Would you respond to this letter??

[inmyshoos]

After years of difficult relationship with in laws we have been nc for oast 6 mnths. Mil has been ringing from withheld number leaving arsey tone messages always asking 'could you ring me back'.

Fil just sent a letter. Dh thinks maybe reply. I am not sure. History being that mil and I had a very honest chat and i told her we wanted to be part of their big happy family (they have another son and practically raise his two dc yet rarely even phone us and our 3 dc) Mil told me she hardly knows my dh anymore as he left home so long ago (at 24?! He is 40 now) and that my sil is lovely and easy and very thoughtful and i am not. She said spending time with us just 'doesnt work'. It was all very hurtful and dh and I decided nc was the only way forward. Mil had actually suggested this in the first 5 mins of our chat. Said her and fil had discussed it and that was for best. Now she seems to have changed her mind.

So the letter from fil says

Dear inmyshoos/shoosdh,
For some time now mum/mil has been trying to get in touch with you. She has been unsuccessful.
Mil/mum has spoken to me regarding conversations she has had with you Inmyshoos.
It would be most helpful, and would assist me to fully understand what you consider the problem/problems is/are between the four of us; if you could both write to me detailing your grievances. I will hopefully then fully understand your concerns and attemot to answer those concerns to the best of my abilities.
I hope to hear from you, but if not I will write to you both again in a few weeks time.
Regards
fil/dad. (Letter typed so has added signature here in pen!)

This letter is a great reflection on the situation! Can i add he appears to have a normal relationship with the other son and his family!

It is like a letter from a bloody lawyer not family! Christ on a bloody bike....

Would you respond?

As someone who is seriously contemplating going nc with parts of my DH's family, I sympathise. It's not an easy choice to make. I'd be inclined to say give it another go...but if they aren't willing to change how they are, you probably won't get your happy ending. Good luck with whatever you decide. I may post on here about my own difficult decision!

mintyy i wish the size 12 jumpers were my biggest gripe! That was just a wee funny story to help paint a clearer picture of our history. I don't really care about that. It actually made me laugh indisbelief that someone would think like that.

Bartholomew you are right there are two sides to this. I have always been aware of this. We have for a long time struggled with how we are treated by pil. They make us feel like 2nd class citizens. I spoke to my mil in person and gave her our side, as honestly and openly as i could. I didnt attack her, i was calm and a bit teary towards the end (I found it hard not to cry tbh esp when i said how hard a time we have had, dh made redundant, breakdown, ptsd etc and her spitting in my face 'what do you want me to do about it? Sometimes you just have to get on with it (er i have...)) Hard to hear when for her other son she cooks, irons, provides childcare for his dc, does school run, swim lessons etc. Dh's brother has mil keep kids overnight so he can go to gym in morn before work for a sauna and a coffee. It's a different life! Mil refers to him as poor dbil because he has gout due to being overweight. He is like her big spoilt baby. When dh was at risk of losing his job and we had 3 young dc, dh was on the verge of a break down. He was at their house overnight due to work and i asked mil to speak to him saying how stressed he had been and how worried i was, she completely dismissed it saying 'seems fine to me!'. He lost his job that month and had a complete breakdown which id say he still hasnt 100% recovered from.
I have no doubt bartholomew that they may find me difficult, it is because i am real. I talk. I cant pretend and im not good at sweeping under the table and playing the game. Im just not that person. Im not expecting pil to change and indeed they have indicated they won't, I am just saying, for MY family, being treated in this way is making us unhappy and is therefore not acceptable to us.

Shoos the more you write about their behaviour, the more this screams ignore ignore ignore!!!

Please don't get sucked back in to this. MIL wanted no contact and because you've given it she no longer gets to dump on you from a great height. That's why they want you back in contact. To continue their control over you.

For those of us who are survivors of or maintaining a safe distance from narc family members, you recognise all the same behaviour patterns and the only way to break this is NC. Its always difficult for those who haven't experienced this to understand as we all like to believe there is good in people, despite past problems. Well not here, not with them. Stay strong and stay away.

Dear FIL

We have been puzzled as to why MIL has been trying to contact us, as it was her idea to withdraw in the first place and we have simply complied with her wishes.

We have no grievances with you. We are simply different people, and cannot live our lives to suit your ideas of how we should. With that in mind we think that the current situation is the best solution for all of us at this time, and would request that you don't bother to write again as any further letters will be returned unopened.

There may be a way forward for us to re-establish communication and perhaps even family relationships in the future. We would like this for the sake of our children, but at the moment we would rather respect MILs wishes and remain out of regular contact. Should this change at any time we will contact you.

Best wishes

Shoos/ShoosDH

Bartholomew has a point but as it is Shoos who has started the thread and asked the question, which is mostly how to reply to the letter, it's natural to take the poster's side.

I think Shoos you are putting your own impression on the relationship between DBIL/SIL/DMil and DFIL.

It appears as if everything in the garden is rosy but are you only hearing this from them?

Honestly, if they are as snotty as they sound it is unlikely all things are going smoothly - ESPECIALLY if there are black sheep to condemn for any upset, imagined or otherwise. Removing the black sheep form the circle, you and DH, can cause collapse of the status quo and their own gripes with each other can emerge.

Why not get DH to write the note to DFIL, brief, saying your are all ok, and wishing them well. After all he is the son.

Is it possible to have a telephone conversation with your FIL and therefore avoid putting something in writing that can be used against you.

If you coose to reply keep it short, dont explain or justify.
Gonwith the responses suggested by Nirah or Thistledew.
Be prepared for an outraged reply saying MIL never said you were hard work or that she suggested NC.

I do not in any way read that letter as an olive branch.
An olive branch would be -sorry things havent gone well, we miss you, want come meet us for a cuppa and a chat somewhere.

Don't reply.

They are unreasonable people and you can't reason with the unreasonable.

Wright a response if you must for your own sanity but DON'T SEND IT!

Bartholomew: you raise an interesting point about two sides/differing perceptions etc. However, one comment stood out for me in the op's later posts - her husband is actually afraid of his parents. Whatever personality traits of hers may grate with the mil/fil, these are people whose own son is scared of them. That's pretty fundamental.

Before I was forced into a nc position, I could never imagine that there wasn't a way to resolve a situation, or at least make it better. Now I know, never judge until you've walked a mile in another man's shoes. When you haven't encountered massive dysfunction, an overwhelming need for control and in some cases narcissism (I know that's often over used) as I hadn't, it's scary when you do.

Only the op and her dh know the fil well enough to judge if anything good could come of replying. Unfortunately on this thread there are many who know what the subsequent response may well be. Again, this might be acceptable to the op and her dh. Perhaps they would welcome a dialogue to sort things out. These situations generally arise though precisely because they involve people who cannot or will not see another's point of view, and that they themselves could ever be in the wrong.

You only have one life and it's been peaceful for the last 6 months. Ignore the letter and change your phone number. You know what you're letting yourselves in for if you reply.