015 18:14

'Would you dump for facial cold sores?'

Possibly. Depends. I have been dumped for having back acne, for having too large boobs, for living in a studio flat, all kinds of things.

I don't take offense.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 28/03/2015 18:14

I have type one, and it is absolutely a minor skin complaint. Chapped lips during winter are more debilitating. A mosquito bite is more uncomfortable. I get a common cold more often than I get a break out.

And I caught it from an ex who had facial cold sores.

gamerchick · 28/03/2015 18:19

I don't think I would dump if he got them in the 'right' place. I would if somebody got that strain of herpes on their faces though. Everyone has hangups against something.

You do know cold sores are a herpes don't you OP?

NerrSnerr · 28/03/2015 18:27

If he told you about it 3 months ago why haven't you researched it? It's your call if you stay with him but seems unfair to keep him hanging on.

luckiestgirlintheworld · 28/03/2015 19:41

I have it, it doesn't really bother me. The flare-ups are itchy and sometimes a bit painful, but Im lucky I only get a few a year.

My husband gave it to me I think, so we must just pass it between each other (don't use protection). He doesn't get any symptoms.

I suppose the difference is he is my life partner and I dont really intend on having sex with anyone else, whereas it would be riskier for you to catch it from this guy, to then possibly split up, and then you're left with it possibly being a problem for future relationships.

I'd read up on it if I were you and discuss your thoughts with him. I wouldnt let it point blank put you off him if you like him.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 28/03/2015 19:47

You don't pass it between each other, you just have it. Once you have it you have it, you can't be reinfected.

luckiestgirlintheworld · 28/03/2015 19:51

Yeah, I chose odd wording there.

tormentil · 28/03/2015 19:51

I have it. It's not something that bothers me - haven't had a flare up for years now. It's an issue when starting a new relationship as I run the risk of passing it on to a sexual partner. So, it's only good manners to tell. I've only had to tell 3 men and it didn't put any of them off, and as far as I know, I haven't passed it on.

I think that it's made into a bigger deal than it actually is - it's no different from a cold sore and flare ups tend to happen when you are run down.

Coyoacan · 28/03/2015 20:02

Thanks Egghead68 that site is very reassuring. Genital herpes used to be thought serious, I can't remember why, but it seems relatively problem free.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 28/03/2015 20:06

Type 2 can be horrid and if you pass it on to a newborn it can be dangerous.