Online dating: where am I going wrong?

[Sickofpeppapig00]

I've been doing online dating for about eighteen months now. In the last two months alone I have been on about eight dates of which six of them went like this:

Date goes very well lasting hours, some of them some nice kissing, plenty of chemistry on all; very rarely alcohol involved. Text from them after the date confirming they had a great time, really liked me etc. They continue to message as prior to meeting, regularly, initiated by them for about two days, all going well. Then ... 'poof'!! they suddenly vanish never to be heard off again.

I'm completely baffled and I must surely be doing something wrong for this to happen time after time? Even the seemingly nice guys/od virgins keep doing this

I'm not clingy; I take turns with them after the date to initiate contact. I don't suggest meeting up again but do tell them I thought they were lovely and yes I had a great time on the date too. Not too much contact either, always try and follow their pattern when communicating if that makes sense.

Out of the six I really, really liked two of them; the other four were very nice too and would have liked to see them again (and yes, a high ratio of liking them but I do filter ruthlessly before meeting). No desperate vibes either, many of them commented on how positive, happy and easy to get along I was....

Any ideas on where I might be going wrong? It's so frustrating and it's really bringing me down....

Why don't you keep dates a bit shorter? I only ever do an hour.

At least it wouldn't waste so much of your time.

I don't set out to make them last hours though... they just kind of organically last that long as we're enjoying ourselves (reinforced by their texts after the dates saying how great they thought I was; some of them even too over the top saying so .

It's like I put them under a spell that lasts for two days and then they suddenly wake up and forget I even exist

Keep going - I met my fiance on POF and we are expecting out first child now. I never thought is was going to happen as I am 37 now.

My advice is to be quite blunt and specific in what you are looking for. Start with the usual light and humerous stuff and then explain what you are looking for in a relationship - I found this wheedled out the ones just looking for a bit of fun (and the weirdos too). I had one guy as me if I was serious and told me I had totally unreasonable expectations and would never meet anyone - but I did!

My fiance found my profile refreshing thankfully.

I've found the ones who fizzle are the ones who go on a few dates and string all the women along until they find out who they like the best. I wouldn't be surprised if some of them contact you again after 3-6 months after their first choice failed (this happened to me a few times...)

I personally don't do all the back and forth texting - if someone wants to meet me for another date they can, or they can phone me. I try and limit texts to one a day, asking about the weather rather than organising things.

Thank you Auntie. Good tip on being specific on what you want from the beginning. And yes, they mostly all resurface a few weeks/months down the line and I take great pleasure in asking them whether they forgot something on their way out

One thing I specified was I didn't want to meet anyone who already had children - the number of men who sent me messages saying 'I've got children, but don't worry I don't have anything to do with them' was astounding - like that was an attractive trait!

I also started listing what i wasn't looking for, which also included: dogging, 'old fashioned discipline in the bedroom', having a threesome with their wife/girlfriend. You get the picture... The list became quite long and did start some interesting conversations :)

I even had one guy asking me if I would give up work for 3 months to go on a cross country barge trip and be his maid!

People are strange! OH is soooooo normal though...

I think you also have to assume they are dating multiple women at the same time, and they are having those 'first' dates with them too.

So they have a few on the go and then maybe they will choose a different one to stick with.

They may have a great time with you on the mon...be all lovely on texts to you to keep you on the back burner, then have another date on the wed or whatever. Then for whatever reason they choose them or go after someone completely different that they are now I'm contact with.

As hard as it is, don't take it personally. This is the common theme running through all the dating threads on here! It happens to everyone.

Ps I wouldn't even send the follow up texts of are you ok? Or the one saying I take if you're not interested.
If they don't reply to a text of yours, leave it totally.

I agree it is very rude to just disappear. I'm not buying the 'women start asking what's wrong with them and getting angry' excuse. I think 99% of people would just not respond.

I always send a thanks but no thanks message if I've changed my mind about someone, it's not hard!

Yes, the one thing that screamed out to me in your post was you texting again if you don’t hear back ‘everything okay?’ Please don’t do that and definitely don’t then go sending ANOTHER one!!

Look, bottom line is, and this really IS the bottom line. If a man is into you HE will chase YOU. You will not need to keep texting them when they don’t respond because there won’t be a time when they don’t respond and if there is, they would find some other way to contact you to apologise and reassure you. Men go after what they want, it really is that simple.

You aren’t doing anything wrong, you have to just bear in mind that these men are probably messaging multiple women (and you should be messaging multiple men!) They will always be keeping their options open and will only close those options down for someone they REALLY like. If they are bored or have no plans for the weekend they will arrange dates, they probably wont expect much from these dates, if you get along great, but if they don’t think ‘WOW, I LIKE this girl’ then TBH they may not bother again.

But, one day someone will meet you and think that and stop contact with other girls and there will be girls then saying to their friends exactly what you are saying to us ‘he’s vanished, why didn’t he respond’ and it’ll be because he’s met YOU and he’s into YOU and you only. Chin up, keep going.

'I've got children, but don't worry I don't have anything to do with them'

^ Wow

Good advice on not sending any follow up texts if they haven't replied to my last one. No more follow up texts from me moving forward. And I also chat to several at the same time ... how do you think one gets to having 40 dates in eighteen months otherwise?

But, one day someone will meet you and think that and stop contact with other girls and there will be girls then saying to their friends exactly what you are saying to us ‘he’s vanished, why didn’t he respond’ and it’ll be because he’s met YOU and he’s into YOU and you only. Chin up, keep going..

^ Love this, I need optimism like this after the last couple of months. Thinking that there might actually be someone for me out there.....

Don't let the dates run on for so long even though you are enjoying them. Are you doing quick coffee shop type first meetings? (I wouldn't even think of them as a date. They are a quick meetup to see each other in person to mutually check the other hasn't been a big liar, that you at least somewhat fancy each other, and that you can have a conversation. That's it. then if both still interested, then you arrange a proper date. And quickly.

I don't hold with game playing myself or game players. None of this don't text first, don't be too keen blah blah. It doesn't help, if they are players or not interested then it just wastes more of your time, that's all.

DP and I met for coffee in pub at lunchtime through OLD. Chatted for about 1.5 hours. Said goodbye. No snogs. Half an hour later I got a text asking me to a gig a few days later, first proper date. If I hadn't heard I would have got in touch with him pretty quickly too. If you really like someone, you arrange to see them again, quickly. Especially with OLD when there are so many options and stuff going on. Also translates into if you do not arrange to see them again, quickly, you don't really like someone.

Op are you in a big city where loads of men are registered on the sites?
Those guys sound like poly daters I really wouldn't lose any sleep over it.

Od is a very mixed bag and be prepared to meet plenty of blokes who are either just window shopping or not ready for a relationship but think they are.

I ask guys toward the end of the dare if they want to meet up again if I like them. It saves time with all this texting business.

It's almost certainly not you.

I tried OD over several years. I never got past a first date. Not one person who knew me in RL had any idea why. I'm pretty, clever, have a professional job, teen DC but (when I started at least) young enough to have more. Own home, etc.

So I did wonder was it me? People on here suggested I was too clever, needed to dumb myself down (got rejected by more stupid men) or appear more intelligent (then I was rejected by clever men). I needed to cover up more, wear less makeup, wear more makeup, cut my hair, lose weight, mention my DC/ job/ interests more. Mention them less.

None of it made a jot of difference. That's because it wasn't me, it was them. A lot of guys who do OLD don't want a relationship with anyone,they just want to date. I met many like that. Or they want a woman with no kids. Or they're already married.

Eventually I did meet someone who is pretty much perfect for me. Our first date lasted about 7 hours.

I didn't let him do the chasing, quite the opposite. I suggested our first date, and made it very clear I wanted to see him again. Contrary to the perceived wisdom this all went in my favour because unbeknownst to me he was looking for someone who wouldn't expect him to do all the running just because he was a man!

You have to do what feels right for you. You will meet someone in the end, it seemed impossible I would,and yet I did,so it can and does happen. It may take a while though, but hopefully less time than it took me!

I think constant texting is a vibe- killer. Who can be bothered with all the back and forth? Perhaps just try NOT texting for the next couple of dates? He texts you, you say, "thanks for your text. It was nice to meet you too! I can't be bothered with texting so give me a call and we can arrange to meet again."

Thank you all. Loving the success stories, really helping me believe that there could be someone for me out there and I shouldn't throw the towel just yet, despite feeling incredibly dishearten and jaded about the whole thing.

I have just signed up to a speed dating event this weekend for something different, it should be at least a fun couple of hours!.

Good idea Kiwi. I don't really text that much though, on average about three/four texts each per day which I don't think is that much. I do hate what texting signifies though: just the laziest form of communication, which allows you to easily string someone along for weeks with just a couple of mins effort a day. I much rather have the guy I like pick up the phone and call me, it shows interest and a bit more effort.

Yeah I get all the same stuff, men disappearing.

The one thing that surprises me is you found 8 men you wanted to go on a date with (and the date happened) in a 2 month period.

I've only been on about 6 dates in a year. I don't often find someone I like enough to go on a date. Or they cancel before the date.

So just wondering where you're finding so many eligible men?!

OP I think you're doing really well. Most of the guys I have contact with go 'poof' before we've had a chance to meet. The last one I did meet neglected to tell me that he lived in Holland and once came to London once a month. He didn't appear to think that that might be an issue

Yup,it's been happening to me a lot recently too Gets a bit depressing after a while and even if you aren't that keen on them it's still nicer to be the one to have to say thanks but no thanks rather than to just be ignored. I think OD is a game of numbers and you have to keep at it as well as develop a very thick skin.

Ha! It doesn't really feel like I'm doing well at all.... it's all very depressing (although slightly reassuring to read that it's not just happening to me)

Dolly I cannot believe he didn't tell you he didn't live in the UK . A waste of everyone's time....

Where do I find them? Well, in the usual places (POF, Match etc). I did spend quite a bit of time getting my profile right (I get lots of compliments on it) and, without blowing my own trumpet, I think I'm good at building a rapport quickly over messaging; maybe it's my openness, maybe my sense of humour, I don't know; I'm not British but a more 'exotic' nationality, maybe they like the accent I don't know. I do have an imaginary checklist of non-negotiables that I make sure I find out about during the messaging process and I'm usually able to tell whether I'll fancy someone from their pictures so chances of me liking them when I actually meet them are quite high. I have DC and limited free time, it's the only way!

It goes by phases too; sometimes I won't have anyone decent to talk to for weeks, then suddenly I'm on three/four conversations with interesting guys who want to meet. Just like buses

I'm not even getting to date one at the moment. I can break down the messages I receive into roughly four categories:

1. Men between 21 and 25 who just want to shag an old bird. I tend to get bored before they even get to the stage of asking me for a date.

1. Americans with cut and paste messages. I make it abundantly clear I only want to meet people within easy reach and yet every day there's a new crop of Americans who don't seem to be able to conjugate verbs properly.

1. Men who just want to go straight to sexy talk. The last one I got rid of by randomly talking about prostheses.

1. Men who actually sound great but who are in another European country or in a relationship.

A decent chap between 30 and 60 within easy reach of my home still eludes me.

That's my problem too Lois. There really are very few you'd want to go out with.

I got a message off a guy who was roughly what I'm looking for last week asking me out. I replied and he got my message immediately but didn't reply for another 5 days.

Then finally replied to me at midnight last night.

I was thinking what did I say in my reply that was different to my profile or could have put him off?

Then I was thinking why does he come back 5 days later?

Am I overthinking?

I doubt there was anything at all wrong with your reply. I suspect he put you in his big bag of "possibles" and only replied when it suited him. Sweet Shop Fucking Syndrome.

Alice - poly dater hedging his bets. I wouldn't go on adage with him don't waste your time

Thanks all. It is weird though because he clearly spent some time crafting a nice personalised message. I give up!