Don't know what to do. Any suggestions?

[NotTooBeautiful]

I'm 40, live with my dh of 2 years. We've been together nearly 4 years. He has one child who we have EOW.
The 'problem':
My dh constantly accuses me of having an affair. I mean constantly, he must say 'I know you've got another man' 50+ times a day.
However many times I say I haven't, he won't believe me.
Btw, I haven't got another man, I've never been unfaithful to my husband. I adore him & the thought of doing anything that will split us up makes me feel sick.
I met my dh when I was in a 12 yr relationship, basically I left my partner for my now dh. He had split from his ex recently, they'd been on the rocks for several years, culminating in her arranging for a local thug to beat my husband up. He left after that incident.
(Just saying that to preclude OW questions)
I'm no angel, or rather wasn't Like I say I left my ex for my now dh and before I met dh I'd had a very brief fling with 2 other men. I'm not proud of this but I was very depressed and hated my life, my ex used tk tell me I was fat & ugly (I am) & I'd never get another man. The other men were kind of a two finger salute to him, although he never knew about them!
Dh says I'm beautiful, desirable, that every man wants me. He's so wrong about that. I'm very very overweight (20 stone+), I know I'm not desirable but dh is convinced that all men want me.
He is paranoid, incredibly insecure, I closed my Twitter account soon after meeting him (dh and I met on Twitter but I also met the other 2 men there), I don't have male friends or colleagues on FB, I can't talk about anyone at work without being accused of having affairs.
He's convinced I'm emailing or texting 'someone' he won't tell me who & tbh I don't think he knows himself, he's told me he thinks I'm contacting his colleagues, people I've met once! Sometimes I'll repeat something he told me about his job & he says I must've got the information from his colleagues as he hadn't told me that!
He's accused me of having affairs with work colleagues, I left one job partly because he just would not believe that I wasn't shagging a man I worked with.
He keeps telling me that he knows I'm up to something and all he has to do is find that one little piece of evidence & he'll be proven right & I'll be out on my ear.
But he will never find any evidence because I'm not doing anything.
He was a big weed smoker in his youth & still takes cocaine occasionally now. I think the drugs don't help with the paranoia & forgetfulness.
His ex cheated on him & lied - still lies all the time.
He reckons if I cheated on my ex I'll cheat on him. But I won't, I couldnt. I love him so much.
What can I do? Please don't say LTB. I can't do that. I adore him.

Would counseling help us?

Devils thank you for that post. Tbh the lady I called was the nearest person to me, I got her from Google! I hadn't thought of asking my gp but I definitely will.
Dh knows he has a problem, and he says he hates it. But it seems that he's too weak to sort it himself. It's like he gets in a loop of winding himself up & then leaping on any tiny thing that happens and presenting it as 'evidence' that I'm cheating. His current one is telling me things about his work and then when I mention those things days or weeks later, saying he never told me that & so that 'proves' I'm talking to his colleagues, otherwise I couldn't possibly know those things.
Absolute madness.

It's such an unhealthy relationship. You won't leave it and he won't/can't change.

So, this is your life. It will go on like this for ever. Can you bear that?

I don't know. But I'm going to try to change it, not alone. He knows he's behaving badly, he wants to change,
We both need to work on it. If, after that it's still not working then we will need to split, but I will do everything in my power to stop that.

His current one is telling me things about his work and then when I mention those things days or weeks later, saying he never told me that & so that 'proves' I'm talking to his colleagues, otherwise I couldn't possibly know those things.

This is Gaslighting a very effective and well known form of emotional abuse.

OK, so he knows he suffers from paranoid delusions and he wants to change, but refuses medical treatment.

You say you want to help him.

In the past he has told you that when he is in the grip of a delusion, you can help him by saying "stop being a cunt".

However you refuse to do this and instead show submissive behaviour which inflames his delusions even more.

Why?

(All the above aside, it's not your job to fix this man. If he's unwilling to change, and you're unwilling to leave, please for the love of god get sterilised because the last thing you want (I hope) is to bring children up in this kind of poisonous, deeply unwell atmosphere.

Also counselling will probably be a washout. if it's a male counsellor, you'll be accused of banging him. If it's a woman, you'll be accused of getting her on side so she can "cover up" for you. This man needs serious psychiatric treatment, not someone to nod sagely while he talks about his fee-fees.)

That really does sound like gaslighting :(

So. Can you accept that you cannot change him? That's not to say that he may not change, but there is nothing you can do to make it happen.

What you can do is work on you. You have poor boundaries and let someone who is supposed to love you, insult you daily. You don't think much of yourself. I think you carry a lot of guilt about what you did in past relationships and perhaps even see this as some form of just punishment (it isn't!).

You need to help yourself. To do that you need to build self esteem and boundaries. Counselling is the way to go. Having someone listen to you, help you work through past issues and future strategies can be incredible.

You are worth helping! You are worth more than this! If my husband told be 10 times a day that he loved me, and once a day called me an untrustworthy cheat, he would not be loving and caring. He would be cruel. The 10 times doesn't cancel out the act of nastiness. I really hope things get better for you.

Re the gaslighting. I really truly believe that he thinks he hasn't told me those things, he's not using it as a way to confuse or upset me. He's incredibly forgetful anyway, years of drug use will do that, I genuinely think he believes he hasn't told me stuff & so, to him, when I know things it's because other people have told me.
Yes, I need to work on me. I need to stand up to him more, like I said, last night I was buoyed up by this thread & stopped him the first time he 'started', he backed down a bit & didn't continue. I know this is the way I must behave in future.
I mentioned cocaine use before. He does a small amount about once every 3 weeks, and during that evening he's the nicest person ever, zero accusations, fussing round me, insisting on making me drinks, food, etc, running me a bath, complete with candles. Not that he doesn't do those things at other times, he does, but it's almost OTT when he had a line of coke.
I've talked to him while he's on it, asked him if he really truly believes I have another man and he said he doesn't believe it. He knows I love him & don't want anyone else. So why can't he believe that when he's not had it?
I hate him using drugs but he's much nicer when he does! And no, I definitely won't be having children. I've never wanted them and I'm way too old now anyway.

Op When he says he loves you do you reply you don't love me because you don't trust me?

Sorry I don't think he does love you, he just wants to "own" you. I all sounds deeply unhealthy to me.

Very I have replied "I don't understand how you can say you love me but not trust me, I couldnt love someone I don't trust", he just says that he doesn't trust anyone but that he adores me even though I'm "too beautiful for him" (which is utter bollocks, no one is 'too beautiful' to be in a relationship, certainly not me)
I don't know about him wanting to own me. I feel bad because I'm poo-pooing everyone's helpful suggestions & saying 'oh no, that's not right', if I was reading this thread about someone else I'd probably be shaking my head & tutting. But I do know him, I know he loves me. He's just (just!!) fucked up in the head.

Even if he does "love" you, so what? You know that love doesn't conquer all, right?

Yes. I know that. But it's a good place to start isn't it?

Mutual respect and trust is a better place to start...

Yes, I agree. But at the moment he doesn't trust me. I'm not going to walk away yet. I originally asked if people thought counseling would help, I've had lots and varied opinions on that, one thing most people agree on is that I need to sort myself out & try to be more assertive, and I certainly will try that.

Look Op , if he really thought you were cheating he would have fucked off a long time ago.