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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I a waste of space

98 replies

Misterbumpbump · 12/03/2015 22:42

So my ex has no respect for me, he thinks I am lazy fat, stupid, sinking into a mire
My father thinks I am lazy, stupid, rude, nasty, offensive.
My mother thinks I am a bitch, self absorbed.

Every day is a battle to be positive and try and not think about these things too much because that is what I truely believe about myself.

Tonight I have drunk a bottle of wine and I haven't drunk a drop for weeks, I was doing so well.
Sorry just had to write it down x

OP posts:
PacificDogwood · 15/03/2015 10:17

Happy Mother's Day to you too, Misterbump ThanksSmile

"Cessation of abuse does not kindness make" would make a great cross-stitch sampler.

Original poster
Misterbumpbump · 15/03/2015 10:18

i need to set some ground rules about when/where we meet with ds. He is very very bad at being reliable and messes me around a lot with regards to plans that have been made. He is making me out to be controlling and laying the law down because I have said that I am not going to plan things around him, I am going to get on with my plans regardless. Am I being controlling? He says I am..

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Original poster
Misterbumpbump · 15/03/2015 10:19

Good idea Pacific! Xx

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/03/2015 11:17

You're being assertive, not controlling. You're asserting yourself by insisting on doing things in a particular way and you're being very reasonable about it. An unreasonable and bullying person like your ex sees anyone who doesn't agree with them as 'unreasonable'.... or 'controlling' or 'crazy' or 'bullying'. He wants his own way.

So keep asserting yourself. You're an independent woman now and the buck stops with you. You are not responsible for making others happy. You are not in the business of people pleasing any more. You are responsible for deciding what's best for you and your child and sometimes you are going to have to sharpen your elbows to get what you need!!!!

Keep asserting yourself. You'll be amazed what you can achieve

Original poster
Misterbumpbump · 15/03/2015 16:10

Thanks Cognito. He is just sitting in the next room watching football and I feel so used.
I want him to bugger off because it is upsetting me how little he cares.
He actually almost got me going to the shop to get him dinner (because he is too busy watching football). What am I doing?!?!
He should just fuck off home Angry

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/03/2015 16:26

So tell him to go home. Switch off the TV, open the door and tell him the visit is over and not to plan on returning. He shouldn't be in your home any more. He lives somewhere else.

PacificDogwood · 15/03/2015 16:28

I started typing something about maybe not using those exact words, but yes, do tell him to go. And not come back.
What is he using your electricity for??
He is upsetting you by his sheer presence - send him packing.

Original poster
Misterbumpbump · 15/03/2015 23:36

Well, he didn't go until later on. It's hard because he wants to be with his son I can't stop him. I just need to figure out some ground rules and present them to him so we know where we stand.
Why are they like this? I just can't get my head around this revelation that he is a perpetrator, just like the others and that he will never change. It's shocking, really. That people can be so nasty

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/03/2015 23:46

If he wants to be with his son that's fine but the ground rule is that you agree the time and the location for visits between you and the visits will not be in your home any more.

Why are they like this? Because they are small, inadequate people who have nothing going for them and who need to make others feel small or scared in order to feel any sense of self-worth. There's a phrase for it 'predatory self-esteem'. By sitting in your home, watching sport (which you don't like) on your TV, demanding food, insulting you and (correct me if I'm wrong) not doing anything very much with the child, he's getting pleasure out of making you uncomfortable.

Keep him out, cancel Sky and make new arrangements for access going forward....

Original poster
Misterbumpbump · 16/03/2015 06:53

Yes, all that rings true. I've just been looking up predatory self esteem on Google. Omg, it rings true for pretty much all the treatment I have had through my life from people who are supposed to love me. I am finding this so hard, I feel so messed up inside.

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Original poster
Misterbumpbump · 16/03/2015 06:55

But then a big part of me wonders if I am just winding myself up and should stop being such a drama queen. That's the other but I am struggling with. I do know I feel very messed up though x

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Original poster
Misterbumpbump · 16/03/2015 06:59

I am not normal and there is something wrong with meand I was irresponsible to have a child because I am not cut out to provide him with the life that he deserves. I am damaged with no friends or loved ones and he will find that out soon enough Sad
Sorry for this x

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Original poster
Misterbumpbump · 16/03/2015 07:03

It's SO much easier to blame myself, that is what I am used to. This seems too big for me to deal with. I almost wish I could go back to blaming myself and not know all these things.

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Original poster
Misterbumpbump · 16/03/2015 07:06

I sound so selfish, sorry x

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/03/2015 07:10

It is upsetting to realise that there are people like this in the world - bullies - and that you've been unlucky to be on the receiving end of their treatment. But once you understand what's going on you can adjust. The main adjustment is to accept that the way they behave is not your fault and nothing you can do will turn them into a decent human being.

So if you're holding out hopes that, by beijg hospitable making access to his child easier, he'll become kinder and more cooperative - it's unlikely.

Original poster
Misterbumpbump · 16/03/2015 07:11

The other thing I am struggling with is the idea of washing my hands of them. These are supposed to be my loved ones. It doesn't feel natural to write them off as, well... Bastards tbh. Which I know deep down they are. I feel i should be trying to help them and get them to find help x

OP posts:
petalsandstars · 16/03/2015 07:12

You have knowledge now though that you were a victim and you can take steps now to take control and not be victimised any longer Flowers

Original poster
Misterbumpbump · 16/03/2015 07:12

Thank you Cogito x we crossed posts. Yes I just have to just get my head around the reality of the situation and be strong

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Original poster
Misterbumpbump · 16/03/2015 07:14

Yes, it's just the knowledge is overwhelming and depressing and the world seems like a nasty place right now (apart from you all of course x)

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Original poster
Misterbumpbump · 16/03/2015 07:17

It's the depression which is really getting to me Sad

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/03/2015 07:17

The reality is that you can't change people. There is nothing anyone could say or do (I'm guessing) to turn you into a bully because that's not your nature. There's nothing you can say or do to stop these other people being nasty pieces of work because that's their nature.

All you can usefully do is recognise bullies, stand up to them and/or give them a wide berth.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/03/2015 07:17

If you're depressed, please see your doctor.

Original poster
Misterbumpbump · 16/03/2015 07:19

I'm already on anti depressants I might see gp again.,

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Original poster
Misterbumpbump · 16/03/2015 07:21

sorry, this is just a blip I know, I will be fine I am going to be strong x

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/03/2015 07:23

You could ask them if, besides medication, there are other therapies available to you. I think you also need practical support and specific advice as a survivor of domestic abuse - does the doctor know the full story? Would you consider talking to Women's Aid 0808 2000 247?

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