Don't know what to do. Any suggestions?

[NotTooBeautiful]

I'm 40, live with my dh of 2 years. We've been together nearly 4 years. He has one child who we have EOW.
The 'problem':
My dh constantly accuses me of having an affair. I mean constantly, he must say 'I know you've got another man' 50+ times a day.
However many times I say I haven't, he won't believe me.
Btw, I haven't got another man, I've never been unfaithful to my husband. I adore him & the thought of doing anything that will split us up makes me feel sick.
I met my dh when I was in a 12 yr relationship, basically I left my partner for my now dh. He had split from his ex recently, they'd been on the rocks for several years, culminating in her arranging for a local thug to beat my husband up. He left after that incident.
(Just saying that to preclude OW questions)
I'm no angel, or rather wasn't Like I say I left my ex for my now dh and before I met dh I'd had a very brief fling with 2 other men. I'm not proud of this but I was very depressed and hated my life, my ex used tk tell me I was fat & ugly (I am) & I'd never get another man. The other men were kind of a two finger salute to him, although he never knew about them!
Dh says I'm beautiful, desirable, that every man wants me. He's so wrong about that. I'm very very overweight (20 stone+), I know I'm not desirable but dh is convinced that all men want me.
He is paranoid, incredibly insecure, I closed my Twitter account soon after meeting him (dh and I met on Twitter but I also met the other 2 men there), I don't have male friends or colleagues on FB, I can't talk about anyone at work without being accused of having affairs.
He's convinced I'm emailing or texting 'someone' he won't tell me who & tbh I don't think he knows himself, he's told me he thinks I'm contacting his colleagues, people I've met once! Sometimes I'll repeat something he told me about his job & he says I must've got the information from his colleagues as he hadn't told me that!
He's accused me of having affairs with work colleagues, I left one job partly because he just would not believe that I wasn't shagging a man I worked with.
He keeps telling me that he knows I'm up to something and all he has to do is find that one little piece of evidence & he'll be proven right & I'll be out on my ear.
But he will never find any evidence because I'm not doing anything.
He was a big weed smoker in his youth & still takes cocaine occasionally now. I think the drugs don't help with the paranoia & forgetfulness.
His ex cheated on him & lied - still lies all the time.
He reckons if I cheated on my ex I'll cheat on him. But I won't, I couldnt. I love him so much.
What can I do? Please don't say LTB. I can't do that. I adore him.

Would counseling help us?

if I knew what hoops he wanted me to jump through I'd bloody jump.

You do know, you're jumping through them splendidly: averting your eyes in public, begging with him, accepting his control (eg. him checking your phone). But what you haven't realised is that the hoops never end. There is no end, and no reward of an appeased husband. Only more hoops.

^^

This

"We are good together sometimes"

Oh god, the saddest line I've read on here for quite some time.

That "sometimes" is damning isn't it?

"He can't get over his paranoia"

"He can't ever trust again"

You have your answers in front of you, so why are you closing your eyes to them?

I do keep in contact with family, friends etc. I have a job.
No worries about being cut off from people.
sparing I'm a little confused by your question? Who told mil what? Mil still sees my dh's ex wife most days because mil picks my stepchild up from school. Mil is still pretty involved in the ex's life.
Dh was beaten up by his wife's boss, a man he'd seen a picture of & who has an unusual name, he knew who he was. Ex wife denies it but in such a shifty way that it's obvious she's lying. Sadly dh drooped the charges because he's no fan of the police. Idiot.

Yes siblingrivalry has bluntly hit the nail on the head there. I hate myself for cheating but I did it and I can't change it.
All I want is for him to realize that I'm NOT going to do it again. But he can't.

He could if he wanted. People who love you don't upset you constantly and on purpose. They want you to be happy and secure. Your husband wants you beholden to him and grateful he had taken you on.

Look you have 2 options.

One, accept that this is how your life is always going to be as long as you are with him, and buy yourself some new hoop jumping trainers as you will be doing it for the rest of your life.

Two, accept that no matter what you say and do, he will never ever believe you so you cut your losses and leave.

It really is that simple. There is NOTHING you can do to get him to believe or trust you, nothing at all. So either accept that this is your life or leave.

So no one thinks counseling could help? He has said he'll go & I did contact someone a while ago but then things got better for a while so I didn't go through with booking her (dh didn't know id contacted her so he wasn't behaving well to stop me booking it)

Look, you can try it, why not?

If it gives you some clarity on the situation, maybe brings home a few truths, then sure....

Just go into it knowing that you don't have to be with this man. It's not this relationship, or nothing.

Beautiful my ex was (amongst other things) v v jealous and always assuming I was cheating, so i know how draining and annoying it is.

If you really love him and aren't settling for him because you dont believe you're worth more, then I think you need to try to think objectively about if you can put up with this for 40 more years (if he cant change). List out his good points (hopefully there are many) and his bad (hopefully few), and think carefully if this relationship is right for you both.

You sound like you have a good relationship with MIL (unless I skipped over something?) so is there anyway she can help, assuming he trusts her?

Counselling and stopping the drugs could both do wonders for him, but he'd need to agree to both, which currently seems unlikely (now I think about it my jealous ex was a bit of a druggie too).

Perhaps the two of you going out together more / sharing a hobby or interest could bring you closer together and help him see you for the lovely person you are?

Best of luck x

I am not going to advise you to leave him, as you clearly don't want to, but please, please stop trying to reassure and placate him. Dare I say it, you are enabling his bad behaviour, whatever the cause. Please tell yourself - it's his problem, not mine. It really is. In a healthy relationship it wouldn't matter if you looked at another guy once in a while in the pub (as long as it wasn't a habit) there would be enough respect and trust between you to withstand it. Please nurture yourself, make yourself stronger and stop playing along with him. If his bad behaviour escalates as a result, that will tell you some home truths. On the other hand, he might just back off. Either way, you need to stop indulging him.

I wish you all the very best- you're in a tough situation

if you won't at least consider leaving this abusive, controlling and dangerous man then I can think of nothing more to say to you

Ask him one more time and if he says yes, then get a counsellor quick smart. I wouldn't be optimistic but I would see it as the only thing that has any chance of working.

You have to remember though that this isn't a problem for him. He's happy in his paranoid self-righteousness. It confirms everything he thinks he knows about the world. So it's only you who needs change, which is why so many people have said that it's no good and you should walk away.

5hell thank you for that post. I do really love him. I'm not 'settling'. I often say I didn't know what proper love was before I met him, he's the only man I wanted to marry despite being in 2 LTRs before.
I do have a good relationship with my mil and I've told her a little bit of what he's like - not about the drugs but I've told her that he constantly accuses me of having an affair. She just said 'but that's ridiculous, anyone can see how much you love him, you'd never do that!'
Yes, exactly!
I think I will try again with the counseling.
I'm not as unhappy as many people here think, his accusations upset me, mainly because they're so fucking preposterous. But I do love him, very much, and I believe he loves me. I don't think he wants to be the way he is. Maybe he's too weak to change.
I'm not making excuses for him. He's an idiot but id rather try to help him to stop being an idiot that walk away from him.
It's hard to explain. I don't feel like I'm being abused or downtrodden. But maybe you don't realize it when you are.
But I won't leave.
Not without trying every other avenue.
Thank you so much to everyone who's taken the time to reply on this thread.

Nottoobeautiful have you heard of Othello syndrome? blogs.plos.org/neuroanthropology/2012/10/17/othello-synrome-denial-and-delusion/

I'd strongly suggest you both look into some counselling. He sounds as though he needs to see a psychiatrist.

It sounds exhausting for you, you poor thing.

To be accused of having an affair is dreadful as its saying you must have the morals of an alley cat.

I would be saying to DH - you either stop this right now or else.

I have tried 'fighting back' in lucid moments he apologises, tells me he hates feeling the way he does. I asked him what I should say when he 'gets silly'. He said I should tell him to stop being a cunt. So I did. And sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn't. But I forget. It's hard to just say 'oh fuck off, stop being a cunt', I tend to cry & tell him over & over how much I love him & how id never do anything to split us up. I need to remember to be more assertive.
AF I'm sorry I've angered you. He isn't dangerous, really, I've never felt threatened for one second. He is paranoid and controlling, but I want to help him stop that. Not leave him because of it.
I don't believe he's happy being paranoid, weak and unable to stop maybe but not happy.

Exactly. He's basically saying he thinks you're a slut. Why would you be with a man like that?

You can't help him change, Beautiful. That's an example of co-dependent behaviour and thinking. You can focus on yourself and stop enabling him. Yes, offer counselling by all means. You really need some for yourself tho- your head has been really messed up by all his controlling, whether he means it or not, it has had a really damaging effect on you.

CMOT than you so much for that. I will investigate further. Very interesting.

You don't need to apologise. In fact, I'd say you do far too much apologising!

I thought AFs post was quite rude actually.

Ask him why he thinks you - both of you. - need counselling. Make him say what is wrong. Make him admit what the problem is. Mumsnet will still be here in five years when your trainers have worn out. And he isn't getting silly he is seeing how much shit you will put up with.

I do apologise far too much. in every aspect of my life. I annoy myself with it!
I have (had) very low self esteem, like I said, I'm very fat, always have been & that makes me feel like I'm not worth worrying about.
Stupid thing is, since I met DH I've had far more self esteem, felt far far better about myself than I ever have before. He makes me feel like I am a valid person, not just a fat mess.
And that is one of the many many reasons why I don't just want to walk away. Our relationship could be so good.