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Original poster

Has DH been selfish or am I a big baby?

83 replies

EvenFlo · 09/03/2015 18:32

DH has just gone away on an activity holiday for 5 days leaving me trying to juggle an 18 month old and an almost full time job.
To do so I am having to rely on my parents to collect DS from nursery for 3 days because I cannot physically get there in time to collect him after work (I finish at 5, nursery closes at 6, nursery is an hours drive away in traffic).

I have just had a message from him saying how nice his day has been and I am seething.

In planning this little jolly he never once considered how DS and I would fit into this (I can cope but logistically I cannot manage it), I have just started a new job so am massively stressed anyway so could've used some 'support' rather than being left on my own. Oh and I have just recovered from an illness that meant being signed off from work - something I haven't done EVER before.

Before he went he said I was being selfish for saying that his holiday would be hard on me. My friends / fa,ily say he is the selfish one. What do you think?

OP posts:
Original poster
EvenFlo · 09/03/2015 19:24

He has been away for work countless times. This is different.

OP posts:
HelenaDove · 09/03/2015 19:27

So hes had 3 jollies in the last 18 months Hmm

treasureisland · 09/03/2015 19:28

He's gone on holiday by himself leaving you and his baby DS behind? Twice?

PintofCiderPlease · 09/03/2015 19:28

3 holidays on his own in 18 months????!!!!

He's a selfish arse and will just get worse I'm afraid.

If DH did that to me I'd tell him not to bother coming home from said holiday.....

ImperialBlether · 09/03/2015 19:29

So when he goes away for work, does he get the chance to get a good night's sleep, to have a meal in peace and a drink with a few friends/colleagues? Or is he down a coal mine?

3littlefrogs · 09/03/2015 19:32

My DH would never have gone on holiday leaving me with a toddler and a full time job.
However - he did work away for long periods of time so I did have to cope on my own for long periods of time. It was hard, especially when I was pregnant, suffering HG, looking after a 2 year old and moving house all on my own.
So - I would say that the practicalities are not insurmountable, but he is being selfish as it is for a holiday for HIM, not work.
Actually - DH would never have gone on holiday without me and the DC.
Decent husbands and fathers don't do that IMO. Not without full discussion beforehand.

catnipkitty · 09/03/2015 19:33

I don't see any problem with people going away without their partners, but if you didn't discuss it then he's being selfish. My DH loves sailing and he goes away on a couple of sailing weekends a year...but we're a partnership and we discuss it and make sure I can organise work, childcare etc.

ScrambledSmegs · 09/03/2015 19:35

He's incredibly selfish. What are you going to do? If I were you I wouldn't go with him to his dad's, if he can do this to you when you need his support then he doesn't deserve to have your company.

And long term, what are your plans? Presumably he'll keep doing this as it's not the first time.

Norest · 09/03/2015 19:35

Um...THREE holidays alone in the first 18 months? Yep he is selfish...and accusing you of being selfish for being stressed that yet again he gets to go of and enjoy himself whilst you are dealing with the practical aspects, kind of beggars belief. Sounds like projection and deflection on a massive scale.

expatinscotland · 09/03/2015 19:35

Whatever you do, please do not have another child with this immature, selfish person.

3 holidays in 18 months because he's stressed and needs headspace?

Diddums.

TRexingInAsda · 09/03/2015 19:36

Really selfish. My dh would never have done that when dd was 18months (I'd be pissed off if he even thought about it tbh - we're a family)! 3 holidays away from you and the baby in 18 months is fucking ridiculous, especially as he goes away for work sometimes too (so he already gets the occasional respite from night wake ups and baby stuff - this is how I think of my occasional work trips away too btw).

Original poster
EvenFlo · 09/03/2015 19:39

Yes, 3 times in 18 months. Seems a lot when it's written down.
And yes, when he has been away for work he has generally been staying in nice hotels eating nice food and relaxing.
I'm very lucky because my parents are amazing and are helping a lot this week (because no matter how organised and able I am I cannot pick DS up from nursery on most work days), sadly DH's parents are very much like him...

What makes it worse it that I know he will feel guilty when he comes back and that will manifest itself as him being an even bigger arse.

OP posts:
Original poster
EvenFlo · 09/03/2015 19:42

Long term plans? Yes I am thinking about how much more of this I am prepared to take. And no, definitely no more children.

I am so annoyed with myself because if I were listening to somebody saying the things I am then LTB would be amongst my suggestions.

OP posts:
Joysmum · 09/03/2015 19:44

I don't see a problem with 1 break away, I went away with my mum when my daughter was about this age and was glad it made me happy. Smile

3 times would be a lot though.

You say you wouldn't want to go away yourself, that's your choice, but if you did want to would it be a problem with him? If so then you've got a problem.

ruddygreattiger · 09/03/2015 19:49

Jesus effing christ I do hope you tell him you are owed 3 breaks now as being married to such a selfish twat is very stressful for you! There is no way my dh would even consider going away without me and dd as he is committed to us as a family unit so I am really feckin angry for you! I really hope you manage to set some conditions going forward because (so sorry dont mean to sound harsh) but he is treating you like a mug. Flowers

PowderMum · 09/03/2015 19:52

Nothing like a little drip feed OP

Original poster
EvenFlo · 09/03/2015 19:52

Me going away would be virtually impossible because I can't take the time off work easily (for lots of reasons). DH knows this so can make empty offers of reciprocity.

When he has had DS previously i always seem to then have to 'compensate' on the days before and after - ie: if I go away on Saturday he then fully expects a day to do his own thing on Friday / Sunday.

OP posts:
Original poster
EvenFlo · 09/03/2015 19:53

Sorry - didn't intend to drip feed, just working through things as I go along.

OP posts:
AlternativeTentacles · 09/03/2015 19:58

Me going away would be virtually impossible because I can't take the time off work easily (for lots of reasons)

You surely get 28 days paid leave, as that is the minimum by law. So why is it virtually impossible to take the time off work?

How are you going to resolve this OP?

GoldenBeagle · 09/03/2015 20:01

He is being massively selfish - or just taking you for granted.

However, you need to get in the mindset of defending your needs, placing down a marker over what is workable for you and how you need to work in a team to make it all happen. You can't sit back and expect him to look after your needs, watch him trample all over your needs and then blame him. If your needs are important you have to make that clear. It doesn't have to be confrontational or emotional, it is a case of planning logistics as a team.

Never expect someone else to know you need rescuing unless you shout 'Help!'

BuggersMuddle · 09/03/2015 20:05

3 holidays on his own in 18 months? Were they all as long as this one? That seems a hell of a lot.

DP and I wouldn't use that much A/L leave for jollies to relax on our own and in theory we easily could as we have no kids.

GoatsDoRoam · 09/03/2015 20:05

From my vantage point, your husband is a selfish and deeply entitled man. And you are an extremely giving and hardworking person, who he is taking advantage of.

If you want to stop being taken for a mug, you are going to have to stop being so nice and start being assertive. However, I fear that with such a deeply entitled man, any assertiveness from you will be like a red rag to a bull, and you will be entering into a permanent arm-wrestling match with him. And he is much more used to this game than you (it's his modus operandi).

Life's too short. If a partner can't be considerate towards you, then what kind of a partner are they?

Original poster
EvenFlo · 09/03/2015 20:06

Yes I do get leave - taking that leave is hard right now because it would mean my already packed diary gets even more packed later down the line and my stress levels increase massively as a result (I've just started a new job which is about 4 'grades' above my previous one, when I have settled in the stress bit will hopefully change).

OP posts:
ruddygreattiger · 09/03/2015 20:07

Unless you demand equal treatment regarding breaks then he will just continue to take the piss. I know you work but surely you get weekends or days off sometime, make plans to go away with some girlfriends and let him do the daily grind for once. Has he ever looked after your dc (aswell as working) on his own for days on end??

trackrBird · 09/03/2015 20:07

So this is the third or fourth holiday he's had, on his own, since your child was born 18 months ago. Shock Because he's stressed! FGS.

In the meantime you've been unwell and started a new job. I would guess you might be just a little stressed too?

I would say you have a childish and selfish man on your hands, who has opted out of family life. And out of growing up, generally. This attitude to your family, and his responsibilities as a father, would be a complete deal breaker for me.