Would you respond to this letter??

[inmyshoos]

After years of difficult relationship with in laws we have been nc for oast 6 mnths. Mil has been ringing from withheld number leaving arsey tone messages always asking 'could you ring me back'.

Fil just sent a letter. Dh thinks maybe reply. I am not sure. History being that mil and I had a very honest chat and i told her we wanted to be part of their big happy family (they have another son and practically raise his two dc yet rarely even phone us and our 3 dc) Mil told me she hardly knows my dh anymore as he left home so long ago (at 24?! He is 40 now) and that my sil is lovely and easy and very thoughtful and i am not. She said spending time with us just 'doesnt work'. It was all very hurtful and dh and I decided nc was the only way forward. Mil had actually suggested this in the first 5 mins of our chat. Said her and fil had discussed it and that was for best. Now she seems to have changed her mind.

So the letter from fil says

Dear inmyshoos/shoosdh,
For some time now mum/mil has been trying to get in touch with you. She has been unsuccessful.
Mil/mum has spoken to me regarding conversations she has had with you Inmyshoos.
It would be most helpful, and would assist me to fully understand what you consider the problem/problems is/are between the four of us; if you could both write to me detailing your grievances. I will hopefully then fully understand your concerns and attemot to answer those concerns to the best of my abilities.
I hope to hear from you, but if not I will write to you both again in a few weeks time.
Regards
fil/dad. (Letter typed so has added signature here in pen!)

This letter is a great reflection on the situation! Can i add he appears to have a normal relationship with the other son and his family!

It is like a letter from a bloody lawyer not family! Christ on a bloody bike....

Would you respond?

I thought it was quite a fair letter. It is not going to be over familiar if he knows you're not speaking.. I would reply, calmly and honestly, without being rude and try and keep it factual. Let them know why you're upset. It sounds as though they do want to try and learn/work out so why not give them a chance? To me it doesn't sound bad enough for no contact from what you've written.

I would definitely write back and outline everything that your MIL had said. Don't exaggerate it, be honest, but don't hold anything back.

well, I suppose it depends if you actually want them in your lives at all?

I'd probably be inclined to say it's quite hard to return calls from withheld numbers, just cos that would vex me
AND if the NC was mostly her idea I'd be wondering why she has changed her mind after essentially backing you two into a corner over it in the first place

I am a bit "attack is the best form of defence" though

I agree. What could he have written that would have been acceptable to you? You are so angry with them anyway.
Now is your chance to say your piece in a measured and adult way, hopefully acknowledging faults on both sides, as no one is perfect.
You may never get on with your PIL s fantastically well but at least it might be less stressful to have a working relationship with them.( going to get flamed here, but this is my opinion)
Also when your children are older and possibly may turn out to be MORE like your husband's family than yours, wouldn't you hate it if they feel they have to sneak off behind your back in order to see them?
One of my DCs is the spit of my manipulative MIL and feels really comfortable with her.
I could have gone NC with her many times but I just kept my mouth shut and frosted her off. I didn't have the benefit of MNet when she told me she didn't want me to marry her son. She has been waiting over forty years for us to divorce. So you see I have no axe to grind on behalf of MILs.

Yes I would reply, and explain it as you have in this thread. It sounds like they are trying to extend a (slightly awkward) hand of friendship. A letter might be a good way of responding so that you can explain your point of view and hopefully they will read and consider.
Be honest and straightforward, but don't attack.

No I would not respond to this at all.

How have your lives been without them this past six months?. Also six months of no contact is a miniscule amount of time.

You are no contact with these people for very good reason and MIL originally suggested this too; maintain this for your own family's sake. You really do not need such people in your lives that favour their other son and their family over you people.

There is nothing in this letter from him to suggest any apology or even showing any real sense of responsibility for their actions; infact they are asking you why this has happened!. He's even saying that he will write again to you in a few weeks time if you do not respond; again do not respond to that letter either.

I think writing back could just open the floodgates for them to verbally attack you by letter; you could then get a laundry list of all your supposed shortcomings. Your H and by turn his family seem to be the scapegoats for all their inherent ills. Your DHs brother seems to have been given the role of the golden child and so is more favoured. That is also a role not without price but he has not learnt that yet.

Writing back to them may well perhaps give them a green light to bother you even more. Radio silence from you must be maintained; he has no idea that you've even received this letter anyway.

(BTW I thought my late FIL was the only one to type and write in such a manner. He was totally self absorbed and only acted in his own self interests. Your FIL is not acting in your interests now, only theirs because they want to draw you back in).

Even if you were to write back a neutrally worded, triple checked to show no offence and non confrontational letter, your words still have the potential to be used by either of them against you.

I would certainly advise against acknowledging any correspondence from them. Infact such letters should be shredded without even being read.

Your job is to protect them from such influences like your PILs who actively favour their other son and his family. Such favouritism should never be tolerated or rewarded.

I wouldn't reply. He wants a list in writing so they can argue each point. You'd get a letter back listing why everything is your fault and feel even worse about the whole thing.

Having also now read some of your previous posts on them, I would certainly not respond at all to his letter. No good will come of it.

Well, nc means nc. Nothing in that letter held out much hope, just a desire for you to restate your case. So if you have decided to go nc, and you both are happy with that, do not respond. But it sounds like dh may want to make a different choice now. If he wants to respond he can do so, without you. But he should be aware he is potentially opening up a chasm between you if he re- establishes a relationship and you do not.

I see what you mean about the tone of the letter. If not a lawyer, is FIL in customer support? "If you will write to me detailing your grievances..." Still, maybe he just does have a very formal way of expressing himself.

The important question here is, what do you and DH want to result from all this? Do you really want to get back in contact? How interested are you in finding out whether the olive branch is being extended in familial affection or will be used to beat you over the head?

No way. I would feel that this letter, along with the withheld number calls, are a way of gaining the moral high ground and being able to say, 'well, we tried,' and shifting all the blame to you. This would infuriate me so I'd be even more inclined to stay NC.

Having said that, they are your DH's parents so I suppose he has to make that decision for himself.

I think I would respond, but only to reinforce and explain why NC is the only option for you. The reason is that I think it might be a mistake to assume that your MIL and FIL are definitely a 'unit' on this, and that he is apprised of her behaviour (he may not know that she suggested going no contact).

However, I would do three things when replying:

1. Keep it short and very clear
2. Take an extremely factual tone, though, detailing that it was, in fact, your MIL who said that spending time with you 'didn't work' and that rationally, the best option seemed to be not to have contact in the circumstances.
3. State that you do not want an 'answer' to your concerns, because there is no possible response while you process the hurt that will not make it worse.

I'm in a similar position myself with my mother. She equally has sent nasty, goady text messages and emails.

I wouldn't reply.

Sometimes you need to think about what has NOT been said, as this can speak volumes. For instance, this 'typed' letter has asked you to list your grievances, it has not suggested that they want to resolve it, or said that they are sorry for any part of animosity.

Why would you reply?

If to 'get your side across' only, then I'd advise against as if these people are really unpleasant you'll never ever get them to understand your perspective and you'll get sucked in again.

There is no reason to try and get their agreement or acceptance of your reality. It never works.

Now, if you want to try and improve your relationship, or soften the nc, then replying is the way forwards...

Don't do it.

We got sucked in to that with dh's parents and FiL sent back a 4 page bullet pointed Word document detailing all the ways in which they were right and we were wrong backed up by all the people they'd asked who also agree they were right and we were wrong (including issues such as not strapping ds into his car seat).

See my mistake was thinking they were reasonable, dh knew what they were like, now he handles all visits and correspondence because he knows how to navigate life with them in it as he had lots of practice before I came along.

Thanks for replies.

My mil was very defensive when we talked. I cried my eyes out. It wasnt easy to ask her if she could love my children the way she loves the others, if we could be part of the happy family. They dont ever make us feel welcome. They are always frosty around us and fil makes snippy remarks over things like my 'homebirth' or 'breastfeeding' or my not allowing our dc to have things like aspartame (he scoffed at my ds 7 when he said he wasnt allowed the drink fil offered him because it had aspartame and it is bad for you, saying 'yeah maybe if you drink billions of litres of the stuff all day") Yet him and mil happily slice sausages into little triangles as sil worries about choking on 'sausage circles'. Do you see what i mean. Im fine with sil and her sausage thing, no problem, we all have our own little things, but mine are ridiculed and scoffed at whilst she is respected.

Dh feels last 6 mnths have been much less stressful. Has felt more relaxed other than worrying about mil's phonecalls. He still cant speak to them. He is afraid. He has never seen eye to eye with fil.

My only worry about responding is opening ourselves up to more abuse. I was never angry and never 'attacked' mil. When we spoke she was very defensive and she attacked me. Mil made it personal telling me how lovely sil was and how i just wasnt. It was very hurtful. I told mil if i seem unthoughtful it is because i am desperatrly trying to jeep my head above water. Raising 3 dc (at one time all under 5) with no family around for support. I also had ptsd which i told her about, caused by a terrible tragedy that happened where we live a few years ago and mil shrugged her shoulders and spat 'YOUR choice to move here!' (We moved with dh job through necessity)

One of my dd's misses mil. I am so sad for her. Why do family dynamics have to be so difficult.

Id still reply and let them know why you're upset. You can end the letter saying you'd rather stay non contact, but at least they will know for sure what your problems are.

Oh, OP, they sound horrible. I think I would be tempted to put the details in black and white so they could not be misinterpreted by anyone sane (your inlaws don't sound sane, btw), and then to bin all further communications and decide to reengage when YOU want to.

Understand completely and fully what you mean when you say your DH is afraid. Bullying fathers cast a very long shadow. Hopefully the fact that you have achieved and maintained NC for 6 months has shown him that there is another way.

They don't sound like people it would be nice to have in your life to continue treating you all like this.

Unless you think they'll suddenly have personality transplants.

You think they don't know how they treat you? You think your children would be immune from getting such treatment in the end?

I think any reply you send them would be torn apart point by point and used to beat you with. I think you would just get justifications and everything twisted round to it being your fault and/or you lying.

I think, based on how you describe them, your children would not be enriched by having them in their lives.

I think they don't like that they don't have control over this situation and are seeking to regain the upper hand.

I would actually not respond. And if possible do a return to sender, not known at this address.

Your husband is afraid. That says it all. He's happy to not have them in his life. When someone genuinely feels like that about their parents - listen.

I suspect they're the kind of people who like to feel that they are in control. They're only interested in no contact if it's on their terms. The calls and letter are purely to reassure themselves that you will still come running back to them when they want you to.

Don't bother to reply.

I also agree with the replies that say, don't bother. However I am soft hearted and would always give some one a chance.
They have had six months to explore and discuss what went on so may have had second thoughts.
It's more about trying to build some bridges and not reopening old wounds really.
It sounds as though you ( post) don't feel entirely happy with being NC. So could you just say that you would be willing to get on, but you would like the following to happen, rather than detailing grievances and their short comings.
Horrible as it is, and of course it shouldn't be apparent, but inevitably you just do like some people more than others. I do like some of my DCs partners more than others. I just can't help it. However I don't love any of the GC more than any others. I see more of some, so naturally I am more familiar with them and closer.
If your SIL lives close by, what's her take on all this ? or is she sitting on the fence. Do you get on with her?

A letter asking for grievances is not about building bridges at all. Building bridges would be something like, things have gone wrong let's start over, put it all behind us, or let's work together on making this right.

The letter does not exist in isolation, the FiL is a bully whose 40 year old son is afraid of and the MiL, while the OP was asking them to love their grandchildren , told her she just wasn't as nice as her SiL. These are not kind people.

I would bet money on the fact that if you reply then you will receive a letter back telling you why all your points are, in fact, wrong.

You have both tried with regards to his parents and have got precisely nowhere. Also your DH is likely still mired in fear, obligation and guilt with
regards to them and on some level still perhaps wants their approval too.

The role that his parents assigned to your DH was scapegoat and by turn all of his family unit. Unfortunately it is of no surprise to me whatsoever that his brother's family are so favoured; this is all part of their scripted dysfunctional dynamic that such families operate. Its about power and control really.

Re your nine year old DD, this may be helpful to you:-

You are the parent. You get to make these decisions without apology or excessive justification. You can assure your child that you are making a wise and loving decision for them as well as yourself. You must convey that this isn't up for negotiation. This is not a decision that the child gets to make. Yes, children usually love their grandparents. Children are often quite indiscriminate in their love which is why they need parents to guide them. Not every person is safe to have around and this is a good time to teach that important life lesson. The more matter-of-fact you are, the more matter-of-fact your children will be. When we act hysterical, they will usually reflect our hysteria. If you act anxious, they will act anxious. If you appear unsure, they will push. Model the reaction and attitude you want your children to adopt.

If you have another set of grandparents in the picture then focus on them. It is rare that both sets of grandparents are nasty. Emphasize to your children how much we enjoy being around grandma and grandpa so-and-so (the decent and loving grandparents). Cultivate your children's relationship with the decent, loving grandparents. Teach your children to be grateful for the decent, loving grandparents. Gratitude is a highly effective antidote to loss. Focus them on what they have, not what they don't have. Model that attitude of gratitude.