Don't know what to do. Any suggestions?

[NotTooBeautiful]

I'm 40, live with my dh of 2 years. We've been together nearly 4 years. He has one child who we have EOW.
The 'problem':
My dh constantly accuses me of having an affair. I mean constantly, he must say 'I know you've got another man' 50+ times a day.
However many times I say I haven't, he won't believe me.
Btw, I haven't got another man, I've never been unfaithful to my husband. I adore him & the thought of doing anything that will split us up makes me feel sick.
I met my dh when I was in a 12 yr relationship, basically I left my partner for my now dh. He had split from his ex recently, they'd been on the rocks for several years, culminating in her arranging for a local thug to beat my husband up. He left after that incident.
(Just saying that to preclude OW questions)
I'm no angel, or rather wasn't Like I say I left my ex for my now dh and before I met dh I'd had a very brief fling with 2 other men. I'm not proud of this but I was very depressed and hated my life, my ex used tk tell me I was fat & ugly (I am) & I'd never get another man. The other men were kind of a two finger salute to him, although he never knew about them!
Dh says I'm beautiful, desirable, that every man wants me. He's so wrong about that. I'm very very overweight (20 stone+), I know I'm not desirable but dh is convinced that all men want me.
He is paranoid, incredibly insecure, I closed my Twitter account soon after meeting him (dh and I met on Twitter but I also met the other 2 men there), I don't have male friends or colleagues on FB, I can't talk about anyone at work without being accused of having affairs.
He's convinced I'm emailing or texting 'someone' he won't tell me who & tbh I don't think he knows himself, he's told me he thinks I'm contacting his colleagues, people I've met once! Sometimes I'll repeat something he told me about his job & he says I must've got the information from his colleagues as he hadn't told me that!
He's accused me of having affairs with work colleagues, I left one job partly because he just would not believe that I wasn't shagging a man I worked with.
He keeps telling me that he knows I'm up to something and all he has to do is find that one little piece of evidence & he'll be proven right & I'll be out on my ear.
But he will never find any evidence because I'm not doing anything.
He was a big weed smoker in his youth & still takes cocaine occasionally now. I think the drugs don't help with the paranoia & forgetfulness.
His ex cheated on him & lied - still lies all the time.
He reckons if I cheated on my ex I'll cheat on him. But I won't, I couldnt. I love him so much.
What can I do? Please don't say LTB. I can't do that. I adore him.

Would counseling help us?

What can I do? Please don't say LTB. I can't do that.

Then all you can do is stay in this relationship, and wait until you hit your own personal rock bottom, in terms of the behaviour you are willing to tolerate in a partner.

YOU can't do anything, this problem is all his.

Counselling might help him, but first he needs to admit that he is the one with the problem and he is the one that needs help. Can't see that happening any time soon from what you have described.

Jeremy Kyle lie detector maybe. Shrugs

If you LTB he will only be convinced you have left him for someone else and he was right all along.........

While you're doing that, you could also more positively work on boosting your own self-esteem.

Who are the people who make you feel truly relaxed and happy? Spend more time with them.
What activities are you good at, or give you deep joy? Do more of those.
What goals do you have you could work towards - such as a skill you've always wanted to learn (learn it!) or a place you've always wanted to visit (save up and visit!)
Do you have issues lurking in your soul that make you feel ill at ease in yourself? Treat yourself to a therapist!

You're unhappy, clearly, so doing the above will help boost your own personal positive feelings.

Him, you can't do much about, since his actions are in his own hands only.

So in order to be a little bit happier, focus on doing the things that make you happy.

You might adore him, but in the name of all that's holy, why?

Paranoid, controlling, praise enough to keep you on the leash and spite enough to keep your self esteem in your boots.

The man's an arse.

If you can't leave him then it's time to start welcoming the idea of putting up with this crap for the rest of your life.

Howzat??

He needs some professional help I think, this is just crazy to be this paranoid, your life must be hell! I won't say leave the bastard but maybe he needs a kick up the arse you can not carry on like this, cause you will get sick one day and walk, it's not normal.
Can you even go to a pub together without getting accused?
Have you tried leaving to see if it wakes him up?
And no drugs will certainly be making him worse!

Goats I know. But I just love him so much. I'm aware how pathetic that sounds.
Yam I've suggested a lie detector! But I just couldn't go on Telly! I'd happily do one elsewhere though. Trouble is, either he'd just say I'd managed to cheat the machine or he'd think that even though I hadn't cheated up to that point, I'd do it after the test.

I know he checks my phone. I don't care, there's nothing incriminating on there. I've even told him to install one of those secret apps that log every email & text etc that comes & goes from the phone. He just said I must have another phone.
Every sensible suggestion I make is met by more idiocy.
He drinks too much. Says he's very stressed at work & with his ex & the way she treats his child. So he drinks. And then becomes more belligerent and tells me in no uncertain terms that he knows what I'm up to & he will catch me.
What the fuck am I supposed to say? I've told him a million times that I am not interested in anyone else. But he just won't believe it. He says 'but you're too beautiful for me' you must have someone else. Complete shite! I'm a fat ugly munter. But even if I were a bloody supermodel that doesn't mean I'm cheating!!

I'd be wondering if he was seeing someone on the side, and having some kind of weird frenzy of accusing you to somehow make himself feel better.

The "but you're too beautiful for me" line stinks to high heaven. He doesn't think that. What he thinks is that if he keeps on at you for long enough, eventually he'll have you jumping through hoops for him in an effort to make him "believe" that you're faithful.

You are being emotionally manipulated. He doesn't sound like a nice man.

cauliflower. No, we rarely go out now. When we used to he would accuse me of staring at men the whole night. It's like he'd find a man in the pub & decide I was looking at him all night. I'm a nosy bugger & I love people watching but I certainly don't stare at men, or anyone!
If we go out now I make sure I sit facing the wall or a table of women.

Writing it all down makes him sound awful. I do know that. He's not awful. He's paranoid, insecure, probably depressed.
But he won't go to the doctors.

Every sensible suggestion I make is met by more idiocy.

Well, there you go. There IS nothing you can do or say to change him.

So, either accept his creepy, invasive, manipulative paranoia as part of your life.

Or don't accept him into your life.

Because this is who he is.

sparing if I knew what hoops he wanted me to jump through I'd bloody jump. But I don't know what he wants. I tell him evey single day that I'm not seeing / contacting anyone else. I don't know how I can prove it to him.

And have you ever wondered why his ex might have sent some men round to beat him up?

He's as paranoid as fuck and this will NOT end well. He sounds like someone who targeted you because he sensed low self esteem and someone who would be easy to control and now he's taking you apart mentally, bit by bit, one day at a time.

Writing it all down makes him sound awful. I do know that. He's not awful. He's paranoid, insecure, probably depressed.

It sounds awful because it IS awful.

You have given up a job and a social life because of him. You even make sure you sit facing the wall so he cant accuse you! You walk on eggshells, you give up all and any privacy you ever had.

Has any of that actually worked? Has you facing the wall stopped him accusing you? Has him totally invading your privacy stopped him accusing you?

No.

And why is that? BECAUSE HE DOESNT WANT TO BELIEVE YOU AND THEREFORE HE NEVER EVER WILL. You could spend the rest of your life handcuffed to him, never spending a second away from him and he would still find a reason to accuse you.

FFS dont stay with him out of some perverse need to prove that it was worth ending your marriage for. Your marriage was shit, you ended it, happens all the time, you dont need to justify that decision by staying married to someone who hates you. And yes, he does hate you, he hates all women.

You can't prove it to him, all you'll do is spend years changing everything about yourself and your behaviour in a fruitless attempt to get him to be nice to you.

You're being abused

Oh and regarding "probably depressed" no he isnt.

Mental illness and the behaviour it causes can not be helped, dont try and excuse his deliberate terrorising of you in that way.

He is choosing to do this, he wants to do this, he has no intention of stopping doing this.

You may love him, but no one who truly loved someone else would treat them like he is treating you. He doesnt love you, he just wants to control you utterly and completely. Every time you jump through a hoop he will conjure up another one.

Engine she's awful. That's not just his opinion, she really is a terrible narcissistic person, she thought the grass was greener but it wasn't. She was having an affair with her boss & it was him who beat dh up.
My mil has confirmed all this. It's not just dh's story.
Thing is, dh and mil both admit that dh was very different when he was with his ex. He trusted her completely & she abused that trust. She used to vanish for days on end & then come back & say she's been working and my idiot dh believed her. Again, mil confirms all this.
I adore my dh. When he's not accusing me of all sorts he's wonderful, caring, generous, kind, funny, loving.
He says that his ex 'broke' him & he can never trust anyone again. But he won't even try.

if I knew what hoops he wanted me to jump through I'd bloody jump.

You do know, you're jumping through them splendidly: averting your eyes in public, begging with him, accepting his control (eg. him checking your phone). But what you haven't realised is that the hoops never end. There is no end, and no reward of an appeased husband. Only more hoops.

But I don't know what he wants.

To keep you on the back foot. Unhappy, and chasing around to please him. Manipulable. Dominated.

I don't know how I can prove it to him.

You can't. There is no magic bullet. You've tried them all already.

Well he might be, but that's not really the point. Depression doesn't give you carte blanche to make someone else's life unbearable.

Who told the MIl? Your ex?

My exMIL will believe anything her lying toe rag son tells her.... Some people are like that

You will NEVER be able to do enough to make him believe you.

It is NOT IN YOUR POWER TO REASSURE HIM enough that he will stop.

If in calmer moments he has enough insight to realise HE has got a problem, then ask him to go to counselling. Don't get your hopes up though.

And I don't mean to sound unkind but I think you need to go to (on your own). You honestly come across like a moth throwing yourself an a hot lightbulb. He is tormented and horrible to you, and you abase yourself to him all the more. Stop and ask why you do that. Does it do him or you any good at all?

Make sure you keep in touch with friends, family and colleagues. If he becomes dangerous to you, you will need somewhere to go.

He says that [...] he can never trust anyone again.

Believe him.

Look, he's telling you where he stands.
It's a bit unrealistic of you not to listen to the words coming out of his mouth. He's telling you who he is. Listen to him.

Everyone is saying he's abusing me. Wants me unhappy. Why would he do that? He says he loves me. Tells me constantly- and I tell him. We are good together sometimes. He just can't get over his fucking paranoia.
I'm aware how pathetic I sound. I'm sorry.

This is why affairs never end well-you've form for cheating, so whilst you might not be now, you have in the past, and he obviously can't move past it.