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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I a waste of space

98 replies

Misterbumpbump · 12/03/2015 22:42

So my ex has no respect for me, he thinks I am lazy fat, stupid, sinking into a mire
My father thinks I am lazy, stupid, rude, nasty, offensive.
My mother thinks I am a bitch, self absorbed.

Every day is a battle to be positive and try and not think about these things too much because that is what I truely believe about myself.

Tonight I have drunk a bottle of wine and I haven't drunk a drop for weeks, I was doing so well.
Sorry just had to write it down x

OP posts:
TokenGinger · 12/03/2015 22:47

You may be some of those things. I am some of those things. Every person in the world is probably some of those things. But only in somebody's perception. Every single person's perception of another person is different than another's. Don't accept their judgements as a reflection of who you are. Instead, find people who value your best bits and accept your flaws, for they love you for who you are.

Original poster
Misterbumpbump · 12/03/2015 23:06

Thank you tokenginger, very true. just feel so lowSad

OP posts:
blueberrypie0112 · 12/03/2015 23:14

Cut everyone who tells you this, then your world will be a better place. It also helps to see if you have depression because instead of seeing they are the problem, you are also putting yourself down too.

Thenapoleonofcrime · 12/03/2015 23:19

No-one, but no-one is a waste of space.

I'm sorry you have such shit people around you that use you as a way of making yourself feel better. It's not true though, just their way of making themselves feel good by putting you down and not looking closely at themselves.

You've done really well up til now, don't let one day set you back too much.

Think about what you are going to do tomorrow, one thing, that you are going to put right- could be clean the bathroom, go shopping for something, call a friend or neighbour, anything.

I hope you are getting help with counselling/feeling down- if so, don't be afraid to go back and ask again, if not, think about whether you could go.

Original poster
Misterbumpbump · 13/03/2015 07:03

Thank you everyone for your kind words x

I think the best way to deal with it is to minimise contact.
That will be hard because they make me feel guilty aswell. And they make me feel worried and anxious.

OP posts:
Original poster
Misterbumpbump · 13/03/2015 07:05

I read this back though and think its me. I sound so neurotic, as my father would say!

OP posts:
Original poster
Misterbumpbump · 13/03/2015 07:06

And self absorbed, I must stop thinking these thoughts!

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/03/2015 07:39

Yes, don't have people in your life who are only intent on bringing you down. Life is far too short for that. Instead make a different, better life doing things and being with people that boost your confidence and bring you happiness.

I don't know your situation but what could you change short term and long term that would make you feel better about yourself? New haircut? New job? Take up ballroom dancing? What are your dreams? Whatever it is you choose to do, do it because it would make you feel good.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/03/2015 07:44

A word on being 'self absorbed'. It is very important to put yourself and your own wellbeing first. No one else has your best interests at heart so you have to be your own top priority. If you are happy in your skin people will respond to that. If you need help, help yourself before you help others. It's not selfishness or being self absorbed, it's basic self preservation.

PacificDogwood · 13/03/2015 07:51

You have been well groomed to think of yourself in the way as these people want you to see yourself.
I don't know you and I know that you cannot possibly be all of those things all of the time. And, like everybody else, you will be some of those things some of the time - tell me that your parents are ideal human beings in every way all of the time?! Thought not…

Poor you.
You know the drinking won't help and may actually contribute to how down you are feeling now even if it helped dull the pain a bit when you drank it.
Put it behind you and move on - just because you drank that bottle of wine, does not mean you have to keep drinking Thanks

And yes, learn to like yourself. Or rather love yourself. If you love yourself you are more likely to make choices that are good for yourself. 'Self-absorbed'? Pffffft.
Most happy people are 'self-absorbed' because they know how to set boundaries, look after themselves and keep toxic influences at bay.

Gawn, have a day looking after yourself. You deserve it [thank]

PacificDogwood · 13/03/2015 07:52

Good grief, sorry about the absence of grammar… Blush

PuellaEstCornelia · 13/03/2015 07:54

What Napoleon said. No-one is a waste of space.

EndOfTheRainbowInSight · 13/03/2015 08:47

It sounds like you ought to be visiting this thread

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2262683-But-we-took-you-to-stately-homes-Survivors-of-Dysfunctional-Families

You are not a waste of space, and bloody well done for getting away from an abusive ex.

tribpot · 13/03/2015 08:57

We think you are worth listening to. We think your feelings are important.

You don't need to minimise the damage these people have done to your self-worth, you need to remove yourself from the cause of the damage. Yes, they will make you feel guilty but this is because they are used to having you around as their metaphorical punching bag. Not because they care about you - they care about themselves.

Cog is right, being "self-absorbed" is a good thing when it comes to protecting yourself from harm, putting your own needs ahead of people who don't put yours ahead of theirs. Do more of it - you deserve to be happy.

Back on the wagon today, booze won't solve the problem - but you can, by taking care of yourself.

Original poster
Misterbumpbump · 13/03/2015 09:24

Thank you so much everyone you are lovely lovely people x I have just eaten a healthy breakfast and cup of tea and feel better.
I have told my abusive ex that in future I don't want to spend time with him after ds has gone to bed. He should go back to his rented room, because when we are together it makes me feel unhappy.
He wasn't happy about that, he has made me feel guilty and it's now taking all my willpower not to text 'sorry' to him!! It's so hard not to believe I am being unreasonable. He says I treat him badly which feels so hard to take as that is the last thing I want. I wanted happiness and love and a healthy relationship! He said he can't believe I had the audacity to throw him out and threaten the police (he was violent, but he argues it was hardly anything).
I also said that I was going to cancel Sky Sports due to the fact that he doesn't live here anymore and that went down like a lead balloon.

OP posts:
BlackDaisies · 13/03/2015 09:29

If he doesn't live with you there is no reason for him to come into your home at all. Think about a neutral place that he can see your son. It's really important that your home feels like a safe place. Is it in your name or joint names?

Original poster
Misterbumpbump · 13/03/2015 09:32

Joint names so a tricky one, unfortunately...

OP posts:
Thenapoleonofcrime · 13/03/2015 10:20

Can you get the tenancy put in both names (if rented?)

It sounds like your living situation is intolerable, you have chucked him out for abuse and now he's back in the evenings?

I think you could do with some good advice, have you been in touch with Women's Aid?

I think taking action to solve your living accommodation problem would probably make you feel much better day to day, and that will knock on to making you feel better about yourself.

Don't believe his version of you, he's a twat and his opinion of women distorted. But do get practical advice and help on how to move forward and get him out of your life.

EndOfTheRainbowInSight · 13/03/2015 10:31

'hardly anything', ha. You don't have to put up with any of it. That is a fairly strong sign that he thinks violence is an acceptable way to solve problems and there will be worse to come if you stay near him.

It's also important that you keep your ds out of the way so that he doesn't end up as a victim, and also doesn't learn that that is how to treat women.

You can do this - follow napoleon's advice.

RosesAreMyFavourite · 13/03/2015 10:38

You shouldn't let a violent man anywhere near you. See social services and ask them to help you get an exclusion order. It will be good to show them that you are serious about not allowing him near your children. You need help with this. Do you own your home jointly or is it rented?

Block out anyone that thinks poorly of you, from facebook, phone, text and real life until you have a bank of nice people around you who care.

And don't be afraid of feeling emotions, it's not 'neurotic', it's normal. Women, particularly mothers, just feel more, express more, it's perfectly natural and shouldn't be belittled or minimised. It serves an important purpose. Sure sometimes you blow up at the wrong person but that's sometimes what makes you appreciate who is important to you, it's a way of testing your boundaries and part of the process of healing and learning who you really are. Only when you are true to yourself can you learn to listen to and act on your instincts

RosesAreMyFavourite · 13/03/2015 10:43

And stay off the wine. You're just giving them more power when you do. Take up crochet or cross stitch and go to bed early. Listen to music, whatever, but don't drink, particularly when you're responsible for DS.

You are as capable of changing your life as much as anyone.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/03/2015 10:43

Agreeing with PPs, do not let this man in your home. If he has been violent and abusive then you must keep your home as a sanctuary for you and your son. How old is DS?

hellsbellsmelons · 13/03/2015 10:46

Please contact Womens Aid if you haven't already done so.
And definitely enrol on their Freedom Programme.
Sounds to me like you are being abused form all sides.
Time to toughen up and get to know the real you.
Time to be a bitch and put yourself first.
Definitely cancel Sky and he can get to fuck if he doesn't like it.
Cogito always has good sound advice so read and re-read her posts!
Time for you now - take control and kick these abusers into touch.

RosesAreMyFavourite · 13/03/2015 10:48

Was the violence recorded or logged by police or other officials?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/03/2015 10:53

"says I treat him badly "

  1. When an abusive man says you treat him badly what he really means is that you are being assertive and not giving into him.
  2. Abusive men are all about control. All the time he is sat in your home telling you that you are 'lazy fat, stupid, sinking into a mire' he is keeping control. Manipulation.
  3. You want to say 'sorry' because he you are being manipulated.

The relationship is over and he lives in a rented room because he frightened and intimidated you so much that you threatened to call the police. So keep him out of your home, cancel Sky and let him come up with a practical solution for maintaining contact with his child.

Do you have anyone around you that is supportive and knows what he did?

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