Ive been contributing to this thread but Ive now namedchanged for this post for the sake of the children involved.
Ma, my husband also had a child with the OW, he has a child the same age as youngest grandchild. And yes like you I was also for having the little one to live with us but then I realised that I was so desperate for me and my children to be his family, his proper family, 'the family' that I was actually advocating a child being taken from his mum and brought to me and mine just to prove a point. And what a point to have to prove eh.
As it is I have no idea what the situation now is between my husband and the woman who is in fact the same age as one of our daughter. I suspect the wee one is in a very far away country and that his mum sometimes visits my husband in a country not far from here - I know this because immigration issues would make anything else possible. But you know what, I dont care. I dont even care that it took out separation for my husband to see his son for the first time - he was about 3 I think and as much as it has hurt in the past I would rather he had contact with the wee one than not because it is never the childs fault. My husband not doing anything (apart from pay very good maintenance) to forge a relationship with his child didnt say anything good about him and it certainly didnt say to me 'oh see how much he loves '.
Ive read your posts for a few weeks now and each one has left me thinking you have intellectualised so much and you think you are so much at ease with whats gone on yet you continually have to spout vile things about the other woman, the crazy fucker, you were wiling to take a child from for the sake of your pride and desire to be 'the family'.
And just for good measure, over the last 4 years Ive been contacted by 3 half siblings all born to different mothers during the course of my parents 14 year marriage. One of them is an alcoholic and i can no longer have her in my life, one was upset by what her search unfolded and she has gone to ground, but the other - well no one would ever know we have only known each other for 3 years. We are brother and sister in every sense of the word and our families are all very close - even my beloved stepfather who brought me up can come here on holiday and at the same time as my brother and his family.
As it happens my children have no intention of wanting to meet their half brother but they know if they want to I wont stand in their way. There reasons for not wanting to are very simple - because we'll never put the seal of approval on you being called a bitch by his mum and anything to do with our brother would be doing just that. And that did happen. I was in bed on my wedding anniversary and the woman/girl phoned me and called me a bitch. Im sure in time my children might change their mind and I have absolutely no intention of bad mouthing their brothers mother to them, and not just because she doesn't need my help in that, and one thing else is for sure - any bile spouted at her is bile that my husband is equally deserving of. It takes to to tango and they are as bad as each other just as your husband and the mother of his youngest child are.