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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The dreaded silent treatment, why?

95 replies

magicgirl79 · 14/03/2015 09:38

From my other posts you will see that my H is a cannabis user, regularly and more than just for recreational use.

This week from late Wed night things seems to have taken a turn in that he has stopped speaking to me, as in I can get ye/no answers or 1 sentence at a time, no conversation etc.

As far as I can remember back to I have done nothing to him, he does get like this but usually by the next day it is gone, this morning it is still the same, he has a face on and no conversation at all, this has been since Wed night.

I asked him yesterday whats up as he is hardly speaking and he said nothing is wrong.

My daughter is noticing and is asking why dad is in a mood, he isn't really being himself with her either.

Im at a loss, if he wont speak am I expected to wait until he feels like it. Its horrible wondering what is coming through the door.

OP posts:
Charley50 · 14/03/2015 09:45

Silent treatment is abuse.

Ouchbloodyouch · 14/03/2015 09:49

Sad ltb how much more will you tolerate?

AlternativeTentacles · 14/03/2015 09:53

Life could be happier without dreading him coming through the door.

Mainly by making sure he never comes through the door again.

gamerchick · 14/03/2015 09:58

Tell him to bugger off out with his strop and don't come back till he's over himself. Do it every time he does it.

You'll learn how to function with it him being around and maybe find you're better off.

PeppermintCrayon · 14/03/2015 09:58

Respectful adults don't treat each other like this. He is a twat, sorry.

butterfly2015 · 14/03/2015 10:00

It doesn't sound like he's a great person to live with. How often is he like this? Is he ever loving and affectionate? Do you still love him?

Mainly I'd ask yourself if you can live like this for another year, five years, forever.

dangerrabbit · 14/03/2015 11:11

Does he do this a lot

How long does it usually take him to snap out of it

Once he has got over it how does he usually behave afterwards? Does he apologise?

How do you usually behave towards him while this is going on and does this affect his behaviour

Original poster
magicgirl79 · 14/03/2015 11:15

This can be a weekly occurrence, or daily but doesn't last long if daily. He never acknowledges that he is like this and in the teens of years we have been together I have maybe had an apology 5 times. I used to pander to him, ashamed to say it but something's with sex! I just don't bother now, but D is noticing as she gets older.

OP posts:
maras2 · 14/03/2015 11:18

Does it matter why? You've put up with this crap for over 10 years.You know that he's a lazy,cock lodging junkie waste of space,why worry about the silent treatment.Now your child is being affected by his toxicity.This is so wrong.What will it take for you to get rid?

SylvaniansAtEase · 14/03/2015 11:26

So now it's starting to make your child's home life miserable as well as yours.

Think ahead. What would you rather - to get rid of this twat and have a tough time now getting through it, but eventually settling down and having a good life, or, in just a few short years, seeing your DD pack up and leave with palpable relief just as soon as she is old enough, leaving you to continue 'enjoying' life with fuck face, and hardly seeing her because she can hardly bear to walk back through the door?

Put her first as well as yourself and for fuck's sake get him gone.

Quitelikely · 14/03/2015 11:39

He's a terrible role model for your dd. Do you really want her growing up thinking this behaviour is acceptable?

Talk to him. Tell him his behaviour is unacceptable. Tell him the way he is acting is not conductive to a relationship.

Ask him to go for a few days whilst he sorts himself out.

Humansatnav · 14/03/2015 11:46

Ok. Sounds awful.
Why exactly are you putting your dd through this ?

Mrsjayy · 14/03/2015 11:46

If he is stoned regularly then this is goiing to affect his moods why are you putting up with this crap I would tell him to find his grip and stop behaving like a complete arsehole you and your dd deserve better I wouldn't pander to him either

Mrsjayy · 14/03/2015 11:49

You are living with a junkie the damage weed does to somebody is. Slow and builds slowly

Original poster
magicgirl79 · 14/03/2015 16:40

Thanks for all the replies. I have hinted to my mum that things aren't so good today,im very private so don't really share to much about what goes on in my house.

Im hoping this mood is shifted by the time he gets home as I don't think I can go the rest of the weekend like this.

He doesn't have anywhere else he can go to, I just weak and cant stand the thought of conflict, arguments and it worrys me to the point I make my self ill.

I want to feel happy, carefree and have fun, im still quite young.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 14/03/2015 16:45

What he's doing is cruelty.

I'm guessing he's doing much the same with your daughter?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/03/2015 16:48

Why do you continue to worry about him in that you say he has nowhere to go?. That is not your problem and I am wondering if you are in a co-dependent relationship.

Take charge of your own life and get rid of this man for a start. He is simply dragging you and your child down with him. Sadly at this point in time you are facilitating his abuse of you and by turn your child.

Original poster
magicgirl79 · 14/03/2015 16:49

I wouldn't say quite the same to her but of course she is in this atmosphere this last few days and she notices that dad is "moody"

I feel if I say something it will make the mood worse and cant face this going on.

When he is nice he is really nice, what I have to remember is the nice is stimulated most of the time through Cannabis.

OP posts:
Original poster
magicgirl79 · 14/03/2015 16:50

Im going to look up co dependant relationship as I am not too sure what it entails.

I guess I am the type of person who is anxious and worries about everything, even though he treats us this way.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/03/2015 16:54

Signs of Codependent Relationships:-

•You enable your partner’s unhealthy behaviors, and they enable yours.
•You minimize your needs and preferences.
•Instead of growing together, you deteriorate together.
•You feel increasingly bad about yourself.
•Your mood and self-respect are dictated by your partner’s mood and behavior.
•You feel devalued or disrespected by your partner.
•You feel frustrated or angry about how you’re being treated but you don’t speak up. Instead you “waffle between fight — getting into conflicts — or flight — keeping [your feelings to yourself].”
•You feel ashamed and embarrassed about what’s really going on in your relationship.

Because people who struggle with codependency also don’t have high standards for how others treat them, they often pick partners who don’t treat them very well.

Your mother never treated you all that well either did she?. She taught you how to be co-dependent.

Original poster
magicgirl79 · 14/03/2015 16:57

Oh god, that's quite shocking to read that, in most respects that is me to a T!

A lot of learning to do for the future, the last thing I want is for my D to have the same way of living as me.

OP posts:
BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 14/03/2015 17:04

His prime relationship is with his beloved weed. Not with you, you just tolerate and enable it. Not willingly, I'll guess, but tolerating and enabling it you have been.

I don't know you but I think you're entitled to expect better than this. We all are. That his addiction is now impacting on his child's well-being is making me very angry. He's a selfish and useless arse-wipe. Get rid of him. Who cares where he goes? He's allegedly an adult, so he can worry about that. Your child should be coming first, not last.

SmillasSenseOfSnow · 14/03/2015 17:38

If you don't want your daughter to have the same way of living as you then you need to end this relationship now, not just talk vaguely about 'lots of learning to do for the future'.

thatsn0tmyname · 14/03/2015 17:41

Sounds like he's loading the gun and hoping that you'll pull the trigger. End it, sounds awful. X

Holdthepage · 14/03/2015 17:42

I have read your other thread & I am not sure what answers you are looking for. Your DP is a stoner, you will probably leave him eventually, it is up to you to decide how many years you want to waste on him before you do.