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Relationships

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Original poster

Has DH been selfish or am I a big baby?

83 replies

EvenFlo · 09/03/2015 18:32

DH has just gone away on an activity holiday for 5 days leaving me trying to juggle an 18 month old and an almost full time job.
To do so I am having to rely on my parents to collect DS from nursery for 3 days because I cannot physically get there in time to collect him after work (I finish at 5, nursery closes at 6, nursery is an hours drive away in traffic).

I have just had a message from him saying how nice his day has been and I am seething.

In planning this little jolly he never once considered how DS and I would fit into this (I can cope but logistically I cannot manage it), I have just started a new job so am massively stressed anyway so could've used some 'support' rather than being left on my own. Oh and I have just recovered from an illness that meant being signed off from work - something I haven't done EVER before.

Before he went he said I was being selfish for saying that his holiday would be hard on me. My friends / fa,ily say he is the selfish one. What do you think?

OP posts:

Ragwort · 09/03/2015 18:34

Did you discuss it before he went?

treaclesoda · 09/03/2015 18:34

I think he is the selfish one. I'm not at all surprised that you're pissed off.

PedantMarina · 09/03/2015 18:35

When's your turn? Serious question.

Moln · 09/03/2015 18:39

Of course he's the selfish one.

I bet he knows it too but he wants his holiday so ignored all difficulty parts that he should have thought about. He's calling you selfish for pointing out the things he doesn't want know about as it is easier than accepting he is an adult in a family.

Original poster

EvenFlo · 09/03/2015 18:40

Oh and DS is currently waking at 5am so these are loooong days

OP posts:

AlternativeTentacles · 09/03/2015 18:42

He is the selfish one. Do you get a week off at some point?

Crinkle77 · 09/03/2015 18:43

You should book yourself a little break, leave him to get on with it and see how he feels when the tables are turned

Original poster

EvenFlo · 09/03/2015 18:45

We did discuss it when he booked but he had already decided to go so there was no real discussion, plus at that point I did not really know what time I would be finished with work so the nursery collection thing wasn't so much of anything issue.

He did have the nerve to say that he had 'planned around' me and DS by going over a weekend so work / nursery wouldn't be an issue on those days.

I don't think I will get 'my turn' and can't say I really want 5 days away frm DS anyway. Would've been nice to have some down time this coming weekend but DH has made arrangements for us all to go and see his Dad (who lives about 2 hours away) on Saturday...

OP posts:

PotteringAlong · 09/03/2015 18:47

Well DH can take DS to see his dad and you can have a lovely day to yourself then!

chickydoo · 09/03/2015 18:48

Don't worry about it, where are you going on your trip?

Greydog · 09/03/2015 18:49

Tell him to unmake his arrangements - you've got other things to do

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 09/03/2015 18:49

Dont go with him to his dads. He can take the baby and you can have a day to do fuck all.

The lack of discussion would piss me off. DH went away for three weeks just after DD turned one, and I was absoloutley fine about it, but I know if I had said Id rather he didnt go, he wouldnt have gone and would have been fine about it. I do get quite a few long weekends away, so he is perfectly capable of doing the same for me.

FafferTime · 09/03/2015 18:50

Definitely tell him you need a break on Saturday and just spend the day relaxing. Make sure he does go to his dad's though!

Ragwort · 09/03/2015 18:53

The lack of discussion is wrong - however there can be a real problem as some parents (usually mothers) don't ever want or need a holiday or break away from their children and almost find it a bit 'odd' that the other parent actually chooses to do something away from the family.

Neither is right or wrong but it is difficult if one of you doesn't understand the other's point of view. Both my DH and I enjoy breaks away on our own to do our own 'thing' but we discuss and plan it before we go.

SolasEile · 09/03/2015 18:55

Why didn't you just say no? If my DH came to me and said he had planned a fun 5 day trip on x and y dates then I would tell him that I wasn't happy and either ask him to postpone it or reduce it to a 3 day trip or else only agree if I could then book myself a 5 day trip away too.

Then you say he is coming back and has planned your weekend around his preferences again. Why? Why aren't you discussing things with him and agreeing what suits for you both? If you just seethe away internally and don't communicate your annoyance, he'll just keep going as he is and never change.

Sausagerollers · 09/03/2015 18:57

Definitely send him to his dads on his own with your DS, and encourage him to stay the night (especially if his dad is as useless at childcare as mine is and will be no help whatsoever).

Then he can drive back to yours for Sunday lunch (which he can cook) and you can go out with mates on sat night, have a nice lie-in to recover on Sunday and still get some family time Sunday pm.

Don't begrudge him this time, but do make sure you get the same time to yourself. An over-nighter at his dad's only counts as 1 day, so you can have 4 more of those to look forward to!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/03/2015 19:01

Has he just gone on this trip by himself? Has this kind of thing happened before?

PrettyFeet · 09/03/2015 19:03

I really don't see anything wrong with both of you taking a separate break away. You said yourself though that you don't want to.

Coping for 5 days is hardly a major crisis.

However, I like things to be fair so you've now got 5 days (which you can spread over the coming month or so) to go and have a bit of "me" time yourself.

MyOneandYoni · 09/03/2015 19:09

Can't really get over this type of man.
But maybe that's just me.

And I take it that this jolly came out of your family finances?

expatinscotland · 09/03/2015 19:16

He's selfish.

Why go with him to his dad's?

He booked it, for you? Bollocks to that.

He takes the baby and goes on his own.

Twinklestein · 09/03/2015 19:17

I would focus on planning your own 5 day break. Coping alone will concentrate his mind wonderfully.

PowderMum · 09/03/2015 19:18

I really can't see your problem, but then my DH had to go away for 5+ day periods when our DC were younger than 18 months as that was his job. I worked FT and managed the day-to-day childcare and everything else. This is just a one off 5 day period sounds easy to me.

Moln · 09/03/2015 19:21

Going away for work and going away for a holiday for himself are not the same frame of mind PowderMum. Silly comparison to the OP.

ImperialBlether · 09/03/2015 19:22

But the OP might not want a five day break away from her toddler and she might not be able to take time off work anyway!

The fact is that he is on his holidays and complaining she is selfish!

Original poster

EvenFlo · 09/03/2015 19:22

No it's not a 'major crisis' but it has been a logistical nightmare.
And I have no real objections to either of us going away alone, but if I go away (which I have done but only for 1 night) I am very careful to ensure that it's at a time that suits us both.
Yes he has done this before, he has had 3 holidays (2 on his own, this one with a family member) since DS was born. He justifies them by saying he is stressed and needs head space but it's starting to wear thin.

I feel angry with myself as maybe I should have said no, I suppose I feel both manipulated and dominated by the whole situation. And kind of like I don't really matter at all.

OP posts:

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