How to repair myself after a lifetime of critical parenting?

[sailawayblueskies]

I will cut a long story short.

I have always had a tempestuous relationship with my mother. In my family I'm seen as the 'difficult' one, the 'feisty' one, she 'can't say anything to me' etc.

My Dad worked a lot and is a very hands off parent, combined with being very strict and a disciplinarian. He doesn't 'do' praise or affection.

Anyway...having spent years spending time with my parents then feeling bad for snapping at my mother, feeling everything is all my fault, that I am too difficult to get along with (even thought in the rest of my life I have longlasting friendships and lots of friends, I am not trying smug or boast but I make and keep friends really easily - I say this to point the contrast out between my parents dialogue of me and my actual life).

Anyway, I'm doing a very tough Uni course at the moment, I have been plagued with low self esteem and a lack of confidence - even though my results and feedback have been good, I cannot seem to believe it.

I've thought and thought about why I have such a low opinion of myself and it's really made me reflect on my interactions with my parents. They visited a couple of weeks ago. Before they came I said the house might be a bit untidy as I have been snowed under with work. The visit went like this:

• my Dad walks in the door and says "what's all this about not getting through your work? Why aren't you keeping on top of it?" (I am actually ahead on my Uni assignments but I have Uni, placements, 2 small children and pets to look after as well, it's a lot to manage). This is an example of how, if I explain something is difficult for me I will basically be accused of not being good enough.

• my mother interrogated me about things that don't work in the house (she always does this - why is the fence leaning? Why haven't you fixed the second shower yet? Why do you have the furniture arranged in this way, why have you put away X toy that she bought for the DC TWO years ago (gigantic playmobil house that has been up in DDs room for the last two years taking over an entire corner of her room)

• general low level sniping and giving the impression that I am pretty incompetent at almost everything. Along with criticising my diet, telling me that I carry all my fat around my middle, pointing out to other people that I carry all my fat around my middle, accusing me of being too incompetent to look up a postcode correctly because her satnav couldn't find it (it was because it was a new address and her satnav maps weren't up to date).

• my father doesn't think our house is good enough so will go on long walks around the area and then come back tell us which houses we should move to instead (we our happy with our house, it's perfectly nice - 4 bed detached, not too small, decorated nicely)

So that sums up a weekend visit from them.

I think I've FINALLY worked out that my lack of confidence may be related to having been raised by people who constantly tell me what I am doing wrong and NEVER tell me I am doing anything right.

The question is, where do I go from here?

I have been through eating disorder, substance misuse and alcohol addiction and I am out of the other side of all of those things. Actually, I think I am quite a strong person but I don't think I am prepared to put up with this kind of attitude for the rest of their lives.

It's not right, is it? To criticise someone so much? I'm 36 years old for god's sake, do they really need to point out so frequently where I am going wrong.

Not sure why I am posting really, for advice on where to go next I guess - I feel like I have done the hardest part by finally seeing that maybe I'm not the 'difficult' one, perhaps I am just defensive about how they speak to me.

I'm debating speaking to my brother about how he feels about it, though he has a long history of mental health problems and his way of dealing with them is to completely withdraw - if he is invited over for dinner he literally cannot sit at the table for the full length of the meal, he will 'go out for a smoke' and not come back til it's time to leave.

Just saw your last post. IT'S NOT YOU. It's them.

The first step to getting out of the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) is realising you're in it.

Please read the book! And it's good that you have a counselling appointment soon. Good luck

Ok, thank you.

I've got my first counselling appt next Thursday. Will get the book as well.

I feel sad about my brother -He obviously recognises how they were but seems to think that there wasn't much wrong with it (though they parented me very differently from him, he was very much the golden child and they're both pretty sexist so treated him differently). I guess I can't worry about him too much, though.

I still feel like it's me, that I'm in the wrong. But I think if I can challenge every instance where they do it at least I'll be pointing out to myself at least that it isn't right.

My parents keep dropping hints and making passive aggressive comments about how sad they are that I won't let the DC stay with them without me. Over my dead body will that happen.

Well just be honest, tell them they're so ghastly you don't want to impose them on your children...

My parents treated my sister and me very differently. I was the scapegoat during our teens, when my mother was at her maddest, then I got ill and they kicked me; but then I recovered, got a good degree and became successful so the family dynamic changed and my sister ended up the doghouse. (She went to the 'wrong' uni, wrong bfs, wrong job, married the wrong man, wrong house, wrong dogs, children behave wrongly etc)

My sis was incensed at the change because she'd always been treated like a princess, and I was incensed because I'd always been treated appallingly so found the new sycophancy bizarre & nauseating.

In short, parents like this are nuts, and you have to take everything they do and say with a pinch of salt. Do not blame yourself or think that you're in the wrong. You're just making the best of a bad job.

Twinkle.

That's really interesting (and sad) about your sister.

My brother was always the 'clever' one, I was the crap one, the fat one, the joke etc.

Then we got to our teens and he basically had a breakdown, I ended doing very well academically...got married, had a good job and the DC and now. Well, they're just vile to both of us!

My brother is doing ok now, bought a nice flat recently. My Mum went on and one at me on the phone about how it was "like a squat". It wasn't like a squat at all, they just had a lot of stuff and hadn't unpacked it all.

I think she has NO idea of what a bitch she sounds.

Looked through some old videos of my DC's first Christmas and she's caught on tape saying about her niece "X is still very chunky you know". Her niece, a little girl of 8 who was not remotely chunky, just not a slender as her sisters.

WHY WOULD YOU THINK IT WAS OK TO SAY THAT??? WHY??

Either of my parents could have said that, my mum even thinks her cat's fat.

And she always calls me when she's been to my sister's to bitch about her house and all the wine bottles..

I don't want to give the impression that my parents are nice to me all the time now, it's just that the passive aggression and outright rudeness is combined with surreal nicey nicey.

You can get to a place where you simply don't care what they say about anything. Occasionally even now an arrow hit its mark, but I usually have a laugh about it with my husband or sister, and the rest is water off a duck's back.

Your parents are trying to make you feel like you're wrong. Whatever you do they will put a negative spin on it. I think there may be an element of competition about it, it makes them feel superior and like they have the upper hand. They're trying to subjugate you and it's working.

Try to wipe the programming that you're in the wrong(easier said than done). In fact, you're absolutely fine and your parents are very odd. Stop thinking you're the problem, realise they're the problem and manage them the best you can.

Thanks twinkle this is really helping.

I'm glad you've got you and your sister to help each other through the craziness.

I've always thought my Mum just loves to find the chink in me - she goes on about how I'm so confident, as if that's an insult. I always think she's trying to bring me down a peg or two.

As for the competitiveness - YES! This exactly, she's always trying to be better than me and other people.

My Dad drinks a lot (so does she, but pretends she doesn't). Since DH and I gave up drinking she is SO pissed off because she used to revel in how she was the moderate one. Would get up in the morning and count the wine bottles and lecture everyone on how much they'd drunk (even though she'd drunk plenty herself).

Now when they come she takes their empty wine bottles home with them so we can't see them and, presumably, judge them (not that we would, but that's obviously how her thought process works).

Well, that old video makes it less probable that they are right and you are wrong. If your mom would say nasty, untrue things about your niece and your brother, it's even more likely that she would say nasty, untrue things about you. If she'll say them about you, she'll probably say them about your children, too.

I could have written your first post Sail!

It's only recently I've realised that I'm not alone in having horrible parents.

You say your brother had a breakdown when young. Do you think it might have been because he was "the clever one", and therefore put under immense pressure by very critical parents? I ask, because similar happened to DH when he was a teen.

I'm practically NC with my parents. I won't visit them anymore. It's not normal to dread visiting your parents is it? Luckily they live a long way away, so they can't just pop round.

Your brother thinks their behaviour's normal because that's his version of normal. I think you said he still lives near them, so still under their influence. He just might not have the self awareness you do.

If you had a friend that treated you in that manner, you'd ditch them. What gives parents the right to?

OP as well as the Toxic Parents book, you might find this one interesting:
Homecoming
It has visualisation exercises where you effectively re-parent yourself and nurture and protect the small child inside you. Lots of positive affirmations, etc. It might sound a bit woo but I have found it really helpful.

geeky - you're right. It's not on to behave in that way. She always, always denies these things if called on them after the event so would say it never happened. Just funny that the evidence is there in black and white..

rubbishmantra - yes I agree about my brother, there was such an awful lot of pressure on us when we sat GCSEs and A levels. It wasn't supportive at all though, just intense pressure to get on and do well but without any empathy or encouragement. It was around that time that my brother started to fall apart. Funnily enough they've asked me a few times what they think the cause of his breakdown was - I think on some level they know how they were but need reassurance that they've never done anything wrong.

Pocketsaviour - just read the first chapter of that book on Amazon, it looks great ,thank you

I need to do something as the more I sit here thinking about it all the angrier I'm getting about their casual tearing apart of me and my self esteem. I believe they have started on my DC as well - I've noticed some comments creeping in and my Mum attempts to take a 'food police' stance with them even when I am right there. She won't let them have a sandwich at her house, for example, just bits of salad and cheese and ham but no bread. Obviously this it make a point about the shit diet I feed them and how much better she is and how I should do it her way. Forcing carb-free on under 5s, what's wrong with the woman?

Saying nasty things about people being fat is not an effective way to get people to lose weight. As evidence, I submit the 69% of the US population that is overweight or obese. We have lots of fat shaming here. It isn't working. Your mother is clearly obsessed with weight and dieting.

You don't want her saying nasty things to your DC and giving them self esteem problems. You also don't want your DC to think that saying nasty things to other people is OK because Grandma does it.

It sounds like your mother is really into comparing herself to others, and it makes her feel better about herself when she finds a way that she's "better" than them.

On the subject of starting on the DGC.

My mother told my DD how disappointed she was in her because she wasn't going to uni.

If she had bothered to show any interest in the previous two years she would have known what an awful time my DD had at college and she might have known why my DD didn't want to go to uni.

That's horrible gaslight Who the hell do these people think they are?

I feel like with mine, it's all a massive power trip - that they get off on being the parent, can talk down to me however they like because I'm their child. Yet I can't imagine ever being like that with my DC.

When I picture me with my own DC as adults I see each other enjoying each other's company - enjoying hearing what they're up to, I can't imagine looking down on them.

I could almost have written your OP. I took a Degree as a mature student. I can remember being thrilled to get 85% for an essay - best mark in the class - go me. Told parents and got "that's good. Are you managing to keep up with your housework?"

They would come to stay for the weekend and move all our furniture around.

DM would constantly tell me what I was doing wrong with my DC and tell me - in front of them - that I shouldn't have had 4 because I couldn't cope with them. I went on to have a 5th when the others were teens, and a couple of times she's made some comment about the way I do something and it's great. I just remind her I've managed to raise 4 to adulthood so I think I know what I'm doing thanks, and she backs right off

So many posts on here sound so familiar to me. I have little advice but just wanted to join in the crowd. I'm 40 and have only recently -since November last year really - begun to view my birth parents as emotionally abusive following having my own kids. I actually left at 18 and steadily withdrew from them ever since: I am still in contact, but it's minimal. I don't want to listen to the snidiness, lack of real interest, amd gushing remarks about dear sister more than I have to. I knew I didn't like their behaviour at the time, but was reared to view myself as the primary problem, as per usual in these cases.

I imagine that the journey away is different for everyone but if it helps I am now in a much better place than I was just 5 months ago. Not over yet I think, but not feeling so worthless and wasted. I just seem to need a lot of time to myself to remember things, think them through, realize that they were wrong. My moods have been all over the place (had depression in the past, off my medical record etc) but are slowly settling down - I think - cue another bad day now I've said that I guess! My biggest fear is imposing behaviours I don't recognise on my own kids.

I also keep thinking, perhaps they weren't that bad, etc. I just keep trying to remember the events and practising that on my own kids - usually it's an abhorrent idea. I also have siblings and can see effects on them too, even if they're not aware of it. ultimately it isn't healthy to come out of parenting with low self-esteem, feeling worthless, and with high levels of social anxiety.

I just keep trying to remember the events and imagine practising, is what I meant. Oops.

"Funnily enough they've asked me a few times what they think the cause of his breakdown was - I think on some level they know how they were but need reassurance that they've never done anything wrong"

My mother's done this in the past, when I used to engage, asking me to reassure her it wasn't her fault.

So there's an awareness they've done damage. i used to just nod and smile and say."No, you've been lovely parents."

Thing is, you only have to be a good enough parent. Not the most awesome parent ever.

Oh gosh, I recognise so much of this. My DM spent so long saying to me "Oh, Miranda" in a sad disappointed voice, as if I'd really let her down yet again but these things were always really trivial and when I try to remember my 'crimes' now, I can't. It used to make me so angry that I was a dutiful DD and yet all she could do was criticise. I think she just had too much time on her hands, and I hadn't gone down the path that she had wanted to herself but hadn't been able to. Now DM is over 90 and has a lot of things in her own life to moan about, so I just listen and don't tend to get the criticism from her that I used to. But it's taken a very long time for her to accept that I'm a big girl and can do things my own way!

DMIL is also very critical, and DH's way of handling it is half-heartedly agreeing with her: "Why don't you put the TV over there? "Yes, maybe we will." (change of subject). That shuts them up. Pretend that you're vaguely thinking about it. But I can't do that! I will say "Because then I'd have to put the sofa across the doorway" or whatever.

Last year I bought a new dresser. I was waiting for the criticism from DMIL. She saw it and said "That's so pretty". I was waiting for "Such a shame it's too big/too small/has been painted/won't go in the kitchen..." etc etc but that was it. Must be the first time she hasn't commented in a negative way. She was really nasty once about something I was proud of and DH just said that she was envious. Envious of me being with her son and her not, which is daft because I'm not his mother & she can't be his wife!

I suppose I'm saying that you aren't to blame. Put your armour on! Don't be defensive because that will just make them feel justified in having a go. As someone else said, pick your battles - try to let most of it wash over you. And as someone wise once said, "Never apologise, never explain." Not meaning never say sorry, just don't feel you have to justify anything!

You are doing a grand job, bettering yourself at Uni while looking after your family. Hold your head up, big smile, and put your armour on!

sailawayblueskies - I wasn't nearby at the time and she didn't tell me for a few weeks. My BIL did stick up for my DD and said uni is not the be all and all. Even if I thought it (and I don't) I would never tell her that.

I am same as you in that I can never imagine looking down on anyone. My DD is 20 and although we went through the horrible teens now we go out for lunch. We go to concerts.

Indantherene - your parents sound like mine. Always focusing on the negatives. If they won't say it I will - 85% is brilliant.

When we had double glazing put in everyone was oohing and aahing about how much better the house looked for it. What did my DM say? - 'you haven't had that done' meaning the door and window into the garage.

Oh, it's making me sad and yet not alone all at the same time reading these replies.

I just don't get the lack of empathy - surely you know when you are hurting someone? I don't understand how that can be a nice feeling.

I SO agree gaslight on indanthrene's 85% - that is an absolutely amazing achievement.

Funny how they can diminish anything, isn't it? When I graduated in my early 20s (am doing a post-grad now) my mother refused to put my graduation picture up on the wall because my brother had had to take a couple of years out of Uni and hadn't graduated yet.

When he graduated the year after me (and I was so proud of him) both pictures finally went up.

I can sort of see the logic in that, in not wanting to maybe rub his nose in my achievements, but my brother really isn't like that and I don't get how it was so easy for her just to dismiss what I'd achieved like that.

Gawd, I definitely need a counsellor, talking about them has just brought all this forgotten stuff back.

If your brother has been golden boy it will have affected him as negatively as it did you. The trouble is for one sibling to see another favoured is terribly painful as they fear it could happen to them too.

I'm not sure whether they enjoy making people feel unhappy I think in some cases it's just about control. They have controlled you all their life and if they can't it means they somehow go down in the pecking order.

I think it's almost impossible to see your parents as deliberately evil and it's very unlikely that parents want to deliberately hurt their children it's just that they can't let go and if the only way they can cling on to you is by keeping your confidence down then that's what they will do. It's the psychological clipping of wings.

Roses, I think you are right about control.

My Dad had a relatively powerful job before he retied and I know that his reputation at work was basically one of a controlling dictator. He has struggled since retiring with not having enough to do and has only recently turned his hand at trying to interfere in my life. When we were younger he was always at work so not really around so much to meddle. Plus he wasn't overly interested in us anyway.

My Mum tries to control everyone around her - she can't let anyone do the simplest or most menial of tasks without interfering and trying to make them do it her way. She will follow me out into the garden and re-peg my washing because she doesn't like the way I've done it.

sailawayblueskies - I like you can not understand the lack of empathy.

I know it is hurtful to call someone fat so I don't. How many times have to seen a friend's newly decorated room and thought not to my taste but you say it's lovely.

My DS spent years listening to himself be called naughty. No matter how often I said he was a boy (sorry for the stereotype but he was/is a proper boy) and they needed a good run about they classed his inabliity to sit still for hours on as being naughty.

I am now wondering if naughty is worse or better than being a disappointment!!!!

I remember when I was about 18 and she told one of my friends 'oh haven't you put a load of weight'. WTF!!

your parents are my parents in law. We respond by basically telling them nothing about our lives. Anything we do mention gets met with criticism of some sort. MIL is getting worse as she gets older. FIL is getting worse the more time he spends with MIL.