How to repair myself after a lifetime of critical parenting?

[sailawayblueskies]

I will cut a long story short.

I have always had a tempestuous relationship with my mother. In my family I'm seen as the 'difficult' one, the 'feisty' one, she 'can't say anything to me' etc.

My Dad worked a lot and is a very hands off parent, combined with being very strict and a disciplinarian. He doesn't 'do' praise or affection.

Anyway...having spent years spending time with my parents then feeling bad for snapping at my mother, feeling everything is all my fault, that I am too difficult to get along with (even thought in the rest of my life I have longlasting friendships and lots of friends, I am not trying smug or boast but I make and keep friends really easily - I say this to point the contrast out between my parents dialogue of me and my actual life).

Anyway, I'm doing a very tough Uni course at the moment, I have been plagued with low self esteem and a lack of confidence - even though my results and feedback have been good, I cannot seem to believe it.

I've thought and thought about why I have such a low opinion of myself and it's really made me reflect on my interactions with my parents. They visited a couple of weeks ago. Before they came I said the house might be a bit untidy as I have been snowed under with work. The visit went like this:

• my Dad walks in the door and says "what's all this about not getting through your work? Why aren't you keeping on top of it?" (I am actually ahead on my Uni assignments but I have Uni, placements, 2 small children and pets to look after as well, it's a lot to manage). This is an example of how, if I explain something is difficult for me I will basically be accused of not being good enough.

• my mother interrogated me about things that don't work in the house (she always does this - why is the fence leaning? Why haven't you fixed the second shower yet? Why do you have the furniture arranged in this way, why have you put away X toy that she bought for the DC TWO years ago (gigantic playmobil house that has been up in DDs room for the last two years taking over an entire corner of her room)

• general low level sniping and giving the impression that I am pretty incompetent at almost everything. Along with criticising my diet, telling me that I carry all my fat around my middle, pointing out to other people that I carry all my fat around my middle, accusing me of being too incompetent to look up a postcode correctly because her satnav couldn't find it (it was because it was a new address and her satnav maps weren't up to date).

• my father doesn't think our house is good enough so will go on long walks around the area and then come back tell us which houses we should move to instead (we our happy with our house, it's perfectly nice - 4 bed detached, not too small, decorated nicely)

So that sums up a weekend visit from them.

I think I've FINALLY worked out that my lack of confidence may be related to having been raised by people who constantly tell me what I am doing wrong and NEVER tell me I am doing anything right.

The question is, where do I go from here?

I have been through eating disorder, substance misuse and alcohol addiction and I am out of the other side of all of those things. Actually, I think I am quite a strong person but I don't think I am prepared to put up with this kind of attitude for the rest of their lives.

It's not right, is it? To criticise someone so much? I'm 36 years old for god's sake, do they really need to point out so frequently where I am going wrong.

Not sure why I am posting really, for advice on where to go next I guess - I feel like I have done the hardest part by finally seeing that maybe I'm not the 'difficult' one, perhaps I am just defensive about how they speak to me.

I'm debating speaking to my brother about how he feels about it, though he has a long history of mental health problems and his way of dealing with them is to completely withdraw - if he is invited over for dinner he literally cannot sit at the table for the full length of the meal, he will 'go out for a smoke' and not come back til it's time to leave.

It is interesting, though very sad that your brother had a breakdown.

One of my siblings has been hospitalised with depression at times, the rest of us are prone to depressive periods.

Not making excuses for your mother, but sometimes people living with narcissists or abusers take on their traits in an attempt to make their own lives bearable. It can become a survival instinct or at least a way to keep the relationship intact - if your Dad was a dictator he will have dictated to her as well, probably more so than the people at work. In the days when women couldn't walk out quite as easily they probably did this a lot, assimilating themselves to keep the peace. It would be interesting to find out what their early relationship was like.

Regarding the laundry pegs, that sounds like OCD behaviour, although OCD people don't usually correct others, it's about self doubt and anxiety rather than what others do - but if she sees you as an extension of herself rather than a separate individual something like this (an anxiety based issue) might explain her constant meddling.

I can only go on my own experience but where there is a golden child there is a lot invested in justifying this. Anyone who outshines the golden child or shows them up in any way gets punished.

That certainly makes sense DeckSwabber

Roses, you are completely right about the mothers taking on nasty traits to defend themselves. I can understand that. My mother was one such and I do feel sorry for her. However it does not excuse the very real trouble it brings on the children looking to the only adult they are supposed to be able to depend on. My mother sat and watched as my father knocked me for six (thank fuck for schools and education) and all but completely destroyed my brother, just so she could carry on livng in her fantasy life. There were strong suggestions of violence, once it broke out against our pets: she never moved. The only one of us she protected was my sister, and her she's spoilt a different way.

The cause was my father (although if you scratch any abuser you will most probably find an abuse victim) but mothers sitting there watching it and doing nothing will only have themselves to blame when their children don't want anything to do with them any more. Sorry if that's hard. This is the tragedy of abuse. But as adults we have a choice whether to perpetuate it or not. Children have no choices.

Rainbow

You're right, there is no excuse for a parent to stand by and watch but it's important to explain how they might end up in that position. Whatever the reason, it's all warped and twisted and none of it should happen in this day and age at all, yes, thank goodness for over-zealous child protection rules in schools and institutions (NHS and police still dragging their feet though) that we now have. I do think that understanding helps people move forward though, enables people to step back from it and look at it objectively, taking the personal dynamic away probably helps victims understand that their abuse was actually nothing to do with them, they just happened to be born into the wrong family. Perhaps that understanding helps them move on to reject their abusers/parents with less 'what if' and more of the 'sod that'.

You're probably right there roses. to all.

I have been you. So...coping strategies: don't share every detail. Be vague and always positive. Why? Because anything else gives them amunition.

Keep visits on neutral territory so they can't critcise your home - and have an audience of others in cafe etc. Challenge negative/sniping comments. If they say you are over sensitive your reply should be "well different people are upset by differnt things , a considerate person would think about that before saying things". Then dont negotiate or explain as that furthers your toxic dynamic with them. If you leave or change the subject you arent rewarding nasty behaviour with more attention and feeding their negativity.

'Reward' persistent sniping/bad behaviour with less visits or no contact if they really overstep. And get therapy. Write a list of all your achievements and good points. Put it by the kettle. Every time you have an automatic negative self criticising thought look at the list. (CBT - it retrains your brain to think more positively).

They wont change their behaviour but you can change how you cope with it and feel about it. I so feel for you OP. Have a v un Mumsnet hug ()

Sailaway - a few years ago I could have written your op, so you entirely have my sympathies - its complete shit to have gone through that - and the age you are now, with your children it can oddly hurt more than when you were younger. Its not just you missing out on that parent relationship - but when you see yourself through the eyes of others - your husband , and particularly your children , it tears you apart again.

I think the distancing advice is a really good tip - no personal information.

Your parents probably think they are trying to help you and do their best for you, but really it just shows lack of trust in your decisions. They dont see you as an adult, they step on your boundaries because they think of you still as a child.

The strategies I find most useful - dont EVER own the criticism
I really believe in giving problems back to people before they can take root - and its a really simple and effective method of deflection
eg
if they ask you why your furniture is in the wrong place - you ask the straight back do you often suggest people to rearrange their furniture ?
thus giving the weird behaviour right back to them with out ever suggesting that you are in a discussion about you, or furniture.
If they are behaving in a way that makes you uncomfortable - focus on the behaviour and ask them about it - politely and with concern if you are feeling particularly cruel.

I also take joy in being jolly - but in a quite focussed way
The house buying thing might well inspire something along the lines of " There you go again Dad, how many houses in this neighbourhood is it you'd have moved us into by now? I really think you should have been and estate agent - "
thus opening up the
"Oh the estate agents off again!!" line of ridicule EVERY time he repeats the behaviour - I had to grit my teeth to do this and keep smiling when I first tried it - I KNEW I was being insulting - but its nowhere near as insulting as the behaviour that prompts it - its very hard to contradict when you receive it - and most of all it again deflects.

Thanks so much all of you, you have no idea how helpful this thread has been. Thanks so much for sharing all of your experiences, it makes me feel less of an odd one out.

I do feel like something is changing in me...for a long time I've carried a feeling of not being good enough or worthy of happiness, a kind of guilt that pops up when I'm doing nice things and prevents me from enjoying myself. I can feel that's starting to shift.

I need a strategy for dealing with my parents from now on in, but with your suggestions I think I can get there. They will expect me to stay with them for a week in the summer with the DC. I'm not going to go. They'll give me no amount of grief over it, but I don't care. They're not going to dictate to me anymore.

"They're not going to dictate to me anymore."

Yay! Good for you! Thanks for the update, so glad to hear that you are moving onwards and upwards!