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Original poster

DH potentially lied about being single when we started dating...

114 replies

Bananachips2015 · 21/03/2015 16:00

DH married a couple of weeks ago, after just over 2 years together. I always had a feeling that he was seeing somebody or similar when he first started chatting to me but he's always denied it. I've just found a book that was given to him by his ex-gf for his birthday. That was around the time when he was busy buying me endless cups of coffee but 2 weeks before we had our first date and the dedication reads "To my darling... With love, always & forever...". All this time, I've brushed it aside because he was so public about how much he liked me, in front of everyone and anyone including his colleagues and friends. However, this has left a very bitter taste in my mouth.
Thoughts? Would you have come clean? I don't know what I would have done and I fear that DH is always going to be like this, he'll tell a lie provided he can thinks that he can get away with it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bananachips2015 · 21/03/2015 17:16

wow thefecklessfairy that's a tad harsh, no? I came across it this afternoon and I always asked him whether there was somebody else when we first started dating, simply because he'd go a few days without making any contact, etc, which seemed a bit random. He's always denied it so I thought I would post here to see how others would take it.

And yes, there was other stuff which bothered me a hell lot more such as the high number of debt-related court orders, an arrest order (for non-payment of something???), court paper relating to child maintenance (no defendant name anywhere and surprised that his ex-wife would do that as she seems to bend backwards for him), debt collectors' letters... it goes on and on. They are from four years ago and I've never seen anything wrong since we've been together. Should I have asked for a copy of his credit history before marrying him? Unless he's had a personality change and has won the lottery since, I can't see us being able to take out a mortgage in both names.

OP posts:
TheFecklessFairy · 21/03/2015 17:18

You knew all this - yet you still married him 2 weeks ago? Hmmmmmm

And, no, not a 'tad harsh' - just honest.

ShatnersBassoon · 21/03/2015 17:19

Did he tell you about the court debts etc?

Thisismyfirsttime · 21/03/2015 17:22

How long were you together before you married?

Thisismyfirsttime · 21/03/2015 17:23

Sorry, I see you said. When did you find all this out?

SaucyJack · 21/03/2015 17:25

Weird responses. I'd be hugely, massively pissed off if I found out my DP had lied about being single when we started "courting"

Not least because I'd never have gone near him if I'd known he was still seeing someone else. Cheating is a big no in my book.

Original poster
Bananachips2015 · 21/03/2015 17:26

anvilofleibnitz and tiptops - that's how I saw it! Even if you are that keen on the new person, you keep that chat going while you finish with the current person, surely? It's showing respect for both the person you are with and the new one too. Anyway, I don't know whether he finished it before or after we started dating so it's me getting annoyed over a potential lie.

As for the debts, I had absolutely no idea. He drives a nice car, we share expenses and he has always been generous. Because we are both keeping our options open with contracts abroad, we've never had to discuss a joint mortgage and not having any joint debts means that the subject of one's credit history has never come up. I don't believe that I had any way of guessing it!

OP posts:
ShatnersBassoon · 21/03/2015 17:28

So he told you about the debts and legal problems just after getting married?

This seems much more important than if he was hedging his bets when you first went for coffee.

candyce83 · 21/03/2015 17:29

OP I really wonder if people would give you the same harsh advice if they were face to face with you. Ignore.

holdyourown · 21/03/2015 17:31

I'd be way more concerned about the debts. CCJs and particularly arrest warrant Shock than the dating stuff if it were me. I guess you'll have to speak to him about it and why he didn't mention it before you were married. That's an unpleasant thing to come across and bound to make you think he's not who you thought he was, if you had no idea Sad It does sound like he's sorted out financially now though? I hope so.

KaffeOgGulerodsKage · 21/03/2015 17:31

She may have sensed he was slipping away and wrote ''always and forever'' in a book and gave it to him. It sounds like she knew /or might have known, that the relationship was nearly over.

KaffeOgGulerodsKage · 21/03/2015 17:33

The debts would worry me. Wine sorry that's not helpful.

Original poster
Bananachips2015 · 21/03/2015 17:33

thisismyfirsttime this afternoon! Shock

We've got a whole summer house full of stuff (mainly his boxes from when we moved in together last year) and I was clearing out / putting stuff away to take to a car boot sale. The book looked lovely (landscape etc, nothing romantic) so I flicked it open and the couldn't miss the dedication at the start. That was followed by a box full of random old Mens Health magazines and with the bunch of papers stuck in the middle.

SaucyJack I wouldn't either. You get your house in order first, thank you. Like I said, he may have finished it before we had our first date but if not, then it's a massive no-no for me.

OP posts:
Ludways · 21/03/2015 17:33

Sounds like he was dating her casually for a year before he met you and you're someone he didn't want to be casual with, I don't see an issue, tbh.

The debts are something else altogether and I'd want an explanation about that ASAP.

shovetheholly · 21/03/2015 17:34

Awwww, OP, honestly I think you're sweating this too much. You only know from that inscription that she was crazy about him - he clearly wasn't mad about her, or he wouldn't have been buying you coffee! It honestly takes some people a long time to realise that a relationship is over. My ex would send me begging emails for months after I was with DH, and we'd been over a long time thank goodness.

Congratulations on your wedding!

Original poster
Bananachips2015 · 21/03/2015 17:44

shovetheholly thank you!

Agree on the comments ref. the debts being far more worrying... Because the stuff is all from four years ago, I don't think I have any right to question him. He hasn't borrowed money from me, we both pay our way and he never gave me any indication that he's in trouble. However, the high number of letters and the fact that he let things get to such an extent indicates immaturity. And there's the CSA court case...would they threaten to take possession of his house with his ex-wife if the ex-wife was the defendant??? That was what seemed very odd. If she had taken him to the CSA over maintenance payments, would the court consider joint assets? Confused

OP posts:
holdyourown · 21/03/2015 17:48

I think you need to have a chat with him about what you've found OP. It may be that this stuff was going on during his divorce if that happened then- could the divorce have been causing him financial difficulties? You may feel better once you've talked things over with him- otherwise it could fester away? Brew

Original poster
Bananachips2015 · 21/03/2015 17:49

Sorry, if the ex-wife was the claimant!! Hmm

OP posts:
NeedABumChange · 21/03/2015 17:56

Wow I'm really surprised about everyone being really cool with DH potentially making OP his ow. We have no evidence he wasn't shagging them both at the same time!

Twinklestein · 21/03/2015 17:58

I'm not sure why you're worrying about overlap with an ex, when you've got a much bigger issue of his credit history and child maintenance payments.

You have every right to know what went on, particularly if it will affect his credit rating now. That should all have been sorted before you got married, frankly.

glittertits · 21/03/2015 18:01

You do know that you are not boyfriend and girlfriend after 1 date, don't you?

One date means NOTHING. The relationship, trust, faithfulness and commitment comes later.

Original poster
Bananachips2015 · 21/03/2015 18:01

NeedABumChange so am I, especially when people are often very quick to say things like 'dump him', etc. I am pretty certain that he wasn't / didn't, also because it took me absotutely ages to sleep with him by which time he really wouldn't have had the time for somebody else. Wink

OP posts:
Yambabe · 21/03/2015 18:02

Hang on, are you saying you think he has a child that he hasn't told you about? Hmm

If you've just found all this stuff today it needs like you need to sit down for a chat with him pretty sharpish to go through how much past he has that you know nothing about!

dreamingbohemian · 21/03/2015 18:06

I'm really surprised at all the blase responses here

OP I agree with you on the dating thing. If you are at the point where you are chatting someone else up fiercely then clearly the relationship is dead so you might as well break up. I don't think it's a huge crime if he didn't but he did lie to you and that's shady.

The financial stuff is more worrying though. Why on earth do you feel like you can't say anything just because it was from 4 years ago??? As you said, you probably can't get a joint mortgage now, that's a huge deal and you should have been told that before you got married. Also now that you're married you could potentially be liable for debts, wouldn't you want to know your spouse had form for this?

You need to tell him everything you found and find out what the hell his problem is. I would be furious.

Original poster
Bananachips2015 · 21/03/2015 18:08

Twinklestein sorted how if I didn't know about his financial train-wreck of a past? He lived well before we moved in together, has always been in full-time employment (stable job, etc). How could I possibly have guessed and how often do you exchange credit history? Maybe he should have told me that there may be an issue if we are ever to apply for a joint mortgage or any form of credit? But then, as mentioned above, it was around the time of his divorce but, if I am not mistaken, he was also pretty busy travelling to all sorts of cool places??

To turn things around, I doubt the ones here saying that I am being unreasonable about the ex-gf would feel that way if they had been in her shoes. End with me and then start dating somebody else. I deserve that much respect. If that was what he did, of course.

OP posts:
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