Has DH been selfish or am I a big baby?

[EvenFlo]

DH has just gone away on an activity holiday for 5 days leaving me trying to juggle an 18 month old and an almost full time job.
To do so I am having to rely on my parents to collect DS from nursery for 3 days because I cannot physically get there in time to collect him after work (I finish at 5, nursery closes at 6, nursery is an hours drive away in traffic).

I have just had a message from him saying how nice his day has been and I am seething.

In planning this little jolly he never once considered how DS and I would fit into this (I can cope but logistically I cannot manage it), I have just started a new job so am massively stressed anyway so could've used some 'support' rather than being left on my own. Oh and I have just recovered from an illness that meant being signed off from work - something I haven't done EVER before.

Before he went he said I was being selfish for saying that his holiday would be hard on me. My friends / fa,ily say he is the selfish one. What do you think?

the problem is that the challenge never amounts to anything other than a big row. Nothing ever changes.

What would happen if you set some boundaries and gave him some ultimatums? "I don't want to shout about this. I'm saying that I don't want you to go on this holiday. I need your support. If you choose to go on this holiday I won't be here when you get back".

I don't specifically have experience of living with a person who has [diagnosed] MH issues, but it wont be long before posters pile in with "I have lived one who has [mental health/spectrum/etc] and it's no excuse for abuse..." type comments.

And they're right.

Do you actually have family holidays?

If you do, who decides?

(Although, clearly the problem goes deeper than holidays)

I knowentql health problems are no excuse for abuse / bad behaviour and I do separate the 2 wherever possible but I also know that some of the mental health problems drive some of the way he reacts - understands things.

We haven't had a family holiday yet but the plan is to try our first one this year. I haven't really wanted to until now.

I have just sent him a message to say I am not going to his dad's with him this weekend. He has pulled his face about it with some stupid excuses but I've stood my ground.

I am going to suggest Relate when he gets back.

Hi OP,

I have experience of my 'best friend' turning into an angry bully, pretty much immediately after the birth of our first child.

Obviously, you're not me and you're only 18 months into this particular conundrum, but there is a well documented phenomenon of abusive men showing their true colours after the birth of a child. Put simplistically, it is as if they've 'got you'. That you become dependent on them and much more roped into the relationship, so that they can then test out how much shit you can take.

Definitely show him that your shit threshold is very low and that you won't stand for it. He is already manipulative and picks you up on every little thing so that he becomes your 'victim'.

At least you have a job and are financially independent. At the very least ...Don't give up your job!

I hope that you are able to stand up for yourself. He already has you trained though, to expect a fight when he comes home. Why is that? Why are you already afraid of what he might come up with when he comes home, to deflect attention from the fact that he has been away enjoying himself while you have slogged away at home?

Defintely make a small stand and leave him to go to his Dad's with the dc. You don't have to justify yourself. Remain calm, don't make a big thing of it. If he strops and shouts, call him up on his awful behaviour and leave him to it. Why would you want to go with him like he is? If you were truly a team he would expect to pick up all the chores and childcare duties the minute he came home from his jolly.

Good luck

I've been reading a lot of ChumpLady lately and, whilst her blog is specific to cheaters, there is a strong correlation between cheaters and narcissists/entitled behaviour, so some of her general advice informs other situations. To wit: you have to find your inner "Meh". As long as he can treat you and your family with disdain and you feel you have to pick up the slack, it will get worse and worse. And he and his crappy, selfish worldview will win. But if you can, at very least, fake (ideally find) your inner "meh" and disdain him right back, you'll get ahead. Start by taking every offence as something that doesn't affect you personally but, as it's Just Plain Wrong, needs to be stopped. Ditto every discussion, etc. I guess i mean "detach".

This is tough as all fuck, believe me, I know. But taking all the emotion away from a narcissist is to only way to make any kind of progress.

He will freak. And one of the first/foremost things you'll be accused will be that you don't care enough. Just laugh shrug that off. Generally, separate the emotion from the mechanics. Not forever: just, as long as you're dealing with this twunt.

When you detach you stop being emotionally involved with that person. Which can be a good thing, actually, if it's not used to stay in a loveless marriage at all cost.

Oh, absolutely that, Lweji! I wrote this in a "not leaving yet but establishing boundaries to see where his mind is" kind of way. In other words, it helps to do the "probing", for want of better word, if one detaches beforehand.