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Original poster

Met a lovely guy but he has told me he has herpes

100 replies

creativeme · 28/03/2015 15:35

This is so tough, I really need some advice on this one as I am actually for the first time not sure what to do.
I met this lovely guy about 6 months ago and instantly there was a great attraction. We went out for dinner, things were good, but he said 3 months later he had something to tell me.
After dinner one night and in my bedroom, he said it would be fair to tell me that he had been given herpes by his ex 2 years ago, she didnt tell him and just gave it to him, because he likes me, he said, I would like to tell you something and if you read up on it, it will be ok between us if you like.

Thats when he told me he had herpes and it flares up when he is stressed, or run down and we just wouldn't be able to do anything then or when it flares up.

I have since then said i would think about it and he has been very upset about this with me and feels very neglected. (I don't blame him to be honest) I am just not sure what to do, I havent a clue what herpes is all about and how serious it can be too.

Any advice.....as I do like him, he's a nice guy, quite reserved and serious and we are into the same things too!

thank you

OP posts:

lovemycatsanddog · 30/07/2017 11:19

would not have been so honest[typos]

ChickenBhuna · 30/07/2017 11:22

If he's a great guy I'd not dismiss him because of this.

He told you before you'd had sex and herpes , I believe is one of those things that isn't contagious unless he has sores at that exact moment.

As long as you communicate and he is committed to keeping you infection free (I'd say he may be as he has been open with you) then I don't see a long term issue.

Whatswrongwithme333 · 30/07/2017 11:23

Whilst I quite agree it's wrong to withhold sexual health information, you are very wrong regarding childbirth. The vast majority of women can and do have vaginal births. The baby will have protection from the mothers antibodies. The only issue is if the first episode is during pregnancy and there isn't time for antibodies to have developed.

ChickenBhuna · 30/07/2017 11:25

Sorry OP , I've just read from other pps that you can become infected without a sore being there.

Apologies.

MrsFigg · 30/07/2017 11:33

I know this is an old thread but have to comment for others reading it.
I have had 3 vaginal births.
I got it many years ago from An ex with oral herpes.
My last baby at 5 days old did have to have a course of oral antibiotics as my immune system took a battering during labour and I had a tiny spot that felt different to other postnatal wounds. Yes it was a pain and yes it was a little worrying as my infant could then have been at risk but it was a small chance. I gave her antibiotics just to be safe.

Not once antenatally was a c section discussed due to my history of herpes. It really wasn't a big deal. It wasn't even discussed with any of my pregnancies. So spouting false and uneducated information about herpes and childbirth is infuriating.

Ava7Susan · 14/08/2017 00:44

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PAULJONSON878 · 30/01/2019 16:59

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Pennythoughts28 · 22/12/2022 00:52

I wouldnt date someone who gets coldsores that would be a deal breaker for me tbh

Pennythoughts28 · 22/12/2022 00:55

You wouldn't tell someone you have herpes and have sex with them , that's actually pretty evil

OldFan · 22/12/2022 01:06

@creativeme I imagine getting herpes would be pretty awful because of the romantic implications if you were to date someone else. So if you really like the guy, maybe continue to date without sex. If he were to end up your husband it obviously would be no big deal that he has this I imagine, but if he gave you herpes and then you were trying to look for a new partner, you might struggle a bit more than you otherwise would, because people don't want to catch something they'll have for life.

Moser85 · 22/12/2022 01:07

ZOMBIE

Ofcourseshecan · 22/12/2022 01:29

SonnyJimBob · 29/03/2015 05:57

I think it's quite sickening how people on this thread (and others) have/are minimising it.

It's a sexually transmitted disease. Not comparable to a coldsore, because you don't have to be sexually intimate with someone to catch a coldsore. A 'harmless' peck on the lips, can give you a coldsore, the same cannot be said about genital herpes.

You cannot dismiss genital herpes as "just a virus", it's a nasty and painful STD that you have to live with for the rest of your life, and that you can pass onto others for the rest of THEIR lives. Would people have the same view about HIV, I wonder? - Especially as it is now not always a life limiting condition.

Genital herpes may be mild for some and severe for others. No OP, I do not think you should sleep with this man.

Sonny, do you mean an STD is more shameful than other infections? That’s your hang-up. I don’t think sex is shameful, so I don’t think STDs are shameful.

If you don’t mean that, I don’t understand the point you’re making. Facial coldsores (which I get occasionally) are also nasty and sometimes a bit painful, and can also be passed on to other people if you’re not careful during an outbreak.

HIV can kill. It’s not comparable with any kind of herpes.

SunflowerTed · 22/12/2022 03:16

creativeme · 28/03/2015 15:35

Thats when he told me he had herpes and it flares up when he is stressed, or run down and we just wouldn't be able to do anything then or when it flares up.

Any advice.....as I do like him, he's a nice guy, quite reserved and serious and we are into the same things too!

thank you

Haven’t you read up in it?????? Google it !

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 22/12/2022 06:54

JadeJadeJade · 30/07/2017 09:54

Yo @expatinscotland I just read your reply post from 2015 and got an account just so I could hi give you sister 👌🤘 It seems every woman who has responded to this post has overlooked a very important aspect of genital herpes which is the fact that if a female gets it she can't have a natural vaginal birth, not to mention the fact that this guy had sex with her without telling her everything up front, he took the choice from her, he kept this from her, he lied about this for his own selfish reasons. To be honest upfront would have shown a true strength in character. If we continue to "settle" for this kind of bull shit we are only letting each other down. Women out number men in this world so men can just pick us off like little cherries from a tree... that is until we start to support each other it is NOT ok to withhold sexual health information. It is not OK at all ☝️

Yeah this isn't true at all, only if you contract herpes DURING pregnancy.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 22/12/2022 06:56

Pennythoughts28 · 22/12/2022 00:52

I wouldnt date someone who gets coldsores that would be a deal breaker for me tbh

You know that 75% of the population carry herpes simplex type 1? And that half the people who carry it will never get a symptom?

sure have whatever boundaries you like but you can't possibly rule out everyone with the cold sore virus.

BenCoopersSupportWren · 22/12/2022 08:19

SunflowerTed · 22/12/2022 03:16

Haven’t you read up in it?????? Google it !

Show quote history

This thread is from 2015 so I’m guessing the OP has read a bit about it by now…

Pennythoughts28 · 22/12/2022 10:40

Yes I do 😬 that's chances you take but if someone knowingly has coldsores then we know for a fact they have herpes I wouldn't personally date someone who has coldsores

OldFan · 22/12/2022 13:50

Coldsores don't usually mean the person has genital herpes. It's not the same. People can get it from oral from someone with a cold sore apparently, but it's not the same risk as PIV with someone with genital herpes, i'dve thought.

A lot of us have the cold sore virus without ever having symptoms or knowing we have it. We do not usually transmit herpes.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 22/12/2022 13:53

OldFan · 22/12/2022 13:50

A lot of us have the cold sore virus without ever having symptoms or knowing we have it. We do not usually transmit herpes.

It is the same if you have HSV1 on the genitals! You can transmit it to the genitals if you give oral sex when you're infectious.

VisaGeezer · 22/12/2022 14:07

orangefusion · 29/03/2015 04:21

Does knowing if it's type 2 or 1 really matter? The symptoms are the same.
I thank that early doctor for being so pragmatic and prescribing acyclovir orally to treat the symptoms and now I take valtrex to prevent on. Valtrex reduces shedding and hoes some way to protecting your partner. I think I would want him to take valtrrex.

I had/have Type 1, and never ever have recurrent outbreaks.

So one would imagine it would be much harder to get type 1 off anyone.

I have actually had type 1 twice - which I doubt is even seen as possible.

The first time I know it was type 1 because I had never had sex (lesions not tested).

Second time I know it was type 2 because the lesion was tested and confirmed type1.
I had just had OS from my (bearded) ex bf.

Some might argue that it was an outbreak of the first one. ... But it was years and years later and I'd had not one outbreak/recurrence. And I'd had OS from him for the first time. I suppose you might argue friction but I doubt it.

VisaGeezer · 22/12/2022 14:08

*Second time I know it was type 1 because the lesion was tested and confirmed type1.
I had just had OS from my (bearded) ex bf.

VisaGeezer · 22/12/2022 14:10

Coldsores don't usually mean the person has genital herpes. It's not the same.

I think you're actually less likely to develop genital herpes if you get cold sores. Not sure if there's anything in black and white about that.

Scottlson · 10/03/2023 03:14

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Whatabambam · 10/03/2023 07:03

My friend has herpes, a previous partner told her that he had it prior to them having sex and she chose to sleep with him and instantly acquired the virus.

It's been very nasty for her with multiple outbreaks and a great deal of pain which stops her from being active. I can actually observe the difference in her when she has an outbreak, it's so significant that you can see her wince when walking.

Of more importance, her self esteem has absolutely nosedived. Although she tries to be accepting about it and recognises she made an informed decision, she does regret the choice she made. It has greatly reduced her dating options. She doesn't feel confident dating anymore.

What really struck me about your post was the fact that he has thrown in some emotional manipulation by more or less sulking. Although it must be difficult for him, the fact that he is putting pressure on you says a lot about him. I personally would walk away.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 10/03/2023 07:30

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