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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The dreaded silent treatment, why?

95 replies

magicgirl79 · 14/03/2015 09:38

From my other posts you will see that my H is a cannabis user, regularly and more than just for recreational use.

This week from late Wed night things seems to have taken a turn in that he has stopped speaking to me, as in I can get ye/no answers or 1 sentence at a time, no conversation etc.

As far as I can remember back to I have done nothing to him, he does get like this but usually by the next day it is gone, this morning it is still the same, he has a face on and no conversation at all, this has been since Wed night.

I asked him yesterday whats up as he is hardly speaking and he said nothing is wrong.

My daughter is noticing and is asking why dad is in a mood, he isn't really being himself with her either.

Im at a loss, if he wont speak am I expected to wait until he feels like it. Its horrible wondering what is coming through the door.

OP posts:
TheHiiTCrowd · 15/03/2015 17:40

You are the bread winner!?

You're in a strong position. Brew

PoppyField · 15/03/2015 17:49

I should have tried to put a stop to it years ago !!!

Hi OP,

It's his drug habit. There's nothing you could have done and I doubt there's anything you can do about it now. Stop taking it on. Stop thinking you can do anything about it. It's not your thing to sort out. He is inflicting it on you. That's the problem. He is incredibly selfish - both towards you and your DD. Yes, you had good times... you'd be mad to be with him if you didn't.... but now, he is being a selfish, sulky shit.

This has dragged you down with him. Don't let him drag you any further. You and your DD are suffering while he just carries on being a shit. When are you going to say 'That's enough.'?

He is abusive. He makes you anxious. He sulks for days and turns it on you and makes it your fault. You are afraid to broach important things with him, presumably because he turns into a complete arsehole when you do and you are afraid of his reaction. This is no way to live. If this was your best friend describing her life you would urge her to get free of this bastard and you would offer any support you could to help her. Be a friend to yourself and get him out of your home. It will be a happy, nice-smelling and secure home without him. He is no friend of yours.

Mitlillehus · 15/03/2015 18:08

You get one life OP

Don't waste it with a waster

Norest · 15/03/2015 18:11

Why do you think you are responsible for his life?

Mitlillehus · 15/03/2015 18:12

that's part of the co-dependency issue, feeling responsible for somebody else, their health, their happiness, intense feelings of guilt at putting own needs first.

championnibbler · 15/03/2015 18:31

oh jesus - get rid of this prick, will you?
if not for you, then for your child's sake.

deste · 15/03/2015 21:24

I am even more anxious than I ever used to be and I hate it. And it will only get worse. Tell him to go because he is only staying with you for convenience. The solution to all of this is in your hands, do it for your daughter if nothing else.

Original poster
magicgirl79 · 15/03/2015 21:29

I know I have to make a stand, but I have lost all confidence, my head is an absolute mess and im terrified of the unknown.

Daily I feel I am aging with worry and stress.

Of course mu biggest concern is my D, I have thought about what I would say if she came to me in this situation and I would tell her to get out asap, so why am I not brave enough to do the same.

OP posts:
jasper · 15/03/2015 21:44

stoners are millstones round your neck.
no good ever comes from cannabis use

AlternativeTentacles · 15/03/2015 22:47

It is not the unknown though is it? It is just the known without a dope head cluttering it up.

You arent having to even move, just kick him out.

It is not like a 6 month treking expedition to mongolia with nothing to drink except your own urine and fermented horse milk, is it?

Just do it.

Mitlillehus · 15/03/2015 22:49

It's just one dependant fewer. That's not a challenge you'd be taking on. It's a sandbag you'd be throwing overboard.

Tell him he has to go. Call the police if he argues back with you.

Iflyaway · 15/03/2015 23:56

I'm sorry, it's not the cannabis that is making your husband a bastard.

I know plenty of people that smoke a spliff regularly and none of them do the silent treatment.

On top of that he lays the blame for his attitude at your feet.

For the sake of you and your daughter, please start looking at how to make your life better instead of putting all your energy into wondering why he does this - it's part of who he is and he will not change.

NorahDentressangle · 16/03/2015 07:58

im terrified of the unknown

There is the free half hour with a solicitor available to you.

So you could have a 'what if' discussion. Take info on your finances, who is on the deeds/ rent agreement. How much you earn. And find out what would happen if you did decide to make changes/ separated/ asked him to move out for a while. Whatever. Then you are able make decisions instead of being in a nervous panicky fear.

Original poster
magicgirl79 · 16/03/2015 14:53

Thank you for all your support, came home today, and I have the feeling he was clock watching, I wonder if he thinks I'm up to something, which I'm not!! He was speaking a while last night now I don't think he is again, short and distant. I thought about what I would be coming home to at work and it made my stomach churn. I'm fed up living on eggshells, I must be strong!

OP posts:
PoppyField · 16/03/2015 15:03

Hi OP,

Loads of women on this thread and others have taken the step of getting out of an abusive or downright unhealthy relationship. Do what Norah suggests and start arming yourself with information, which will make it less scary. Take small steps. And yes, your first small step would be to call a couple of solicitors and ask for a consultation. This will give you information.

A family lawyer has seen it all before and will be able to reassure you and tell you exactly what you need to do. There are lots of them about. This will help your nerves. Many many people have taken this step. Yes it is excruciatingly hard, but you don't have to do it on your own and there is lots of advice out there. You need to do it for yourself and your D while you still have enough strength to do it.

bendybrickpumpkinpatch · 16/03/2015 15:05

magicgirl i;ve PMd you.

Original poster
magicgirl79 · 16/03/2015 16:23

Will I be able to contact a family lawyer over the phone for a free half hour consultation?

I live in a very, very small area and can not go to anyone local.

OP posts:
Original poster
magicgirl79 · 16/03/2015 20:59

I DID IT!! Kind of, I approached the subject and spoke about all my feelings, I thought my heart was going to burst at one point but I managed!!

He said he would not cope stopping Cannabis and will not stop as he reckons we would be divorced within the week!! As he just cant manage to cope without it.

I told him he makes me nervous with his moods etc, he says he is aware he can peak aggressive and be moody without the drug.

Hoping to continue the discussion after D bedtime.

OP posts:
ShipwreckedAndComatose · 16/03/2015 21:40

Good start!

What happens if he can't stop?

Original poster
magicgirl79 · 16/03/2015 21:45

He cant, I already know that, he does too, he admitted he cant and wont stop.

He cant understand why I have changed as he did it when we met, I have told him ive grown up and I don't want D involved with it.

Felt very scared and sad in a way, the courage to end this has yet to come.

OP posts:
KaffeOgKage · 16/03/2015 21:48

So cannabis is his crutch, and treating you like shit is his 'valve'.

What's your crutch? what's your valve?!

he's full of shit saying you'd be divorced in a week without cannabis!! Confused

my sympathies are with you Brew

LL0015 · 16/03/2015 21:52

Hope you can continue your conversation and hope you continue to grow in strength

KaffeOgKage · 16/03/2015 21:55

What he's saying seems to be that he'd be worse without the cannibas. But that doesn't mean you have to accept him how he is now. He says you'd be divorced within a week without cannabis. That sounds like he thinks it's a threat, thinks you'd take any option over divorce.

I'd shock him and say "i choose divorce then"

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 16/03/2015 21:55

Hope you find that courage. You have definitely made a start xx

Charley50 · 16/03/2015 22:10

How much weed does he smoke? Isn't the silent treatment more of a problem than that? Well actually I suppose they are both a problem.
Btw I've suffered a lot from silent treatment from my now ex DP and became massively anxious and felt like I was having a breakdown. I found an article online about silent treatment abuse and it really hammered home how detrimental the silent treatment had been to my mental health.