Online dating: where am I going wrong?

[Sickofpeppapig00]

I've been doing online dating for about eighteen months now. In the last two months alone I have been on about eight dates of which six of them went like this:

Date goes very well lasting hours, some of them some nice kissing, plenty of chemistry on all; very rarely alcohol involved. Text from them after the date confirming they had a great time, really liked me etc. They continue to message as prior to meeting, regularly, initiated by them for about two days, all going well. Then ... 'poof'!! they suddenly vanish never to be heard off again.

I'm completely baffled and I must surely be doing something wrong for this to happen time after time? Even the seemingly nice guys/od virgins keep doing this

I'm not clingy; I take turns with them after the date to initiate contact. I don't suggest meeting up again but do tell them I thought they were lovely and yes I had a great time on the date too. Not too much contact either, always try and follow their pattern when communicating if that makes sense.

Out of the six I really, really liked two of them; the other four were very nice too and would have liked to see them again (and yes, a high ratio of liking them but I do filter ruthlessly before meeting). No desperate vibes either, many of them commented on how positive, happy and easy to get along I was....

Any ideas on where I might be going wrong? It's so frustrating and it's really bringing me down....

I was writing to the OP. :)

'Eventually I did meet someone who is pretty much perfect for me'
velvetspoon that's great, I'm so pleased things worked out well for you :)

I met my DH on plenty of fish. I don't do dating rules. I approached him first, I asked for a date after chatting for a while and I was the first to say I love you a few months in. We are very happily married. Just be yourself

Yes, be yourself and don't mess about playing games or following rules. Have your twat alarm set to high level, shrug those ones off, but don't get too cynical.

Above all, be yourself.

I found DP at date number 2 arranged through OLD, and date number 1 was very nice too just not for me. Don't faff about, chat on the phone for a bit rather than texting/emailing, arrange 1st date quickly. Cuts out the tossers.

I think it's easy for some people to say "just be yourself" when they are naturally good at dating. The rest of us (I include myself very firmly in this second camp) benefit from actual "rules". All these rules do is make our behaviour more like the naturally-good-at-dating people's behaviour when they're being themselves.

Not really whatsgoing, I broke all the 'rules' with my now DH.

Hi ive been a seriel online dater for longer than i like to admit and I have found this a number of times I honestly have learnt to accept its nothing personal some of these guys are having a date every night of the week they are just players. Its pretty gutting for me personally the ones who were really keen just wernt my type and I didnt feel any chemistry always the case with me

There's no such thing as being naturally good at dating!

I met my boyfriend by messaging him first. If I hadn't, he wouldn't have messaged me. I asked him out on our first date. I asked if he was my boyfriend (after date 2 , he said of course). I text him first after dates 1 and 2, albeit we already had dates 2 and 3 arranged.

Yet it worked out perfectly and we've been together for coming up to a year (and are planning our long term future together), because he liked me, was single and wanted a relationship not just a date or a shag, unlike the majority of men who OD.

Another one here who met their DP after I contacted him first.
It was my whole strategy....I hid my profile and contacted people who I wanted to date. My thinking was that it would weed out some of the knobbers and any messages I received would be from someone I wanted to receive one from.

I'm with the posters who say texting is a waste of time. It's lazy and I find it easy to hide behind a text. My DP rang me after our initial contact...to arrange the date, after the date and from then on in. We did text but there was far more talking. When you know you know and I never worried if he didn't reply to a text...he was busy. I didn't worry about who texted first or whether or not I should give it a while before replying not to seem too keen. I just knew.

Online dating is a numbers game and whatever your approach you need to develop a thick skin. You will be rejected and you will reject, it's not personal. My only piece of advice is to pick the phone up rather than text. It cuts through the bullshit and you get to know each other so much quicker and it keeps your interest.

It's not you OP, it's dating! Good luck!

There are woman who are naturally good at dating Velvet . They are the ones who have the men chasing them. They carry on with their lives and only bother with men who really put the effort in to dating. them properly.

Very pleased to hear your news velvet, I remember you from the dating thread way back.....

NoArmaniNoPunani I'd guess that your DP liked you taking the Alpha role. You are probably the driving force in the relationship, the one that gets stuff done, the engine. You found the perfect partner for you.

Besides, you're really feisty and strong and confident, naturally. That's really Rulesy in itself. You're like the hot woman in the Boomerang film. The ball-breaker. :D

I've never liked the idea of men chasing me...I prefer things to be a bit more equal. I don't want to be one of those women who expects to be pursued, spoilt with expensive gifts etc...

Itmight, thank you I was pretty unhappy in the dating thread days, and something of a cynic. In the end trusting my instincts worked for me where pretty much everything else failed!

My problem is how to get guys off the dating sites. I had one this week where I'd gone through the Eharmony guided communication stages (and it's a feat just getting through this) and then 3 messages exchanged but he's now hasn't replied to my last message although I've seen he's been online today. Is it OK for me to suggest meeting up before they get fed of messaging? I generally have waited for them to ask.

Being persued by men doesn't mean you are spoilt and want expensive gifts.

Re just being yourself and being equal with regards to initial chasing/messaging etc.... that's how I've been doing things for the last eighteen months and it hasn't got me anywhere. I do agree that when you meet that perfect person for you all rules go out of the window and things just progress naturally but that's not easy to find. I certainly do need to change something as what I'm currently doing is clearly not working, so I might have a read through The Rules (thank you to the pp who suggested it; sorry on phone and can't scroll back) as I think I might benefit from a more 'detached' approach, at least for a month or two and see how things go. It will make my life easier too as I tend to stress about men not responding to messages etc.

One thing I agree with Food is that from now on I'll be drastically reducing the number of messages and asking men to pick up the phone instead; I hate texts, so easy to string someone along for days just investing a few seconds of your time.... very lazy.

velvet, I;m wondering why would he not contact you if you didn't contact him, was he intimidated? just interested how nice men's mind works with online dating, as I suspect many women make themselves sound perfect in their profiles (no problem for players).

I agree with the poster above that if you are naturally inclined to lead in relationship (like NoArmani) then it makes all the sense to lead from the start and attarct a softer type man. But if you like equal or to be led, then it's actually harder to know what the right approach is , and not just online.

OP, I recommend reading the Rules as the book is entertaining in a strict headmistress kind of way and has a grain of wisdom in it, but it's impossible to follow them completely as you'd need an iron will to be that disciplined! You are allowed to have some fun with a guy but watch that clock and make sure that you aer yourself but only show the best part of that being yourself, ha! until he declares love, and even then proceed with small doses of your imperfections. Exhausting!

Doesn't The Rules say you can't have sex for 6 months? Load of rubbish, what if you wait all that time and the sex is crap.

Op, I think you have done amazingly well to have 8 dates in two months. I keep arranging dates and I cancel/he cancels/the messages fizzle out before we actually meet. You must be doing something right!

SIX MONTHS?

I suspect you are not doing that much wrong, my single friends' experienced of OD is really a lot of frogs, who given the multiple options of a date every night, are mistaking themselves for princes.

My only advice is just don't get too invested before the date or on the first date- just meet up for a short time, to see if any chemistry and see if a second date might be a good idea. I gave up casual sex/even kissing on first dates when I realised there was a pool of men just spending every week of the year doing this with no intention of actually having a relationship- I didn't hold back to tempt them in, but rather because I started to feel a bit icky about meeting/engaging in lots of guys at the same time.

I think liking 6 out of 8 is quite a high figure, even just for second dates, and it sounds like you get very hopeful very early on- back right off, remember you are checking them out to see if they are any good for you (not desperately auditioning for the role of their girlfriend) and head home earlier and don't bother texting them.

If some amazing thing happens, and you really connect with someone, throw these rules out of the window, but certainly don't with 6/8, too many, they can't have all been great and I don't think one night is enough to go on!

^I realised there was a pool of men just spending every week of the year doing this with no intention of actually having a relationship^

I think this is spot on; it would certainly explain the hordes of men who vanish into thin air despite seemingly having a very good time on a first date and even sending good feedback straight after. They never had any intention whatsoever to meet a second time. Which means it's not us, but them.

Thank you all for the great advice. The Rules have now been ordered (although it will be all taken with a pinch of salt; for starters there's not a chance in hell I'm waiting six MONTHS to DTD!). I'll keep dates short to an hour and a half tops, citing some prior commitment. I will NOT text after the date saying I had a good time etc and even if they do I'll refrain from excessive texting and ask them to ring instead; just the bare minimum to arrange the second date. If they don't arrange 2nd date within a couple of days I'll NEVER EVER chase but instead draw a line and move on to the next one.

Anything else?

The Rules original is interesting but they do a modern version for online dating and texting.

there is no rule of 'no sex for 6 month'! they only advise to wait for a few dates, at least three but ideally more, even if you are dying to sleep with him on date one. They mention that if YOU don't want to sleep for a long time even 6 months, or before marriage, then you should let him know and 'not be a tease', but the future husband would wait even that if he is right for you (but obviously right men are not dime a dozen). Once you do sleep , the rule is not to get emotional or invested after first night.
Bear in mind that the rules are for finding a husband or committed ltr, not for fun and flings, so it depends what you want!