Am I a waste of space

[Misterbumpbump]

So my ex has no respect for me, he thinks I am lazy fat, stupid, sinking into a mire
My father thinks I am lazy, stupid, rude, nasty, offensive.
My mother thinks I am a bitch, self absorbed.

Every day is a battle to be positive and try and not think about these things too much because that is what I truely believe about myself.

Tonight I have drunk a bottle of wine and I haven't drunk a drop for weeks, I was doing so well.
Sorry just had to write it down x

I think you've got two separate issues here: an abusive ex who you've rightfully given the boot, and abusive parents.

The fact you've been brought up by abusive parents means you have fallen into a relationship with an abusive man because it's familiar. Really well done on kicking the idiot out and standing up for yourself and your DS.

As a PP suggested, do the Freedom Programme from Wa (you can do it online if you can't get to a local meeting). Time to move forward and get him out of your life for good.

Since he doesn't live with you, it's fuck all to do with him if you cancel Sky or anything else. It's also not your job to keep him happy or make it easy for him to see DS. Have you seen a solicitor re formal access arrangements? That might be a way forward. If the violence was reported to the police (and you could still do this now, especially if you have any texts or voicemails from him saying "oh it was nothing stop making a fuss", which is basically him confessing) my understanding is that you can apply for legal aid. Women's Aid can advise further on this.

Once you've got the tosser out of your hair as much as possible, you can start to work on recovering from your childhood of emotional and verbal abuser. You will come out the other side much stronger and able to recognise abusive behaviour before it ramps up and steer clear of any idiots in future who try to take advantage of you.

You are not stupid or lazy or useless or a waste of space. You are a strong human being and mother and you deserve relationships where you are treated with respect.

I meant to say 'check if you can swop your tenancy into your name alone'.

I think you need good practical advice- I don't know where you are with reporting his violence/contacting anyone for help, but do go down that route as then the things like sorting out the tenancy will all fall into place more.

Do you feel you could call Women's Aid and ask for their help? I think you may need outside help to get this tosser out of your home for once and for all.

Telling someone that they're fat and lazy, and then complaining that they are rude... why does the phrase "the pot calling the kettle black" come to mind?

We both own the house, so the only way would be to buy him out which would be the dream..

I've just spoken to someone from Respect, and feel utterly depressed from the conversation. She basically said that in her years of working with thousands of women in refuges, she has never come across anyone who minimises the abuse as much as I am. It's extremely bad. She said I need help urgently, and to get an outreach worker. The Freedom Programme is not enough.

Anyway, I am arranging for an outreach worker I am pleased about that.

But the worse thing is she made me feel that my son is in danger, and (maybe I am being oversensitive here) she said that there is nothing that I can do about the fact I have a child with him. What's done is done and I have to get on with it. Things will never change and I have to get on with it the best I can. My ds is the best thing that has ever happened to me!! Without him I probably would have continued being treated like this.

I feel sick to the stomach that this might affect my ds and I told her that. I am scared he will become abusive too, and/or suffer from unhappiness.
She did have a point about me needing to become tougher, but she said I should cut all contact completely with my ex oh and also my parents. So I never see or speak to them. It just seems a bit extreme. Maybe that's the only way though..

She was right, I think, that my experiences have been very damaging. I think that is what I am depressed about. It will take me many many years to recover from this and it will never go away. Great. Will I ever be happy?
It just all seems so bleak. sorry, long post.
x

I think you've had some good advice from Respect but it is so far from where you are now that you are not going to be able to adjust overnight. So you have to be realistic and tackle things a bit at a time. Baby steps.....

The 'easiest' one to achieve is to stop your ex coming to your home. It won't stop his abuse but it'll make it far more difficult for him and it'll make your home a place of safety and calm for yourself and your DS. (And I'm glad you feel your DS is at risk because that will motivate you) If you are joint owners, is buying him out realistic or not something you can afford?

"Will I ever be happy?"

Happy 100% of the time? No. Nobody is. :) But you can be happy for as little as ten minutes a day and it will make you feel better about yourself and more optimistic about the future. So make space in your day to be happy. Go for a walk in the sunshine or read a book with your DS. Grab any opportunity to relax and have fun. Be someone who says 'yes' to new experiences. It all helps.

You could get a lodger to cover his part of the mortgage. There are plenty of people looking for somewhere to live.

Before you cut all contact I would say gather your evidence - you need a good case against him and it's going to be a lot easier if there is a lot of evidence. What evidence do you have at present?

And forgive yourself for minimising the abuse, anyone in your position would have done the same thing, it's how some people react - a survival technique.

And be kind to yourself, you're probably in shock after your discussion with the Respect person. It must be very traumatic to have to look at yourself like this, seeing your life in perspective.

Have a cup of sugary tea and make a plan (and find a healthy distracting activity like crochet to keep your mind off it a bit).

Yes, I think I am in shock..
which is weird because I thought I had got my head around it ages ago. Maybe not enough..

Have you actually spoken to anyone in person about it before?

I was also wondering if you've had therapy or counselling of some kind to help you with any of this

It is always a shock to have your experiences validated and be told "Yes you are right to be bloody angry about this".

I think it also comes as more meaningful when it's someone in "real life" saying it and not just a bunch of women, however nice, on t'internet.

How old is your DS?

I did start counselling but it was general and she did not seem clued up on domestic abusive. Had not heard about the freedom programme for example. So I stopped that as didn't get on with it.
I am expecting a call from an outreach worker this week, I think that is like counselling? Not sure.
My ds is 16 months. I feel so guilty that I've dragged him into this I just had no idea until recently. I just don't want him to be affected.
stupidly I still have hope that ex oh can get better - not so we can get back together but so that he doesn't impact on ds.
I just hate feeling this low. I was doing well and feeling happier but today I have nosedived. I feel so confused and muddled I want to tear my hair out. I just don't know where to start..

I would ask the outreach worker's advice on counselling opportunities.

You haven't dragged DS into anything. You're not the one behaving badly & you didn't set out to be in abusive relationship or to choose an abusive partner. The worst that can be levelled at you is that you were unlucky in your choice of partner. Definitely don't bank on your ex getting better, however. Abusive bullies tend to remain that way because they don't believe they are in the wrong.

DS is small enough not to be affected. He won't remember a time when Dad lived at home so, to him, it will be quite normal that life consists of you and him together. He will accept the world as you present it to him and I'm sure you'll do your best to make it a calm, happy, loving and secure world. What more could a child want?

I think what the Respect worker might have been concerned about is that if your partner is violent that he might react badly if you make it clear to him that you're separating.

At the moment he still thinks he's 'got' you, he can come to your house, he can play the Daddy but when you really truly put your foot down and really reduce contact or become particularly assertive he could become dangerous - it is a very common pattern in abusive relationships. They're find as long as they still have control. Then when they know they've truly lost you they flip.

So I would also add to her concern by suggesting keep the status quo with him at the moment until you have all the backup you can and can leave safely.

Well, I think you've taken a really important step with speaking to Respect and arranging for the outreach person to visit .

Try not to get too far ahead of yourself - baby steps.
You will have ups and down, good days and bad days when you ask yourself whether you are doing the right thing.
Your DS will have a far better and functional upbringing and a better chance to turn in to a well-adjusted person if you keep him away from abuse and verbal sparring and being put-down - or him growing up with the idea that this is how women are to be treated.
You will be happy again - not all of the time and not at the heights of ecstacy, but equally you will no longer walk on eggshells, worried about 'saying the wrong thing' or being told how rubbish you are.

Your DS is in more danger if YOU as his mother do not keep him safe and away from his father. IMO you'd be well-advised to contact SW yourself and ask for help, telling them you are leaving an abusive relationship and are fearful of your and his safety. By making clear that your DS is your priority (and not appeasing your abuser) you will ensure that you have support and no criticism from that quarter.

As others have said, keep your ex-P out. Change locks, inform the police on 111 and thing about whether somebody could stay with you whenever he is due to come home.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life - so bloody well done

Thank you so much everyone x

I really hope this is just a down day because I feel so low today it's all consuming ..

The thing is I don't know what to think or do because I have always been conditioned to believe that I am not allowed to be emotional and that any feelings I do have are wrong. If I was upset I got bollocked. If THEY were upset however, they would announce it dramatically and more often than not it was MY fault because I was so selfish and rude, impossible etc. Suppressing emotions and getting on with it is the best way to go about things.

I was also often used as the person to try and fix their problems so I felt that was my job to counsel them which I spent a lot of time doing. Trying to fix their relationship, then they would turn on me. Still do.

Mister, it will take time and a lot of hard work to emerge from many years of conditioning, but it can be done

Have you had a look at the Stately Homes threads?

Does your GP know what you are going through? It might be worthwhile speaking to them about what options there are to help you through this.

I told my gp but I am quite disappointed in them tbh. He is here today seeing ds, being nice as pie (although the disdain for me is still coming through somewhat no matter how hard he tries) I was all prepared to put my foot down and say he must go home after he has seen ds, but he has now gone to get us all dinner and he said he wants us all to go out tomorrow for Mother's Day. Its almost harder when he is like this as the confusion sets in. And the problem is deep down I think I want him to stay for dinner and I like the idea of going out tomorrow. Maybe it's the hope of normality. I am my own worst enemy!! X

No, you are hoping against hope that this relationship could turn into the kind of relationship you would like.

He is sucking you back in aka 'hoovering'.
It's really common in emotionally abusive relationships.
You are not you own worst enemy - you are you and you are worth so much more. You have just begun to see the cracks - keep looking.

I am sorry you did not have much joy with your GP. Is there another one you could see?

Sorry, I can't really read back but has anybody linked to the Freedom Program yet?
Have a look - you can do this online if you wish.

Thank you Pacific yes I am on the freedom programme - it's really eye opening but I just struggle with the emotional bit.
It was hard tonight because he didn't get shitty with me, helped me clear up voluntarily and left early when I asked him to without a fuss, taking some more of the bags that I packed for him with stuff he still has at the house. So now I am wondering if he will change which I know is asking for trouble and disappointment I need to stay on course. Need to keep remembering it's tactics and manipulation.

'didn't get shitty with me'

Can I ask you to write this down on a piece of paper and put it somewhere you can see it?

Never mistake the cessation of abuse for kindness

Someone who has stopped being shitty is not a kind person. They are an abusive person pretending to be kind in order to get what they want. Glad you're engaging with the Freedom Programme. You're a good person and you deserve better in life, so keep telling yourself that.

Thank you Cogito, very wise words. And you are right, he called this morning and is back to his grumpy entitled self..

Happy mothers day everyone xxxx