DH potentially lied about being single when we started dating...

[Bananachips2015]

DH married a couple of weeks ago, after just over 2 years together. I always had a feeling that he was seeing somebody or similar when he first started chatting to me but he's always denied it. I've just found a book that was given to him by his ex-gf for his birthday. That was around the time when he was busy buying me endless cups of coffee but 2 weeks before we had our first date and the dedication reads "To my darling... With love, always & forever...". All this time, I've brushed it aside because he was so public about how much he liked me, in front of everyone and anyone including his colleagues and friends. However, this has left a very bitter taste in my mouth.
Thoughts? Would you have come clean? I don't know what I would have done and I fear that DH is always going to be like this, he'll tell a lie provided he can thinks that he can get away with it.

I think what happens in the first few weeks of dating is very insignificant. Lots of times, when dating, you're dating several people.

With regards to the book, I was still sending my ex things saying "my darling" after about 3 months in a pathetic bid to win the cheating bastard him back. So again, very insignificant. Even if she said she loved him, it doesn't mean he was still with her.

The book was the starting point and it just went from there. Although most responses were about the ex-gf etc, you will notice that my focus was on the lie. That applies to everything that I found out this afternoon but I must say that it only started to sink in as I was writing here. I am still in shock.

I will take the comment about being naive but don't you expect the other person to be honest?!?!? I am not talking about signing papers without looking, handing over your life-savings or supporting some guy that you barely know. I am talking about somebody I've lived with for over 12 months, and who had never given me any reason to suspect that he may not be solvent. Yes, maybe I have been terribly naive for not asking for a copy of his Experian report but we are talking about very basic information, and you marry somebody on the premises that you believe that you can trust that person - it's the very basic foundation of a relationship. And on that premises, you do expect the other person to disclose any information which may affect you / your future together. And I could have asked endless questions and still be told endless lies, would that have made a difference??

As for his DC, I really don't understand it at all. Having seen how his consistent behaviour since we've been together, it makes no sense whatsoever. He sees his DC religiously, and although I've never asked about his financial arrangements with his ex-wife, he's always buying his DC clothes, paying for things etc. Actually, I now recall telling DH about the painful journey that I went through with my ex-h and how it took me 4 years (and letters to my local MP, CSA etc) to get child maintenance in place (you'd have thought that my ex-h had been forced to become a parent, as opposed to his lottery-winner reaction when we found out that I was pregnant with my DC!). Now thinking of it, his reaction was very angry which really surprised me as he appears to have such an amicable relationship with his ex.

Tut. I'm always late to a party. My phone only loaded the first page of comments. So I post my post, then it helpfully shows me that there's a few more chapters I've missed out on.

Ignore me. Lol.

You just married your ex again op, a different version this time. walk away, LTB.

joan yep. gulp. exh left me penniless, with joint loan and credit cards to pay, and it was between paying it all off by myself or losing my job (in financial services) if I was to go the default / bankruptcy route. It took me almost a decade to recover from it all. It did teach me not to embark on joint financial commitments with anyone, so although I didn't credit-score DH before I married him, I did make a point of keeping finances completely separate and being clear about who pays for what - I know for certain that all bills are up to date and any debts are his and his alone.

Christ, that sounds bad he had kept a bailiff letter from you ? Does it have any details ?

I would be seriously reconsidering bring with someone who could do that knowing your personal history

My ex left me with a 5k credit card and no maintenance and a 4 month old. However 7 years later I have my own business and despite having to look after myself and ds and build everything from
scratch I earn considerably more than him, he who could work whenever he likes, pay no childcare costs and train to do whatever he fancies......

It's all about your attitude and work ethic and that is what concerns me about your dh....secret debt is very, very concerning, a messy divorce not so much although he's not exactly coming out of that smelling of roses, it's in the past. But it's still carrying on now he's just hiding it from you

on the other hand, anvil and OP, overlap sometimes happens. It's a pretty normal thing. Relationships, especially the not even living together sort, often wind down vaguely, without a clear break up discussion. You can't help the timing of when you meet people.

In his mind, not moving in was a clear sign the relationship had no future. Evidently, his gf at the time was in denial about what his unwillingness to move in meant. It's hardly fair to judge him for what she wrote, years ago now.

prettywhiteguitar well done to you!!!
the same here: I rebuilt my finances, my whole life, got on with my career and have achieved loads. In the meantime, exh has achieved absolutely nothing even though he's had all the time and freedom in the world. Pretty incredible, huh?

Now, to the new husband who, two weeks into our blissful marriage, is turning out to be somebody else...

Thank you the same to you !

I wonder if they just see us coming and think we are strong enough and that we will carry them ? Do you think that now about your new dh ? What on earth can he say to you that would explain all this ?

No idea why you got such a shit response here initially, op. The 'grow up' post was a particular low point.

I'd be concerned about the book/dates - bcs you didn't know anyone was in the wings (bcs he didn't tell you!). It's the lie that is the alarming thing, or evasion.

I was going to post that, no, we don't truly know someone after 2 years. But you've found that out...

Poor you. I don't get how his exW is all over him if he's not been paying maintence?? She'd hate him, surely.

No or not yet, but then I haven't tested his ability (or inability ) to run the finances of a household. With exh, I was forever finding out that one bill or another hadn't been paid and I had to keep track of everything.

With DH, he moved in with me as it suited us both best with our new jobs. We've split expenses evenly but nothing that requires DDs or similar to come out of his account. It's happened a couple of times that I've had to remind him to transfer money. I found it very annoying as I have everything set up to go out automatically, but seeing that it was around the time when he changed jobs, I assumed that he was doing things manually in order to keep a closer eye on what was coming in / going out.

It's not that DH needs carrying, he's had a pretty successful career and he runs the household with military precision. I do however think that there's an element of 'needing saving' to him - probably saving him from himself!! - and that some of his choices / actions seem on the destructive side.

springydaffs yes, that's why my initial thought was that it must be another child with somebody else that I am unaware of!

He was with someone much younger at the time when all of that happened. It was a relationship following the breakdown of his marriage and the ex-wife could have done it out of hurt, etc. She hasn't moved on so maybe what happened then with the CSA and the divorce (which she initiated) was driven by anger, whereas what I see now (the apparent eagerness to please) is the 'love' that is still there. No idea.

I've protected my finances but I've failed to protect my heart. Pooh

Bit more than pooh darling. Its devastating

Ok so it's the next day and you might be feeling clearer. The fact that you have a DD should also be taken into account as if you are a good family unit it will hurt her to split but if his debts are out of control it could also effect her.

If you feel like you want to give it a go, go in lightly and have the number of Step Change (free debt counciling service) at the ready so you can deal with it and put both your minds at ease.
If you feel that all these revelations are too much (there are a lot) hit him with it like a tornado, get as many answers as poss and maybe be prepared to stay with a friend for either space to think or if splitting, somewhere to stay while you get your own place.

Many people lie about debts, even to themselves. Only you know what your relationship is like and only you know all the ins and outs of what you found. Do what's right for you and DD.

I disagree with most of the others.

This woman had been dating a bloke for a year. Was very much in love and they were talking about moving in together. Sounds like she thought they were in a committed relationship.

Unknown to her he was off out chasing another woman, buying her coffee and cakes while she was finding a thoughtful birthday present and writing a caring message.

Then he dumped this woman for the better (in his eyes) option.

If OP hadnt come along he may have stayed with this other woman another year or two until the next better thing came along.

While doing this he failed to tell OP that he was at this stage in a relationship.

If he had said to OP he was talking with his year length girlfriend about living together she may have not wanted those coffees with him.

She wasn't given the choice as he kept that he was dating another from her.

Whether he has turned over a new leaf or whether OP may start finding receipts for coffee and cake when things get a little mundane who knows.

Hopefully if is the new leaf for OPs sake and everything she has found is over and done with.

You do need to check if he has anything against the property in case you are at risk if he defaults and where you stand.

Good luck.

It is a shame his behaviour has shaken your view of him.

Oops managed to miss the last page. That is worrying.

Sounds like it is not a new leaf and he is still lying to you.

Sorry OP.

Protect yourself and your stuff fast.

I think there's something funny going on with the website this morning tbh. I wrote out one of my usual far-too-long replies (defending the DH actually!) but fortunately noticed just before hitting "post" that it was the first page of 4 and that most of the stuff was yet to come. So if even more people than usual are just answering the OP instead of RTFT, it may not be their fault.

I still think a few of the replies on p1 were unnecessarily, shall we say, robust, though.

Yes magoria.

It's a basic test of honesty and discipline. I don't trust people who can't be single for a bit.

Even if the DH didn't want to move in immediately, the ex might have been thinking it was on the cards at some point.

Assuming she was in an exclusive relationship, the ex would have been turning down other dates and nice men because the DH didn't have the decency to go "we're both wasting our time here, let's both move on and be single". If she wanted children he took one of her fertility years away.

I've noticed in my broader social circle that with men who won't leave one relationship without another lined up, the new partner struggles later on

Fundamentally, the man thinks women and their lives and schedules are designed to work around the man's needs and whims and feelings.

So even if he isn't taking other women out to coffee, his work schedule or his family are expected to be the centre of his partner's life

She doesn't have any needs of her own because women are inferior creatures who don't have them, and the family unit is designed to revolve around him and his feelings and his desires.

Given that she knows he will move on with no hesitation if her performance is below par, she is on a constant treadmill to make sure his "feelings" don't change.

Woe betide her if he loses those butterflies and stops feeling good (perhaps the partner changes appearance/ages or criticises him) because then another woman will be the one he's looking for to provide them.

About the book, although the word 'love' didn't come up, she did write 'to my darling 'DH'...' so come to think of it, it's likely they were still together two weeks before we had our first date. Oh well, I've got bigger problems than that though.

Right, so the whole thing is a major blow and to top it all up, I have a project report that needs to be finished today. This is my livelihood so I am pushing DH's new found drama aside and focusing on the work. I am so stressed out right now, it's unbelievable.

The main challenge will be to pretend that nothing is wrong when he gets back home... and I've been up since 5am going through the whole thing in my head

Some people have something missing and that's called integrity.

And I agree that it's one of those that people just go along with it while it suits them, and then move on to something more exciting when that comes up. Just like they use others for all other reasons, without a drop of remorse.

Woe betide her if he loses those butterflies and stops feeling good (perhaps the partner changes appearance/ages or criticises him) because then another woman will be the one he's looking for to provide them.

Anyone remember the Chutney thread? [Confused]

OP, why do you need to pretend that nothing's wrong? I would hit him with the lot as soon as he gets in, if I were you. Otherwise you're going to have a sleepless night lying next to someone you can't trust.

Or are you waiting until you can get a credit report? Any chance of a DBS check as well?

The fact that he's had a bailiff come round while you've been living together and yet said nothing is very worrying. That suggests that the problems are ongoing.

Good job you've kept your finances separate but if he's giving your address as his, it could have a knock-on effect on your credit rating too.

I need to pretend that nothing is wrong because potentially I have no idea who he is, how he is going to react or what he is going to do next. I my world pre-yesterday, I thought I knew him and would be confident to sit down and talk. Now, I have no idea so I need time to think.

The DBS check should be ok as he is a teacher.

Sorry, it was a warning letter as opposed to an actual visit but it's all the same. And yes, I had already thought about the impact on my credit rating.

This is crazy, totally bonkers.

You also have to keep quiet today because you have to finish your report I thought? Has to be in tomorrow?