DH potentially lied about being single when we started dating...

[Bananachips2015]

DH married a couple of weeks ago, after just over 2 years together. I always had a feeling that he was seeing somebody or similar when he first started chatting to me but he's always denied it. I've just found a book that was given to him by his ex-gf for his birthday. That was around the time when he was busy buying me endless cups of coffee but 2 weeks before we had our first date and the dedication reads "To my darling... With love, always & forever...". All this time, I've brushed it aside because he was so public about how much he liked me, in front of everyone and anyone including his colleagues and friends. However, this has left a very bitter taste in my mouth.
Thoughts? Would you have come clean? I don't know what I would have done and I fear that DH is always going to be like this, he'll tell a lie provided he can thinks that he can get away with it.

I am almost done now but yes, it has to be in tomorrow and I need to present it too. Right now, that's more important than whatever mess DH has made of his life. I am not responsible for that, but I am responsible for mine and DS' welfare.

I am angry. How dare he come into my life and bring all his crap (deceit, debts and God-knows-whatelse) with him?!?!

DS or DD ?

I'm really sorry I am confused.

Absolutely.

I do feel for you banana.

he'll tell a lie provided he can thinks that he can get away with it.

That's a very reliable indicator of poor character.

Good luck with your work and figuring out what to do next.

If you want to get all your ducks in a row and not give him a chance to have a few lies prepared, make sure you've put all the paperwork back exactly as you found it. If he knows you've been in there but haven't confronted him, he'll start coming up with scenarios ready for questioning.

God OP, I really feel for you

Thank you all for your words of support!!

The house is all lovely waiting for hubby to arrive and yes, the house is lovely but then I am very house proud! Sorry, just trying to keep myself together.

Oh and I have a DS who is 17, sorry if I put DD at some point. I've checked that everything is back where it should be but it wouldn't surprise me if he notices something is out of place. He's very particular, which perhaps comes from having lied through his teeth his whole life and having had to watch his every step along the way?

As I read it, the 'DDs' the OP referred to were direct debit payments, which was misunderstood by another poster as to refer to a daughter.

So almost a week has gone by and I am trapped.

I haven't confronted DH about the old debts, on the basis that it could have been down to his divorce, etc. However, I have made direct questions about his current situation and it's not pretty at all. I never married him for his money but I always believed that he was slightly better off than me. While I appreciate that he has changed jobs, and with that, taken a considerable reduction on his income, he should NEVER have incurred some of the expenses that we've had (travel, wedding) if he knew that he couldn't afford them. More to the point, even though he was earning very well before the change, it looks to me that he was just spending it all. He's got a second car which has to be handed back in this week as he's missed two payments on the lease, and the amount outstanding is almost the equivalent of the value of the car, and he's just about paying his way at the moment.

I've gone from marrying somebody who I thought was solvent and financially comfortable, to finding myself legally tied to a financial-wreck who lies through his teeth. I have no idea what to do. Surely the 'for better or for worse' doesn't apply in this case?!?! Somebody mentioned previously that I had married my exh again. Yes, I have. I carried my exh on my shoulders for as long as I could because we had DS and I wanted to provide him with a mum & dad environment, something that I never had as my dad died was I was a toddler (and my mum never remarried). Now I have no reason to even consider taking on somebody who a middle-aged man who can't look after his money. At the very least, he should have taken on a second job to get himself out of this mess, surely?? But I suppose for that, he'd have had to tell me the state of affairs.

I'm afraid I think you are going to have to say that you want complete honesty and a plan. That you want to see a financial manager of CAB or similar together. When you have all the details then you can decide if you feel you can stay together or not. I certainly wouldn't blame if you decided that you wanted out. I probably wouldn't say I was planning to leave at this point because it wouldn't encourage honesty.

Very difficult situation for you Banana. I agree delving into his past finances now is probably not helpful.

How was his reaction when you talked? Was he open about it, or did you have to wind it out of him on a stick?

It sounds like you want to leave, which you're certainly "entitled" to do - he's been less than honest with you about things (and it's that lack of honesty which would be a deal-breaker for me, rather than the debt - and it sounds like it's the same for you.)

Can you see if you can get a free initial consultation with a solicitor, and see where you stand? I'm wondering if an annulment would be possible. Did you buy the house together?

BTW I have had a very similar situation with not one but TWO previous partners. The first one was just completely hopeless, very passive-aggressive, and I ended up completely taking over all the finances for us both and essentially giving him "pocket money", which was a bit rich considering I was in my early twenties and he was 30 and owned property The second was my most recent ex, who was a bit more open and at least freely told me "as soon as I have money, it burns a hole in my pocket", but I got really hacked off with constantly having to lend him money halfway through the month because he didn't have enough left to buy lunch. He ended up running off with another woman while owing me 3.5k, which - spoiler! - I have never seen a penny of. Twat.

pocketsaviour did you date my DH by any chance? Judging by the stuff that I found about his old debts, his then partner was helping him manage his finances - she was in her early/mid twenties and he was already in his late thirties!

He wasn't forthcoming at all and if anything, he's quite ready to bite my head off whenever I ask him a question... about anything! It doesn't even need to be money-related. I think the stress has really got to him but it's his own doing, nobody else's. There is a (strong) possibility that I still don't know the full extent of it but I know enough to make me shudder. And you are right, we make mistakes etc and a supportive partner is there to help you through getting things back on track. But from I've found out, DH is a liar with little or no integrity. Now, that's something that I doubt I can live with.

pocketsaviour I am very sorry about the money that you lost and the betrayal. It amazes me how there are so many people out there quite ready to just take advantages of others. No morals, no integrity.

Haha! Probably not the same guy as we did not have kids, mercifully!

It's disheartening to realise there are so many people in the world who are willing to lie and steal. I was absolutely fuming when my ex left, so angry I could barely sleep. However I then found out that OW had chucked him out after 6 weeks and he had a heart attack and ended up in hospital. Couldn't have happened to a nicer guy!

So what do you think you will do now? It doesn't sound like he's exactly committed to resolving the problem, does it?