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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

The dreaded silent treatment, why?

95 replies

magicgirl79 · 14/03/2015 09:38

From my other posts you will see that my H is a cannabis user, regularly and more than just for recreational use.

This week from late Wed night things seems to have taken a turn in that he has stopped speaking to me, as in I can get ye/no answers or 1 sentence at a time, no conversation etc.

As far as I can remember back to I have done nothing to him, he does get like this but usually by the next day it is gone, this morning it is still the same, he has a face on and no conversation at all, this has been since Wed night.

I asked him yesterday whats up as he is hardly speaking and he said nothing is wrong.

My daughter is noticing and is asking why dad is in a mood, he isn't really being himself with her either.

Im at a loss, if he wont speak am I expected to wait until he feels like it. Its horrible wondering what is coming through the door.

OP posts:

Original poster

magicgirl79 · 16/03/2015 22:35

What he means is he would be worse without cannabis, moods etc and wouldn't want to put us through that.

The silences etc are all definatley linked to the use of the drug and he admits he has to have it.

I have told him D notices the moods and he says he doesn't want that to happen either.

OP posts:

KaffeOgKage · 16/03/2015 22:39

hmm. it is a massive cop out sorry OP, to suggest that he could be worse implies he's not that bad now. It's terrible now. He's also capitalising on what he thinks is your worst fear - divorce. Maybe, it's not your worst fear any more. If you were born in 1979 and you're about 36 maybe your worst fear is another 40 odd years of this hell

Original poster

magicgirl79 · 16/03/2015 22:41

I don't think he sees what he is like, I'm beginning to wonder if it's me?? I know a lot of people use weed but I have not been directly affected which is the difference. After speaking I hope I'm not making a big deal over nothing now.

OP posts:

Charley50 · 16/03/2015 22:58

I do think weed has a big affect. Most people I know stop or massively cut down when they get older. The ones that don't do use it as a bit of a crutch and do get moody without it at first.

PoppyField · 17/03/2015 00:00

It's not you. It is a big deal. You are not overreacting.

KaffeOgKage · 17/03/2015 00:09

You don't need to analyse it and provide proof that you're not happy.

You're not happy, he's a very difficult man to live with. That is enough

NorahDentressangle · 17/03/2015 06:27

He said he would not cope stopping Cannabis and will not stop as he reckons we would be divorced within the week!!

This comment turns the problem back on to you. He, poor soul, sob sob, is addicted to his drug. And if he did try to stop you would kick him out, so there you go, an insoluble problem for him. But if you complain you want him to stop it's YOU who's going to destroy the marriage!!!!!!!!!! because he's told you he can't stop.
People come off fags, booze, drugs every day (not easily) but blaming others, making other people an excuse for not trying to stop is dirty tricks.

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 17/03/2015 06:51

It's definitely is a big deal! Addiction is a big deal.

And it's making you unhappy.

And your daughter is suffering. He doesn't want that but he won't come off the drugs. Can he see that means there is only one other option left open to you and her??

SanityClause · 17/03/2015 06:54

Of course mu biggest concern is my D, I have thought about what I would say if she came to me in this situation and I would tell her to get out asap, so why am I not brave enough to do the same.

Can I point out that your DD is in this situation. But she can't "get out", as she currently has no choice in the matter. So, actually, you are not getting her out, you are forcing her to stay.

Original poster

magicgirl79 · 17/03/2015 08:10

He said he can't stop, not even I will try or cut back just can't.
He is being nicer and talking more now but fir me it's a case if waiting for the next episode, he asked if that's really how I see it and I have said yes, I think he really can not see how he is being and acting.

OP posts:

AlternativeTentacles · 17/03/2015 08:43

I think he really can not see how he is being and acting

Actually, it is that he doesn't care.

You really need to either decide whether this is ok and live with it, or end it.

NorahDentressangle · 17/03/2015 08:58

I think he really can not see how he is being and acting

But imagine it is your DP saying 'I'm leaving you and taking dd because you do X and Y'. Would you carry on doing X and Y because you cannot see what it is you are doing? Errr no, you would start, at the very least, to try to make changes.

Original poster

magicgirl79 · 17/03/2015 17:16

My head is so messed up now. He says he cant/wont stop as he is aware he is short tempered, aggressive etc and this will only become worse if here were to stop.

The decision is stay and accepts the flaws or go and start again. If I stay I have to accept the moods and silences are not my fault and get D to understand that also, I don't particularly want her to be aware of the drugs. If I go or he goes, I split up the family and wonder what impact it will have on D, is it selfish for me to call it a day over this situation?

OP posts:

AlternativeTentacles · 17/03/2015 18:00

If I go or he goes, I split up the family

No - he splits up the family by not being an proper father and husband.

is it selfish for me to call it a day over this situation

No.

pocketsaviour · 17/03/2015 18:21

I think it's more selfish for you to stay.

Do you really want your DD to grow up thinking that this kind of behaviour (not smoking specifically but the moodiness) is normal? Imagine her coming to you in 15 years time and saying she had a partner like this. What would you advise her?

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 17/03/2015 18:52

It's your decision in the end but Personally, I don't think you have any other choice but to leave.

Your daughter deserves better than this and, I agree, it's actually more selfish to stay. Why would you want to teach your dd to put up with the moods and learn to ignore them? What does that teach her about her future relationships?

FruminariaBandersnatchiosum · 17/03/2015 21:35

He is taking responsibility for fuck all here OP. He is telling you to accept him the way he is or bugger off. Why would you accept this crummy way of going on? Get rid and get a life for yourself and your DD. Your first responsibility should be to your DD, not trying to change his ways when he has made it clear that weed is more important than you or DD. Please leave.

Aussiebean · 18/03/2015 04:44

It's better to be from a broken home then in one.

Your dd will learn from you how to be treated by a partner.

So far she is learning that she puts up with someone who doesn't consider her feelings, is allowed to make her home life uncomfortable, destroy her self esteem, put drugs
Ahead of her and her children's well being. (your grandchildren btw) and not care that she is hurting as she has to put up and shut up or leave.

Whocansay · 18/03/2015 07:27

You are concerned about the consequences of 'splitting the family up'. What about the consequences of your child growing up living with a drug addict? Why does this not worry you more?

You are with a selfish man who cares more about his weed than you or his child. Why on earth are you putting his needs first? You are not splitting the family up or being selfish. That is all down to him and his addiction.

Original poster

magicgirl79 · 19/03/2015 16:35

Thank you all so much for your help and wise words.

I am still no further on unfortunately, head is saying one thing, heart something else, seems a huge step to take with massive changes and I admit the thing that holds me back is that im terrified.

H is trying his best mood wise this last few days but in the back of my head I am waiting for it all to blow up again, but he is still smoking cannabis daily and still the same amount so has no intentions of stopping.

OP posts:

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