Would you respond to this letter??

[inmyshoos]

After years of difficult relationship with in laws we have been nc for oast 6 mnths. Mil has been ringing from withheld number leaving arsey tone messages always asking 'could you ring me back'.

Fil just sent a letter. Dh thinks maybe reply. I am not sure. History being that mil and I had a very honest chat and i told her we wanted to be part of their big happy family (they have another son and practically raise his two dc yet rarely even phone us and our 3 dc) Mil told me she hardly knows my dh anymore as he left home so long ago (at 24?! He is 40 now) and that my sil is lovely and easy and very thoughtful and i am not. She said spending time with us just 'doesnt work'. It was all very hurtful and dh and I decided nc was the only way forward. Mil had actually suggested this in the first 5 mins of our chat. Said her and fil had discussed it and that was for best. Now she seems to have changed her mind.

So the letter from fil says

Dear inmyshoos/shoosdh,
For some time now mum/mil has been trying to get in touch with you. She has been unsuccessful.
Mil/mum has spoken to me regarding conversations she has had with you Inmyshoos.
It would be most helpful, and would assist me to fully understand what you consider the problem/problems is/are between the four of us; if you could both write to me detailing your grievances. I will hopefully then fully understand your concerns and attemot to answer those concerns to the best of my abilities.
I hope to hear from you, but if not I will write to you both again in a few weeks time.
Regards
fil/dad. (Letter typed so has added signature here in pen!)

This letter is a great reflection on the situation! Can i add he appears to have a normal relationship with the other son and his family!

It is like a letter from a bloody lawyer not family! Christ on a bloody bike....

Would you respond?

What cheeseandgerkins said.

I think what you are all saying is very true. They will never change. Although in isolation my mil is a lovely grandmother. She does lovely stuff with her other dc. Lots of painting, baking, trips to park.

I am so very hurt by it all. Feels like it is something i cant protect my dc from. Is it more damaging to allow contact or deny it.

Fil/Mil moved to a different city when they graduated. My dh had very little contact with extended family as he grew up. He said it was never encouraged. At dh's brothers wedding his Uncle (mil's sisters hubby) said to dh 'I am surprised what a nice guy you are given how big an arsehole your father is' at which point his wife dug him hard in ribs and he went back to his pint! Does make me wonder!

Sil and I are very different. We are never in touch. Dc only saw cousins at mil/fil house. She was at school with one of my very best friends (a very lively genuine person), came to light at my wedding, my friend says sil was part of the in crowd at school and wouldnt have given her the time of day. Sil has become close friends (through antenatal class) with a girl who was a horrible bully at my secondary school. It makes me think she might not be the sweet little thoughtful flower my in laws see her as but that is their business.
She has her nose well and truely up their arses and it works for them. She has a lot to be thankful for, the in laws are a great support for them and doting grandparents. It just doesnt extend to our family.

I had a similar piece of correspondence.

I agonised over it for days.

In the end I realised that the fact the sender was still claiming not to understand why I was reluctant to have contact, said it all.

I did not reply.

"Although in isolation my mil is a lovely grandmother. She does lovely stuff with her other dc. Lots of painting, baking, trips to park".

You need to park the frankly naive idea that this woman is actually a loving grandmother. She is actually anything but loving. Controlling yes, loving no.

She is only doing those things with her other grandchildren. Not your children. Again this is because they have decided to make your DH and so by turn his family unit as well the scapegoats for all their inherent ills.

You as parents will do your children a huge favour to them and yourselves in the future by remaining no contact with his parents. It will be far more damaging to them all if you were to expose them to their overt favouritism of their cousins. What message does that send them?. They also will continue to see the two of you as their own parents so disrespected and ignored. Do not be fearful here, hold your nerve and do not reply to any of their missives.

I'd ignore. As others have said, it will open the gates to you getting an exhaustive list of your apparent shortcomings and failings. Used to get them all the time from my parents, to the point where I was phobic about opening letters.

"Yet him and mil happily slice sausages into little triangles as sil worries about choking on 'sausage circles'." Sorry, this did make me Why are triangles less dangerous than circles? Why can't sil cut her own food up? Surely triangles would be more dangerous, they have pointy corners.

There's a lot of the "grand-I-am"s about his letter isn't there?

It's very paternalistic...MIL has relayed her version of the story to him (as he's the all-powerful patriarch) and he has taken it upon himself to call you to account.

It is implied that you must answer to his satisfaction. It is implied that he is the person with the authority.

In that situation, I would like to think that I would be writing something like:

"Dear Inmyshoes and darling son, please forgive me for whatever mistakes I've made in our relationship. Life is too short and I love and miss you too much to allow our differences to get in the way. I have no doubt that there are things I do which annoy you- it is hard for me to see DS as a grown man with his own family. Is there any way that we can meet and I will try to listen carefully to your points. FIL/MIL".

There is no way that he will ever have the insight or humility to write that letter.

Don't mistake your sadness about the lack of a mature relationship with them to be a reflection of your own shortcomings...in fact it shows great insight & integrity as you are sad for how things could be.
You can only dance with a partner who's willing to move with you.

You need people in your lives that are positive. That are kind and love you for who you are.

I would continue being NC.

They sound like utter pains. Why agree to go nc then write a letter?

However I am still struggling to get over my own spat with FIL on Boxing Day - we haven't spoken since. He won't tell me what I did wrong to cause him to blow up at me, which is just cruel. There is nothing I can do to help mend the relationship if he refuses to shed any light on the issue in the first place. I have apologised for whatever I did twice, and asked to be told what I did, twice. He is just sweeping everything under the rug which is manipulative!

Perhaps that is what your FIL is asking - to clarify what the problem is? Some people (like me), would rather know if someone has a problem with them.

What you need to remember is that in a toxic family everyone has an "assigned role". The scapegoat is to take on the bad aspects of the family, be "the bad guy" and the one

So now that you and your DH are (contentedly - keep it up) NC they are missing their little whipping boy, someone to project all their drama and hate onto. Your DH needs to grieve the relationship he never had, but he won't get a good one out of them.

That's the only reason they are trying to resume contact. It's all an image control exercise: MIL and FIL trying to portray themselves as some wounded, yet "still trying to be reasonable" victims. Left to themselves, they'll implode or have to find a new thing to pick on.

You're well out of it. Send them a comedy one-liner (a picture of a cunt or something is probably the only worthy reply to that pompous, self-righteous drivel - protecting the feelings of Lady Muck the MIL) or don't reply.

Family dynamics don't have to be difficult: you're a strong woman and life can be so much simpler and more fulfilling once toxic, negative, people are removed.

In this day and age, not being in touch with a parent or a grandparent for whatever reason is increasingly the norm: you'll be one of many.

If you reply you are undoing all the hard work and grief of the last 6 months. You will be resetting the NC clock to 0 and they will know they only have to call x times and write then you will give in.

If FIL needs to know he can talk to Mil who it has all been explained to.

Do not respond.

I think you should decide whether you think it's worth trying to resolve the relationship or not and act accordingly. Either way write your letter, but if you want to remain nc, don't state specific issues but that after a difficult relationship it was agreed by both sides nc would be best and you're happy with that decision.

If you do reply, keep it simple:

"During our last conversation, MIL suggested that we go no contact, and that the two of you prefer to focus on SIL and her family. On reflection, DH and I agree that this is the best way forward for all concerned. We ask that you only contact us in the event of serious family news, and we will do likewise."

I .. think it's worth giving this a try. But maybe not expecting much.

It's clear that you and PIL are very different sorts of people and will probably never have a close relationship, but perhaps it can be better than it is now.

I'd say something on the lines that:

• Mil and you had had a chat. it became very clear in this chat that she found you very hard work and that indeed she herself had suggested that you cease contact. You had been very hurt as it was unsuspected that she found you so difficult (assuming that you hadn't actually suspected it. if you did, you can't really write that you didn't ofc).

• that it has been hard and hurtful as you had wanted a closer relationship but that actually MIL has been proved correct, that it has worked out easier for you all. However, that your DD does miss her.

• that it hurt also that she didn't understand that there had been a rough patch.

• that you are not sure what it is that she finds so 'thoughtless' about you. If they could clarify that, it would help move forward

• that you too have your problems with how they treat your family in comparison with your SIL. You can make it clear that it's the general pattern of incidents rather than any one thing. Then if you want you can give some detailed examples. They may choose to look only on the incidents and not on the underlaying trend, no matter how you emphasise that; but that's the risk you take if you are open to talking.

• that you realise that you are different sorts of people but that you would appreciate them understanding your position as well as you trying to understand theirs.

• perhaps there can be a way forward that works for you all.

the best you can hope for is a limited relationship I think, but that's something. Sometimes things just don't click. But from the sound of it, it's worth trying.

if they attack you, well what have you lost? it's not pleasant to read but you can toss the letter away and resume NC.

Thistledew has said exactly what I was going to suggest.

Don't list you're grievances, you will simply be fuelling their reasons to dislike you. Point out that MiL suggested this, you and DH are simply willing to go along with it. It sounds like you're better off without them.

Any reply, no matter how reasonably worded or inoffensively put, is just going to open up the floodgates for OP to be further abused. Their words will be used against them.

Pointing out also that his wife (i.e. MIL) suggested all this as well is going to go down extremely badly and simply gives them more ammo to attack (which is what they want; they want to goad you into replying so you can resume your assigned roles as scapegoats).

No good at all will come of replying to FILs missive. Radio silence must be maintained.

Redoubtable is absolutely right.

'It is implied that you must answer to his satisfaction. It is implied that he is the person with the authority.'

After my BIL died in terrible circumstances we went NC with toxic ex SIL and her vile bully of a son. Life is so much calmer without them suddenly 'popping up' and causing havoc in our lives.

Please don't respond or join in your in laws' nasty 'power games'.

I would say reply BUT you have already taken the hard step of having the difficult conversation with them in which you told them why you were upset with them. Look where it got you.

Them having the reasons on paper is not going to change things I'm afraid.

You've told them once. They didn't listen. My experience tells me it's over and they won't change their ways.

What does your DBil think about it all or Sil?

They sound like very hard work. I'd write a note saying life is too short to bother with this nonsense. Get a life. And sign your name.

Can i just add in my defence that i am not thought of as difficult by many (if any one else) I am however very capable and i think this is what they find at a guess intimidating. I am thoughtful. I'd say far more so than mil. For years for Christmas my mil would buy me a size 12 jumper even though each year I'd say 'flattered you think i am a 12 but i will have to swap for a 14 at least!' And mil told me it is because she does Christmas shopping with her other daughter-in-law (golden childs wife) and she is a tiny size 6 who tells mil 'you cant buy someone a size 14!!! They will think you think they are enormous!!'
Also this joint Christmas shopping means each year my girls get something from what the other grandchildren are into for Christmas. So one year my dd got Sylvanian animals because the other gc was getting all Sylvanian stuff. Dd got a Barbie thing the year the other gc was into Barbie. You see the pattern. They don't know what our dc are into because they aren't interested or involved with them.

These situations are usually something from their past being reenacted.
Eg Did DFIL have an older DB who was the apple of everyone's eye and everyone criticized DFIL and he is giving your DH the treatment he got, or was DFILL the apple of everyone's eye and any other sibling the black sheep, so DH is the 'new' black sheep. Or....... a similar situation with DMIL.
This his Uncle (mil's sisters hubby) said to dh 'I am surprised what a nice guy you are given how big an arsehole your father is might be pointing along these lines.

Honestly, it will be something like this. Your dBIL and DSIL sound not that nice. And you and DH sound normal. So the problem is totally the ILs and not you, and if it IS something being relived from a situation they grew up with then
1 They will be oblivious to this so will not change and
2 It is nothing whatsoever to do with you or how you have ever behaved so better you move on and leave them to it.

My DCs had no GPs nearby and it didn't really cross our minds that they were missing out on anything. They did have cousins nearish but once DCs are in secondary schools they have their own friends and cousins come well down the list.

Just leave them to get on with it.

Dear FIL
A while ago MIL said that seeing DH and I "just didn't work" and that you had both discussed it and felt that going NC was for the best. At the time we found this very upsetting.

However we are happy at the moment and wish to keep things as they are.

Yours

Shoos.

Dont' mention their feelings or what happened as it gives them an excuse to come back at you again.

quitelikely bil sent a few messages to dh saying he knew I had sooken to mil but wasnt privvy to the details but wanted to check everything was ok between them and us. (Really there is no relationship there, our paths only cross at in laws)
He also wanted to tell dh that 'mum is really upset'.

Sil is a manipulative bitch imo. Without doubt she stirs it and manages to come up looking like the lovely thoughtful being that mil thinks she is! I just cant game play. Im not that kinda person. I have never got a hidden agenda. With me what you see is what you get.

Take the potential olive branch.

It isn't an olive branch. It's a demand to be allowed to piss all over the OP again.