Am I a waste of space

[Misterbumpbump]

So my ex has no respect for me, he thinks I am lazy fat, stupid, sinking into a mire
My father thinks I am lazy, stupid, rude, nasty, offensive.
My mother thinks I am a bitch, self absorbed.

Every day is a battle to be positive and try and not think about these things too much because that is what I truely believe about myself.

Tonight I have drunk a bottle of wine and I haven't drunk a drop for weeks, I was doing so well.
Sorry just had to write it down x

Yes I have called Women's Aid they have been very helpful, and I am getting a call from an outreach worker this week, hopefully that will help.
It's just so hard facing the reality. I can't get my head around the fact that they are trying to manipulate and control me.

I will be ok though, I am feeling a bit better now and I have a plan I just need to stay strong :)

I am thinking of writing an email to ex p, outlining what I propose for weekly contact with ds, and also making it clear about the fact that he can't hang around any more. I don't want to see him everyday. Do you think that is a good way of doing it? I just don't think a conversation will be good enough I think we need to get it on paper..
I am also thinking of giving him the number for Respect (and nothing more) just so that I can be sure in my mind that he can do something about it if he really wanted to.
And if he chooses not to then I have definitely done the right thing as he knows exactly what he can do as I have told him.
It stops me from doubting myself if you know what I mean, rather than gives me hope that he will change. I know he will not change.

A written communication is a very good idea with this sort of person. Keep a copy of anything you send and of any responses. Should you ever have to argue about contact with children in court (unlikely but just as a for instance) it's good to be able to point to reasonable offers of contact that have been rejected.

No point giving him the number for Respect. I guarantee he does not think he is at fault in any way and - worse - will regard a suggestion to speak to Respect as a direct insult. If he was at all troubled by his behaviour, he would take the initiative & seek help himself. It's not your role to fix him.

Thank you Cogito that sounds like a step in the right direction.
I can't believe I put up with this nasty piece of work for so long.

So even if he is trying to be 'nice' to me, do you think it's ok to keep communication short and business-like, even if he seems upset?
That's the thing that gets me so much.

Definitely. It's a long road and you're not going to do this overnight but you have to start somewhere. Business-like communication that is polite and a little formal is a good way to achieve emotional distance and be assertive. If he gets upset, you either don't engage or you respond with something else formal and business-like.

He knows you don't like conflict. He knows you don't like him to be upset. He knows it gets to you.... So he exploits it. Do you remember that Catherine Tate character Lauren's catchphrase... 'am I bovvered?' That's the attitude you have to present externally, whatever you're really feeling.

Yes, that is it. That is what gets me every single time - feeling bad for the person and absolutely hating to see anyone upset.
That is why that is played on so much. They want me to feel guilty and bad for them.
So basically they don't really feel like that at all? That's what I can't get my head around!

I'm sure sometimes they are genuinely upset... law of averages ... but it's more likely that they are over-dramatizing for effect. The effect they want is that others (you) are intimidated, made anxious, guilty and eager to get back in their good books by smoothing things over. That way they are in control. It's not always conscious. Often it's more bad habit than anything else.

Example from the Cog archives.... back in the 80s I did business with a man who was a bully. One day we were discussing something in his office quite pleasantly when his head went up like a Meerkat. 'It's too quiet. I haven't bollocked the workers for a bit' he said. 'Wait there'. He then proceeded to walk out into the bigger office and give everyone the hairdryer treatment. Swearing, shouting, very aggressive. Pretty soon they were all running about, making phonecalls etc. He came back into his office... 'now where were we?'

That's how I know he was a bully.

He sounds horrible! These people seem to get pleasure from it don't they. Utterly selfish and arrogant.

I suppose the thing is to remember that if they think badly of me, who gives a shit? I have a habit (in the past) of taking their opinion of me very seriously which is a recipe for disaster. And they know it.

I think that I need to have a step by step practical plan to get myself out of this mess. Take back a bit of control and not let others derail me.
It's so so so hard when I feel unhappy. Big motivation is a happy calm loving safe life for ds.

I am going to propose a plan to ex oh re: contact arrangements so that we can have some boundries set in place and written down.

To do list at the ready!

That is a good thing to remember.... 'who cares what they think?' Yourself included. Answer is 'no-one worth bothering about'. A nice home for DS where Mum isn't anxiously tiptoeing about Dad on one of his too-many visits is a good aim.

Good luck proposing the new schedule. Make it quite a definite proposal..... 'it will be happening this way in future'.... rather than any sense of asking his permission. Bullies' default setting is 'no' so you have to assume agreement. 'I'm sure you're OK with sorting out visits at a different location'.

And good luck with the GP.

hello it's me again.
I am not sure what to do I have just had a barrage of headworking emotional abuse from ex oh. It makes me feel so depressed.
I can't believe I have to put up with him forever, how shall I cope?
I wish I never had to see him again :(

I'm so sorry that you are still getting abused by him.
Please block him so he can't text you.
Set up a private email for him only.
Tell him that you only want to know about contact arrangements and everything else will be ignored, or if it is deemed harassment then you will take it to the police.
If he is being abusive in his texts and communications then please do call 101 and ask for the DV team and get it all logged.
Contact Womens Aid again and tell them about this and see what they suggest.
It must be soooo hard but please don't let his mind games get to you.
Definitely see your doctor about all this and get some counselling in place.
Did the outreach worker contact you this week?
How did that go?
Can you contact them again?
It might not feel like it but you are doing really well. Keep going, you'll get there.

A little saying for you:-

“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.”
? Haruki Murakami

Aw Misterbump, sorry to read you are struggling

I agree with blocking all possible means of communication, bar one for contact.
Record/keep all evidence of abusive messages.
Report anything remotely threatening to the police - they DO want to hear about this low-level domestic stuff. Having a paper trail of event might be really important in the future depending on how things go.
Have you sought legal advice? Most family lawyers will give 30-60min for free to help you understand were you stand. Or CAB??
In any communication with him use the 'broken record' technique. "I want to set up some ground rules for contact. I don't wish to discuss anything further. I will inform the police of your abuse". And repeat. And repeat.

What you will have to really truly get your head round is that you cannot make him behave better. You can't. Equally nothing you is causing the abuse. All you can do (it's not easy, but can be done) is change how you respond/react to his behaviour. Try and break entrenched patterns of allowing him to get to you. Apologies if that sounds like victim-blaming, that is not my intention, but if you arrive at a place of strength and truly believing that You Deserve Better That That and Will No Longer Deal With Him On That Level, you can change how you respond to him, verbally and in action. This does NOT mean yelling back.
Don't let him in.
If he tries to get in by force, call the police.
Don't agree to anything you don't want to agree to.
If he yells and shouts, call the police.
Tell him (don't ask!) what access agreements you'd like.
If he kicks off, call the police.

This will not resolve itself over night, but I think you are on the right track to extract yourself from this awful person. And your life will be so much better for it [thank]

Thank you SO SO much for your lovely replies xx virtual hug to you all. I feel spurred on and will keep going. Any time I spend with him now is utterly draining and depressing. Such a contrast to when spending time with nice happy positive people. I am definitely going to strengthen those boundaries and try and not let him push my buttons anymore. He knows me so well and he knows exactly what upsets me. That is his aim, to depress and deflate me. It used to work in the past but I am not going to let him any more. Time to get tough!

Great update OP.
You are sounding strong and resolute.
You will have wobbles and when you do, come on here and vent.
Don't rise to his shitty behaviour.
Sounds patronising, but very proud of you.

Your first post reminds me of the film Muriel's Wedding , where the dad calls his kids useless and a waste of space.

please watch it, it will really cheer you up.

NO WAY are you a waste of space

I've been where you are and although I've cut off most of the nasty people from my life, I am still struggling to get to a good place, but I don't believe any more that the way they see me is the way I am. You don't think you are, otherwise you wouldn't ask. Things can get better, you're taking the first steps. I second what hellsbellsmelons says. WA and their programmes helped me.

Oh, your last post wounds wonderfully determined

A relationship is a good one when the other person makes your feel better, not worse, about yourself.
You should feel that your life is enhanced by having the other person in your life, not diminished.

Just keep on keeping on

So tonight he mumbled something about being 'overweight and underpaid'. He is definitely neither of those things but I am. He said he was talking about himself and 'joking' but I just KNOW he meant it about me. I've just spent the day with his mother and tried hard and didn't do anything to antagonise him. I am really trying to detach but it's so hurtful.

I've just broken a glass by mistake and he says condescendingly 'what is the matter with you? Why did you do that?' This happens ALL the time I really just can't deal with this person he is really running full whack on the emotional put downs now. I don't show him that I am upset by it but it's getting me down...

Hopefully this is just a blip though am going to keep trudging through..x

Is it possible to report behaviour like this, even though you can't put your finger on it but it's textbook freedom programme stuff?

Mister - the reason he is on full whack right now is because you are starting to assert boundaries.

This kind of acceleration in the behaviour you are asserting yourself against is called 'extinction burst' it is where the person demonstrating the undersirable behaviours feels their power to be in decline as the victim of the abuse starts to assert themselves and set boundaries.

The abusive person's behaviour will go far worse before it goes better (or goes away) as there is now a power struggle, you are no longer helpless and they feel insecure in the fact you are trying to stand up to them. They intensify the behaviours as a desperate attempt to reinstate their power in the relationship and get things back on their terms. If you keep to what you have said and stay strong in the face of this storm his behaviours will recede as they will have been proven to be ineffective against your boundaries. That is why it is called 'extinction burst' the intensified undesirable behaviour is like a 'last hurrah' of bad behaviour before the person finds new coping mechanisms as their abusive behaviours are no longer having you under their control! The behaviour is now extinct. They may have other attempts when they think you have softened in the future so never show weak boundaries again.

It is VITAL not to back down with your boundaries at this point or he will be victorious. Basically the last person to back down here will triumph and set the tone for how future interactions will go down - make sure that is you!!

For the sake of your emotional health and your sons - see this man for what he is a very damaged and dangerous individual projecting all his own pain and weakness onto you, but you don't own it - he does, it his HIS damage and pain to own and get help for.

You, however are strong within, you are a mother no less - you can do this for the time it will take to prevail, this is a huge battle prepare to win it and then you will be able to stand firm in any storm, you will know yourself and be able to figure out what you want and do not want in life and stand up for these! You have the strength in you for you and your ds and you need to use it now. Your strength is you love for your ds, you can and will do it for him, fight the emotional warfare and win - I did and you can.

Decide on boundaries that will improve your situation and stick to these for the love of your own well-being and your beautiful ds, there is far more at play here than the small victories themselves, you need to win each of these to win the war.

Practice saying things like 'no that won't be happening, I've already said so' and DO NOT LET IT HAPPEN!

Repeat like a parrot 'No I don't want to' and 'No you can't, we've had this conversation and you know why!' and importantly 'yes I hear that you want (whatever) but I have said .......(boundary) so that won't be happening'. Repeat repeat repeat ad infinitum - he will rage, get police each and every time you cant cope with his reactions.

Don't ask me how I know all this (long story) but I do know these techniques will save yourself, your son and your self-esteem ie everything you need for your future - these techniques are your way out of the mental prison so use them and run free from this abuse and the depressive illness it brings about!

I feel sure you CAN do this! I will be thinking of you!

Oh, misterBump, that is no way to live and you now know that.

Please read and reread Balls' post - all v good points and very true.

'Broken record' technique is v useful.

You say 'I didn't do anything to antagonise him' - You know that his behaviour has nothing to do with what you do or don't do. He may use something you say or do as an excuse to kick off, but it is HIS choice how to react.

Make sure you are safe - I don't think that the police would be able to do anything about verbal putdowns, but if you assert boundaries ("No, I am not going to your mother's" and repeat) and he becomes verbally abusive, then you call the police.

Do you have plans, going forward?

Is it possible to report behaviour like this, even though you can't put your finger on it but it's textbook freedom programme stuff?

I think if you have recorded the incidents (as you have done on here, so keep posting) they can be used to give a better picture of what's been happening both now and for the future in case there are legal issues regarding the children. As Balls has said this is part of the pattern but you do need to be realistic about the fact that it may escalate into physical violence.

But I think only you can judge how far he's going to go if you do assert yourself verbally, as Pacific has said it might just lead to shouting and that would be a good opportunity to get full backup immediately from the Police and the support services would kick in for you to leave safely. However it is a bit of a gamble and as I said only you could tell what the consequences may be.

You need to understand that he WANTS to hurt you already, this is what the verbal put downs are, many years ago he would have just battered you but he knows he can't do that and this is his only option. Remember also that he might be doing this completely without awareness and understanding of why he does it so although he wants to hurt you, he may not realise it himself. In his mind it might appear as something completely different, like being cruel to be kind, or that you deserve or need him to be like that, or that he needs to be in control and if not he's being soft or not manly enough.

But whatever the whys and wherefores of his behaviour you need to make that escape plan.