Online dating: where am I going wrong?

[Sickofpeppapig00]

I've been doing online dating for about eighteen months now. In the last two months alone I have been on about eight dates of which six of them went like this:

Date goes very well lasting hours, some of them some nice kissing, plenty of chemistry on all; very rarely alcohol involved. Text from them after the date confirming they had a great time, really liked me etc. They continue to message as prior to meeting, regularly, initiated by them for about two days, all going well. Then ... 'poof'!! they suddenly vanish never to be heard off again.

I'm completely baffled and I must surely be doing something wrong for this to happen time after time? Even the seemingly nice guys/od virgins keep doing this

I'm not clingy; I take turns with them after the date to initiate contact. I don't suggest meeting up again but do tell them I thought they were lovely and yes I had a great time on the date too. Not too much contact either, always try and follow their pattern when communicating if that makes sense.

Out of the six I really, really liked two of them; the other four were very nice too and would have liked to see them again (and yes, a high ratio of liking them but I do filter ruthlessly before meeting). No desperate vibes either, many of them commented on how positive, happy and easy to get along I was....

Any ideas on where I might be going wrong? It's so frustrating and it's really bringing me down....

I'm so utterly jaded by the cut and paste messages, by the one word messages, by the sexy type messages, by the young boys, by the far flung but otherwise perfect men, that when I do actually get a message where someone has clearly read my profile, I almost can't believe it.

Do men actually think the generic "Hi I saw your profile you are very beautiful I will like to get to know you" messages WORK???

Lois that made me laugh, that's exactly what they say!

I got one the other day that just said 'H'.

He couldn't even be bothered to write the 'i'.

Highly unlikely it's anything you're doing OP. I think it's just the way some people - mainly men - operate.

Centuries ago, when my sister and I were young, in the days before online dating and mobile phones we had a, not particularly funny, ongoing 'joke' about all the dead bodies that must have been scattered over a 20 or so mile radius of our home because what else could have happened to all the, oh so keen men, that seemed to disappear after one or two dates.

As you say 'poof' and they just seem to vanish in a puff of smoke.

I do think internet dating brings out the worst in some people though, as pp said, it's the sweet shop mentality.

H

It definitely brings out the worst in me. I just told someone "I'm more a Quantas sort of girl. No fatalities."

Lois

Big yes to online dating bringing out the worst in people, including myself now... like you Lois I'm jaded, fed up of the whole thing and have completely lost faith in men in general. A shame as when/if a nice genuine guy comes along I'll likely will send him running due to my online dating caused trust issues

Alice I agree with the others, I wouldn't even bother acknowledging his message; he's probably messaging a number of other women and you are not on at the top of the list....

Lois you missed two categories:

1. Delusional men punching way above their weight who get all aggressive when you politely tell them you don't think it would work out due to

1. Creepy looking 65+ year olds who will bombard you with messages asking why you didn't reply to their previous ones until you have no choice but to block them. They always message at funny hours like 3am and repeatedly visit your profile makes me sick just thinking about what they must be doing whilst looking at my photos

^Do men actually think the generic "Hi I saw your profile you are very beautiful I will like to get to know you" messages WORK??? ^

I will reply to those if their profile is witty and they have put some effort on it and if they are hot but one more one-liner from them and I'm out.

My worst pet hate though is when they don't ask ANY questions about you; they will reply to yours but that's it. Like pulling teeth....

My pet hates (while we are at it):

1. Men who have nothing on their profile, or the bare minimum, and who just say "hi beautiful". I've even, literally, had someone say "How you doing", like they are fucking Joey from Friends.

1. The cut and pasters. Fuck the fuck off you fucking cunting morons.

1. "If you want to know anything just ask me." Someone said this so I sent them a list of really bizarre questions.

1. People who are basically just looking to add you to their harem/stable. If they don't say they are single and monogamous I'm not interested. But that's just me. Views may differ.

Talking of weird messages, there was one young guy I exchanged a couple of messages with. He wasn't terribly interesting so I just stopped. Also he was 22 and a smoker. I'm 52 and make it very clear in my profile that I'm only attracted to non-smokers. A couple of days later I got a message along the lines of "I hope you two will be very happy".

WT ACTUAL F?

Been reading this book lately which is making me rethink things. Says a lot of men are just really clueless when it comes to dating and a bit scared of us. It's quite a helpful book actually.

But surely they too would hate to get messages that just say "Hi", or are clearly just a generic message posted to dozens of people?

I long for someone who has a) actually read my profile and b) responds with humour and gentleness to something in it. It ain't rocket science. And despite my sweary, scary demeanour on here, my profile reflects a much nicer side of me...

I would never initiate a good morning text. Too familiar after one date . I think over texting is a problem. If they want to talk to you then they need to phone or arrange another date. Old school style. I'm too busy for all that texting.

I just got this from a guy in San Francisco (I'm in Europe):

My name is platoon sergent child jackson. started A & A Children Academy at 6 and later on continued from Calvary Baptist Church Schools. I was very playful at school and it affected my academic works.

And that's it.

These men just cant be arsed can they.

What could one possibly say in response to a message like that??? He can't even spell "sergeant" and it's his job.

Or not his real job, hence why he can't spell it

Perhaps he thought I'd be impressed.

Of course he thought you would be impressed, like a peacock showing all his plumage haha. NOT the type of man you want or need.

God they are really inept, at times.

Lois are you in London?

Used to be. Not any more. I'm in a nearby country (she says enigmatically).

A lot of men's messages get ignored so they often don't bother writing long personalised messages as the odds are they will be wasting their time. Better to send generalised nice messages to see if she's interested first.

Well maybe a lot of men's messages get ignored because they are utterly shit messages. I had another one today totally about sex. Different bloke. Na-no. Not going to happen. Go away mate.

I've done online-dating twice, 15 years apart, and got a husband out of it both times! What I'd suggest is...

1. Get a (male) friend to read your profile and tell you if it actually represents the REAL, in-person you. It's obviously great, but does it represent the woman they meet on the date? Do your photos show your true figure? Are you more easy-going in your profile than you are in person, or vice versa? Did you mention your DC in your profile? That kind of thing. The reason I ask, is that the no.1 reason* a first date doesn't lead to a 2nd date is unmet expectations. Are they expecting someone different to you?

1. Are these men that you have asked out/contacted first online, or that have asked YOU out? Men that you pursue won't be as interested as men who've chosen you first, they just won't. They'll see you for a date (to see if they like you, and/or to see if you shag them!) but they won't (in most cases) be driven to see you more than once. If you've been contacting guys, I'd suggest you stop and instead find someone who's written to you first, and write back to him instead.

1. Definitely read The Rules, it was the only thing that taught me how to be "good" at dating. You're doing some things really well, but the follow-up texts are a BIG NO-NO and the fact you've been drawn to send them suggests to me you've been texting WAY too much before you even met. It's like you are seeing every potential match as a relationship, and getting invested too soon. The first three dates with a guy should (ideally) be NOTHING to you! No back/forth texting before you meet, no "thanks for a lovely date!" texts afterwards, and definitely no more "oh, I see you don't like me" texts ever again. Do as little as possible.

1. Keep that first date to under 2 hours. If you often find they drag on longer, then arrange something (like dinner with a gf) for after the date so you CAN'T stay longer than 90 minutes. Less is more, if they're hearing your life story before the first date or on the first date, there's less reason for them to see you again. Think of yourself as a fascinating novel that's told in instalments.

1. Be positive!!! It does work, and every bad guy is one man closer to The Right Man.

• the no.1 reason according to a great book you should read. :) It's called "Have Him at Hello" by Rachel Greenwald. She interviewed over 1,000 men who'd been on first dates to find out the reason they never rang for a second date. You'll love this book. It's realllllllly informative! Get it on kindle now!

1. I don't need someone to tell me that my profile represents me. I say I'm chubby, I'm listed as full figured, and I am irreverently joky but nice throughout. That's pretty much me.

1. I never approach them first.

1. I never do follow up texts unless they text first.

1. It isn't hard to keep it to two hours.

1. WHAT ABOUT OUR EXPECTATIONS, EH?