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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The dreaded silent treatment, why?

95 replies

magicgirl79 · 14/03/2015 09:38

From my other posts you will see that my H is a cannabis user, regularly and more than just for recreational use.

This week from late Wed night things seems to have taken a turn in that he has stopped speaking to me, as in I can get ye/no answers or 1 sentence at a time, no conversation etc.

As far as I can remember back to I have done nothing to him, he does get like this but usually by the next day it is gone, this morning it is still the same, he has a face on and no conversation at all, this has been since Wed night.

I asked him yesterday whats up as he is hardly speaking and he said nothing is wrong.

My daughter is noticing and is asking why dad is in a mood, he isn't really being himself with her either.

Im at a loss, if he wont speak am I expected to wait until he feels like it. Its horrible wondering what is coming through the door.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/03/2015 17:46

"A lot of learning to do for the future, the last thing I want is for my D to have the same way of living as me".

I thought you were in a co-dependent relationship, that's why I mentioned it.

You have a lot of learning to do by unlearning all the crap you were taught about relationships starting with the rubbish your mother taught you. She likely taught you to become co-dependent. Counselling for your own self and reading up on co-dependency are also a must do now. Not some vague stuff about a lot of learning to do for the future. Its needs doing now.

If you really do want your DD to have healthy adult relationships going forward then this man needs to be kicked to the kerb asap. She is already noticing and asking you why her dad is in a mood. Its not her job to try and modify his behaviour either.

Mrsrochesterscat · 14/03/2015 18:07

Do you have any books/websites you could recommend Atilla? I'm realising I've got some learning to do too.

BrowersBlues · 14/03/2015 18:23

Al Anon provides support for families living with drug addicts. Why not give them a ring and have a chat. You and your DD sound like you need support. The families of addicts have very distinct issues. It breaks my heart to think of you both living at the mercy of your H's whims and moods.

I hope you find a way out. You sound young and you have every right to live your own life. Life isn't ever going to be perfect but you two really don't deserve this.

My EXH was the worst sulker I have ever met in my entire life. When I was going through hell with him I was chatting to my dad on the telephone one day and told him that EX hadn't spoken to me for over a week. My dad went crazy and by the time I came off the telephone I was in no doubt that that type of behaviour was abuse. I left him shortly after and never once looked back.

Myself and my two babies moved into our own house and had a life full of laughter and fun. It wasn't the Waltons but we had great fun. My EXH sucked the joy out of us just like your H is doing to you and your daughter.

You need support and if Al Anon isn't an option go and see your GP and see if you can see a counsellor. Your life does not have to be this crap.

blueberrypie0112 · 14/03/2015 18:33

Hippo, could he be moving on to heavier drugs?

Or is he just mad because you are putting your foot down for the first time?

Original poster
magicgirl79 · 14/03/2015 21:13

Ni, I know he isn't moving on to anything harder, just don't think what he does anymore is doing anything for him, he has been using for 20+ yrs, he is late 40s.
He is all sweetness now with the I love yous, don't know what was wrong with me, but I cant forget this time, I am hurting for once I am willing to admit I hurt for my child and for me.
I am more than capable of leaving and giving us a great life as I support all of us just now and always have done.

OP posts:
Holdthepage · 15/03/2015 00:13

If you are more than capable why not just do it?

Mrsjayy · 15/03/2015 09:25

You did nothing wrong and you deserve better

AccordingtoSteve · 15/03/2015 09:51

Ugh, I went through this for over 6 years with my h and we are now very newly separated. Living without the silent treatment and the sulking has been absolutely wonderful. I too was very able to get out and that's what I did. Trust me when I say you really will thank yourself for it if you decide do do it Flowers

Moniker1 · 15/03/2015 10:28

I don't think the silences or sulks are anything to do with you or what you have done.
It's just to do with him and his messed up mind.
Who knows why he behaves that way, it is irrational. And also nasty and selfish.

Original poster
magicgirl79 · 15/03/2015 12:27

Thank you all for your support, he is asking if everything is ok now, I just said that I need to know why he hardly spoke for days? He says I have been distance with him for weeks, maybe I have but don't realise, I said we are both busy people, it's hard to spend time with somone who hardly speaks to you unless they are stoned. That's me with a guilt trip now .

OP posts:
AlternativeTentacles · 15/03/2015 12:37

How many threads about this loser are you going to start before you actually do anything about it?

Stop guilt tripping yourself and get angry and do something about it.

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 15/03/2015 12:47

So he's turned it back on you. Do you think he is right or do you think he is finding an excuse to blame you for his mood swings?

Does this change your thoughts on getting him gone?

Original poster
magicgirl79 · 15/03/2015 12:56

Im not sure, im thinking back, I know things are no the same now, I get distant as the sulks get to me, I get anxious as im not sure whether I have done something, or someone has said something, even though I know I haven't.

That makes me step back. I hate the fact the first thing he does when he gets in the door is sits himself in the litchen to have a joint before sitting to have dinner or spend even 20 mins with me or D. I have gotten so used to being this way it has become normal.

OP posts:
AlternativeTentacles · 15/03/2015 13:02

It is not normal.

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 15/03/2015 13:08

It really is not normal.

Did you tell him that this is the reason you are distant at times?

Original poster
magicgirl79 · 15/03/2015 13:13

I haven't told him but I am going to try and speak with him today, which will be hard as I struggle as I get anxious, but I need to get it our, its the consequences I worry about. He has been a big part of my life and reflecting back we did have very good times, it just feels very, very sad, what things have come too.

OP posts:
NorahDentressangle · 15/03/2015 13:13

Yes, but even if you had 'done something' the reaction of an adult is to point this out or ask what the problem is - not to sulk for a week in silence.

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 15/03/2015 13:25

Exactly Norah. When did he ask you why you were distance and if you were alright and what he might do to help?

I hope you find the strength to talk with him because this will only get worse until you do.

deste · 15/03/2015 15:42

You do realise your child and you will absolutely reek of the stuff he smokes so of course her school will also know.

Original poster
magicgirl79 · 15/03/2015 17:22

A few others have said that people will be smelling it off us.

Of course the drugs is the biggest thing, I should have tried to put a stop to it years ago, that's my fault also, but the mood and mind games is getting too much for me. I am even more anxious than I ever used to be and I hate it.

I want so much for D and I to be happy, even H to an extent but I don't think he can stop his drug habit.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 15/03/2015 17:25

This is an absolute unacceptable form of abuse. I'd rather be yelled at and yell back than this. Could not stand this. I'd leave.

TheHiiTCrowd · 15/03/2015 17:25

Agree, end it.

Silence is golden when you're in a house on your own! But it's torture when there's two of you and there's silence. It's so oppressive.

it's a way of making you feel on trial when you don't know what the charge is.

Original poster
magicgirl79 · 15/03/2015 17:31

This is exactly it, I have been racking my brains for days wondering whats wrong and even though I keep asking I get "nothings wrong" until I stopped asking.

Then he decided he was speaking again and maybe it was childish of me but I just thought no, this was too far. He says it was because I was distant and hardly at home. When im out I am either working or out with our child, I don't not socialise or go out drinking etc. Sometimes glad when it is bedtime ~ we don't share a bed, so I know I can relax for a while.

OP posts:
TheHiiTCrowd · 15/03/2015 17:37

my x was the other way inclined. thousands of criticisms. I was a nervous wreck, couldn't move for fear sometimes because i knew the next thing i'd do would be done 'wrong' too.

it is no way to live.

what was said upthread about co-dependency is true. I don't know if i was co dependent exactly but i had a low self esteem when i went in to the relationship. If i'd had a healthier self-esteem i would have told him to fuck off and when he got there fuck off again, but instead I tried to please him.

my mother wasn't half as bad as he was but that feeling of trying to please somebody but never quite managing it was a feeling that was familiar to me and i slipped back in to it with my x. Unfortunately though where my mother would have said 'oh! nothing!' and changed the subject and I just knew she expected more, my x was a much more extreme version and let me know a thousand times a day that i was falling short.

so, the dynamic was familiar and being repeated but it was a much more extreme version.

your self-esteem can't magically be made healthy with a click of the fingers and an epiphany. even after you get the self awareness you'll doubt yourself and doubt that you can end it, you'll doubt that if you end it, you won't just be replacing and old set of familiar problems with a new set of unfamiliar problems, but my advice would be not to worry, fake it til you make it.

think of somebody you know who wouldn't tolerate this shit!?? somebody you know and like who is a more confident version of you with a better healthier self-esteem. Ask yourself, would *she stand for this shit? if the answer is no then don't you stand for it either because your daughter will be watching and learning.

TheHiiTCrowd · 15/03/2015 17:39

fake it (self esteem) til it's real