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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH potentially lied about being single when we started dating...

114 replies

Bananachips2015 · 21/03/2015 16:00

DH married a couple of weeks ago, after just over 2 years together. I always had a feeling that he was seeing somebody or similar when he first started chatting to me but he's always denied it. I've just found a book that was given to him by his ex-gf for his birthday. That was around the time when he was busy buying me endless cups of coffee but 2 weeks before we had our first date and the dedication reads "To my darling... With love, always & forever...". All this time, I've brushed it aside because he was so public about how much he liked me, in front of everyone and anyone including his colleagues and friends. However, this has left a very bitter taste in my mouth.
Thoughts? Would you have come clean? I don't know what I would have done and I fear that DH is always going to be like this, he'll tell a lie provided he can thinks that he can get away with it.

OP posts:
Thisismyfirsttime · 21/03/2015 18:11

Oh dear Sad in that case I think you need a good long chat with him, do you think there's another child?

holdyourown · 21/03/2015 18:13

OP is the only proof of your suspicions about his dating overlap the book from the ex gf? Only you know timescales between when you started dating and his birthday I guess, so it depends. But it sounds like speculation and I as others have said have got cards, pressies etc from ex some time after I've broken up with them, sometimes months after.
The credit rating issues are v worrying and you need to check he has no debts now and why/how he got into debt and ignored it etc, imo.
Not nice for you to find those things so soon after your wedding.

NeedABumChange · 21/03/2015 18:14

I think it would change how I thought about my bf if I found out he was the type to "shop around" whilst still in a relationship. So what if the relationship was on its last legs, after being with someone a year he should have respected her enough to end it before chasing OP.

I do agree though that you really need to investigate all the other things. Some people manage to hide huge amounts of debt for years.

What would happen if you confronted him? Is he the type to tell all and explain all the papers you've found or would he get defensive?

Original poster
Bananachips2015 · 21/03/2015 18:15

Yambabe I was very shocked when I saw the CSA court papers as his ex-wife seems to do anything for him. The fact that their joint property is mentioned on the papers in reference to the court taking possession of it (I can't remember the exact wording and I am not going back in the summer house). It then goes on to name his ex-wife as a person who may be affected by this. However, because the only other person named on the papers is the CSA case officer, I am very puzzled by it all.

OP posts:
NeedABumChange · 21/03/2015 18:17

Hang on... Any chance the book is from the year before? I know you said they'd only dated a year but is it more a case of only serious for a year?

popalot · 21/03/2015 18:20

Close the book, as it were, and move on. He has. With you. Don't let the doubt niggle in so soon into your marriage, because this is about something that happened before you came into his life

Original poster
Bananachips2015 · 21/03/2015 18:23

NeedABumChange no, the date is the same year when we got together. It's got his birthday on it, which was just over two weeks before our first date. Actually, a day later he was buying me a coffee and a Valentines' decorated cake. He hadn't asked me out at that stage but he was most definitely pursuing me. She could have given him the book even though they were already finished.

What a blow!!! The debts, the CSA question mark and the potential lie about the ex-gf. A rather eventful afternoon... Hmm

He would become very defensive and start huffing and puffing, especially if he was on the wrong.

OP posts:
LineRunner · 21/03/2015 18:33

So he huffs and puffs. You still have to talk it through with him.

Viviennemary · 21/03/2015 18:38

I'd just forget all about it. What's the point of digging up a hornets nest. He's married you now and all that's in the past. He wasn't married when he met you was he. So just leave it.

dreamingbohemian · 21/03/2015 18:56

So what? You still have to talk to him about the financial stuff at least.

Twinklestein · 21/03/2015 19:03

He should have told you OP, but to be fair I do think you should have asked him about credit rating and financial history.

I wouldn't personally go into business or marriage with someone without full disclosure of finances past and present, because any credit issues may affect you and you may become liable for their debts.

Original poster
Bananachips2015 · 21/03/2015 19:04

Oh I know! I was answering a question about how he was likely to react. He's away until tomorrow so I've got plenty of time to think about how I am going to handle this one. Where is the wine?!?! Wine

OP posts:
Original poster
Bananachips2015 · 21/03/2015 19:11

Twinklestein Yes, maybe I should have done but I took what I saw for what it was. Nice home, somebody who seems very good at looking after himself (not sure about his wallet though) etc. I didn't disclose my financial history but then I haven't got anything to hide, I've always been very open about having taken a big pay cut when I changed career and he's done the same.

I've been reading up about it and it seems that I am only liable for joint debts, not individual ones. It does impact on the credit searches / credit score of the household though and having read all those court orders and mention of bailiffs, I could have an unpleasant surprise next time somebody comes knocking on our door?!?!

Does anyone have any thoughts on the CSA papers though? That's really worrying me. Can you imagine another child on top of it all???

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 21/03/2015 19:21

Oh good thing you have some time. Don't say anything until you see him in person, so he doesn't have time to make up some crazy story or anything.

The CSA thing is not really clear from what you've said, so you know he has kids but not that he was taken to CSA for maintenance? Or are you under the impression he doesn't have kids?

JoanHicksonMIfive · 21/03/2015 19:27

Can you copy the csa papers and on the copy black out names and addresses? Upload a photo. We could help then.

No idea why the response from pp were so harsh. Trust and truth are very important and I wouldn't like the gf or debts either.

Original poster
Bananachips2015 · 21/03/2015 20:21

First there is a 'Charging Order Application in the XXXXX Country Court' with regards to a hearing "to determine whether the Child Support Agency should be granted charge on the property, for which you hold a beneficial interest, in respect of unpaid maintenance." The judgement debtor (DH) was required to pay £1,995 plus interest; the judgement debtor's interest in the property is a joint owner.

OP posts:
JoanHicksonMIfive · 21/03/2015 20:37

Has he told you he has dc? He has avoided paying csa and they tried to get a charge on a house he has interest in. Basically when it is sold his ex will get that money from his share of the equity when it is sold.

prettywhiteguitar · 21/03/2015 20:45

I would be very shocked to find all this out and I'd be wanting an explanation when he gets back

Original poster
Bananachips2015 · 21/03/2015 21:00

Yes, sorry Joan, I feel a bit 'out of it' as the whole thing has started to hit me.

He's got a child whom he sees religiously. Obviously, I can comment on how things were 4 years ago but from what I've seen and heard (holidays etc), that's always been consistent. What you are saying there makes sense although I also saw a paper in reference to a CSA case which said that his driving licence had been revoked. They are all from around the same dates but I couldn't find the other ones as it's dark in the summer house.

Actually, having gone through the pile of papers that I was able to find, everything dates from around the same period and oh boy, things were messy! I lost count of the number of arrest orders (due to unpaid bills), bailiff warrants etc. I know his decree absolute came through about 3 months after the date on most of those letters so it would make sense that his divorce period was a rather difficult one. Now, more worryingly, I have just taken a look in his work bag and sure enough, there is a bailiff threat letter which was delivered in person (?!?!) only a couple of months ago.

Oh dear God, what have I got myself in?!?!?

OP posts:
Original poster
Bananachips2015 · 21/03/2015 21:17

duh, 'into'!! Blush

OP posts:
JoanHicksonMIfive · 21/03/2015 21:27

You can probably get an annulment, due to him keeping things from you.

My ex was a liar and bad with Money. Your DH is a big time csa refusal to pay arse, sorry.

I would get out now. If he would leave his child short of money he will do worse to you.

wannaBe · 21/03/2015 21:33

So, you find out that your dh had massive debts, arrest warrants, CSA charges, all of that and yet your question on mn is about whether or not it would bother people about some message in a book? Hmm and only drip-fed the rest into the thread after people said that no, actually, it wouldn't? Hmm

Fwiw the fact that your dh might have been with someone else when he started dating you sounds irrelevant really. If he was in a relationship at the time he clearly ended it pretty quickly, something which people would advocate him doing, and then started dating you. If it was a marriage or live-in relationship then I think the new partner should be told, but a casual gf who he didn't want to move in with anyway, I think it's fair enough for him to have ended it and started seeing you at around the same time. He hadn't made any commitments to you at the time he'd ended the relationship with her, and clearly as he was openly with you the relationship must have been over, no?

It is incredibly naive to move in with and marry someone with no idea about their financial situation. You should know all about each other before you get married, not after.

TheWintersmith · 21/03/2015 21:38

Oh I dunno wanna I can totally empathise with her fixating on the possible girlfriend thing rather than the debt and arrest warrants.

In my experience the brain latches onto the one small something it can get a handle on until the big shit sinks in. I've been the same when faced with a whole chunk of staggeringly bad news.

HammerOfTheGods · 21/03/2015 21:44

he should have been honest at the start if he was in a relationship, even if it was in the process of ending or he wanted out

then you could have made the decision whether to start seeing him or not

also can't stand how so many men just stay in relationships till something "better" comes along

it would niggle at me tbh

HammerOfTheGods · 21/03/2015 21:49

oh god just seen the other stuff

jesus

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