How to repair myself after a lifetime of critical parenting?

[sailawayblueskies]

I will cut a long story short.

I have always had a tempestuous relationship with my mother. In my family I'm seen as the 'difficult' one, the 'feisty' one, she 'can't say anything to me' etc.

My Dad worked a lot and is a very hands off parent, combined with being very strict and a disciplinarian. He doesn't 'do' praise or affection.

Anyway...having spent years spending time with my parents then feeling bad for snapping at my mother, feeling everything is all my fault, that I am too difficult to get along with (even thought in the rest of my life I have longlasting friendships and lots of friends, I am not trying smug or boast but I make and keep friends really easily - I say this to point the contrast out between my parents dialogue of me and my actual life).

Anyway, I'm doing a very tough Uni course at the moment, I have been plagued with low self esteem and a lack of confidence - even though my results and feedback have been good, I cannot seem to believe it.

I've thought and thought about why I have such a low opinion of myself and it's really made me reflect on my interactions with my parents. They visited a couple of weeks ago. Before they came I said the house might be a bit untidy as I have been snowed under with work. The visit went like this:

• my Dad walks in the door and says "what's all this about not getting through your work? Why aren't you keeping on top of it?" (I am actually ahead on my Uni assignments but I have Uni, placements, 2 small children and pets to look after as well, it's a lot to manage). This is an example of how, if I explain something is difficult for me I will basically be accused of not being good enough.

• my mother interrogated me about things that don't work in the house (she always does this - why is the fence leaning? Why haven't you fixed the second shower yet? Why do you have the furniture arranged in this way, why have you put away X toy that she bought for the DC TWO years ago (gigantic playmobil house that has been up in DDs room for the last two years taking over an entire corner of her room)

• general low level sniping and giving the impression that I am pretty incompetent at almost everything. Along with criticising my diet, telling me that I carry all my fat around my middle, pointing out to other people that I carry all my fat around my middle, accusing me of being too incompetent to look up a postcode correctly because her satnav couldn't find it (it was because it was a new address and her satnav maps weren't up to date).

• my father doesn't think our house is good enough so will go on long walks around the area and then come back tell us which houses we should move to instead (we our happy with our house, it's perfectly nice - 4 bed detached, not too small, decorated nicely)

So that sums up a weekend visit from them.

I think I've FINALLY worked out that my lack of confidence may be related to having been raised by people who constantly tell me what I am doing wrong and NEVER tell me I am doing anything right.

The question is, where do I go from here?

I have been through eating disorder, substance misuse and alcohol addiction and I am out of the other side of all of those things. Actually, I think I am quite a strong person but I don't think I am prepared to put up with this kind of attitude for the rest of their lives.

It's not right, is it? To criticise someone so much? I'm 36 years old for god's sake, do they really need to point out so frequently where I am going wrong.

Not sure why I am posting really, for advice on where to go next I guess - I feel like I have done the hardest part by finally seeing that maybe I'm not the 'difficult' one, perhaps I am just defensive about how they speak to me.

I'm debating speaking to my brother about how he feels about it, though he has a long history of mental health problems and his way of dealing with them is to completely withdraw - if he is invited over for dinner he literally cannot sit at the table for the full length of the meal, he will 'go out for a smoke' and not come back til it's time to leave.

Cognito is correct (as ever!)

I have a very difficult relationship with my birth mother (too long a story to tell you) and have felt very alone for 14 years since late-hubby died. We had a great relationship with my BDad but after he died, my BMother had a free rein on her tongue. We still had her for holidays - and I somehow coped but my DH died 3 years later.

I tried to be the dutiful daughter as usual but was exhausted with the criticism, the rolling eyes, the snide comments about my animals.... the list is endless! After 2 years of counselling, I realised I could never do right for doing wrong. That is when I re-evaluated my entire life.

I still visit - but book a cottage 45 mins away so that I don't have to leave my dog with friends.

I limit my visits during the fortnight to 2 afternoons per week usually with another sibling. And I have my 'get-away-car' parked outside. (I owe her nothing but civility and caring.) If I feel like doing an extra day then I phone and she is delighted and on best behaviour.

When I visit her I also talk about her garden - "how lovely!" (Yes, younger sibling did that for me.) How is Aunty xx - that takes up a good 20 mins!

I refuse to be compared to an elder sister who phones every day and does shopping once a week. I have been there several times when elder sibling has arrived with shopping and she is always busy - in a hurry - doesn't sit down - won't take her coat off! But the sun still shines out of her bum in BMother's eyes!

BMother is 90 years old now so I have learned not to do any conversations she needs to 'remember'. (She has always been a re-writer of history anyway).

If she tells me she hasn't spoken to me on the phone for 4 days, I no longer remind her I phoned last night and tell her I will post a copy of my itemised phone bill. I am in such a good space now that IT DOESN'T MATTER! I just say, "Oh sorry about that - but how is Aunty xx doing now?"

The difference between you and me sailaway is that my BDad never criticised. So I only had to / have to handle ONE critical parent. My BDad was very practical, so I always 'saved' jobs/advice for when he came. He was valued - and probably preferred fixing a leaking tap than listen to my BMother.

I know I have wittered - but if you can find anything in my post to help you, then it was worth it.

Take care x x

DO speak to your brother, build a bond with him outside the realm of your parents. It may take time for him to understand what's going on, even if he knows it's awful.

DON'T cut contact, now that you know the score, you know they're just being crap, pity them for their sad lives. By all means keep your distance but it will be easier to manage the situation with controlled visits than going cold turkey, that can end up creating more problems in the long run and other family members invariably get recruited and then it gets messy, also you will feel guilty.

I know how you feel.

My parents range from saying nothing (which is at times is just as bad as it is their way of not acknowledging) to criticizing to downright rudeness. House, job, anything.

However they can not stop gushing about sister's house, sister's DD, sister breathing - you get the idea.

I wouldn't mind but I have a decent enough job, decent enough house and lovely DH & DC. Not wanting to be gloaty but some people would kill to have my life so not sure why I am such a disappointment.

On the plus side I haven't seen them since Christmas and no trip planned for the time being!

Thank you.

It's so nice to hear that other people know what I;m talking about. Though not nice to know that other people go through this stuff too, if that makes sense.

But the idea that maybe I'm not mad/difficult/angry just constantly on the defensive (my Dad told DH the first time he met me that I was a "difficult woman" thanks, just fucking thanks).

I guess, on the plus side, I never have to worry about what my parents really think of me. They're pretty open about how disappointing I am in many areas.

I will speak to my brother - I feel for him, he lives nearby, it's harder for him to escape. He's always been a bit of an introvert by nature, but he literally can't handle social situations with the family. Yet my Mum marvels at how many friends he has and how popular he is outside the family, despite the fact that he doesn't speak when he's around family (funny that?!)

My brother will go out of his way to avoid confrontation, though, so if he thinks I might use anything I say in an argument against my parents he won't get involved (I wouldn't do that, but he probably thinks he can't be sure).

Roses - again I agree.

I should have said that I book the cottage for myself and the dog 3 times a year. It feels like enough 'caring' without the oppression of being in the same space all the time listening to her whinge!

Do they invite themselves to yours, or do you invite them?

If they invite themselves, disinvite them. Certainly don't let them stay with you. And I would let your DH off the leash and tell him to speak his mind. I would be ripping shreds off them if they came into my home and spoke like that!

Perhaps next time they decide they're visiting, just say "As you make it so plain that you find our house and our selves so sub-par, please don't bother coming again. I hear Bath is nice, try that."

Seriously, your kids are growing up and thinking that it's okay to behave like this and that you'll still be invited to stay with people. Do you want them learning that?

With parents like this you have to get really tough, and you also have to get to a point where you don't care what they say about anything.

I may on occasion, and possibly more than that, have gone too far, I get the impression that my parents are a bit scared of me now.

Now I tell them straight if they're pissing me off: 'this is my choice and I'm not interested in your opinion on it'.

My sis and I have constantly to reiterate to my mum: 'it's not your house/job/children/pet/car/holiday/life'.

And I take the piss out of their prissy comments:

'Why is the fence wonky?' 'I put it at that angle to annoy you'
'Why is the second shower not fixed' 'Because I like standing in a dry shower'
'Why don't you move the TV?' 'Because it's my house and I want it there'.

It's not very mature but it's enjoyable and it works.

And there is no reason why they have to stay with you or vice versa, book something nearby, they will be offended, so what's new.

I think the great thing is when you realise that whatever you do, they will be offended and disappointed. This means that it really doesn't matter what you do. You can have a party and not invite them - they will be offended. Who cares. You can forget a birthday - so what, they would only have criticised the present anyway.

As regards your own children, the more they see you have a responsible adult life, which will be shown to them via things your children will say (ie, I want Mummy now) the more likely it is that they will see you as the real, now, you, a parent with her own family to look after. I think this is hard for some parents to get their heads round, christ knows why, I can't wait to be the Grandma and watch my girls organising their own family, how fantastic would that be for most normal people?

Can you arrange thigns so that they don't come to you ( "well you're so unhappy here are you, mum and dad. We don't want to inflict that on you any more") but you go to them? If you go to a hotel, then at least you escape at the end of the day.

If you have to fill their room in your house up with a gym or filing or books or anything so that they can't come.

A lot of this is very familiar to me as well including the catch 22 of being called unreasonable if you say anything about it. My dad often made spurious and odd assumptions about me which bore no relation to my actual life or personality. I often felt my dad didn't know me as a person at all, and didn't really try to.

I do think that this kind of behaviour is often down to them being unable to see you as a being separate from themselves. So that everything is immediately considered for how it will reflect on or affect them. A normal parent will contain their own anxieties and give due praise.

hehe love this:

Why is the fence wonky?' 'I put it at that angle to annoy you' 'Why is the second shower not fixed' 'Because I like standing in a dry shower

OP - My parents managed to do a bit of shit stirring with DH in the early days.

I can't mention a lot of things because of being outed but it is hurtful and even now as I am typing I am starting to cry.

They don't visit as it's too far but one of my sister's houses is same distance as mine. Judging from previous comments the translation must be 'your house too disgusting to sleep in'

Name changed for this as have spoken about it in Rl.

When I told my mum I was pregnant she told me I was wasting my life and if she had her time over again she wouldn't have children.

Sorry I have been such a disappointment. As much as I sometimes moan about the kids I would never say that and especially to them.

OP

Am also in my mid 30's, dealing with the realisation of growing up in a toxic family, with the resulting crap self-confidence, self-esteem etc.

What I would say is that if you want to go NC, do so. My mum died just over 2 years ago, and my self confidence and sense of self worth is higher than it has been in years. Its horrible to say that I am so much happier, more confident, less depressed, less anxious now than I was when my mum was alive, but it is true. No longer am I second guessing my life, no longer am I receiving put downs no matter what I did from the person who should never cause you to hate yourself. My sister has tried to step into the shoes my mum left behind, but I just walk away (literally) and spend as little time with her as possible. I can now see what is being done, and refuse to accept it. Oh, I'm the anti social one, the one actively avoids spending time with her family, but that's my choice and I'm so much happier for it.

There is also the fact that your children will be seeing this behaviour from your parents. They may see it as natural, as how people should behave. The may see it as how you should be treated. They may also get it as well (my ds would be told occasionally "Oh don't you start doing negative behaviour, you're turning into your mum, you are", or similar put downs - causing him to see me negatively, and putting him down as well).

I can't say how to deal with them if you keep them in your life, I was just starting to realise and 'answer back' shortly before mum died. But don't ever expect an apology, don't ever expect them to admit they are wrong in any way, it won't happen.

I am reading this holding back the tears. My mother was the same, if she wasn't disinterested in me and my life and children, she was critical, judgemental and always disappointed. Despite me always trying to please her and win her round. It didn't work, her new husband and my half siblings were her priority.

If I dared say my bit I was aggressive, difficult, awkward, vitriolic, 'see what you're like', too sensitive etc.etc. No praise, no love, no hugs, no kisses, ever. Actually I was quiet and shy, amenable, cooperative and hate trouble as I do now. Always the black sheep though....to this day with other family members.

If only the internet had been around for me to work it all out, to deal with it and not let it all eat into my personality and self esteem. I've actually overcome many, many problems and feel strong, self aware, fair, determined, moral and hard working. But had no acknowledgements of anything I've done right or well from my mother.

I tried counselling and therapy, but never really felt heard, and my narcissistic mother and her neglect and the damage it caused was greatly minimised. I've worked hard myself researching and reading books which could help me.

Mother is dead now. Sadly although I loved her, I felt relief that the cruelty had stopped for good. Her sister has tried to continue the criticism but I put a stop to that alright

OP it's such a good thing you have recognised the dynamics and are going to take steps to address the problems your parents are causing to you and your happy family life. You are young and I hope you will go on to feel free of such toxicity using new skills. So sad that so many have had this awful experience.

It's probably a good idea to deal very firmly with your parents now, before your children are old enough to be manipulated. I'm the 'difficult' one in my family, despite bending backwards to please, and at 50 I'm only now just waking up sufficiently to realise that I didn't have to put up with it. Given the choice, I'd never see either of them again - but I have adult children now pointing out that I 'need to be nicer to my parents'. Which is a guilt trip I don't need. I wish that I'd given them an ultimatum years ago, and so claimed a greater level of power in the relationship.

As to confidence and self esteem - yes, that's the same for me too. I'm trying to annihilate the people pleaser in me. It's a slow process.

ok, I've asked my brother and he's said they were quite critical of us growing up but that's their job as parents..

he has no dc so maybe pur perspectives are different because I don't see that as mtly job as a parent...

I know how you feel OP. It's horrible to feel so judged, missunderstood and in my case, unloved. I too am 'awkward', 'bolshy' and 'difficult'. I have had therapy and read the Susan Forward book and have come to conclusion that if I can't do anything right, then I'm not going to bother trying to do anything right.

I have a thin skin and am preternaturally concerned with the feelings of others but I try not to care because being shat on actually makes me more miserable than trying to please my parents and being told I'm not good enough. The problem is them; not me.

Is there any way to see them without their visiting your house? That seems to provide some triggers for their criticism. I'd also avoid talking to them about how you're doing at uni. I certainly wouldn't tell them about anything I was having difficulty with. I do this with my parents- I'm very reluctant to tell them about any difficulty that I'm having in my life, because I know from past experience that they jump from that to "geeky's incompetent".

Can you plan activities with them so that they're not directing the conversation? Or just watch TV? You want to do something to distract them from starting a conversation about how they think you are not coping. If they do start such a conversation, have some other topic to divert the conversation to. Something that lets them talk about themselves or their hobbies might work well, most people like doing that.

Of course, even if you do stay away from their favorite topics to criticize you about, they might just find new ones. If that's the case, there's not much else to do except limit your contact with them or learn to not let their criticism bother you (both of these are much easier said than done, unfortunately).

Thanks to everyone who has taken the time to comment, it's been really helpful. Really sad to hear that others have had similar experiences.

I think I get a lot of stick from my Mum for our crappy mother-daughter relationship, she wants it to look perfect to outsiders and it frustrates her that I can't give her that.

I can't really see them without overnights on someone's part. Next time I am going to them, which is easier as there are other family members there which dilutes it all a bit...I am going without DH though which is hard as I just feel like I'm there under attack without any back up.

Hi sailaway

re your comment:-
"Next time I am going to them, which is easier as there are other family members there which dilutes it all a bit...I am going without DH though which is hard as I just feel like I'm there under attack without any back up".

There should really not be a next time; their behaviour should not be at all rewarded by you visiting. You would not have tolerated any of this behaviour from a friend, your mother is no different.

The above scenario is akin to walking into the lions den and without any backup. You would gain nothing positive from such a visit. Other family members may be overinvested, unaware (most likely) or used by your parents as flying monkeys. You could not rely on them to back you up.

You really need to now emotionally detach from your parents. At least they are 150 physical miles away, you've got to put that distance in your head from them too.

Attila, thank you, I'm worried about going :( it's ok in the day time because we're all busy with the DC. But once they're in bed and I have to spend the evenings with them it's horrible...

I think the thing that I'm worried about is, what if I'm wrong? What if they haven't been as bad as I think they have? My brother agrees they were critical but sees that as a normal part of parenting - is it??

If I stop seeing them as often it means they will see the DC less - I'll be cast as the bad guy over that...evil witch keeping their grandchildren away...

Just, what if it's me, not them??

Oh, it's certainly not you sweetheart. Constant negativity is draining, exhausting and destructive to our sense of self. I doubt very much that your parents will ever change so you need to detach both emotionally and physically from them.

Their criticisms of you are mean, spiteful and not worthy of your tears.

It's not you. You are not in the wrong here. Parenting does not consist of devaluing ones children, attacking their self esteem, knocking confidence at achievements, dismissing their feelings, tearing down their pride, and demonstrating disappointment in them at every opportunity. Parenting is nurturing not spiteful.

To repair yourself you now need to look at your relationship in a new light, avoid putting yourself in a vulnerable position. Rethink the way you interact...or not...with them. Take time to learn more about this kind of behaviour, and understand how to deal with it on your terms. Give yourself a break from the worry and the negativity until you decide how to change the situation. Because it isn't going to stop...until you stop it.

1. Counselling. It's important to find the right counsellor so "shop around" until you find one who you feel comfortable with and is helpful. You could also read the book "Toxic Parents" which might help.

2. Boundaries. So important. Limit contact with your parents. I would say short amounts of time on neutral territory are better (e.g. meeting halfway for a day or meal out) but if you really can't do that, be very careful about visits. Don't let them visit you if they criticise everything. If you visit them, do you have a friend nearby you could stay with? So you split the time between the two? Either way keep the length of time to a minimum. Decide how to respond to critical comments and then stand your ground. Keep repeating yourself if necessary.

It's interesting that you had stronger boundaries in place before you ha children yourself. Do you worry that your parents will treat your children the same way they treated you? That would worry me I think. I don't know how old your children are but you need to protect them. Even if the criticism is directly at you, not your children, it's still damaging for them to hear it.