Would you respond to this letter??

[inmyshoos]

After years of difficult relationship with in laws we have been nc for oast 6 mnths. Mil has been ringing from withheld number leaving arsey tone messages always asking 'could you ring me back'.

Fil just sent a letter. Dh thinks maybe reply. I am not sure. History being that mil and I had a very honest chat and i told her we wanted to be part of their big happy family (they have another son and practically raise his two dc yet rarely even phone us and our 3 dc) Mil told me she hardly knows my dh anymore as he left home so long ago (at 24?! He is 40 now) and that my sil is lovely and easy and very thoughtful and i am not. She said spending time with us just 'doesnt work'. It was all very hurtful and dh and I decided nc was the only way forward. Mil had actually suggested this in the first 5 mins of our chat. Said her and fil had discussed it and that was for best. Now she seems to have changed her mind.

So the letter from fil says

Dear inmyshoos/shoosdh,
For some time now mum/mil has been trying to get in touch with you. She has been unsuccessful.
Mil/mum has spoken to me regarding conversations she has had with you Inmyshoos.
It would be most helpful, and would assist me to fully understand what you consider the problem/problems is/are between the four of us; if you could both write to me detailing your grievances. I will hopefully then fully understand your concerns and attemot to answer those concerns to the best of my abilities.
I hope to hear from you, but if not I will write to you both again in a few weeks time.
Regards
fil/dad. (Letter typed so has added signature here in pen!)

This letter is a great reflection on the situation! Can i add he appears to have a normal relationship with the other son and his family!

It is like a letter from a bloody lawyer not family! Christ on a bloody bike....

Would you respond?

Your opinion differs to mine. Regardless, you can't deny that it's a potential olive branch.

I wouldn't be able to resist writing back. My reply would be along the lines of "MIL suggested we go NC, we have no objections. We will not be opening any further correspondence from you & request that you do not attempt to use BIL as a go-between. We are not interested in discussing this further."

curio hardly an olive branch is it? Maybe if it read more like what redoubt wrote....

Its anything but an olive branch; it is designed to draw them back into PILs overall control. Many people who are not in an emotionally healthy family unit also do this type of behaviour to try and get the respondent to reply. These people like nothing more than a fight and the last word.

The letter seems fine to me. He's just trying to be clear and not leave room for misunderstandings. I'd write similar in this situation and I'm a warm and fuzzy type.

So I'd base your decision on the situation not the letter.

The letter in your op could have been written by my fil, with whom I am nc. He likes to "chair" meetings to resolve things, but they are actually just opportunites for him to be "right" and let you know how wrong you are. He is always the victim.

Could you have written that letter to your son/daughter and their wife/husband ? That letter isn't about reconcilliation, love, understanding or forgiveness. It's about control, making you answerable. They know why you haven't been in touch. If they were distraught at not seeing you and their gc they would be contacting their son, full of regret and sadness at the situation.

I'm with Attilla all the way on this one.

Even if they "understand your concerns" and attempt to "answer" them, what next ? Their behaviour towards you is a result of their dysfunction. You can't change them, and if they've cast you in a particular role nothing you do will make any difference. As long as you and your husband are together in this you'll be fine.

I had virtually this identical situation recently. Like the relatively decent, fair-minded reasonable person I know I am, I did as some posters are suggesting, and responded to what appeared to be an olive branch.
I sent a fairly concise well-balanced reply, thanking the sender for an opportunity to communicate directly, laid out my reasons for NC and politely declined the offer. (as I'm entitled to do, even with an apparent olive branch)
In response, I then received a much longer, much more condescending and pointed communication, picking apart my reasons for NC, which was designed to put me firmly in my place and reel me back in so I could be kicked about a bit more. I'm not up for it, and it purely reminded me of all the reasons I am happily NC.
There was an agenda with the first communication, which only became more apparent when I restated my position (ie thanks but no thanks) and had I continued to engage, I would have been picked to bits even more. There are reasons why I have walked away after a lifetime of heartache.
OP, you could choose to respond as I did...just be prepared for what comes back and consider how you will feel then...or you could happily stay as you are and save yourself the angst. It's what I'll be doing next time.

It's not an olive branch....it's a power play.

In dysfunctional families (this certainly sounds like one) as nobody can be vulnerable and attached with love, all the relationships become about power.

Either I have it over you (FIL) or I am submissive and get power by service/manipulation (MIL/SIL).

The "Golden Child" (BIL) has power by virtue of adhering to the dysfunctional family dynamic.

Usually, there is a scapegoat, on whom the inevitable family conflicts/disruptions are blamed (DH it seems).

Where one family member (OP?) disrupts the unhealthy dynamic, all of those power forces are recruited to bring that person back into line.

So that person's choices are stark:
suck it up and submit for the dubious prize of the relationship
OR gladly take the "difficult" label and keep them at (long) arms length.

It is very very difficult to have a healthy, respectful relationship with this type of person...they don't recognise what you are offering as they have no experience of it.
Quite sad really.

You could answer his 'question' with a question. Which bats it right back without divulging anything and also gives him the 'opportunity' to state where he's really coming from.

I don'. Know these ppl of course but I'd be wary of lumping them together as one.

Springy do you mean something like 'Dear Fil, as you have already heard the details of the conversation between mil and inmyshoos perhaps you would like to send us a letter with anything you feel you wish to add. Having heard what mil had to say we are going with her initial suggestion, that i believe you and her agreed was best, to not be in contact.

Something like that? If anything. Still thinking no response is best but want to consider what we might say if we were to respond. Dh is swaying to responding because the letters/phonecalls are stressing him out.

No-one who wants to make peace asks for a list of grievances.

No response is indeed best here. Do not take their bait.

If you respond at all you will go back to square one again re them and the no contact you have maintained this past 6 months will be broken. Its no point in responding, any response made from you will not be at all heeded and will be used by them against you. This is really the calm before the storm.

Will your DH be willing to speak to a counsellor about his parents unhealthy and toxic relationship?. He really needs to consider doing this if he is becoming stressed out too because that will impact upon you all in your household. Letters and phone calls can be unanswered and blocked respectively.

I think it is unlikely that they are all heartless bitches and you are just reasonable and pleasant.

Although of course you are only giving the evidence to support that belief so most on here will see it that way.

They evidently find you difficult.

But you are not really considering why that is or what you could do about it.

Yet you find them difficult and expect them to address it.

They are obviously capable of happy loving relationships but for some reason this is difficult with you. Why?

I'm sure there is a complex dynamic at play here, with layers of hurt on both sides and barriers built to protect positions which no one will retreat from as ego is so bound up in being right.

It is hard to address, and much easier on both sides to construct a narrative around the others failings and justifying your own position- for both sides.

OR maybe they are just calculating controlling twats who have wronged innocent you.

In adult relationships however that is often not the case. Despite MN view of MILs.

They are obviously capable of happy loving relationships but for some reason this is difficult with you

Well MIL has a good relationship with her favourite DGCs but there is no evidence of the other adults' relationships being loving.
Manipulating perhaps. The uncle's uninvited comment says a lot imo.

And why would it be ok for the DMIL to dote on her DDs DCs and not her DS's.
Extreme favouritism. Not nice.

Shorter than that (because you have given some info in the account above) - leave out your account, ask a bare question. Eg i'm wondering what you consider has happened and why? Use one of his phrases back to him. Flower it up a bit if you must but DON'T give your account AT ALL. Sorry caps - it's hard not to justify ourselves and we may do it without realising we're doing it.

They are obviously capable of happy loving relationships but for some reason this is difficult with you

MIL is close to other DIL - this is dismissed with 'evidence' that other DIL has bitchy friends.

Yet evidence from one one comment at a wedding about FIL is given serious weight.

There is not 'truth' here. Just perceptions.

PIL see OP as hard to get along with.

OP sees them as cold to her.

Each has their own perceptions.

We all focus on the evidence which supports our narrative and usually protects us.

OP has lots of evdience of their hearlessness.

I would bet PIL if here have lots of 'evidence' of OPs difficultness.

Family breakdown like this is very difficult to address as each side has so much invested in their own narrative about the situation.

I just think very often MN simplifies things, which is not helpful to OPs as just stengthens their evidence and entrenches their position.

You may decide it can't be repaired but it's generally healthier to at least see and accept the complexity as it takes away the bitterness.

Eg when you say 'i'm wondering what you consider has happened and why?' DON'T follow it up with 'because...' etc. Just leave the question bare. Don't give ANY personal details, opinions, accounts - nothing, nada, zero.

Channel your inner journalist

MIL s perception may be: she can't be close OPs children as being around OP is so strained and tense. This means they spend less time together and she inevitably ends up closer to DILs children as DIL is easy to be with, but feels great sadness that because OP is a difficult women she will never be as close to other GC.

Not saying this si the case-just saying PILs perception will be very different to OPs, and neither is 'truth'.

Another vote for don't respond.

And change your phone number. You'll be amazed how much better you feel every time the phone rings. Much less stress.

I think it would be cowardly not to reply, and just give them fuel to feed the idea that you are being difficult and refusing contact for no good reason.

Say what happened in a calm, factual way. Give examples of unacceptable behaviour (such as the size 12 jumpers).

Say that you are pleased to have had an opportunity to explain your position in full.

Say that you will not be opening any future letters or answering any more withheld number phone calls.

Great post from BartholomewCrouch at 19:50:22. Things are rarely black and white.

Possibly FIL realises he only knows MIL's side of the phone conversation and wants to know your side of it.

MIL suggested NC. She said she and FIL agreed this was the best choice. Why would FIL agree this without knowing what he wants put in a letter?

This is working for OP.

Just because MIL has now decided she wants to change her mind doesn't mean that OP has to in the slightest.

There is nothing to gain by listing reasons in a letter and a fragile peace to lose.

OP, you have the upper hand right now. Keep it. Do not answer that letter. You have 6 months of NC that shows how much easier life is. Don't throw that away.

I don't know the context of this because I didn't read previous threads, but I really can't see much wrong with the tone of fill's letter. Sounds like he knows emotions have been running high and he's trying to stay calm to broker a peace deal to me. I wouldn't interpret anything domineering or devious in it at all. That said, the mil sounds like a head case and I would therefore write back to fil very much along the lines of " mil suggested things were't working and we should go nc and now that we have got used to this, it is working better for us" and wish them well.
But as I said, I don't know the full story .....