Online dating: where am I going wrong?

[Sickofpeppapig00]

I've been doing online dating for about eighteen months now. In the last two months alone I have been on about eight dates of which six of them went like this:

Date goes very well lasting hours, some of them some nice kissing, plenty of chemistry on all; very rarely alcohol involved. Text from them after the date confirming they had a great time, really liked me etc. They continue to message as prior to meeting, regularly, initiated by them for about two days, all going well. Then ... 'poof'!! they suddenly vanish never to be heard off again.

I'm completely baffled and I must surely be doing something wrong for this to happen time after time? Even the seemingly nice guys/od virgins keep doing this

I'm not clingy; I take turns with them after the date to initiate contact. I don't suggest meeting up again but do tell them I thought they were lovely and yes I had a great time on the date too. Not too much contact either, always try and follow their pattern when communicating if that makes sense.

Out of the six I really, really liked two of them; the other four were very nice too and would have liked to see them again (and yes, a high ratio of liking them but I do filter ruthlessly before meeting). No desperate vibes either, many of them commented on how positive, happy and easy to get along I was....

Any ideas on where I might be going wrong? It's so frustrating and it's really bringing me down....

Maybe it's a mistake to follow their pattern of comms? Speaking personally, if I like someone I always suggest meeting up again. (It's my sales training.... I can't walk away from a meeting if I haven't set up the follow-up :) ) If you leave it that 'you're lovely, I had a great time'... it could be interpreted as a gentle let-down. If you say 'you're lovely, I had a great time, do you fancy doing this again a week on Saturday?'.. you might get knocked back or you might get somewhere.

Thank you Corg The thing is they only continue to message for about two days before the suddenly vanish (no gradual cooling off etc). If we meet say on Friday eve, already suggesting on Sat/Sun a second meet might be seen as desperate, and then by say Monday they're already gone.

I have no issues suggesting a second date (although to be fair I do prefer them to do so).

I think that's what I'm struggling the most; one day they'll be all keen and interested and messaging as usual until the end of the day, the next they'll completely disappear. I'll send a quick good morning text and that's it, no response ever again.

It's all very bizarre and it keeps happening...

For what it's worth, I don't think it's you. Whereas once men might have gone home and thought oooh she's nice, I'll give her a call in a couple of days to go out next weekend maybe, now that go home and log on to OKC again to see what other options are out there. That's my cynical view. And yes, I've had similar experiences to yours.

*they go home

Thank you Lois, yes I completely agree and I know this behaviour is expected when online dating (I've been doing it long enough to know that). But for it to happen again and again and again?

Keep going, I met my current GF on POF.

Yeah they do that.

I can't think what you're doing wrong. All you can be is you.

I did online dating years ago for about 6 months and got one good one.

You on the right site? Are you on one where they have to pay to contact you?

I know, it is very dispiriting. I've been on more dates than I'd care to mention. As yet, not one has shown an interest in anything more than a shag. (And sometimes I do - I'm only human...)

I've been on all the main sites, both free and paid: Match, Soulmates, POF, OKCupid....

I have been on over 40 dates in the last eighteen months ; two shortish 'relationships' but the rest of them never get past the first date. It is very dispiriting Lois, you're right....

And it's hard to believe it's not "you" that is the problem. I think it's the Sweet Shop Syndrome that is the problem.

From what you say, I can't see anything you're doing wrong. Mind you, I would never send a good morning text ever. Let them do that.

I think the explanation of they log back on to see who is out there could explain a few of them, but not eight!

If they didn't like you at all, they wouldn't bother contacting you after the date or they would just say 'nice to meet you but no spark.' Maybe you've just had a run of bad luck.

My dating experience, first guy I dated disappeared on me like guys you mentioned above. Second guy I dated for 8 weeks but he did not want a relationship-fail. Third guy I dated wants second date but I am not sure about him.

I think you got get through so many frogs...I mean they have the sweet shop mentality,but maybe you need be more forward and ask for a second date? I feel for you, you should join dating thread as we are all going through it!

One thing I've had to teach myself to do (though it hasn't actually gained me anything except a modicum of self-respect) is "don't chase, don't chase, don't ever chase". It seems to bring out the indifference in them. When they know they've got you, you get back-burnered. Oh god, when did I get so bitter...

I agree something does happen between the first date and the second, even if the first date has gone well and there is already talk of meeting up again.

I have done it myself a few times. The excitement just fades a bit then I can't be bothered.

It can be utterly brutal. A few months back I met a guy just before I was due to have an operation. We really hit it off and talked excitedly about a second date before parting. We kept in touch. I had my op. By the time I was on my feet again a couple of weeks later he'd met someone else and didn't think it was fair to see me. You need skin like a herd of rhinos.

I agree with the poster who said 'don't ever send a good morning text'.

Only reply to their texts and never, ever send more words than they do. Not at the beginning.

I have totally been there and done that, I dated loads of blokes and it was only really when I gave up being fun and decided to just be myself that I met my DH online. We now have two children and are expecting our third!

PuddingLane is exactly right.

hey, call me Lois

Maybe you're not picky enough. Raise your standards.

Has anyone read The Rules? I haven't but it does teach women to make men chase them. Anyone recommend it?

I really don't think you're doing anything wrong OP - I had a very similar experience of online dating as have many of my friends. I used various sites over 2 years until I met my lovely partner (on Tinder of all places!)

It can really crush your self esteem, especially when you hit a run of bad luck and I'm sure that's all it is. It's not for everyone but I found 'The Rules' books really helpful - you have to take it with a huge dose of salt but the basic premise of not chasing and letting them do the work in the early stages helped a lot. Also, I would make sure you keep messaging other men and setting up dates in the early stages of meeting soneone new, it helped me stop getting over invested and giving too much headspace to one guy. I agree you do need a skin like a herd of rhinos!

I only ever send a good morning message if they've been doing it themselves. And I don't chase any more. I'll send my text, if a day and a half has passed and they've seen it but not responded I might send a quick 'hey everything ok? have a good day'. If not I'll wait and on the third/fourth day of silence I'll message with 'going by the radio silence I'll assume you've changed your mind; I wish you all the best, take care' to which they rarely respond.

Mameulah congrats on your pregnancy . I am always myself though, can't be bothered to be anything else other than me...

Definitely Lois you do need skin like a herd of rhinos. I used to be so carefree and would take everyone at face value ... now sadly I can't believe a word anyone says to me. Damn online dating. So soul destroying

I think this is very common.

What do you talk about on the dates? Do you mention wanting a relationship? Do you ask about exes?

What gets me the most I think also is how much of a coward people have become in general. Just send a bloody text and kindly say you're not interested, it takes a couple of seconds...don't just vanish! They just hide behind all this technology; what happened to basic manners?

We talk about everything and anything; my dates usually last for a good few hours. Exes come out in conversation prior to meeting as I've been burned in the past by someone who wasn't over their failed marriage so I stay away from anyone recently separated etc., it's something I'll ask about quite early on.

Nothing that stops them from merrily messaging for a couple of days after the date anyway...