Surviving an affair....long overdue update

[LetsGoToTheHills]

Dear Mumsnetters,
Two years ago I posted on here after discovering my husband's affair. I asked you whether we could survive. I had many fantastic suggestions and comments as well as some difficult but insightful questions put to me. We had about 10 counselling sessions immediately, and it's been really hard work but I would say we are, finally, pretty much back to 'normal'. It was a horrible, horrible time, and just thinking about it makes me feel sick, but you all got me on the right path. So thank you to everyone who bothered to post, it did make a difference!

So pleased for you that things are going well,
And selfishly, just what I need to hear right now xx

Letsgo, tell us the story again.

I hope he has learned a lesson from the horrible time he has put you through, best wishes for the future.

Well done Lets. Will you be sticking around?

Letusgo- share your successful story with us newcomers to MN. A few of us struggle to go through the ravages of the affair and rebuild our relationships. There is a support thread for us started not long ago by Human and LostMummy recently posted her and her DH' 'struggles' (OK with the word LM?) 1 year after DD. Good to see that affairs do not necessarily mean the ends of the relationships!

my best friend had an affair , they had invited a friend to come and lodge at their house and she started a long affair, he found out ( it was a good friend of his ) it was very messy , she says he was moody , uninterested in her etc , they worked through it and have been together for many years after and I would say are happier than ever , dont ask me how but it can work x

I echo lostmummy12 x

Here we are lostmummyand mama and any others. This is what happened and what I've learned. It's turned out to be very long...

• Things weren't right for over a year. He was horrible and I was utterly bewildered. In my total ignorance I accused him of treating me as though I'd had an affair. Thought he had depression. Seems guilt causes all sorts of behaviour
• Found a note. Devastated (understatement) yet made perfect sense.
• Oddly, found out the day he left his job where she was, even though said evidence had been sat there for several months
• He was never going to tell me apparently. If so, we'd be divorced by now
• It had ended (by her) a year previously, so there was no 'choose her or me' scenario for us
• I could worry about what would have happened if she had wanted him. But that isn't what happened, so I don't go there
• Total, embarrassing cliche. Colleague (childless, no doubt smartly dressed, dynamic, intelligent...compared with me at home with small children who didn't sleep much. Don't need to describe what that looks like on here!). Away in nice hotels during the week. Apparently she was a bit like how I used to be. Ouch.
• The big betrayal is that I didn't stand a chance to compete with that
• MN provided lots of support, including helping me work through my issues over 'failure' of marriage and fear of being a single mum. Realised that if I was going to make it work it couldn't be through fear of those things.
• Someone here suggested 'Not Just Friends' by Shirley Glass. Really helpful. Recognised ourselves. Is it pathetic or comforting to be so bloody unoriginal??
• Decided to tell people. I feel that there's far too much secrecy about marriage and far too much pretending to have a perfect home life. Turns out loads of people have problems!
• Made him tell his family. Felt it was important he should have to actually say what he'd done.
• He didn't appear to care much about our future at this point
• I refused trial separation, a) because I felt it would lead us down a dangerous route, and b) because I didn't want to cause upset to the children
• Had loads of counselling. Sorted through years of issues and resentments. Put it all to bed. No more arguing about the same thing over and over
• He began to take responsibility and stopped saying 'it just happened' (bollocks!) or even worse, blaming me!
• We got to the point where we genuinely felt that we could separate as friends and coparent amicably
• He began to feel regret.
• Whilst in no way judging me, my mum said to words to the effect of 'You need to be able to turn round to your children aged 20 and say "I did everything I could"'
• I did it for them. Pre-children there is no way I'd have stuck around and put up with that.
• It been a slow rebuild ever since. Two steps forward, one step back. We are now at a point where we have learned to be more accepting, appreciative and courteous with each other. This was missing in the period after kids/before the affair.
• After two years we say I love you again, sometimes. Do not use our old pet names. I think they've gone with our innocence. Our lost innocence is what makes me feel incredibly sad.
• The affair was a symptom. Which made things a hell of a lot worse
• The affair was a catalyst. We had to go back years and sort it all out and reach a new understanding, and hopefully find a new way of being together
• We have been through many times when one of us just wants to throw the towel in, but never at the same time
• He is ultimately a good, loving, decent person who messed up big time. Out of respect for what we had had, we had to give it our best shot
• It was/is not about her. He created this. I don't know what she looks like. Half curious about details (how often, where, for how long), but more knowledge would only be more pain for me. Not a helpful place to go. This is the part that makes me feel physically sick, even now.
• Although he regularly says sorry, I would still like more gratitude from him that I held us together when he didn't seem bothered.
• Protecting my children from this was utterly exhausting. I don't know how much they picked up on.
• As someone said, separation is definitely easier short term, but I hope that this will pay of long term. Over a marriage, these 4 years will just be a blip
• I have done a bit to feel good and independently of him and the children (friends, work, volunteering, exercise), and this has helped
• A marriage is like a basket of love and goodwill. There are times when it's full, and times when it's all used up and empty. For me our marriage vows are the weave in the bottoman of the basket, and sometimes that's all there is left. An affair happens when the basket's empty, but it also breaks the basket. It's a hell of a repair job
• After speaking with friends, some of the niggles I have attributed to the affair (no romance, passion, feeling that someone's really into you) are probably just down to being together for a long time and having a young family. Must not seek perfection!

I think that's it, hope it helps someone out there. If nothing else, it's been good for me to get it all down.

Thank you for taking time to write your journey through hell and back. I admire the openness. I agree that there is too much shame associated with affairs. The betrayer must accept that he is guilty and try to atone his mistakes and we must be able to accept him in his flaws and help him rebuild himself. You are extremely wise. Your mums words are also very wise. You do all you can for your kids sake and the affair will eventually be just a blip in your marriage texture. I also project ourselves in the future: the kids in their adult life with us parents to help them overcome their problems and maybe the grandchildren with two loving grandparents. It helps. The affair is just a tiny little shadow in the complex canvas of life and growth. Once more: thank you.

Letsgo, Ive read your post a few times because the first time I read it I thought to myself this lady doesnt sound very happy, and its something I still feel after reading it twice more.

It all sounds very sad and all because you mistakenly think that separation is easier in the short term.

You sound as if you've settled, settled for a marriage where you hardly ever say to each other 'I love you', and where you've found a convenient excuse for (no romance, passion, feeling that someone's really into you)

To be frank your marriage comes across as being half dead, and you sound resigned to also feeling half dead. One day there will be no young children to blame on (no romance, passion, feeling that someone's really into you) and for sure that is when you will wonder where you're life went and why you settled for (no romance, passion, feeling that someone's really into you)

And please don't think you're children wont grow up knowing something went on, or mum and dad aren't that close because they will, they'll notice your marriage and you are doing them a great disservice by presenting it to them as to what marriage is, as well as what being happy is.

I can recall my children saying to me - it was good you eventually decided to separate mama because we can now make new memories of you as the woman you once were. We wont have to sit years from now feeling sad because although you tried to make a go of it you were obviously not making it, and life was passing you by. In fact its just yesterday my middle child, my 31 year old son said to me - Im so proud of you ma, you just don't know how proud I am.

And I would just like to add that separation or divorce doesn't mean you have to move on to someone else, I certainly don't intend to. It's more than possible to be on your own and be happy.

Life really is too short for settling and for feeling resigned to no romance, passion, feeling that someone's really into you) . You deserve more than this, your children deserve more, and to be honest - so does your husband even though what he did was horrible.

I separated after being married for 36 years and like you I also made excuses for a lot rather than face what was actually going on.

mama I'm glad it helped! Weebirdie, that's really interesting. In fact I am happy now, but I don't think any marriage is perfect whether there has been infidelity or not. So many problems seem to come from expecting perfection from one person. For me it was important to feel able to separate, the knowledge that I could do it gave me strength. We do love each other, but it's hard to say it when you have felt vulnerable for so long. We are getting there! Also, I suppose I didn't want my message to be 'we had counselling and worked it out, now it's all fine'. I wanted to be clear that it's hard work and painful, but that it can be done. When I came on here two years ago, I was looking for this sort of story. Can and how do we get through this crisis with my dignity intact? Do we even have a chance? What will the process be like? How long will it take? I wanted to answer those questions for anyone else who might be looking for a bit of hope.

Wow, Lets thank you so much for sharing your story; warts and all. It is a very realistic and searingly honest account of the journey you are on. I really admire you and wish you all the best. Am sure your experience will be a great help to many on here.

Do you ever wonder what would have happened if you hadn't listened to your mum?

I'm afraid you don't come across at all happy.

Just wanted to say thank you for sharing your story. There is a lot of LTB threads on mumsnet and whilst that is the appropriate reaction in some cases, the world is not black and white and it is nice to see that marriages can recover from very difficult times.

A marriage is like a basket of love and goodwill. There are times when it's full, and times when it's all used up and empty. For me our marriage vows are the weave in the bottoman of the basket, and sometimes that's all there is left. An affair happens when the basket's empty, but it also breaks the basket. It's a hell of a repair job

This is amazing - and has been in tears. I am in a similar position, but in some ways not as far along. I can identify with much of what you have shared.

Thank-you

I agree MsMittens about the LTB advice. I got a lot of it, and while the support showed me what was and wasn't reasonable, I knew it wasn't the appropriate route for my situation. JeanSeberg, maybe we hear the advice we want to! I am genuinely happy now, but writing that took me back to a difficult time, which may be why I come across as unhappy.

I hate the stay for the kids sake, especially when you are the injured party and have done FA wrong - it's not the right attitude at all, it's harking back to the good old days where men were free to shag about and there was never a consequence.

Good for you OP for being able to stay with him, the trust is still broken though and will never be gotten back, he ruined that, you were innocent, he wasn't. We all take each other for granted at times and wonder what if, actually putting your thoughts into actions are a completely different ball game - to me it shows a complete lack of self control or true love for that other person you are lying and deceiving.

The fact he didn't even seem bothered and it was you that held you both together makes me mad too, why is up to the poor women to make things right, when the man is the weak coward in it all.

I would never, ever forgive any kind of infidelity and I am not even married. I know when kids are on the scene it makes it very difficult to walk away, just makes me mad and sad at the same time that the woman has to put up and forgive.

And yes, as you can probably tell I've been affected by the fall out from an affair, my own father - that and my friends/acquaintances who were/are married all cheating on each other - hence, moi, never married.

Sorry if I come across biased, I am.

JAN45- believe it also sadden and madden us mums and dads to have to deal with adulterers. However look at it that way:
1- Partners (men and female as well) are betrayed- almost equally. They say that up to 3% USA children born into families are the fruit of an extramarital affair of the mum!
2- mums/dads who stay with the betrayer and fight to keep the marriage together have to be lauded and admired. The 'betrayers' might either be the weak cowards you called them or tormented 'sinners' (oh yes some of them do repent and might even drag the cross of their sin for ever even when they have been forgiven by their partner.) Why should the innocent partner be ashamed that he/she is holding it together?
I am sorry for your bad experience. Thank you for your honesty

I'm another one who hates that you need to justify that 'you did everything you could' - why was it up to you? An affair is perfectly reasonable and justifiable means to leave a marriage - you cannot heal that. And you shouldn't be expected to, 'for the sake of the children'.

I'm glad you are 'happy' now - do you think you would not be happy now, if you'd taken the divorce route?

Regardless of statistics, I still think it's the woman who feels the need to keep the family together, hide the shame and take the blame - more often than men do.

'saddens' 'maddens'- Pardon my English.
Another thing Jan45:
Some of us spouses feel that 'marriages' or 'pacts' are forever- as 'Letusgo' put it beautifully: our vows are the 'weaves' of the basket. Throwing away this basket is a collective punishment- especially when kids are involved. Even when they are not involved it might mean throwing away a big nice chunk of our life/memory. I do not think that the ones who tried to break up this basket and did not manage are the ones who have it all. Society might glorify him/her (I am not sure). What is sure is that quite often society shames the betrayed one- especially when he/she does not LTB. Of course there are partnerships where the basket is poorly weaved from the start. The betrayed partner feels that it is not mending it and for him/her keeping it is just keeping a load of bad memories . In such cases it is OK to just leave it (LTB) and move forward. Everyone decides for him(her)self when the basket is too rotten/broken for him/her to fix it and when he/she can/want to fix it. We must be more tolerant.
I do hope Jan45 that you live your life to the full- and that the cheating that went around you did not live you a bitter taste for life. My sister is single- no kids- no fixed partner and she is absolutely happy/content. (Our parents never cheated; they are great and wonderful people).
Letusgo: again thank you for your detailed journey to recovery. You reached your aims- at least with me: I want to keep my family together despite the tsunami 'affair' and I see clearly your struggles, your sinuous progress and how you went to hell and came back from it -slowly but surely- with dignity. I did not detect any sadness as such in your story- I did detect a determination to make the best of what you have. Excellent lesson to your kids and to me. I feel that your attitude is the attitude I want to adopt in my life in order for me to reach a deeper contentment and happiness. You are my model. Thank you.

I've hardly ever been single, have and currently am in a very long term relationship, I am not bitter but realistic, I saw my dad cheat, and I saw most of my friends and acquaintances cheat so I base my opinion on that - never mind baskets, what happened to the marriage vow of staying faithful?

Thankyou for sharing this. It gives those of us struggling a lot of hope. My DP had a breakdown/midlife crisid, call at what you want last year. Prior to this we had been drifting apart for about 18months/2 years, baby no 3 did/does not sleep, work, business, family pressure etc etc.

My DP had a one night stand. It didn't get as far as intercourse but bad enough. I contacted the OW who told me to "get over it, it was only a drunken snog" !!! 6 weeks later the guilt broke him down. Even when it came out he couldn't admit exactly what he had done for nearly 3 months as he felt so ashamed.

The feelings of worthlessness, rejection, self doubt after betrayal are dreadful, but eventualy you come to realise that it is not about you, its how they felt about themselves. Once this sinks in I think the healing process starts Like you, the worst thing for me now is the sadness that it can never go back and sadness that we didn't spot how far we had drifted before it got so dangerous.

We are 5 month on, counseling has helped and we do still have wobbly patches, last weekend for example, my DD birthday and I couldn't help remembering how happy we were when she was born, I would have never dreamt in a million years that this would have happened.

I too have used this as an opportunity to look at myself and do some things for my self development. As a couple we are getting on so much better. We communicate, appreciate and are kind to each other. Everything else then fits into place. We are rediscovering romance and excitement. I think it is important to recognise that it can't be champagne, roses and all night sessions when you have children, but you can make the most of what opportunities arise ;). This has been a terrible experience, but hopefuly we both have the confidence to spot if we begin to drift again, to communicate our feelings and prevent anything like this happening again.

I think that there is so much pressure to be perfect, have the perfect figure, house, children, career and relationship. We all have our flaws and make mistakes. Its how we deal with them that counts. If he did it again -well he would be out out his ear and I would manage perfectly well on my own.

I think you sound happy and show great strength getting through this. I wish you and your family every happiness for the future.

Mama and Lotsof, I think we are on the same page here. I feel like I've shown more strength by staying and demanding change. It's about holding your head high and not feeling like you're being a pushover, saying 'this is your only chance, it will never happen again' and never letting your relationship get to that 'dangerous place' ever again. I have tried to be dignified, and I feel proud of myself. I have learnt a lot about relationships, and about myself.

Ptumbi, I am pretty sure I would be happy now, if we'd taken the divorce route. I got myself to that point so I stayed through choice rather than fear of the unknown. I know I don't need him, but I chose him.

Jan45, I think there's a huge difference between settling/tolerating a miserable situation for the sake of the kids, and committing to fixing something for the sake of the kids. They gave us the initial impetus to work at it when we were both rather disinclined! You and others are perfectly right that the former is not acceptable.