How to repair myself after a lifetime of critical parenting?

[sailawayblueskies]

I will cut a long story short.

I have always had a tempestuous relationship with my mother. In my family I'm seen as the 'difficult' one, the 'feisty' one, she 'can't say anything to me' etc.

My Dad worked a lot and is a very hands off parent, combined with being very strict and a disciplinarian. He doesn't 'do' praise or affection.

Anyway...having spent years spending time with my parents then feeling bad for snapping at my mother, feeling everything is all my fault, that I am too difficult to get along with (even thought in the rest of my life I have longlasting friendships and lots of friends, I am not trying smug or boast but I make and keep friends really easily - I say this to point the contrast out between my parents dialogue of me and my actual life).

Anyway, I'm doing a very tough Uni course at the moment, I have been plagued with low self esteem and a lack of confidence - even though my results and feedback have been good, I cannot seem to believe it.

I've thought and thought about why I have such a low opinion of myself and it's really made me reflect on my interactions with my parents. They visited a couple of weeks ago. Before they came I said the house might be a bit untidy as I have been snowed under with work. The visit went like this:

• my Dad walks in the door and says "what's all this about not getting through your work? Why aren't you keeping on top of it?" (I am actually ahead on my Uni assignments but I have Uni, placements, 2 small children and pets to look after as well, it's a lot to manage). This is an example of how, if I explain something is difficult for me I will basically be accused of not being good enough.

• my mother interrogated me about things that don't work in the house (she always does this - why is the fence leaning? Why haven't you fixed the second shower yet? Why do you have the furniture arranged in this way, why have you put away X toy that she bought for the DC TWO years ago (gigantic playmobil house that has been up in DDs room for the last two years taking over an entire corner of her room)

• general low level sniping and giving the impression that I am pretty incompetent at almost everything. Along with criticising my diet, telling me that I carry all my fat around my middle, pointing out to other people that I carry all my fat around my middle, accusing me of being too incompetent to look up a postcode correctly because her satnav couldn't find it (it was because it was a new address and her satnav maps weren't up to date).

• my father doesn't think our house is good enough so will go on long walks around the area and then come back tell us which houses we should move to instead (we our happy with our house, it's perfectly nice - 4 bed detached, not too small, decorated nicely)

So that sums up a weekend visit from them.

I think I've FINALLY worked out that my lack of confidence may be related to having been raised by people who constantly tell me what I am doing wrong and NEVER tell me I am doing anything right.

The question is, where do I go from here?

I have been through eating disorder, substance misuse and alcohol addiction and I am out of the other side of all of those things. Actually, I think I am quite a strong person but I don't think I am prepared to put up with this kind of attitude for the rest of their lives.

It's not right, is it? To criticise someone so much? I'm 36 years old for god's sake, do they really need to point out so frequently where I am going wrong.

Not sure why I am posting really, for advice on where to go next I guess - I feel like I have done the hardest part by finally seeing that maybe I'm not the 'difficult' one, perhaps I am just defensive about how they speak to me.

I'm debating speaking to my brother about how he feels about it, though he has a long history of mental health problems and his way of dealing with them is to completely withdraw - if he is invited over for dinner he literally cannot sit at the table for the full length of the meal, he will 'go out for a smoke' and not come back til it's time to leave.

Sorry, that wasn't short at all!

Of course it's not right. I don't think it helps being soft-soaped through life but there's a balance to be struck and your parents sound like they need a session with Thumper Rabbit's mother..... 'if you can't say something nice, don't say nothing at all'. :)

If you're already regarded as the difficult, tempestuous one I'd take advantage of it and tell them to fuck off to the far side of fuck and then fuck off some more. Seriously. They were in your home, they were really unpleasant guests and you'd have been well within your rights to turn them straight back round and tell them to leave. Life's too short to waste it with people who just want to bring you down.

Thanks cogito, I guess I'm worried about playing into their hands. If I don't accept their crap then whatever I say or do plays straight into their "see, I told you she was difficult" trap!

But you're right, perhaps I just need to embrace that and go for it!

Your brother has also suffered at the hands of his parents hasn't he?.

Re your comment:-
"I think I've FINALLY worked out that my lack of confidence may be related to having been raised by people who constantly tell me what I am doing wrong and NEVER tell me I am doing anything right".

Precisely. And no you are not being overtly defensive or at all too sensitive (these are two of many charges levelled at their unfortunate offspring by such dysfunctional toxic parents). They I think are the root cause of your low self worth and confidence.

It is NOT your fault they are the ways they are; their own families of origin did that lot of damage to them.

No, its not right at all that you have been treated so shabbily; your parents frankly have failed at being parents. You seem to be their scapegoat for all their inherent ills; scapegoats are often cited as being so called difficult and feisty. I would think twice from now on about at all letting them into your home and I would curtail all further contact with them to boot.

All this sniping at you as well, presumably they did all that within earshot of your children. It does them no favours at all to see their mother being so disrespected by their grandparents. Infact they are not fab as grandparents to your children either are they?. They were not great parents to you.

I would suggest you read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward as a starting point and post on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages. It may be a good idea for you to find a therapist but importantly one who has NO bias about keeping families together despite the presence of mistreatment.

And get rid of that playhouse particularly in the event that your DD no longer plays with it.

"But you're right, perhaps I just need to embrace that and go for it!"

You can even join my 'Awkward Bugger Club'.. (membership 1) .. if you like. After a childhood of being extremely compliant and eager to please, I've grown up to be the difficult one in my family & I never do as I'm told. It's wonderfully liberating. BTW.. my stock response to any criticism now is 'did you call/visit me just to have a go or was there some other reason?' It got a lot of face reactions in the early days but the criticisms have magically reduced.

Be difficult. Nice guys get nothing

Ok, thank you Attila and Cogito, you have no idea how much it means to get someone else's perspective on this. I actually can't believe how long it's taken me to put the pieces together.

I had an issue with alcohol all through my late teens and 20s, but now that I no longer drink it's like the clouds have cleared and I've started to understand a bit more...

Cogito - you're right, I do need to be the difficult one, and just stand up to it. My mother insulted me on the phone last week and when I called her on it she didn't apologise. I later emailed her to say that she had actually offended me with her words (she told me I was rubbish at something, and I'm actually not).

She hasn't replied (and I know she's read the email).

I think I need to pick her up on. Every. Single. Thing.

Attila - I get free counselling through the Uni and am starting next week. I'm not sure what kind of counselling it is though...

Your mother will not likely reply to that e-mail you sent either. I would now consider blocking her e-mail address along with all their means of communication to you as well.

It is hard to become more assertive after a lifetime of being so downtrodden so I would suggest you now seek out a therapist to start to unpick all of this crap they taught you. BACP are good and do not charge the earth. NHS counselling can have huge waiting lists, be limited in scope and you would probably only receive 6 sessions.

What you can also do here is further raise and reassert your own boundaries here with regards to them; what is and is not acceptable to you and call them on any and all transgressions every time. They won't like it and will likely accuse you of being difficult again. Boundaries are extremely important.

Cross posted with your message re the free counselling you will receive at Uni. I would say that try one session by all means but bear in mind that counsellors are like shoes; you need to find someone who fits in with you. You certainly will need to see someone who has no bias about keeping families together despite the presence of mistreatment and ultimately this may not be the right person for you.

Maybe not every single thing. Pick your battles and all that. Also, never expect an apology. When you call them out, do it because it makes you feel better about yourself rather than because you expect them to show remorse or understanding.

My other tip is not to let on that they have offended or upset you because that's what bullies want to hear (and they are bullies let's be clear about it). Always turn it back on them. Example..... Do not say 'you have offended me'. Say 'you are being offensive'. Do not say 'you have hurt my feelings'. Say 'you are talking rubbish' or 'you're being ridiculous'.

'What's this about not keeping on top of your work?'
'Don't think that's any of your business, do you Dad?'

'That house round the corner is much nicer than yours'
'So when are you moving into it?'

Great that you are getting counselling.

I remember once sitting at a table and one of my parents said something like 'Well, we always raised you to be confident and have good self-esteem'. My parents couldn't understand why my sister and I fell about in gales of laughter.

My father is the sort of man who always looked for any potential weak spot in any achievement and went for it with a vengeance. Or if there was no discernible weak spot, would say that the overall achievement wasn't worth much... I don't have much to do with him these days and I am afraid that you probably need to follow a similar course.

Top tips:

1. pull them up on criticism, every time.

2. contact them less often

3. don't share worries, concerns or things that are going less well as it just gives them ammunition.

Indeed re never expecting an apology. People like your parents OP never apologise nor even accept any responsibility for their actions.

OK, maybe not every time. Cogito is probably wiser than me!

If all else fails maybe remind them that one day, you'll be the one picking their care home. Really shit them up :)

Ok, this is really helping, thank you.

The other thing my Dad does - he does this to DH as well - he'll interrogate me about how something is going. So Uni, lots of questions, how's it going, how are you managing the work on and on and on. Then when I see good, great, I'm doing good or whatever it's just "mmm" "mmm" as if I'm not saying something good? Like I'm actually saying that things are shit, that I'm crap, that I'm failing.

He does it to DH, how's work going is he happy there, then it moves on to has DH thought about leaving (no, DH is happy and successful in his job) then all the "mmm" "mmm" stuff. There is NEVER a positive reaction, no matter what we tell him. WHY does he ask then???

They drive DH absolutely round the bend, the way they turn up, march around like they own our house, comment on anything. They also do things like leave shoes lying around all over the lounge carpet and leave newspapers all over the place (which my Mum will then tell me off for tidying up) which doesn't sound much but they would never do that in their own home?! They put their shoes away at home but leave them all over the floors in MY house and then my Mum will have a go at me because she can't find her shoes. She knows where the shoe cupboard is!

(and I HAVE to move the shoes, because we have pets and I hoover twice daily)

Don't allow yourself to be interrogated. Never give personal information to bullying parents Keep any conversation to the strictly trivial and banal. Anything else is pointless

'How are things going at Uni?'
'Great thanks... cup of coffee?'
'How's the course?'
'Terrific.... so how are Auntie Ethel's bunyons?.
'How's DH's job?
'Marvellous.... so aren't the daffodils good this year?'

Deflect, deflect, deflect.

Give your DH permission to pick them up on things. To challenge them. They are being extremely rude to him in -his- house, as well as your house.

First though you need to sit down and think through what will happen when you start picking them up on criticisms. Which my god really needs to be done. How will they take it? will they strop, will they sulk? will they insist on an apology? how will you handle that? what happens if you end up being considerably more distant with them? (woudl you cheer? :) )

And stand with yoru husband 100%!

By the way it's amazing how much better life is when you're not being criticised for absolutely everything.

" the way they turn up"

Do they live close enough that they literally just turn up without notice or far enough away that they have to call first?

They are (thankfully) 150 miles away, but tge downside of that is that it means overnighters are always required.

I know exactly how they will react to being called out as they do it already whenever I defend myself - exaggerated, dramatic 'tiptoeing' around me because oh dear, they aren't allowed to say anything to me. Finding passive aggressive ways to show disapproval (that's what the 'innocent' questions about the fence/playmobil/shower are about) so they'll 'innocently" ask something and when I explain why it's broken it's all pursed lips and 'ooh I daren't say anything about that' type behaviour.

My mum has attempted to get round some of it by making lots of "helpful" suggestions - oh, I think the telly would be nicer over here, ooh have you thought about selling that dresser etc.

So she's basically still telling me she thinks my house is all wrong but thinks she's cleverly disguising her criticism as helpful advice (she's quite smug about how clever she's being with this as I think she realises it's much harder for me to challenge)

I am kicking myself for letting them get more involved in my life since the DC came along. I had very strong boundaries before that and would basically visit when I felt up to it, plus when we lived in a flat there was nowhere for them to stay at our place.

cogito you're absolutely right about not telling them personal stuff, why have I allowed myself to be drawn back in?

7 years ago I passed my driving test and I didn't even tell them I waa having lessons because o knew they would destroy my confidence. Why am I telling them things about stuff that matters to me now?! argh!

The most important thing for me now is to not repeat this shit with my own kids, I'm scared I'll do it to them because it's always seemed so normal

I get that one.... 'they're not allowed to say anything!'. Answer is 'no you're not'... big smile. Pursed lips are met with an eye-roll.... If the telly would be nicer over there or the dresser flogged on E-Bay .... 'I don't think so' ... big smile (battle picking)

(I came back from a business trip once to find that DM had 'helpfully' hired men to hack some conifers to bits in my garden. Done so badly, I might add that I had to pay to have them completely removed.... I can laugh about it now, just)

If you spend enough time together with someone something personal is bound to creep into the conversation. It's tough to fill a whole weekend talking about the weather. Don't beat yourself up too badly but resolve not to spend so much time with them

You will not repeat this shit with your own kids because you have something they don't.... self-awareness. In fact, you will probably over-compensate in some way and your kids will complain about that instead. :)

Your parents are so like mine it's funny.

My sister's house comes in for the most criticism because it's messier, she has to ring me once they've left. But everything else in both of our lives are up for disapproval.

As I suspect is the case with your parents, their criticism is not a reasoned response, but a purely knee-jerk emotional reaction. They're just blanketly negative about everything.

I really recognise the 'innocent questions' and then the forebearance to comment that follows it...