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Original poster

Met a lovely guy but he has told me he has herpes

100 replies

creativeme · 28/03/2015 15:35

This is so tough, I really need some advice on this one as I am actually for the first time not sure what to do.
I met this lovely guy about 6 months ago and instantly there was a great attraction. We went out for dinner, things were good, but he said 3 months later he had something to tell me.
After dinner one night and in my bedroom, he said it would be fair to tell me that he had been given herpes by his ex 2 years ago, she didnt tell him and just gave it to him, because he likes me, he said, I would like to tell you something and if you read up on it, it will be ok between us if you like.

Thats when he told me he had herpes and it flares up when he is stressed, or run down and we just wouldn't be able to do anything then or when it flares up.

I have since then said i would think about it and he has been very upset about this with me and feels very neglected. (I don't blame him to be honest) I am just not sure what to do, I havent a clue what herpes is all about and how serious it can be too.

Any advice.....as I do like him, he's a nice guy, quite reserved and serious and we are into the same things too!

thank you

OP posts:
snowmummy · 28/03/2015 20:10

Over 70% of the population carry the herpes virus. Read about it, contact herpes.org.uk. Don't let ignorant attitudes sway you.

RhubarbAndMustard · 28/03/2015 20:13

expat, unless you plan to refrain from sex ever, then you are at risk from catching Herpes. You may even have it.
OP, read up on it. It really isn't the be all and end all, but it really is your choice. You do not need opinions from ignorant people though. Know the facts and decide from there.

TRexingInAsda · 28/03/2015 20:18

It must be a really hard thing to tell anyone, and it speaks volumes for his character that he was upfront with you about this before you got closer. Obviously that is just what anyone should do, but the reality is, some people don't, out of selfishness or embarrassment (there was a thread on here recently where someone was asking if she should tell her bf of a year or so I think)! If you like him, read up on it and make your mind up. Can you get tested for it yourself? You might have the virus anyway, in which case, the decision is a lot easier.

expatinscotland · 28/03/2015 20:20

Well, you're definitely at risk if you have sex with someone known to have genital herpes simplex.

Of course, anyone who finds this a dealbreaker is just ignorant Hmm.

snowmummy · 28/03/2015 20:25

No, expat, you're at risk if you have sex with someone, who has an active outbreak of herpes at the time of sex. Do you check that everyone you kiss does not carry the virus for facial cold sores? Because lots of people have it and have no symptoms, only have breakouts once in a blue moon.

snowmummy · 28/03/2015 20:26

To be clear, you won't catch it unless there is an active sore. Got it??

FanFuckingTastic · 28/03/2015 20:27

I think it is up to you what you want to do with your own body, however if this person was great in all other aspects, and had responsibly told me about it before sexual contact, it wouldn't be a deal breaker for me.

I carry the virus, I had one outbreak in my teens, and none since. I have immune problems caused by a rheumatological issue, and by kidney issues, and have still never had another outbreak.

It may be a consideration that there will be times you would want to avoid sexual contact if he has an active outbreak. I get shingles and a partner who had not had chickenpox would probably want to avoid me at that time, it's similar in my head. It doesn't become terrible simply because the virus is on the genitals, it's fairly common.

I understand if you don't have experience being a bit doubtful, there are places you can go to get more information and learn a bit before you decide.

Everlostatoothbrush · 28/03/2015 20:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

snowmummy · 28/03/2015 20:29

FanFuckingTantastic, sensible post, reasoned post.

expatinscotland · 28/03/2015 20:53

You are entitled to your opinion, Everlast.

It would be a dealbreaker for me but again, lots of things others find shallow are, and I have also been dumped in the past for things others would not.

It's up to the OP.

snowmummy · 28/03/2015 20:57

Of course we're all entitled to an opinion, but those whose opinions are based on fact and reason are generally respected.

NoArmaniNoPunani · 28/03/2015 20:58

A couple of my close friends have genital herpes and one of my exes did too. It's not really a big deal, most people carry the virus

expatinscotland · 28/03/2015 20:59

The OP doesn't need anything other than her own opinion as to whether or not she wants to continue the relationship or not. She asked for advice. Mine would be to end it. Others disagree. That's fine.

Salene · 28/03/2015 21:04

It would not bother me it's extreamly common and a large % of the population already have it, often unaware as they don't have symtoms

To me it's on par with chicken pox , glandular fever etc . Also virus a large % of population carry,

It just has stigma because it's on your privates but come I this is 2015, don't be backward thinking.

He clearly is aware when he has outbreaks just refrain from sexual contact when he has a active sore. It certainly would not be a deal breaker for me.

snowmummy · 28/03/2015 21:06

Others' opinions are based on the facts. This expat, is not and is actually ignorant: Well, you're definitely at risk if you have sex with someone known to have genital herpes simplex.

The op was asking for opinions. Let's hope she's now a little more informed and more able to make an informed decision.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 28/03/2015 21:26

Expat you're entitled to dump people for anything you choose, but your 'yuk' response is hurtful, ignorant and stigmatising.

Cabrinha · 28/03/2015 21:36

Everyone is replying about whether they'd dump or not... but doesn't seem like anyone is talking about the fact this guy is putting pressure on.

OK, he told you 3 months ago so perhaps he is justified in thinking you should shit or get off the pot. But I'd say that pressuring someone after you've told them about your STD is a dump worthy offence, whatever your view on herpes itself.

I can't work out:

  • whether he told you before sex.
  • why it's taken you 3 months to seemingly do any research, and then only on MN Hmm
CrystalSkull · 29/03/2015 00:09

I have it.

The comparison to facial cold sores is well meant but in my opinion, it downplays how severe genital herpes can be.

Your boyfriend probably has type 2 (the kind that usually appears on the genitals) if he is having recurrent outbreaks. It is possible to get type 1 (the kind that usually appears around the mouth) on the genitals, but it tends to be a lot milder and rarely leads to recurrent outbreaks.

Type 2 can be extremely uncomfortable. My first outbreak gave me blisters from my knees to my belly button and landed me in A&E as I was unable to walk or sit down. I've had several since that were nearly as bad - though taking anti-viral medication has helped a lot.

If I were you, I would want to avoid catching type 2. Having said that, you may already have type 1 and therefore some degree of immunity.

Good luck.

dratsea · 29/03/2015 03:40

creative a dilemma no less, one I have had.

So: Herpes simplex type 1 and 2. Type 1 is oral, but can affect your bits. Type 2 is genital and I think can affect the mouth. Age ?5 I got type 1 (I think I got it from my mum) got cold sores, and now get recurrence when under the weather and exposure to UV but despite last 5 yrs in tropics no problems, though think I may in next 10 years get cancer on my lip (well retired so no big deal). Never had genital problem.

Fast forward mid twenties, serious girlfriend, already engaged? both doctors, she got genital herpes, (predates tests for type 1/2). We did have oral experiences ?me with a cold sore. Both her parents doctors, one a psychosexual counsellor. Became a big issue but we married, I never got genital, she is as far as I know no longer troubled.

I believe: Getting type 1 oral as a child protects from Type 2 genital. If no previous exposure you can get type 1 on genitals but short lived. It should now be possible to tell which type in either site, but AFAIK only if samples taken from lesions.

Hope that helps, feel free to pm as I have been a bit vague to avoid being identified.

Faez · 29/03/2015 03:58

To be clear, you won't catch it unless there is an active sore.

This isn't true, what about Asymptomatic Viral Shedding

orangefusion · 29/03/2015 04:21

Does knowing if it's type 2 or 1 really matter? The symptoms are the same.
I thank that early doctor for being so pragmatic and prescribing acyclovir orally to treat the symptoms and now I take valtrex to prevent on. Valtrex reduces shedding and hoes some way to protecting your partner. I think I would want him to take valtrrex.

Athrawes · 29/03/2015 05:34

I have type 2, have had for 25 years. Married for 7, with my husband for 10. He had not caught it. My child has not caught it and was a vaginal delivery. It is a mean and nasty wee virus but the most horrid thing is the shame associated with having it. To tell a potential partner that you have it is sickening and terrifying.
He is a brave man who cares enough to tell you and to want to protect you.
He can get help to reduce his flare ups and may want to go and see a GUM clinic, maybe with you so that you can both be reassured.

I'd give him a go.

Athrawes · 29/03/2015 05:35

Getting type 1 as a child does bugger all to protect you from type 2. I know.

SonnyJimBob · 29/03/2015 05:57

I think it's quite sickening how people on this thread (and others) have/are minimising it.

It's a sexually transmitted disease. Not comparable to a coldsore, because you don't have to be sexually intimate with someone to catch a coldsore. A 'harmless' peck on the lips, can give you a coldsore, the same cannot be said about genital herpes.

You cannot dismiss genital herpes as "just a virus", it's a nasty and painful STD that you have to live with for the rest of your life, and that you can pass onto others for the rest of THEIR lives. Would people have the same view about HIV, I wonder? - Especially as it is now not always a life limiting condition.

Genital herpes may be mild for some and severe for others. No OP, I do not think you should sleep with this man.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 29/03/2015 07:27

1- yes you can pass it on without an active sore
2- no getting type one doesn't protect against type 2, it only protects against it in the area you catch it. So you won't catch both types facially or genitally
3- yes it does matter if it's type one or two, the severity and symptoms are completely different
4- sonnyjim it's comparable to a cold sore because it is a cold sore. It's exactly the same as a cold sore, if you gave type one. I'm minimising it because I actually have it and so I know what it is like. I compared it to chapped lips or a mosquito bite earlier, both are more frequent, painful and annoying. Don't you dare compare it to hiv that's just ignorant and ridiculous.