Does this mean it's over?

[Confused44]

Hi I'll try keep it short. Been wih my partner for 6 years, beautiful 3yo daughter. But our relationship lacks passion and any excitement. We never go out together because he doesn't want to. Long story short I cheated on him. It only happened once but I've thought about doing it again (I know I'm a horrible person) does this mean Our relationship is over? I love him so much he's my first love. But I keep thinking if I cheated I can't be happy? Or I should leave him so he has the opportunity to be happy with someone else? Sorry I'm so confused right now

Leaving the cheating to one side for a second, is the relationship making you happy? Have you at any stage spoken about the lack of passion and excitement? Have you discussed why he doesn't want to go out together?

Whether it's over or not is entirely down to whether you think there is scope for change or not.

My take on this would be to tell your partner that you have cheated, and then let him decide (with the full facts available to him) whether your relationship is "over"

Lots of people in happy relationships cheat. Apparently love and lust are two independent systems that work separately. We're you happy before you cheated ?

I don't know if it makes me happy for the rigt reasons. I'm happy because I feel safe if that makes any sense? I don't think I could live on my own I'm scared of the dark! I asked him 3 months ago if we could have date night twice a month just the two of us. And we went for dinner once... I told him I want us to have friends we can go out with together and his rely was "why would I want friends" can you change a person that much?

I know telling him would be the decent thing to do but I'm too scared, I know he would leave and hate me forever. When we'd been together for about a year one of his friends told him I'd cheated (I hadn't at that time) and he called me a whore and looked at me like he wanted to kill me. I can't tell him

I've been trying to figure out if I'm happy or not for the last year. I asked him to leave last summer because we were acting more like flat mates than a couple and I was ready to follow it through until he told me "if you make me leave I will never come back, I'm never going to have a girlfriend again etc etc" I don't feel very appreciated I know that. My job isn't as hard as his and even though we both work I still do everything around the house

You feel safe and yet you are frightened he would hurt you if you confessed to cheating (and fancying doing it again) ?

That's rather a contradiction

And you can't live on your own because you are frightened of the dark ? Have you ever lived on your own ? I think that is what you should do for a while. It sounds like you missed out on a rather large chunk of your development.

Security is an important part of a relationship but so are other things like affection, respect, honesty, sociability etc. It's ridiculous to suggest you're staying with him because you're scared of the dark.... If you're saying you're incompatible and want very different things, you're not going to have a healthy long-term relationship unless you make an effort to correct that. Cheating is just a lazy/selfish way of avoiding the problem.

Ok yeah that does seem contradictory. I'm not scared he would hurt me physically it's more that he knows exactly what to say to amplify my insecurities and emotions (I have issues)

I'm frightened of everything when I'm alone i know it sounds stupid but the thought of being on my own in my house at night time scares the life out of me. No I've never lived alone I've been with my partner since I was 15 and before that there were family issues so yes I've missed out on quite a large chunk

So, why would you risk getting thrown out on your arse for shagging other men ?

Do you view starting a new relationship as some sort of escape route for you from this one ? From family to unsuitable bloke to the next unsuitable bloke ? That would be fucked up.

I think you need to do something about your "issues" for your daughter's sake. A mother scared of being independent is not a good role model.

What 'issues' do you have and are you getting any help with them? I agree with AF that your behaviour and motivations sound inconsistent, immature and the cheating sounds reckless.

I wouldn't be getting thrown out on my arse anywhere. Plus I said I cheated I didn't specify I shagged someone else I said I cheated.

Also I don't want a relationship on the guy I cheated with I said I "thought" about doing it again. I haven't and I don't intend to but my point was that because I'd thought about it maybe i needed to visit why.

Yeah well done I'm fucked up. I already knew that. when we got together my partner wasn't unsuitable.

Thank you again for that. I'm currently on a waiting list to get some counselling for my issues.

I don't mean this to sound harsh, but if you're not mature enough to live on your own, you're not mature enough to be married.

Are you only 21? You had your daughter very young.

I think you need to address your issues of confidence and self-esteem. Forget about seeing other men, that's just going to confuse you. You need to work out what you want, whether that's with your husband or on your own. Can you get a referral from your GP for counselling?

I think your partner may have his own definition of "cheating" and it may not tally with your own.

There are quite a few things I would throw my H out on his arse for that fall short of actual penetration.

I have issues with anxiety, self worth, confidence, yes I'm trying to get help. I cheated once. And just to clarify I didn't shag the guy

"when we got together my partner wasn't unsuitable. "

Is your partner a lot older than you?

I think you need to take steps to deal with these fears , counselling ect. Feeling this way makes you dependant on him and will no doubt effect your relationship negatively. Is he older than you ?

I think the "cheating" thing whatever the level of physical contact, is a red herring. I'm glad to hear you're on the waiting list to get help.

If you had a magic wand and could make your life the way you ideally wanted it, what would that look like? would it include your husband?

Yes I'm 21. Yes I'm probably not mature enough to live on my own but unfortunately I had no choice.

I had my daughter at 18 after being told I couldn't get pregnant,

I've been waiting for counselling for months and I'm still waiting I don't get off on the fact I made a mistake I know it was wrong. I'm not saying I didn't cheat I did. But I was just pointing out I wasn't "shagging other men" which insinuates doing it lots with lots of men.

Yes my partners 28. My point in he wasn't unsuitable is that when we got together he had a social life, he communicated with me, and now he does neither of those things.

I think you make a perfect point I probably do feel slightly dependant on him because of things that happened early on in our relationship and I need to learn not to feel so dependant.

On the magic wand front I haven't a clue what it would be. I just want my daughter to be happy and for me to feel good enough about myself that the I feel I could do it on my own

OK how about we downgrade 'cheating' to a one-off inappropriate... what? ... friendship? ... rather than a sexual encounter, and again leave it to one side?

What happens in your relationship? You say it lacks passion and excitement, you're bored and your DP (and his age may be significant) is boring, antisocial and so forth. You've said you want to go out more and it's not happened. So do you just live side by side as friends? Is there any animosity?

Then there's your personality. You're 21, a mother of one, but you're 'stuck' in the mindset of a frightened child. Did something happen to you as a child? Some trauma? What kinds of things have you tried already to improve your confidence? Is your DP encouraging and compassionate..... does he want to help you be more confident?

For some people, whether you cheat once or cheat 20 times it is a dealbreaker. I make no value judgement in that. You cheat, you get dumped is how some people manage their monogamous relationships.

You are taking risks with your life, your security and that of your daughter.

If you want to end your relationship, do that, but don't use cheating as your route to a way out.

"I probably do feel slightly dependant on him because of things that happened early on in our relationship "

Can you elaborate? If you're now 21 and 28, when you met you were 15 and 22... so there's a little question mark over that. What happened early on? Do you feel obligated to him in some way?

Ok so we have sex a couple of times a week. The occasional cuddle which I normally have to ask for.
There's not really any animosity we live quite happily side by side, we argue very rarely mainly over so something silly like him not doing the washing up. He's one of those people who doesn't say much, so he won't say I love you unless I say it first. And if I say it more than twice a day he gets tetchy about me saying it all the time.

My childhood wasn't fun. My brother was physically abusive to everyone in our home. My mother had her own issues which meant love wasn't really shown ever, she took drugs and told us she couldn't wait for use to leave etc. And then when I was 15 I had to have chemotherapy which meant obviously I lost my hair/put on weight and had to depend on my mum for everything which was a serious struggle when the woman hadn't cooked me a dinner since I was 11. He says he wants me to have a social life and feel better about myself but if I go out for an evening with my friends and don't get home till midnight he then says I'm a bad mother for staying out so late. I say I want to loose weight he says go to the gym then. I feel like sometimes I can't win with him.

Can you please clarify how I'm taking risks with my life, and mine and my daughters security?
I'm not using cheating as a way to end my relationship if I honestly knew I wanted to end it I would.

We got together when I was 15. We didn't sleep together until I was nearly 17. He was around during my chemotherapy and he was always there if I needed him and he didn't mind all my insecurities and health problems. All my other friends sopped talking to me when that happened so I felt like he was the only one who was there throughout.

The usual risk attached to cheating is that you get discovered. Now in your case, if it's a one-off, a long time ago and so forth, that's probably not going to happen now. Another risk is that you are less motivated to pay attention to your partner if there is someone new taking up your thoughts. Again, that doesn't seem to be the case.

The real crux of the matter - and where the cheating is relevant - is that it is leading you to ask if it happened because the relationship is bad. I'm not going to speculate why you cheated but, on the strength of what you've more recently written, I don't actually think the relationship is particularly bad. And I'm usually the first one to look for signs of bullying or control.

He says he wants me to have a social life and feel better about myself but if I go out for an evening with my friends and don't get home till midnight he then says I'm a bad mother for staying out so late.

This could be an example of setting you up to fail.... but equally, were you clear that you'd be out until midnight?

I say I want to loose weight he says go to the gym then

On the face of it, that's a sensible suggestion for someone wanting to slim down.

He doesn't have to be a bad partner to be the wrong partner.