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Original poster

Met a lovely guy but he has told me he has herpes

100 replies

creativeme · 28/03/2015 15:35

This is so tough, I really need some advice on this one as I am actually for the first time not sure what to do.
I met this lovely guy about 6 months ago and instantly there was a great attraction. We went out for dinner, things were good, but he said 3 months later he had something to tell me.
After dinner one night and in my bedroom, he said it would be fair to tell me that he had been given herpes by his ex 2 years ago, she didnt tell him and just gave it to him, because he likes me, he said, I would like to tell you something and if you read up on it, it will be ok between us if you like.

Thats when he told me he had herpes and it flares up when he is stressed, or run down and we just wouldn't be able to do anything then or when it flares up.

I have since then said i would think about it and he has been very upset about this with me and feels very neglected. (I don't blame him to be honest) I am just not sure what to do, I havent a clue what herpes is all about and how serious it can be too.

Any advice.....as I do like him, he's a nice guy, quite reserved and serious and we are into the same things too!

thank you

OP posts:
wallypops · 29/03/2015 07:42

This is a particularly sensitive subject for me. I have never told anyone I have herpes immediately. It is immensely stressful to tell partners because of reactions like expats. I have never given it to anyone and manage the condition well. I have had it for nearly 30 years and have a particularly nasty form. I am part of a study group as I use a different form of management with the drugs available. This enables me to almost avoid outbreaks or finish them in about 3 days.
My exh told my then 2 & 3 year old about it when we got divorced. In fact he told any one who would listen I expect. He used it as a stick to beat me with our whole marriage.
Health professionals have told me1 in 3 adults have the herpes virus which sounds about right.
My current partner said so what so do I when I told him. I have never had so few outbreaks as I do with him as he is so relaxed about it so no added stress.
For anyone who doesn't know what it feels like it can vary depending on the person from an annoying itch (Partner) to a cigarette burn type sore (mine).

Greysanderson · 29/03/2015 07:54

I'm with expat, OP if your not comfortable then move on. People can dump a person for any reason they like. Not wanting to take unnecessary risks with your sexual health is certainly not a minor reason.

Chipsahoythere · 29/03/2015 08:13

You can get herpes without an active sore. That's how I got it, I assume. The first time I had sex!

This thread has been interesting though, as I had on the whole sort of forgotten I had it, and as such if I were single I probably wouldn't have told a sexual partner. I haven't had an outbreak in over 5 years now.

I do think that herpes is a relatively minor thing. Friends of mine with facial herpes have more problems and outbreaks than me.

Still I do agree with expat's concept that you are free to dump whoever you choose for whatever you choose.

orangefusion · 29/03/2015 08:18

Wally, I know exactly how you feel, I have no idea from whom or when I got hsv nor do I care. I've had it 30 years also.
I am horrified by sonnyjim's response which shows a total lack of compassion or understanding. I am so glad for you wally to be living well with this skin problem, so am I and I am NOT ASHAMED of it any more than I would be of having shingles.

BitOutOfPractice · 29/03/2015 09:42

The irony of reactions likes exPat's is that there is a very high probability that she has the virus herself. Most people do.

Are you going to dump yourself expat? Whilst expressing revulsion at yourself.?

This thread really does highlight the ignorance three is about herpes out there.

Op read up, get educated and carry on enjoying your relationship

ScrambledEggAndToast · 29/03/2015 09:51

I've got it and shamefully I didn't tell my last partner. He was a virgin and we always used condoms. The reason for me not telling him was when I told my previous partner he hit the roof and made me feel so dirty and disgusting that I was scared to tell my new partner. I haven't had an outbreak in years and recently had an STD test where it was shown that the virus wasn't active. When I find a new partner, the decision as to whether to say anything will come up again and I again won't know what to do for the best :-(

Momagain1 · 29/03/2015 10:07

orangefusion the symptoms are not the same.

If you get type 1 on your genitals, then the symptoms are same-ish and mild.

If you get type 2, the symptoms can be much worse. It is less of a big deal than it once was, as there are treatments now. One is unlikely to suffer repeated, prolonged painful outbreaks resulting in scarring and putting you at risk for other infections /damaging your fertility when your skin/genitals are covered in open sores. But it is still a bigger problem than type 1.

I think some who are down playing it are confusing getting type 1 on genitals, with type 2. Or perhaps think the results of attentive treatment mean people used to be in a panic for nothing. Awareness and treatment make it seem like a minor thing. Without them, it is not.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 29/03/2015 10:08

Scrambled
As far as I know it's not possible to test for herpes - only for antibodies which are only present within a year of infection. You really should tell partners, anyone decent will listen to you and make an informed choice rather than running a mile.
I haven't had a relationship with anyone since splitting from my XH so this hasn't come up yet but I have several friends with type 2 and all are happily settled with decent people who know about the herpes and are fine with it.
It would be far worse to infect someone and for them to find out you lied. And even years down the line that can happen.

FanFuckingTastic · 29/03/2015 10:36

I don't know for sure but from these posts I believe I probably had type one as it was passed mouth to genitals.

I think it's good that you have the chance now to make an informed choice with plenty of anecdotal advice. I would say get some professional advice from GUM clinic too to balance it out.

I get tested before and after most of my sexual relationships, they're pretty good with information and the whole experience is very discreet.

CuriouSir · 29/03/2015 11:05

My and the wife have it. Has never been an issue at all. We just don't have sex on the rare occasions it appears.

jusdepamplemousse · 29/03/2015 11:11

You can definitely catch it from someone without an active flare up, and I know people who have caught type 2 and been regularly seriously, time off work, proper agonising pain ill on a six monthly / yearly basis thereafter. And there's no cure. Absolutely every sympathy for anyone who has it, but I wouldn't expose myself to it for anything less than a major, long term, in love relationship. I am Shock at people who have it and have sex with others without telling them. Scary.

Joysmum · 29/03/2015 11:17

Google is your friend. I was a bit Shock at this thread with both those minimising and the other end of the spectrum too.

Glad I read up as it was very interesting as is my search history thanks to mumsnet

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 29/03/2015 11:35

I guess those of us minimising are going on our own experiences. I have also been very clear that I'm talking about type one.
I know two other women with type 2. They suffer badly when they get it and they had awful flu symptoms when first infected. It's no party. But it's not HIV!

Original poster
creativeme · 29/03/2015 11:39

hi everyone, thank your replies, we are still in contact, the other question he is not sure on is the having children one so before I commit to anything I still need to find out more about him, what he is really looking for in terms of relationships and future, otherwise its not worth me investing my time. I have known him 6 months, but starting seeing him 3 months ago...so only really known him as dating for 3 months, we havent done anything together, he didnt tell me until January time because he was worried about me leaving etc. We are back in contact this weekend and now talking about things...so thats good, we both lost track of communication, to my fault..but this has really thrown me as didnt have a clue about it and very naive to everything too....

OP posts:
noodle8000 · 29/03/2015 11:44

I have it due to a lying ex-bf (my fault for trusting him and I suppose you always take some risk when having sex). I told my husband before we were ever intimate and he said it was ok and loves me anyway and still wanted to be intimate. We have now been married for almost 6 years and he has never had any genital outbreaks although he's always had oral outbreaks before we ever met (most likely caused by a different type). For me the best way to control it has been eating some cheese every day and not having too much beans/oats/legumes etc. As long as I get enough lysine protein vs arginine protein every day I'm ok (if I do eat foods with a higher amount of arginine I just eat even more lysine). I only had to take suppressive medication during my last few weeks of pregnancy just to be sure it wouldn't transfer to my baby and my dr. said it's ok to deliver vaginally so long as there is no current outbreak.

BitOutOfPractice · 29/03/2015 12:55

I don't think anyone is "minimising". But some of us are calling people on their ridiculous OTT reactions

And yes, I agree with Ehric that nost of the non-hysterical and calm responses have come from people who actually have experience of this in their lives

OP sounds like you're going to be sensible, talk it through and do some research before making a knee jerk reaction. Good luck Thanks

orangefusion · 29/03/2015 14:58

I am thinking its time for us HSV to come out. I've noticed that HIV has been "normalised" in so much as it can be, yet herpes HSV stays in the dark with few admitting to carrying it yet many (most) do.

Will anyone be brave enough to come out and go public and get this thing talked about?

Sorry for hijacking op but it really boils my piss to hear some of the judgemental comments, those of us who know we have it are victims of those who passed it to us, but most of us forgive even if we cannot forget. Anyone prepared to stand up with me and get this discussable ?

orangefusion · 30/03/2015 10:14

Anyone?

No, I'm not surprised. I'm too scared to do it alone too.

All the best to my fellow sufferers and to anyone having to come to decisions about loving a partner with HSV.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 30/03/2015 11:15

What are you asking us to do?! I'm not secretive about it but I'm not going to stand up in the office and announce it!

EarlieBirdie · 30/03/2015 11:34

The fact that he told you means a lot. It's a difficult subject to broach, I know from experience because I have it. Caught from an ex long term boyfriend who suffered from cold sores.
It is not an issue for me now and there have been no problems with my partner of 6 years or our two children.
I actually haven't suffered a break out for years despite numerous stressful times!
Don't judge him OP, if you like him, do the research. He shouldn't be made to feel like some sort of leper either way.

siennabale234 · 07/12/2016 15:21

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happychristmasbum · 07/12/2016 15:31

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luckiestgirl · 07/12/2016 15:39

I thought I recognised this thread.

JadeJadeJade · 30/07/2017 09:54

Yo @expatinscotland I just read your reply post from 2015 and got an account just so I could hi give you sister 👌🤘 It seems every woman who has responded to this post has overlooked a very important aspect of genital herpes which is the fact that if a female gets it she can't have a natural vaginal birth, not to mention the fact that this guy had sex with her without telling her everything up front, he took the choice from her, he kept this from her, he lied about this for his own selfish reasons. To be honest upfront would have shown a true strength in character. If we continue to "settle" for this kind of bull shit we are only letting each other down. Women out number men in this world so men can just pick us off like little cherries from a tree... that is until we start to support each other it is NOT ok to withhold sexual health information. It is not OK at all ☝️

lovemycatsanddog · 30/07/2017 11:18

Jade the op has said they have not had sex yet, so i think it was very honest of him to let her know first,a lot of men not not have been so onest and said nothing