Don't know what to do. Any suggestions?

[NotTooBeautiful]

I'm 40, live with my dh of 2 years. We've been together nearly 4 years. He has one child who we have EOW.
The 'problem':
My dh constantly accuses me of having an affair. I mean constantly, he must say 'I know you've got another man' 50+ times a day.
However many times I say I haven't, he won't believe me.
Btw, I haven't got another man, I've never been unfaithful to my husband. I adore him & the thought of doing anything that will split us up makes me feel sick.
I met my dh when I was in a 12 yr relationship, basically I left my partner for my now dh. He had split from his ex recently, they'd been on the rocks for several years, culminating in her arranging for a local thug to beat my husband up. He left after that incident.
(Just saying that to preclude OW questions)
I'm no angel, or rather wasn't Like I say I left my ex for my now dh and before I met dh I'd had a very brief fling with 2 other men. I'm not proud of this but I was very depressed and hated my life, my ex used tk tell me I was fat & ugly (I am) & I'd never get another man. The other men were kind of a two finger salute to him, although he never knew about them!
Dh says I'm beautiful, desirable, that every man wants me. He's so wrong about that. I'm very very overweight (20 stone+), I know I'm not desirable but dh is convinced that all men want me.
He is paranoid, incredibly insecure, I closed my Twitter account soon after meeting him (dh and I met on Twitter but I also met the other 2 men there), I don't have male friends or colleagues on FB, I can't talk about anyone at work without being accused of having affairs.
He's convinced I'm emailing or texting 'someone' he won't tell me who & tbh I don't think he knows himself, he's told me he thinks I'm contacting his colleagues, people I've met once! Sometimes I'll repeat something he told me about his job & he says I must've got the information from his colleagues as he hadn't told me that!
He's accused me of having affairs with work colleagues, I left one job partly because he just would not believe that I wasn't shagging a man I worked with.
He keeps telling me that he knows I'm up to something and all he has to do is find that one little piece of evidence & he'll be proven right & I'll be out on my ear.
But he will never find any evidence because I'm not doing anything.
He was a big weed smoker in his youth & still takes cocaine occasionally now. I think the drugs don't help with the paranoia & forgetfulness.
His ex cheated on him & lied - still lies all the time.
He reckons if I cheated on my ex I'll cheat on him. But I won't, I couldnt. I love him so much.
What can I do? Please don't say LTB. I can't do that. I adore him.

Would counseling help us?

Both of you have problems - he for having this obsession and you for allowing yourself to be treated in this way. You are doing him no kindness allowing him to act this way. What if actually allowing him to carry on like this is making it worse for him? You say that you can't live without him but ask yourself what this is like for him. The sad thing is that you both sound like you're miserable over absolutely nothing. Also, you both clearly love each other - but the way things are going seems likely to end things between you eventually. You've come on here hoping to get advice that will enable you to change him or help him to change. Yet you have a good grasp of how impossible it is to talk him down or take steps to convince him of your fidelity. You're aware, really, that there's nothing we can do but point out how dysfunctional it all is. My concern would be for your safety, if not now, then later. Obviously there's a problem between the two of you, but I think it wouldn't work to go to a relationship counsellor because it's very easy to feel that two people in that triangle are 'in league', which wouldn't help you. What about him going to see someone on his own? If he won't or can't, then you do need to accept that this situation can't go on indefinitely. It's abusive towards you, for a start. I'm sorry but I would prepare yourself for some hard times

MrsDeVere he didn't know I'd emailed a counsellor, I told him ages before I actually did it that I thought we needed to see someone & he agreed. He'll happily (well not happily, but you know what I mean) admit that he's paranoid & he says he's happy to see someone.
I asked if he'd tell the whole truth to a counselor, the drugs etc & he said he would. I believe that he would. I just wonder how much good it would do

I wondered that about a counsellor too saturn. I suppose I want someone to tell him what a tit he's being, but all that will achieve is him feeling ganged up on.

the sad thing is that you both sound like you're miserable over absolutely nothing

^^
This. X a million.

I'm going to talk about seeing someone again tonight. It can't hurt.

Going to a counsellor expecting them to take your side and tell your other half exactly where he's going wrong is never, ever a sensible option.

Go to counselling because you are BOTH openminded and clear about what you want to achieve.

Maybe he's the one cheating.

That's what I have to remind myself. We clearly both need help. Not just him.

Where have you got the impression I am angry ?

I am sad that I cannot see one teasin to stay in a relationship with a man like this

you can't fix him...It is folly to think you can

you can't "love him better"

he is broken and only he can fix that

if he needs your constant forelock tugging and ridiculous denials to feed his shattered self esteem, there is not one other person in the whole world that can address that other than him

does he want to though....despite his pathetic self deprecation

actions not words are the key here and the only thing you can do is get away from him if you want a normal life

*reason

joint counselling not recommended here

Counselors do NOT tell the people in front of them that they are being tits. Ever.

Couples counselors do NOT adjudicate in couples' disputes. Ever.

Why do you think you need to refer to an "authority" to back you up? Shouldn't a loving husband care enough already when his wife tells him she is upset by his behaviour?

In my experience (2 relationship counsellors, Relate-trained) they are not too quick to identify abusive behaviour if it's not physical, i.e. Issues of power and control, so the op may find that's it is all dealt with as a disagreement. I hope otherwise for her sake. I would welcome insight from any relationship counsellors reading this thread!

Aren't you just bone crushingly bored with this?

He tells you 50 times a day that you're unfaithful? Oh jesus, I couldn't be doing with being told that once a day. In fact, if I'd won the lottery and someone reminded me 50 times a day, I'd be fed up!

Does he tell you he loves you 50 times a day, too?

Do you and he ever talk about anything normal, without a bout of paranoia breaking out? Can you watch something on TV with a good looking bloke in it without him saying something? If a friend of his calls round to see him, does he always say you must fancy him?

I would be very scared with this level of paranoia. And bored witless.

He is telling you that you have another man every 15 minutes?

Siblingrivalry has it right.

You have a history of cheating and he can't trust you. I'm not even sure if he knows about the other two men you cheated with when you were with your ex. However, you cheated with him and left your ex for him.

Furthermore, his past with his ex cheating on him makes him less trustworthy of you. He's been burned once too deeply.

Your relationship will always lack trust because of your shared past coupled with his own experience. He needs to see a therapist on his own to deal with his trust issues before any couples counseling.

My mother was in a relationship with a man like this for a few years. His ex had left him and run away with his DD while he was at work, no warning, just left a note and he couldn't find them at all for months. He never got over it. My mum thought the trauma of that was the reason he was so paranoid and needy and controlling. she thought she could love him better.

But over the years she started to understand why his ex might have felt the need to run away without warning, that perhaps he'd always been paranoid and needy and controlling to the point where the only way his ex could get her life back was to literally run for her life and go into hiding.

My mum left in the end. He resented her going anywhere at all without him and would bombard her with questions about why she needed to go out. He would also come home from work and go around the house looking for signs that someone had been there. He'd check the number of cups or glasses in the sink or draining board and if there was more than one he'd demand to know who had been there with her.

That is no way to live, is it?

No not isn't any way to live.
He does know about the other two men, I told him right at the beginning of our relationship. He often says he wishes I hadn't told him but unfortunately I lack the ability to turn back time.
Yes, some days he does tell me / ask me if I've got another man every 15 minutes. He tells me he loves me even more often though.
Oddly, last night, he was a bit 'better', I don't know if I was giving off 'don't piss me off' vibes when he got home but although he 'joked' about me fancying other blokes - a hugely unfunny and not true 'joke' but honestly meant as amusement nonetheless, he wasn't nasty in any way & when I told him to stop he did. I could see he was winding himself up so I said it had to stop. He stopped. But sometimes he won't.
I'm not defending him at all but I know the accusations tend to get worse when other parts of his life are very stressful. His ex stresses us massively, her treatment of his child is sometimes not good, the child is in no danger & in my opinion is just fine but my dh has a lot of guilt about what he perceives as him leaving the child and when the mother is neglectful, not in a damaging way but she goes out a lot & leaves the child at grandparents etc, doesn't do homework or reading, doesn't really engage with the child at all, that stresses him and he gets 'worse'. Work is also very stressful at times and then, again, he seems to get himself into a paranoid loop that he can't get out of. Again, I'm not excusing him. Just stating facts.
I do adore this man and my life is nowhere near as bad as it seems from my first posts. I will continue to try to stand up for myself more, several people here have made me realize that constantly begging him to believe me & apologising doesn't help. I need to just keep telling him to stop being ridiculous.
Thank you so much, everyone who's commented.

Imperial yes, we can, and do, speak normally without accusations and when a good looking bloke is on tv he might say 'oooh, do you fancy him?' But no more. He knows I have a soft spot for George Clooney & Idris Elba & he teases me about that but not in a nasty way at all. But yes, if a friend came round, he would say I fancied him. If we talk about any of his friends he always says 'gets your hands off him!' It's become a catchphrase of his. (Along with many others such as 'you know your other man?', 'you're too beautiful for me', 'all I need is that last piece of evidence' and many many more.
It's like he's two people, the lovely, kind, funny, caring man I fell in love with and a paranoid, distrustful idiot.

Look, if you are quite clear in your mind that he is not using this as a way to emotionally abuse and control you and you are quite sure that he is kind and well balanced in all other ways then it is possible that he is suffering from some sort of extreme anxiety condition, or a mental health issue.

Either way, it can't be your problem to solve, it has to be his. He needs to stop this, and if he finds he can't then he needs to seek urgent professional help. If he is not prepared to do that for you then his grandiose claims to love you so much are hollow and worthless, and he IS being abusive all the while he persists in making you stressed and unhappy.

Whether his intentions are sinister or not, he cannot expect you to tolerate living in this atmosphere. You need to tell him straight that it stops, or you walk. And you need to mean it.

Thank you EngineDriver. You make a lot of sense.

I can see what he gets out of it.

When he accuses you your usual response is to tell him how much you love him and how he's the only one for you.

When he accuses you in a specific place you change your behaviour to reassure him that he is your whole world.

When he worries about people at your work, you change your entire job to try to reassure him.

So everytime he says these things, he gets a huge ego boost from you. Everytime he is nasty to you, you are extra nice back to him.

My advice is to LTB, but if you won't, then you need to stop giving him any positive reinforcement whatsoever. I couldn't be bothered with this, I think you could easily find you go to a lot of effort and he just finds another way to undermine you and hurt you. But if you want him to stop this specific behaviour then you need to:-

1. Stop reassuring him when he says anything that implies you are cheating. Ideally, roll your eyes, give him a sarcastic, "yes that's right" and walk away. Do not tell him you love him and he's the only one for you. Tell him you're bored of this and walk away.

1. If you're in a public place and he accuses you of looking at someone, do not move. Face the room. Tell him again you are bored by his behaviour and he needs to stop. Do not reassure him.

1. Go out without him and when he accuses you of cheating tell him that he must leave you if that is who he thinks you are. Do not reassure him.

1. When he checks your phone ask him why he's bothering if he's so sure you have another. Do not offer to have a tracking app put on it or anything else to appease him.

Basically stop changing your behaviour to try to appease him. Do what you would do if he wasn't there and do not reward him for behaving badly. Tell him you are bored. Don't engage. Don't reassure. He will say, "that proves it!" You will say, "don't care".

But I really think that you do not have to work this hard at a healthy relationship.

Hi OP,

This sounds exhausting for you!
I have had quite a lot of professional al and personal experience of working with domestic abuse. Fwiw I don't feel that this is a typical 'abusive male' situation.

There are clear factors in his history that contribute to his thoughts which lead to his actions against you... Horrid for all!

I see his willingness to get help as positive. The fact that he seems to really hate what is happening. This is good too.

However, I think you need to treat very carefully over who you access for help. An unhelpful therapist could really derail this.

This level of sexual jealousy is way beyond what could be realistically expected to be resolved with a few counselling sessions, with a generic counsellor. I would ask your GP for any recommendations for someone who specialises in these sort of difficulties wrt to extreme jealousy. May be worth finding someone with experience in forensic psychology - not that either of you are criminals(!) - these people have a lot of knowledge and experience in working with people with extreme jealousy /anger issues.

Good luck!

Chris I do sometimes do some of those things, and they do tend to work if he hasn't wound himself up too much. I do go out in my own, not often, but that's my choice, I truly am happier at home.
I think you, and many others on this thread have made me realize that I need to stand up for myself more.
I agree that a relationship shouldn't be this hard but I know that I love him and he loves me and I want our relationship to improve.
Hopefully it can.