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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

EXH threatening message

95 replies

forumdonkey · 16/03/2015 06:41

My exh was arrested and charged nearly 8 years ago for assault on me. It wasn't the first time, there was numerous including him punching me so hard I lost a tooth.

Fast forward to this weekend. I have been NC for a few years as my DC's are 18 and 20 years old now. He has sent my eldest a message which basically says how much he hates me and he's going to get even with me.

WWYD??

OP posts:
BIWI · 16/03/2015 06:42

Police?

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 16/03/2015 06:42

Report it to the police please Flowers

MythicalKings · 16/03/2015 06:43

Police. Don't hesitate.

MinceSpy · 16/03/2015 06:44

Speak to the police. This needs dealing with.

Original poster
forumdonkey · 16/03/2015 06:46

Wow thanks for you very quick replies.

That was my thoughts too but my hesitation was my DS who he sent it to and involving him. I don't want him taking it out on him

OP posts:
zippey · 16/03/2015 07:00

It's a shame to get your child involved but it's your ex who has precipitated the involvement and reporting to the police might show your child the correct way of dealing with threats should he or she receive any themselves.

Four125 · 16/03/2015 07:11

I'm sorry your DS will be involved but it will be worse for your son if your ex makes good on his threat.

Police.

MinceSpy · 16/03/2015 07:15

Sadly your son is involved, his father made the choice to send the message to him.

Heckler · 16/03/2015 07:17

Absolutely the police. You didn't involve your son, he did.

MrsKCastle · 16/03/2015 07:18

Yes, police. It was your ex who involved your son, not you. And your son chose to show you the text- he obviously understands how serious it is.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/03/2015 07:20

I agree to contact the police. Does your DS know the truth of his father's behaviour in the past? Hope he sticks up for you.

Original poster
forumdonkey · 16/03/2015 07:22

It's very hard because I know my exh and he will look to blame anyone but won't take responsibility for anything he's done - he'll blame his own DS for telling me. I worry how this will affect my DS if he does. In the message he blames me for the fact he isn't with his DC's as if I just dissolved the marriage for no reason not the fact he'd previously kicked the shit out of me and our home.

I have never limited contact with the DC's and for the last few years they have been old enough to sort themselves and their contact out.

It's been nearly 8 years and I am baffled where this has all come from.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/03/2015 07:28

Your ex is an angry, impotent man. There will be something pissing him off, or his life's not going so well, so he's lashing out and your family are an easy target. Aggressive attention seeking behaviour. Feel better by making others feel bad....

I think you need to talk to your DS about bullying, manipulation, the seriousness of threats & domestic abuse generally. Tell him you'll be passing this onto the poilce. He's an adult, even if he's a young one, and it's important that he doesn't feel intimidated.

Original poster
forumdonkey · 16/03/2015 07:28

My DS told me about the message but didn't want to show me. I just logged on to his FB to take a picture - he knows I have and would.

Both DC's witnessed it all and over the years we have talked it through extensively. The problem with EA and DV it creates fear (even if it is underlying) and although he has said go to the police he will be left to deal with the fall out from it and all his DF's EA.

OP posts:
Original poster
forumdonkey · 16/03/2015 07:36

I'm not even sure the police will do anything or take it seriously. My exh headbutted me in the street in front of my friend one afternoon and it took them 2 days to respond to that 999 call and after I'd reported his final assault which he was charged with they wanted to let him come home!!

My heads a mess with it all again.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/03/2015 07:52

Do not let the ex get away with such behaviour. What if he sends further messages like this?. He is likely counting on you not to do anything like reporting this out of fear anyway. Prove him wrong.

Your ex by sending such a message has committed a criminal offence. Times have changed and you may well find the police to be far more helpful towards you these days.

georgepigsdinosaur · 16/03/2015 07:56

What exactly did the message say? The wording is important to see if there are any offences there

CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/03/2015 08:00

I'm sorry you had a bad experience with the police in the past. Don't know how long ago that was but suggest you persevere. 101 is the non emergency number and you can ask to speak to the DV unit. Explain about the threat, ask their advice and treat it as a potential resuming of harassment rather than an acute emergency.

You mention fear. Fear is how bullies stay in power. If all of you do nothing for fear of this man's reaction, he will be encouraged and it's likely to get worse.

georgepigsdinosaur · 16/03/2015 08:36

How is it a "resuming of harassment"? Where does the op mention harassment previously?

AnyFucker · 16/03/2015 08:45

George, was that a serious question ?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/03/2015 08:47

"Where does the op mention harassment previously?"

They mention years of emotional abuse, domestic violence and numerous assaults .. Hmm This is dangerous man.

georgepigsdinosaur · 16/03/2015 08:51

Yep, there may have been. That doesn't come under harassment legislation though.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/03/2015 08:58

Whether harassment is the right legal term or not is not the issue. This man has a history of violent criminal behaviour towards the OP coupled with emotionally abusive bullying behaviour (which is not yet a crime but is soon to be). He is now making threats to 'get even' which in isolation may constitute nothing. However, in the context of his previous offences, it is significant.

georgepigsdinosaur · 16/03/2015 09:05

Well it is an issue if that is what you are telling the op to report!

His violent previous behaviour would have an impact on the risk assessment the police will carry out, but it wont change whether the message sent on social media constitutes an offence or not

CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/03/2015 09:11

It's not up to the OP to decide if an offence has been committed. It's in their interest, however, to flag up that this threat has been received.