Surviving an affair....long overdue update

[LetsGoToTheHills]

Dear Mumsnetters,
Two years ago I posted on here after discovering my husband's affair. I asked you whether we could survive. I had many fantastic suggestions and comments as well as some difficult but insightful questions put to me. We had about 10 counselling sessions immediately, and it's been really hard work but I would say we are, finally, pretty much back to 'normal'. It was a horrible, horrible time, and just thinking about it makes me feel sick, but you all got me on the right path. So thank you to everyone who bothered to post, it did make a difference!

Beer, he has to work v hard.

Child, I am sorry you went through this.
Times have changed. If you carefully read the posts you will see that the betrayer has to understand the enormity of what he/she did, to show true repentance and to work hard to win our forgiveness. In the old days betrayed spouses remained in the relationship for the sake of the kids- without any hard work and any real repentance from the betrayer. I agree that must have been a hell of an environment to grow in as a child. As we pointed out, the kids MIGHT be the INITIAL driving force to give a second chance to the betrayer but what eventually leads to healing is the (wonderful) changes in the betrayer's behavior. (Sometimes there are no kids involved and it is still better to go on the recovery path than on new relationships). In success stories he/she becomes a better parent and a better partner. A win/win situation.
In my case the older kids know about the story. Their dad apologized to them. They told us: we accept whatever you decide to do, and we will love each of you and both of you deeply regardless of what you will do.
Comes Summer holidays and the little ones will know. They know he had an affair- but they do not yet know yet they have a little half-sister. We want to be able to be with them in a relaxed setting when we disclose this to them. They will want to know her, and we will have to explain them the complexity of the situation.

Like you Jones, my H told me : ''I do not ask you to forgive me, because what I did cannot be forgiven. It is disgusting. I just ask you to allow me to do whatever I can to help you heal. If you want to have another relationship I will be behind you. I will be with the little ones so that you are free to have a new life. Just allow me to be close to all of you. I will do whatever you want, my only red line is the little girl. She is an innocent. She deserves a loving and supportive dad.'' And he suffers because of what he did to me, and he suffers because the OW would not allow him to be with his daughter unless she is present in these meetings (she still loves him and she is too afraid that he will reveal the little one that he is a married of 4- But we will not do it unless the mum cooperates and unless the conditions are right. We do love this little one. Is not it horrible for her to be raised in deceit, as if she has to be ashamed of who she is? We know about an affair kid who grew knowing she is an affair child, and she loves her dad and her dad is a good family man to his original family and a good father to her. I do not know the affair kid personally but I hope I will meet her soon when I visit Germany.) He does not want the OW to be present when he meets the little one. His decision. Not mine. I am not afraid he will go with her again. I am not jealous of her. I do have compassion for the little one and for my H. I do fully trust him. Like you Jones, I forgave him but he does not yet know it. (My daughter know it- but I want the changes to be strongly ingrained in him- even if in my case they started years before DD. He ceased the affair years ago and undertook to be the best he could be with us- without neglecting the little one. We have noticed the wonderful changes- and I was falling in love with him again until DD...He suffered as hell during these years of deceit and he is still tormented. )

Beer
In the first stages I went ballistic- my emotions were a roller-coaster.
Know it is OK. Know also that in the first stages the onus is on the betrayer to show true repentance by his/her patience and deeds.
A book that helped us a lot (both of you have to read- him to know what to do to win your forgiveness, and you so that you can guide him):
'How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair' by Linda J. MacDonald'.
We are here for you! Good Luck!

Thanks Jones for understanding (there must be people in RL in the same situation, we just don't always know who they are!), and everyone else who has made supportive comments. Beer, wishing you luck and strength. It is possible to survive this, if you both want it.

LetsGo, nice to see you here. About this book you mentioned: 'Not Just Friends'. Is that very helpful? You know since DD (more than 7 months ago) there is no physical contact between us (up to the two events at the start when I was hysterical and hit him- no sex.) He does not pressurize and even think that it might be that sexually I am done with him. He does not know that this is not correct. The problem: I am a wild girl and jump to bed on the first date if I am attracted to my date. Sex is not some merchandise for me- not a reward and not an incentive. I want it, he wants it then we get it. Full stop. True enough I am not that sexually attracted to him - now. I think it has to do with the fact that I have a very rich/busy life as a SAHM and I do not need sex. It might also have to do with the fact that DD came when I was just madly falling in love with him again. (On his own he broke off with her without neglecting the child- and tremendously improved his behavior - years ago- before DD). So I have to get over it. He does not say this and does not even think it. I say it to myself. From a nice lady around I understand that rebuilding intimacy must be a 'leap of fate', an inner emotional decision- I am not anymore a wild young woman and maybe it is a bit unfair that he does all I want, that he improved quite a lot (he has always been good-hearted and helps a lot of people, but he is better with the kids and with accepting blame and with communicating and with giving me the full freedom I relinquish and with a million of little things...) and yet I am just uninterested in him as a possible 'date'(a the start when I want to a dating site-interesting to hear what men have to say about this- he asked me whether I would date him if he was on this site as well. Cute. People who work with him/for him love him to bits. His exes love him. Not the OW- she is in love with him, different). I am a mother and a woman and he is the best for me. From all points of view. So I got to start moving toward him. In my mind I started. No hurry. Funnily enough the LTBs ladies around here with their strong desire to push me out of recovery and, with what they thought was their strongest argument of why they would have not undertaken that route (fixation on his penis/her bums/their vagina etc) helped me to re-consider building intimacy with him. Now do you think that the book might help me? Another thing LetUsGo I will turn to you at some stage in the future on how be a more efficient SAHM. Thank you for everything you did for me. You were willing to be open and honestly share your success story without embellishing it and you were viciously attacked for that. I am grateful to you for everything- and I admire you. I will try to emulate your generosity of mind and heart, and your mature and honest behavior. Have a nice week LetUsGo.

For you MrsMop
LetUsGoToTheHills has given us a honest, detailed, wonderful (contagious even) and empowering account of the emotional, obstinate and courageous battles that she led in her quest to rebuild her marriage (primarily for the sake of the kids). Here and there along the fights, little battles were lost and even faith in success wavered but she and her partner eventually won the battle. It is worth reading her long second post. Inspiring and empowering. Good Luck

All the best, LetsGo and Mama. What you did took courage and self-sacrifice.

FWIW I am child of parents who were unhappy in their marriage who stayed together for the children. My father was serially unfaithful but eventually reined it in. My parents are still together. My family intact. You cannot imagine how grateful I am to them that they did not do the knee jerk thing when I was growing up and needed the stability.

It was not a toxic environment at home because my father was a busy man and away a lot. He also saw it as his fundamental duty to provide for the family.

Thank you very much Blueshoes! Your post is very empowering. I hope all is well with you, your mum and siblings.
Happy Easter!