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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Has DH been selfish or am I a big baby?

83 replies

EvenFlo · 09/03/2015 18:32

DH has just gone away on an activity holiday for 5 days leaving me trying to juggle an 18 month old and an almost full time job.
To do so I am having to rely on my parents to collect DS from nursery for 3 days because I cannot physically get there in time to collect him after work (I finish at 5, nursery closes at 6, nursery is an hours drive away in traffic).

I have just had a message from him saying how nice his day has been and I am seething.

In planning this little jolly he never once considered how DS and I would fit into this (I can cope but logistically I cannot manage it), I have just started a new job so am massively stressed anyway so could've used some 'support' rather than being left on my own. Oh and I have just recovered from an illness that meant being signed off from work - something I haven't done EVER before.

Before he went he said I was being selfish for saying that his holiday would be hard on me. My friends / fa,ily say he is the selfish one. What do you think?

OP posts:

Original poster

EvenFlo · 09/03/2015 20:14

buggersmuddle - this is the longest of the 3 so far. He doesn't use AL for them because he is self employed.

I have tried to discuss similar issues with him countless times but it always seems to get turned on me and I'm accused of being selfish and 'oppressive'. It doesn't help that one of his close friends has 2 children and regularly goes off on holidays alone - the difference is that his wife doesn't work, both children are in full time nursery and they have a cleaner, gardener and have nanny or grandparent staying whenever he is away! Not the same!

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 09/03/2015 20:17

Tell him that!

And here's how you start, tell him you are not going with him to his father's. He goes on his own with the baby. You are 'stressed' and 'need headspace'.

What a nob.

ruddygreattiger · 09/03/2015 20:23

Op, would you say your marriage was for the most part a happy one?

Original poster

EvenFlo · 09/03/2015 20:34

ruddy until we had a baby, yes. He was my best friend and probably the most thoughtful and caring man I've ever met (I never even wanted to get married or have children until we met). Don't get me wrong, we had our moments but on the while we had a very happy few years.

Since DS things have gone downhill fast. DS was a very challenging baby, I had a horrible labour and probably a bit of PTSD stuff afterwards (flashbacks and stuff), they were very dark days. DH just seemed to be unable to cope with the changes that came along - I also changed jobs because my old one was not compatible with family life, he started a new business etc etc.

But I just find myself wondering if having another person to consider has revealed DH's flaws, particularly in terms of selfishness. We seem to have totally lost the ability to communicate along the way too.

Gosh, hadnt planned on getting into this so much!

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 09/03/2015 20:37

I'll never understand adults who chose to become a parent and then, when it's stressful, they wuss out.

Christinayang1 · 09/03/2015 20:38

I think I would be texting him to say that I was considering a holiday from the relationship as I was stressed and needed headspace

ruddygreattiger · 09/03/2015 20:49

Kids massively change any relationship and whereas you have stepped up as a fully functioning parent your dp seems determined to not grow up. I really feel for you. In the past when you have tried to discuss things you say he just shuts down and calls you selfish so it might be worth suggesting relate or some other counselling to try and get the relationship on a more even keel?

trackrBird · 09/03/2015 20:50

It's not thoughtful and caring to leave your wife at home in charge of a young child, when she has been ill, and has just started a new job.

If he HAD to leave you for work, you would know such a scenario might occur before you had children, and prepared for it. But this is entirely his own choice, for his own selfish pleasure, and you have had very little say.

I can't match up this behaviour with a man who is genuinely thoughtful and caring. :(

WorkingBling · 09/03/2015 20:57

In itself, taking a holiday isn't the issue. It's the lack of consideration for you in terms of timing and length, the unwillingness to discuss and plan with you when would be convenient and the attitude that he deserves this more than you deserve a similar break.

Dh has been away a few times for various reasons. We always discuss and agree parameters together beforehand. Plus, he would of course compensate me by ensuring I get some downtime before and after. And obviously similar trips are absolutely doable for me too, under the same conditions

If he was more considerate, a text saying he's havinng a good time would be met with happiness by you - I want Dh to have a good time when he goes away. But because you are resentful (understandably) because of how he has behaved, you cannot feel that happiness for him

I think you need a proper chat about what's ok in future. You need to point out you don't have an issue with him going but that he needs to think more carefully about when and how and that you need to be part of that process.

And yes, he can take ds to his dad alone while you stay home and out our feet up. Overnight would be even better.

Lweji · 09/03/2015 21:04

When he returns, and because you don't want to leave DS, tell him that this is your time to relax.

Leave him to do everything for DS, including taking him to and from nursery, prepare food, dress, bathe, etc.
Make him do all his own clothes as well as DS's, put him on cleaning duties, all dishes, etc.
He has to wake up during the night and early morning for DS.

For as long as he has taken his 3 holidays in total.

Alternatively, he can choose to pack and go.

Or... You take at least one or two days off, including overnights, leaving him to do it all, until it matches all his holidays, and he can't take any more holidays until you are matched.

Kiwiinkits · 10/03/2015 00:26

I agree with the suggestion that he will continue to take the piss until you take at least a three day holiday (including a weekday or two) without him or your child. You may not want to be away from them but it will be a very good lesson for all of you. I know the feeling of not wanting to be away from your child but believe me, you soon forget that feeling when you're out of the house having fun.

My DH goes off on jollys all the time. He would have at least 10 a year. Mountainbiking trips, trips to festivals etc. It's fine by me. I booked a five day holiday in Sydney by myself and regularly go out in the evenings etc. I never ask permission - neither does he. We both ask forgiveness a lot though.

Sometimes if he says, I'm going away at the end of the month, I say, okay but you need to do pick up on Friday and take the kids to kindy every day next week. But I'm quite direct/assertive.

Original poster

EvenFlo · 10/03/2015 06:53

Thanks for all of the advice everyone, it's real food for thought.

Something does need to change, I'd like to think we could be grown up about this but as a PP suggested DH flies off the handle whenever I try and discuss some of these issues. I am going to tell DH I'm not going to his Dad's on Saturday although I fully expect it to turn into a huge row as he will see that as me being 'rude' to his family. But the chances are that, if past behaviour is anythjng to go by, he will be spoiling for a fight when he gets back anyway.

OP posts:

Vivacia · 10/03/2015 06:59

Spoiling for a fight? Fucking hell. Why are you with this man?

GoatsDoRoam · 10/03/2015 07:38

He appears to think that he is engaged in a competition with you, that he needs to "win", all about getting his individual desires met at your expense.

Good partners believe that they are pulling the same load, together.

AlternativeTentacles · 10/03/2015 08:07

But the chances are that, if past behaviour is anythjng to go by, he will be spoiling for a fight when he gets back anyway.

I would ask why does he spoil for a fight but actually I am just going to say - you really need to leave this man. Listen to what your family and friends are saying and get out.

What is the house situation [mortgage, rented] and what are your living options? Can you cover the mortgage/rent if he leaves?

ScrambledSmegs · 10/03/2015 08:25

He flies off the handle if you try to discuss things? He'll be spoiling for a fight? He gets worse with every post.

It's going to make it pretty hard to actually discuss your relationship when he gets back. Is there any way you think you can talk to him about his behaviour that will be reasonably productive, or will his spoilt tantruming block any sensible discussion?

PedantMarina · 10/03/2015 08:28

If he's regularly "spoiling for a fight" when he gets back from these jollies, well, most veteran vipers of the Relationships boards know what I'm about to say he probably gets up to whilst away.

And even if I'm wrong, being away from your loved one should make you happy, not angry, to see them again.

So sorry for you Flo

CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/03/2015 08:55

I think, as well as the pretty selfish attitude he's displaying and what sounds like an imbalance of responsibility and consideration, there is a bigger relationship problem. And that is that you don't feel able to challenge him.... or if you do, your challenges are not effective. Does the same apply if there are other points of disagreement? Do you fight shy of tackling him or do you tend to cave for a quiet life? Is your opinion valued and listened to or are you ignored?

I wonder... would you feel able to veto another one of these trips? What would be his reaction if you properly objected? Would he take you seriously and cancel his plans or would he carry on regardless?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/03/2015 08:59

Sorry... I should RTFT better... Anyone 'spoiling for a fight' simply because they're being asked to act like a family man and take some responsibility is just a bully.

A relationship with a selfish bully is always going to be miserable.

Lweji · 10/03/2015 11:12

You could have your bags packed and take off for a few days as soon as he crosses the threshold.

Or email him now about what you expect to happen when he returns and why.

If he is like this now, it won't get better at all. But do consider carefully if you want to stay married to a man who is this entitled in relation to you and aggressive.

pocketsaviour · 10/03/2015 11:24

This is not a good situation and I would not be happy about his attitude AT ALL. a separate break is fine as long as you're okay picking up the extra tasks, but three in 18 months seems excessive to me if you haven't been getting equal breaks yourself.

Do you think he would consider relationship counselling to help you at least communicate better? I don't like to jump on the LTB wagon when there's a child and no overt abuse but if he can't see that his behaviour is just adding to your stress and workload...

Lweji · 10/03/2015 11:29

What is overt abuse, btw?

Is repeatedly leaving a partner to handle job and child without any input, and gearing up for a fight and refusing to discussing it, not overt abuse?

Why doesn't he arrange a holiday with his partner and child, or just the partner and arranges child care?

Original poster

EvenFlo · 10/03/2015 19:54

Sorry for the delay in replying..
Lots of questions to answer so here goes:

Financially - at a push I could live alone but it would be tough with nursery fees etc.

I think he spoils for a fight because he feels guilty and so over analyses anything I say / do for signs of criticism. That way he can become the 'victim' and so feel absolved. I don't suspect he is getting up to anything when he is away, I could be wrong but I would be very surprised.

I have often thought he is a bully. He likes to twist things around and blames everybody else for everything. He can be quite dogmatic and domineering which makes talking to him difficult at times because he always has to be right and seems to have very little insight into himself (despite being quite an 'emotional' thinker).
This is made more complicated by some underlying (but low level) mental health problems. He is quick to explain his behaviour as being part of his underlying mental health issues, which to a certain extent some of it is - but this is unfair / complicated given my job (I work in mental health so am then accused of being crap at my job for not understanding).
He has a long background history of being rejected by his family (they are selfish and unpleasant people) which is no excuse but has seemed to give him a 'not good enough' complex. This is no way excuses his behaviour though.

This is all a big garbled mess because I am just so so tired of it all now.

OP posts:

Original poster

EvenFlo · 10/03/2015 19:56

I know I have to assert myself more, I am actually quite assertive ordinarily. I have certainly given as good as I get and am not afraid to challenge him - the problem is that the challenge never amounts to anything other than a big row. Nothing ever changes.

OP posts:

nilbyname · 10/03/2015 20:08

I would honestly give counselling a try. Sounds like you have a bit more than just some holidays to discuss.

It sounds very complex, and maybe a counsellor would help you both navigate the issues?

He is being selfish btw!

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