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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you call this sexless marriage? (TMI)

80 replies

howcanisayit · 19/03/2015 18:51

Had to change my name for obvious reasons. This is really embarrassing, but I can't discuss this in real life. Would you call a marriage sexless if it involved oral sex 2-3 times a week, but no PIV? I just realised we did not have a PIV sex for over a year.

OP posts:
JohnFarleysRuskin · 20/03/2015 21:46

I can't understand pp trying to tell op that all is well.

She feels it isn't. She knows it's his way or no way. I would be anxious about this too op. He doesn't listen to you at all, does he?

Original poster
howcanisayit · 20/03/2015 21:46

AnyFucker, I was thinking about it, but 90% of the time he is quite nice and attentive and I mostly do what I want, so not sure if he is a real control freak or just a bit of a dominant personality.

OP posts:
YonicScrewdriver · 20/03/2015 21:48

You are having sex that you are not particularly happy with?

Can you do that week in week out for the next 40 years and hold on to your soul?

Original poster
howcanisayit · 20/03/2015 21:49

Well, he makes most important decisions himself. He would pretend to listen, but will do it has way anyway.

OP posts:
PoppyField · 20/03/2015 21:50

90% is not enough if 10% is a control nazi.

He is certainly not interested in pleasing you. He is interested in controlling you.

Sorry OP. This bedroom thing is just one example of him calling the shots and not allowing you any say. You making you shut up. The threat is implicit in his moods and refusal to talk.

PoppyField · 20/03/2015 21:51

He is making you shut up.

YonicScrewdriver · 20/03/2015 21:51

So you get lots of say about things that are unimportant to him?

Ok.

What about things that are important to both of you, whether those are schools, cars, house, holidays?

Original poster
howcanisayit · 20/03/2015 21:51

Yonic, that's why I had posted here. I am trying to decide if I can do it for the rest of my life. Or if it's his way to "punish" me for not enjoying the sex when it was on offer. Or maybe he got hurt and feeling insecure and it's just a phase. I really don't know what to think anymore.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 20/03/2015 21:52

I don't have an orgasm through PIV very often

it's a well known fact that many women do not

my H, being a reasonably developed type, knows this

he accepts, and enjoys, the other stuff that does do it for me

he also understands that I can enjoy PIV just for it's own sake

your H is not a flexible or accomodating type, is he ?

it seems like he leaves all the flexibility and accommodating to you

is that ok ?

YonicScrewdriver · 20/03/2015 21:52

Ah, Flowers OP , didn't mean to overwhelm you

Original poster
howcanisayit · 20/03/2015 21:53

I chose DC schools and DH is paying for those. I also choose the holidays. He always chooses the cars.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 20/03/2015 21:54

You are both paying for the schooling, not just him

YonicScrewdriver · 20/03/2015 21:54

My favourite food is Chinese food, it'd be bonkers if DH got it for me three times a week and refused to go for pizza, even though he liked pizza as much as Chinese, just because pizza was my second favourite food.

And it would be ridiculous for him to tell me I don't like pizza.

Would an analogy like that help?

Original poster
howcanisayit · 20/03/2015 21:55

Thanks Yonic, it actually made me look at our relationship from a different angle.

OP posts:
YonicScrewdriver · 20/03/2015 21:55

Do you choose anything together?

Original poster
howcanisayit · 20/03/2015 21:58

Hmm. . Not really. Usually he leaves it to me. He says I know best what's good for the family. But if I try to talk about investments/insurance etc, he says just leave it to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
howcanisayit · 20/03/2015 22:00

He also never lets me drive when we are together or choose wine. But I think most men are like that.

OP posts:
MissSmiley · 20/03/2015 22:05

Most men are not like that.

PoppyField · 20/03/2015 22:05

Noooooo - most men are not like that! Fuck!

PoppyField · 20/03/2015 22:07

Doesn't let you drive? What century are we in?

What happens if you pick him up from somewhere? Does he make you get out so he can drive?

Choosing wine? Your life sounds like a bad seventies sitcom.

YonicScrewdriver · 20/03/2015 22:07

No no no they are not.

DH and I split chores up, sure. But if he wants to know what paint I'm thinking of or I want to know if we might switch mortgage provider, we have a chat, no restrictions.

AnyFucker · 20/03/2015 22:15

Most men are not like that

what circles do you move in ? Confused

Original poster
howcanisayit · 20/03/2015 22:39

He is never forceful about it, it's more like "Sweetie, you know how much I like to drive, would you mind if I'll drive on the way back from the station". Or "Sweetie, let me look at the wine card, I think they got an excellent xxx, you'll love it!" So I don't really find this offencive.

OP posts:
PoppyField · 20/03/2015 22:52

Oh phew that's all right then.

Original poster
howcanisayit · 20/03/2015 22:57

I never had paid too much attention to this behaviour to be honest. Have never bothered me until this thread. But now I start to realise that everything is somewhat connected...

OP posts:
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