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Original poster

Would you call this sexless marriage? (TMI)

80 replies

howcanisayit · 19/03/2015 18:51

Had to change my name for obvious reasons. This is really embarrassing, but I can't discuss this in real life. Would you call a marriage sexless if it involved oral sex 2-3 times a week, but no PIV? I just realised we did not have a PIV sex for over a year.

OP posts:
Iflyaway · 19/03/2015 18:54

Is it mutual?

Are you happy with it?

If you are, no problem. But it sounds like you are not.

Personally, I wouldn't consider myself having a sex life without PIV in a year if I was in a relationship.

MirandaGoshawk · 19/03/2015 19:02

Not a sexless marriage exactly, but sounds as if not ideal for you. Could you mention to DH that you fancy some PIV? It's hard to get back into something that you haven't done for a long time, but doesn't mean it's impossible, if he's willing to give a bit instead of just taking

firesidechat · 19/03/2015 19:04

I wouldn't if it was unavoidable (health?) but if there was no real reason then I would wonder why and want a bit of a chat. It's not sexless as such, but a bit boring and maybe lacking intimacy.

So my question to you would be, why is this happening and are you happy about it? I assume not.

Annarose2014 · 19/03/2015 19:06

Perhaps its the OP who doesn't fancy anything more.

I wouldn't call it sexless - but it definately falls far short of true sexual intimacy.

tabulahrasa · 19/03/2015 19:08

It doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks or would call it.

Either the people involved are happy with it, or they're not.

Original poster
howcanisayit · 19/03/2015 19:11

It is mutual. I feel like it's my fault. I had faked orgasm for many years until I got enough courage to tell DH that the only way I can orgasm is through oral sex (he always refused to do it before). He was devastated and offered to do it that way, then he decided that it will be only fair if I returned the favour. After a while he stopped doing the PIV as he thinks I don't like it anyway. I tried to explain that it is still important, but he says he always preferred the oral sex, I like it too, so he does not understand what I am complaining about. I just feel like we are living in a sexless marriage, it does not feel natural at all.

OP posts:
WildFlowerWoman · 19/03/2015 19:49

It probably knocked his confidence when you told him that you'd been faking orgasms for years(?) through penetrative sex, so now he thinks the only way to please you is doing oral. Sounds kind of logical doesn't it?

I think you need to take the bull by the horns and show him how he can please you in other ways, including PIV. You may also need to work on his confidence because he's probably worried that he can't please you when you do the PIV. You did say he was devastated didn't you?

The good news is that you are still having a sexual relationship. You just need to do some work (and possibly some talking) to put things right.

SensationalGirl · 20/03/2015 08:41

You must be really good at oral.

And are your telling us you get 2-3 orgasms through oral sex every week? Damn girl! I know you're a bit unsatisfied with your sex life but I'm feeling a bit jealous right now. I need to shake things up a bit at my place.

Onelittleguru · 20/03/2015 08:44

Wow he's pleasing you!! Is that not what it's all about? :)

Rebecca2014 · 20/03/2015 09:04

Okay so he refused to do oral sex on you (selfish) when you admit you can only orgasm through oral sex. He then decides, you two will only have oral sex and you will not have any other form of sex even though you explained you want intercourse.

So he has to control your sex life. I wonder if he is controlling in other ways?

Original poster
howcanisayit · 20/03/2015 15:54

Thank you for the comments. Yes, he is a bit controlling. He also can't stand being criticised. The other thing that bothers me is the fact that he became much more attentive since we stopped having the PIV sex, he compliments me more, sends me nice texts and even bought a few small presents for no reason (he had never done it before). Every time I am trying to talk to him he just gets upset and says I am nagging and looking for an argument. I just want a normal healthy relationship. I know it sounds stupid, but could he be a closet gay?

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 20/03/2015 16:02

...Yes that does sound stupid, sorry.

He now gives you orgasms three times a week, sends you nice texts, gives gifts, compliments you, and you think he might be gay?? Confused

YonicScrewdriver · 20/03/2015 16:04

No, I don't think he's gay.

You could have oral and then PIV, surely?

Original poster
howcanisayit · 20/03/2015 16:06

I just find it very strange that a healthy male will suddenly give up on PIV? I can't understand why he finds it so easy to give up that part of our relationship?

OP posts:
Original poster
howcanisayit · 20/03/2015 16:07

Yonic, that's exactly what I mean, why he does not want to have PIV even for his own satisfaction?

OP posts:
YonicScrewdriver · 20/03/2015 16:12

Erm, well if he is satisfied by oral, I don't think that's odd.

But you'd like to give PIV another go. As he previously found it enjoyable, it's unclear to me why he wouldn't try it again, at least occasionally.

The presents were maybe more because you'd said you weren't satisfied and he was kind of apologising?

SolidGoldBrass · 20/03/2015 17:15

Please bear in mind that some people simply find PIV boring but do it because it is widely percieved as 'proper' sex. Maybe your H is one of these. It might be worth having a chat about whether he is happy with your current sex life or whether there are things he would like to change - but if he is generally controlling it might be worth having a think about how much you really want to stay in the relationship. Because controlling people usually escalate their control over time, which is not healthy.

Original poster
howcanisayit · 20/03/2015 17:56

Thanks for the perspective. He is refusing to talk about it, despite the fact that I had explained that I need to know what is going on. He is a good husband and father otherwise, but I am not sure if I could stay in a sexless marriage indefinitely?

OP posts:
YonicScrewdriver · 20/03/2015 17:57

Refusing to talk about it is crappy.

Are there other things he refuses to discuss?

Original poster
howcanisayit · 20/03/2015 18:04

He got quite "traditional" views, with me being a SAHM, he is in charge of all the bills etc and never likes to discuss mortgage/money/savings. To be honest I am not even sure how much he earns. But on the other hand he always let me go out/spend money they way I want/listens to my opinions on trivial things like decor etc.

OP posts:
YonicScrewdriver · 20/03/2015 18:17

Would he tell you what he earned if you asked?

Original poster
howcanisayit · 20/03/2015 18:34

He gets hostile and says things like don't I provide enough for you? Why are you asking? He told me how much he earns in the beginning of our relationship, but when I asked him again after a few promotions he is getting quite defensive about it.

OP posts:
YonicScrewdriver · 20/03/2015 18:37

And when you say, "aren't I as important as you in this household? Why should you have more information than me if we are equal?" what does he say?

AnyFucker · 20/03/2015 18:41

I consider it completely my business to know what my husband earns as all our money goes into the family pot. Have you never seen a bank statement ? Confused

the sex thing sounds like game playing to me and all about control

Back2Two · 20/03/2015 18:41

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