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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

EXH threatening message

95 replies

forumdonkey · 16/03/2015 06:41

My exh was arrested and charged nearly 8 years ago for assault on me. It wasn't the first time, there was numerous including him punching me so hard I lost a tooth.

Fast forward to this weekend. I have been NC for a few years as my DC's are 18 and 20 years old now. He has sent my eldest a message which basically says how much he hates me and he's going to get even with me.

WWYD??

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/03/2015 09:55

Juvenile? Domestic violence is a lot of things but it's not 'juvenile'. Hmm The OP has done extremely well to extricate herself from this man, get beyond the traumatic assaults, make a new life and bring up her DCs. This threat out of the blue is a nasty reminder that this man still thinks it's OK to cause her anxiety and fear.

Has to be nipped in the bud

BIWI · 16/03/2015 09:56

I can understand the need to be very specific about what has been said, so that the police can be given an accurate and detailed report.

But to describe this as juvenile. Really?

georgepig - what exactly is your agenda here? Are you here to help the OP in any way? What would you advise that she does, given that she is now frightened by this, and given her history with her ExH of emotional and physical abuse?

Edieblizzard · 16/03/2015 09:58

Second the idea of a non-molestation order with a strict no contact in any form (direct or indirect) clause. Good luck poster - try not to let this man de-rail you.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/03/2015 09:58

"What are posters advocating the police expecting them to do?"

Acknowledge the threat. Give the OP reassurance or advice on how to stay safe. Ask the OP to keep a record of any subsequent threats or other worrying behaviour. Put the threat on record so that, if anything does happen, they already have the information.

Who do you think should sort it out georgepigsdinosaur?

dollius · 16/03/2015 09:58

Juvenile? Bloody hell, now I've heard it all. Woman with ex who beat the shit out of her and headbutted her in the street in front of another person is frightened because he has started sending threatening messages about her to her son. And she is juvenile???

Of course she should log it with the police. Then if he does come round kicking off, they will already be aware and will make it a priority to get to her.

OP, why don't you call the policy DV team and ask for advice on what to do in this situation?

AvonCallingBarksdale · 16/03/2015 10:01

Georgepig, are you in the police? I'm interested in your apparent knowledge of what the police would and wouldn't be interested in dealing with.
The ex has said, via their DS, how much he hates the OP and how he is going to get even with her. He has form for punching and head butting her. He has previously been charged with assault. George, I'm struggling to see why you are suggesting that this is not a matter for police interest. Confused

AvonCallingBarksdale · 16/03/2015 10:02

OP. I would contact the police on 101 and explain all this to them and get the call logged.

NamesNick · 16/03/2015 10:04

You know that way when 100 decent things can be cancelled out by one bad thing...

The sad thing here is that despite the majority of advice being to register any threatening behaviour with the authorities, I fear the OP will read the word 'juvenile' and not come back to this thread after feeling belittled by one poster

OP, if you do come back, please take your concern to the police. They may or may not be able to assist (this is for them to decide) but you cannot do nothing. He sounds like an awful man and he must not be allowed to continue with these threats if he gets away with this one after the 8 years you've been apart.

This man needs to know that you will not stand for anymore of his shitty behaviour

PamDooveOrangeJoof · 16/03/2015 10:07

Looking at Georgepigs past posts it does look like they work for the police in some capacity. They always pop up on threads telling people not to call the police. Bit worrying if they do work for the police!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/03/2015 10:08

A woman-hating police officer that thinks DV is some silly juvenile matter? Does such a thing exist?....Hmm

TurnItIn · 16/03/2015 10:14

Yes, advance searching is enlightening indeed.

LuisSuarezTeeth · 16/03/2015 10:18

Georgepig does not like the police to be called ever for anything. Is the name a coincidence? Ignore it OP

Lweji · 16/03/2015 10:22

Just adding to the good advice about the police that this message was actually abusive towards your DS as well. This was meant to upset him and frighten him for you.

There are two victims here: him and you.

Lweji · 16/03/2015 10:30

also ignore the trolls

ilovelamp82 · 16/03/2015 11:39

It's sad that he has involved your DS. But that is all the more reason to call the police and show your DS that it is unacceptable behaviour and that it has consequences.

He needs to know that rather than living in fear that there are people that can protect him and his mother from threatening behaviour.

forumdonkey · 16/03/2015 12:12

I'm just at work so only had a quick chance to check up via my phone. I will respond to posts directly later after work.

George is not my ex as punctuation and grammar too good. It may well be that what he (?) is saying is correct and they will feel my report a waste of their time. My personal experience of the DV and the police is very much this attitude.

I would ask George if it had been a random assault rather than DV would that be considered differently, more of a threat? Serious question btw

OP posts:
Lweji · 16/03/2015 12:15

I hope that police attitude's towards DV have changed a bit over these last 8 years.
They may well have a dedicated DV unit, and you could try and reach them rather than a random officer.

mummytime · 16/03/2015 14:02

The attitude in my area to DV has changed - and I would definitely call. There is more understanding that little events like this can be warnings.

Nomama · 16/03/2015 19:53

You only have to think back a little while to remember the police exhorting women to report threatening exes... there are lots of sad stories from this who don't... leading to another senior officer making a tv plea for people who suffer from DV, stalking etc to report renewed threats.

OP, do report this, use 101, they may or may not do anything immediately, but you need to take care of yourself, defend from what your ex might do. He may be all bluff, but he may not be. You know that better than anyone else on here. Look after yourself.

forumdonkey · 16/03/2015 22:28

Thank you very much for all your replies and I feel this post ought to be directed to Georgepigs.

Firstly I asked WWYD because I wanted opinions of others who are not involved with regards to the threatening message and my poor young adult son who by no fault of his own will is unwittingly caught in the middle by his fathers actions yet again.

I took on board all replies including yours Georgepigs, as I was seeking objective opinions and would have been keen to know what qualifies you in your opinions - are you a police officer as I suspect?? Had you made a disclosure of your professional experience it may well have carried a little more credibility and I would have asked further from your expertise but instead you chose to call my actions as 'juvenile' which I found most unprofessional and offensive, if you are a serving police officer (even under the anonymity of a forum). I feel it says more about you than the rest of your posts. Many thanks to all the poster who posted regarding this as I was working and couldn't spend time to reply at the time.

What you found so very 'juvenile' was wanting to know what was in the message to get the full context of what had been wrote, not assuming, or guessing. The fact that the message had been sent via social media is neither here nor there as it it just a further medium in which to message especially good if in my sons case, is on the computer and not near his phone as it will come to both. The third party as you put it, which may be how it is professionally referred to was my son, who received a threat from his father to his mother which is completely different to Chinese whispers, local gossips and he said she said and busy body drama lamas. Should I have not read it myself to read the threat and context?

Quite frankly your attitude (unprofessional in attitude and tone IMO) is what I have experienced by the police with regards to the assaults against me by my exh. It took 2 days to respond to a witnessed headbutting in the street and when they finally did come they said to my exh that they 'were just checking he'd not put me under the patio' - fucking hilarious ehh?? The fact they wanted to release him back home (I'm not going to disclose here the details) following his arrest.

I'm sure these silly little threats between an exh and exw are boring bread and butter to you and just paperwork, but the impact of repeated violence and abuse still affects me my family and my life years later, more than having my car stolen ever did. But I'm sure a good old car chase of a TWOC'd is far more exciting for you. Cops and real robbers must be far more exhilarating than protecting women from violent men or is it only a real crime if the victim and perpetrator unknown to each other or part of a drug gang?

I am very sorry you see my problem, fears and reactions from a man who repeatedly beat me, kicked me, dragged me to the floor by my hair, strangled me, punched my tooth out, dragged me out of the front door by my ankles,head butted me (I could go on but you get my drift) as 'juvenile'. I can only hope that you or a sister, aunt, daughter or friend never go through this and turn to you for support.

As for all the others who took time to post, I thank you and I will be reporting, even if it is just to log it as a safeguard on me and my property - more pointless paperwork for you Georgepigs!!

OP posts:
Chillyegg · 16/03/2015 23:00

Well said forumdonkey! You sound like a very articulate and strong women! You sound amazing Please report it though!

Slow hand clap for George for being the most unhelpful poster on MN tonight! Well done for victim blaming and showing as much empathy as shrivelled raison.

AnyFucker · 17/03/2015 00:02

round of applause for you, FD. You rock Thanks

Georgieboy can go fuck himself Wink

Topseyt · 17/03/2015 03:07

Is there a possibility that this is an offence under the Malicious Communications Act??

TheSingingMonkey · 17/03/2015 03:53

That is a brilliant post FD. Flowers

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 17/03/2015 06:23

I received a threatening text recently, the police said that the law around malicious communications is more applicable to letters and texts are hard to evidence. Texts come under harassment laws and they need to be part of a pattern (3 or more) to be prosecutable

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